oh my, now I know why that got me so worked up…

Cleaning out drawers in the bathroom & it came to me… why I so worked up again???

This morning on WBCL they were interviewing, author, counselor and “co-parent” Tammy Daughtry

“What if your child’s ‘life-after-divorce’ could be better than you hoped for? As the post-divorce dust settles, your child’s chances of leading a healthy, successful life are directly linked to how you and your former spouse relate.”  --WBCL’s website

Co-Parenting Works! is the name of her book.

SO MY CHILDREN’S CHANCES OF LEADING A HEALTHY SUCCESSFUL LIFE ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW MY FORMER SPOUSE & I RELATE!!!!!

REALLY!!??!!!

Well… if that’s where our only hope lies, we are hopeless.

At least I know why I got so upset.

THANKFUL THAT MY CHILDREN’S HOPE LIES IN THE LORD JESUS AND NOT IN THE HANDS OF MYSELF OR MY EX-SPOUSE OR OUR ABILITY TO GET ALONG ON ANY LEVEL!!!

(read post that came right before this one for more insight to whatever I am talking about here!)

Pam

My thoughts on divorce… 6 years after I got one.

It’s gotten easier.  My heart no longer races with the thought of him being in the near area… My palms don’t sweat & I don’t panic with what I will say or how I will say it.

Of course that all probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that we see him so rarely.

When we do see him these days, I feel… resentment.  hatred.  bitterness.  anger. unbelievable thoughts of how much a person can change for the worse & believe they are better, self righteousness of how much better a person & parent I am than he is.

I struggle.

Struggle to feel the things I believe are “right” to feel.  The things that I believe God would want me to feel. 

!!NEWS FLASH!!

If satan hasn’t succeeded in using a circumstance to make you bitter for six years, he will not give up.  He will continue to try to use that circumstance to make you bitter.  To make you turn on God. To lie to you and say that God has not been faithful to you.

I hate that news.

I have plenty of reasons to hate this circumstance & this person.  Plenty of reason for bitterness.  For anger.  For resentment. For self-righteousness.

I could list them.

Oh, how I want to list them.

To make you hate him like I do when I dwell on these “facts”.

Uhhhhhh….

--------------------------------------

I need a minute…

Or two…

I need to take everyone of these thoughts & feelings & fears & angers & frustrations & proud thoughts… & throw them away.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  --Matthew 5:43-48

I wish there was a way to stop the thoughts from coming.  To not feel what I do when he comes around or when my kids talk about him or ask about him.  I wish.  But, it’s not possible to not feel.  It’s what you do with the feelings.  It’s where you let them take you.  The road to bitterness & hatred is well traveled & very easy to begin down.

The road to peace & healing is harder to see.  I’ve only found it in the Word of God.  It’s so easy to get distracted off of.  So easy.

Dear God, help me.  I give you every one of these hurts in my heart.  The disappointments.  The fears.  The anger.  The injustice.  The pride.  The human thoughts that make me see such a small picture & the lies that say this is all so unfair.  I give you every one.  I believe You are still a God that heals.  A God that brings beauty out of ashes.  Over & over again.  You have never left or forsaken us.  You won’t now.  You won’t let the evil win.  You have a plan for each of our lives.  My children will not be destroyed because of their dad’s sin.  Or their mom’s.  It’s by Your grace we are not consumed by this… It’s by Your grace that each of us have not been destroyed.  It’s by Your grace & mercy that good will come out of this.  I never imagined or dreamed of such a hard & hurtful road for my family.  It’s so easy to look around & feel like it’s so unfair.  It’s so easy to look at what Jim does each day of his life & feel so very very very angry & hateful.  So easy.  Dear God, I don’t want to live in a place where I hate anyone.  I don’t want to live in a place where I feel resentment over what anyone else has that I don’t.  I don’t want to be proud or self-righteous… I just want You.  I just want to do what You want.  What You’ve called me to.  I don’t want to miss it, because I was chasing down anger & bitterness…  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Pam

Beauty for Ashes… divorce for weddings…

A couple weeks ago, it was a Sunday evening… I had photographed a wedding all day, it had been a gorgeous day, with a stunning bride & a knock out location for the shoot… I was uploading my files from my camera to my lap top when it hit me…

I love photographing weddings…

The profoundness of that thought just blew me away… because after all the pain that marriage has caused me in my life… God is using weddings to bring me great joy… to provide for my family… and HE has brought healing into my life in this area in a way I would never, ever have dreamed was possible.

