Time-warp Testimony Tuesday #3

If you haven’t read my first post earlier this morning, you really need to read that before you read this.

As I consider finishing that story for you, I realize a few things.  I haven’t really processed much of this.  I have incredible peace about this.  How oblivious I was to the mess that was brewing in HSSH’s mind.  How God knew it all and let us do this anyway.

On a timeline Nathaniel came to us in March and HSSH dropped his bombshell in mid-September.  After HSSH left I had a few thoughts about Nathaniel’s adoption not being final, but just couldn’t go there.

This was my child.  God had given him to us in such an amazingly obvious way.  God would have to work all of this out.  His adoption not being finalized was not a problem for God.  I was sure that HSSH would return in time to finalize things.  And that somehow all this would work out fine.

It was quite a few months into the trauma of dealing with HSSH’s leaving when someone had the nerve to mention to me that perhaps Nathaniel would be better off being adopted by someone else.

I WAS IRRATE!!  EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT (besides my children) HAD BEEN STRIPPED FROM ME!  I COULD NO LONGER LIVE AND FUNCTION LIKE I WANTED TO!  I HAD NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING AND NOW SOMEONE THINKS I SHOULD GIVE UP ONE OF MY CHILDREN YET!!  I COULDN’T HOMESCHOOL ANYMORE, NO MORE ADOPTIONS WOULD HAPPEN FOR US NOW, I COULDN’T COOK, CLEAN, CARE FOR MY CHILDREN!  HSSH LEFT AND WAS LIVING A LIFE THAT CAUSED ME SO MUCH STRESS AND MIND GAMES!  EVEN THE DOG HAD RAN AWAY!!  NOW I HAVE TO GIVE UP THIS CHILD!  THIS NATHANIEL THAT GOD GAVE ME!  I THINK NOT!!!

Nathaniel means “gift from God”.  And he was challenging, but I was sure that he was mine to raise.  I cannot tell you how angry I was at the suggestion that he would leave.  I cannon tell you how angry I was at the circumstances that made me realize that this person was probably right, and I hated that more than anything.

In a little more time, and many tears later, the placing agency contacted me to tell me that they had held a meeting concerning our changed circumstances.  They wanted me to consider what the best option was for Nathaniel and our family.  By this time, many months had past and HSSH had filed for divorce.  Nathaniel had been with us almost a year, and things were getting harder for all of us as we dealt with all the fall out.

I had the grace to realize that she was right, and it didn’t make me angry this time.  I had a peace that I didn’t even know I could have.  The agency let me be a part of the process of choosing the family and let me talk to the potential parents. 

I knew without a doubt when it came down to it that this was the way that this was supposed to be all along.  Nathaniel’s new family had many things to offer him that I couldn’t.  His needs were growing daily as he dealt with the issues of his past in a 4 year old way.  God knew.

The things that Nathaniel has been through have not been easy.  His transition to his new home have had many challenges for them.  Challenges that I don’t think I was meant to deal with.

When I read Stacey at anymommy's story of their disrupted adoption, (who is an amazing writer) I wonder if our story would not have ended up with us having to make a choice like they did, had things been different with HSSH.

We run into Nathaniel from time to time, and we have had visit or two with him and his family in the past years.   It all seems like a dream that never really happened to us right now.  I guess that is the miracle of grace and God’s ability to heal.

HE HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO US ALL, AND HE KNEW!

Pam