My mind was awash with the verses in Isaiah about beauty for ashes…

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,”  Isaiah 61:3

It struck me hard that God was really doing this in my life… it’s not just words… it’s real.

I have written in my Bible, from a counseling session in 2009, “God is doing verses 1 to 3 so that He can do verses 4-11… I’d have to agree two years later, I finally am seeing it…

“Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.”  verse 7

The hard days in the past six years (wow), have been overwhelming… and we still have hard days.   Jadon had a hard time on Sunday, dealing with Father’s day… the rest of the kids didn’t voice their pain or frustration, but I know at least one of them is doing an awful lot of “running” still.

Since Sunday though I have seen a change in Jadon.  I’ve seen a better attitude & better attachment to me.  The issue for Jadon & Kiahna is double force with the abandonment of their birth families & then the abandonment of their adopted dad.  We are in counseling, I am taking Jadon today to the counselor that has been helping me with Kiahna.

I say all that I guess to give a more accurate picture.  Are we “done” dealing with this issue?  No, but we are better, we are beginning to taste that “double portion”… we are beginning to have more days of joy, rather than the darkness & ashes.

I am incredibly excited & blessed by the path I am seeing James take these days.  God is doing a work there… It’s leaving me with my mouth hanging wide open at this point… wanting to pinch myself to see if this is real.  I’ll share more as I can, but wow.

I see Zach making more mature choices, I hope.  He’s in Wisconsin with the basketball team & some parents right now.  I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a little bit concerned he was going to so something stupid.  I haven’t had any phone calls… so I hope that’s good news.  He has a great heart, but he is very influenced by others… and he is my “runner”… how busy can he keep himself so he doesn’t have to deal with reality? 

If you don’t have links to my photography pages it’s time you got those!!

This is my photography blog

This is my photography website

This is my face book fan page

My heart’s desire is to glorify God in all of this, go take a peek at what HE has done… I am stunned.

Pam

Crazy week…

So, after thinking, praying & reading your comments on my last post, I felt like I needed to call Jim and make sure he knew about the musical.  I called tonight & he said he didn’t know anything about it.  I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am pretty sure he was lying about that, but anyway… I told him about it & he said he was going to come. 

So, Zach gets home… he says “I need to call dad about the musical”  I said, “yes, you do, I told you to do that a month ago”. 

Of course he doesn’t remember that I said that! 

GRRRR!!!!

Anyway, I did my part… micromanaged…. uhg, uhg, uhg.

Of course at this point there are no good seat available & they will have to sit on the sides…

WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE!!??!!

I told him he should tell his family… I doubt any of them will come.

I have no relationship with his mom.  She is actually much worse off than he even is, and the root of many of his issues.  His dad passed away many years ago of cancer.  It’s very difficult to explain without giving many gory details, but sometimes people are just not “safe” people to be in relationship with… does that make any sense?

Zach isn’t feeling well, he has a cold, at least I hope it’s only a cold.  There is construction going on at the school that has had his sinus’s clogged for a while.  He thought it was wax in his ear making so he couldn’t hear, I kept telling him I thought it was fluid.  He had the school nurse look at it today & she agrees with me.  So, he’s taking some allergy meds & hopefully will pull out of it quickly.

Kiahna is having good days at school!!!  SO HAPPY for that!!! 

Tonight she was working on her phone number, she’s been working on it for quite awhile, and she just doesn’t get it.  FAS can make learning incredibly difficult, sometimes I just don’t know if she will “get” things.  I decided to put the number to music & she got it!!!!  We sang it about 100 times tonight!  Tomorrow I hope I can remember the tune, I tried to make it simple & put it to Mary had a little lamb, but it didn’t flow, so I am not sure what song it is to the tune of! 

Yesterday I got my new washer & dryer… oh my!!!  As of now everything in the house is washed!!!  LOVE the larger loads!!!!!  MAYBE I won’t have to live with HUGE piles of laundry constantly laying on my laundry room floor!!!! 

I also got my new sump pump & back up sump pump… which isn’t nearly as exciting…but just about as costly…

The basement is slowly going back together, I am throwing lots of stuff away & giving lots away!

My water heater might be leaking & my brakes might be squeaking… but I am out of money so they both need to hold on for awhile!!

The next 3 nights we will be at the musical each night… I am taking both girls out of school tomorrow after lunch for Kiahna’s counseling and swim suit shopping for Leah…

DID I MENTION THAT WE LEAVE FOR FLORIDA IN A LITTLE OVER  WEEK!!!??!!!

Pam

I just don’t understand

Today I ran into my ex-husband’s 90 year old grandma at w-mart.  She’s amazing, living on her own & thinking about others… she’s a devout Christian who never misses a Sunday in church & also never misses sending any of her great-grandchildren a birthday card!

She also has a f-book account!  She saw on there that I had posted about Zach being in the musical.  She said that she had been thinking about calling me, because she would like to come to the musical! 

This is where I feel bad because I didn’t think to call her and ask her if she wanted tickets myself…

I mean what’s the etiquette here?  Is it my responsibility to contact my ex-husband and all of his family to let them know about all the of the kids activities? 

He takes no initiative to find out what’s going on with his kids.  He lurks on their f-book pages, so I know he KNOWS what’s going on.  Yet nothing.  Presale tickets for this musical are sold out for 2 of the 3 nights.  Unless he called the school and ordered tickets on his own, he doesn’t have tickets.

I mentioned to Zach about it, “did you ask your dad if he wants tickets?"  I didn’t get a response…

It’s all really quite difficult for me to swallow.  I want to do the right thing.  What exactly is the right thing?  Is he going to show up at the door and expect to have a decent seat?  Is he waiting for me or Zach to call and give him a call & invite him like a favored guest? 

URG!!! 

Bitterness is still after my soul… It is a patient foe that will take me anytime it can…

I went to dress rehearsal and took these shots last night..

Zach & Kurt are the two thieves… these are taken during their duet

Pam

19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam

Quitting

Yesterday I found out just how much I don’t like quitting.

Yesterday my oldest son TEXTED me DURING school hours, while I was at Walmart.

Irritation #1.

He’s breaking the rules & texting during school (he’s in pub class, where there isn’t traditional classroom, but still breaking the rules)

Irritation #2

Nonchalantly telling someone you are doing something that you know is going to (or at least you should know) upset them & doing it by text, and acting like they should have known, because they “told” you before they were thinking about it.

NO!

So, James says, “mom, I am going to quit swimming today & then I am going over to my friends house and we are going to go over to this gym and lift weights for 2 hours”

um… NO!

“I told you I was thinking of quitting, and it just isn’t fun anymore, I don’t like it and I think I should quit”

(is there a word for arguing through texting?) maybe I’ll create one… how about a “textgument”.

Yes, that works, so our textgument continued back and forth with me getting more and more frustrated and irritated, all the while trying to shop and remember what groceries I was looking for.

I told him that we were not going to continue this over text and that we would talk after school.

He didn’t like that answer.

Grandpa was called (by me, and then by James after I told James he needed to call Grandpa)

Grandpa advised James not to quit until he talked to his mom & that he needed to go home and talk to me face to face.

The good thing for me is that I had the time it took to finish shopping, drive to pick up Kiahna at preschool, wait for her to come out, drive home, & wait for him to arrive after school, to climb down off the wall that this had threw me up on, and to analyze my feelings and why I was so upset, and on what levels I was upset, and to decide how I wanted to handle this.

Never mind that I totally forgot about my groceries in the back of my van.  That didn’t happen, remember?

The biggest thing that I felt is my absolute rage over quitting for the reasons of something being “too hard” and “not fun anymore”. 

Isn’t that the largest reasons why people give up on their marriages these days? 

This morning on the news I heard that 45% of Americans are “unhappy” in their jobs.  The DJ made some comment about people needing to be happy that they have a job at all!  AMEN!

I’ll tell you, it really had me upset.  When I finally remembered my groceries & unpacked them, I didn’t even remember that I had bought some of the things I had in there.

James came home, and I was in a much more rational state of mind.  I laid out to him my different reasons why I didn’t agree with quitting.  & the different things that will change around here if he decided to quit.  & my frustrations over some other issues going on in our home over Christmas break.

He called Grandpa to come over.  I think he thought that Grandpa would override my thoughts and that Grandpa might give him his way.

Nope.

Grandpa went through the exact same things I had just said, and confirmed them to James.  James seemed to understand and see that he was wrong in this choice somewhere during the conversation.

Things about quitting and getting a job and not being able to do other activities he wants to do, and about responsibility, and living out what you say you believe, and about consequences.

It all ended with James saying he understands.  He’s NOT quitting the swim team.  Me compromising on a small issue and telling him that if he could keep up his grades he could still go the gym and lift weights after swimming if he wanted to.

(but the fact that he now has a lead in the school musical & between class, swimming, musical practice, hum weight lifting 2 hours a day??  & he already has a weight training class every day during school!!  good grief!)

He went to the gym.  Came home and hugged me.  Apologized. Thanked me for not letting him get away with that.

Wow.

I was blown away.  Thankful.  (checked for high fever) & so blessed. 

One of the things that I said to James, and my dad said too… as James was saying “I’ve never quit anything before and you guys are making such a big deal about this” 

YES!  It is a big deal.  I will NEVER be okay with ANY of my children quitting for the reasons of “it’s too hard”, “I don’t like it anymore”, “It’s just not fun”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO CARES!!  Do you know how many things I do every day that I DON’T find fun!!!!!  Or don’t LIKE to do!!  Let’s not even go to TOO HARD!!!

It was all I could do not to yell!! GROW UP!!

That’s what grown ups do.  They do things that are hard.  Things that are not fun.  Things that they don’t like to do.  They don’t give up because it’s not fun anymore. They don’t stop and decide to do something else just because it looks more fun.

At least they shouldn’t.

How many grown ups do though.

It just creates a fire in me.

The fuel being that my own husband gave up.  Decided it was “too hard” to work on our marriage.  That I wasn’t “fun anymore”.  That there was something else out there that looked more fun.  After all, shouldn’t we all just be happy? 

NO.

What a different world this would be if people didn’t quit when it got hard.  If people didn’t quit when it wasn’t fun anymore.  If people didn’t quit when something else looked more fun.

I pray that my sons & daughters NEVER EVER quit for any of those reasons.  I pray that I never do either.  I wish with all my heart that my husband hadn’t.

Would it be hard to fix this disaster that he had created with his choices?  Yes.  Would it be fun?  No.  Would there be other things that seemed easier?  Yes. 

But, what grows character?  What is honorable?  What reflects the light of Jesus Christ who we say we serve?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”  -James 1:12

I’ll get off my soap box now.  Maybe.

Pam

Can we talk about something else?

Can we think about something else?

My neck, back & behind are sore.

My brain is sore.

I am struggling with overwhelm & low confidence…

photography.

photoshop.

customers.

photo processing.

screen checks.

pricing.

this is starting to feel much more like work than fun.

So, let’s talk about something else, shall we?

***********************************

Lucas’ teacher told me this week that he sees now why Lucas doesn’t start sentences with capital letters & end them with periods.

me?

Okay, i used to have this program that made them all capital for me, so I got out of the habit of pushing the shift key, so now it is hard to remember to do it, and all the kids are typing that way, so it makes me feel young and hip right! :)

*********************************

Another Varsity Football game tomorrow night. It’s been a hard season.  We won the first 2 games and haven’t won since.  Lots of injuries.  New coach.  It would be so nice to see things come together for the team.

James is pretty bummed.  He wishes he would be passed to more.  He doesn’t understand.  It’s hard for me to understand too.  (remember me, the one who didn’t even know what position my son played and this is year 4 of him playing!)

Hoping for a good game tomorrow night.  Praying for safety for the players.

*******************************

If you are reading this and I used to have your e-mail address… and you haven’t heard from me in 3 weeks by e-mail.  It’s because I don’t have your e-mail address anymore.  Please resend.  Thank you.

********************************

I don’t know how things are going with Kiahna and school.  I admit to being a little confused and discouraged.  She is going 3 days.  And the teacher says that it is “much better than last year”.  But she is not anywhere near being capable of handling kindergarten.  Sometimes I wonder if she comprehends. 

She has been learning the letter “P” at school all week… so we are in the van and she hands me her paper and I say…

“Oh, look Kiahna this letter starts mommy’s name, what is this letter?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do, what is this letter?”

“I DONT KNOW”

“Well, what is Mommy’s name?”

“Mommy.”

“No, My name is Pam, what does Pam start with?”

“I don’t know”

“What is this letter?”

“I DONT KNOW!”

The teacher told me this week, “I don’t know how  you do it.” 

I don’t think I like that comment.  That comment makes me feel like she is seeing something I am not.  It makes me feel like Kiahna will not be ready for kindergarten next year.  That comment scares me.

************************************

Blah-dee---Blah-daa…

wanna talk about photography again?

me neither.

*************************************

Jadon cut himself in the chin with his scissors at school today.  Got blood on his shirt and went to the nurse and she gave him a clean one.

I’ve washed and returned the school nurse’s shorts 3 times, and now I have a shirt.  Interesting… all my other kids have NEVER went to the nurse for clean clothes…. Jadon has 4 times, in what? 6 weeks of school. (and all 4 times were in the past 2 weeks!)

************************************ 

Last night I decided that I needed to mop my kitchen floor.  I really didn’t want to.  So, to motivate myself I decided to shatter a 9x13 dish of 1/2 gone chicken enchiladas all over the floor.

The floor is mopped.

Jadon cut his foot tonight.  Guess I missed a spot.

*************************************

Poor Jadon…

Poor James…

Poor Kiahna…

Not sure what the other three could complain about… but I am sure we could find something!!

Poor Me!  LOL!!  Sounding kinda whiney and tired, like I should be in bed, aren’t I!

*************************************

Heard about an acquaintance who’s husband is doing to her and her children what mine did, this week.  I sat there thinking, I should talk to her, call her, do something to encourage her.

Her faith is strong.  Her hope is too… Much like mine has been.

But, am I an encouragement or a discouragement to someone just starting out on this journey?   I don’t know.  I want to be an encouragement to her… to anyone else going through this nightmare…

Here I am 4 years of hoping, waiting, praying, and walking it out… my circumstances are the same… but I am living life.  I am happy (most of the time, but we aren't talking about how my photography has been going)

I’ve found God to be HUGE in all of this, even as my prayers for HSSH seemingly change nothing in him.  God has taken care of me and my children.  He has protected us.  He has carried us through.

That has to be an encouragement doesn’t it?

Pray with me about that will you?  Lord, I want You to use what I have been through for your glory… sometimes I can get in the way with my thoughts and my ideas and my fears and my disappointments… help me… use me…

*************************************

Speaking of HSSH.  He has been coming to most of the kids games.  That is good for them. 

He told James that he would not be able to attend “senior night” in 2 weeks.  James was really bummed… I was relieved…

I feel guilty about being relieved, and I am sad for James… but it is so much easier if I don’t have to walk down that football field in front of all of those people and pretend like this is all “normal”

Mostly he just ignores me.

************************************

So, there you have it, another long, pretty whiny, and maybe a tad depressing blog post…

If you know how to make my computer screen match my photo lab leave me a comment. 

That is if you want to talk photography… cause I don’t.  I am not obsessive.  And don’t lose any sleep over this.  And have not spent countless hours editing and teaching myself this week and have no idea if what I see on the screen is what the print is going to look like & if people will like it… so if you are going to critic my style of editing this would not be a good day.

K?

If you think I am losing my mind… maybe you want to come over and help me find it… cause I am pretty sure you are on the right track!

Time for bed!

Pam

Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Find the rest, oh my soul…

A couple of weeks ago I noticed something about myself.  And I didn’t like it.  I realized that after years of battling with anger… anger was winning more often than not.  Not good.

As long as HSSH would leave us alone, I would be fine.  Long spans of not hearing from him would help me keep it under control.

But, let him DARE to call, write, or show up to an activity… and I found myself boiling inside.  Livid. 

Justifiable?  Yes.  Sinful? No. Fun? NO WAY!

I don’t want to live with this anger.  But, I had no idea how to get rid of it. 

Try as I may, I cannot change HSSH.  And from where I sit, it doesn’t look like God is having much luck changing him either, at least not yet…

So, I have to either find a way to get over this, or I am stuck being this angry person, and having to find ways to “get through it” each time he is present…

… you know since it doesn’t appear he is going to “fall off the earth” anytime soon (sorry God, so glad You know my heart, and remember I am dust!)

We prayed about it in counseling one day.  Not a big deal.  Didn’t think too much about it.  Until a few days later.  Leah came to me and said, “Dad just emailed me asking me when I was going to call him.  What should I do?”

My reaction was calm and collected. (which is the way it usually is when I talk to the kids about him) I asked her what she wanted to do.  She told me she thought she would e-mail him back.  I said, “okay”.  She asked if she should invite him to her play.  I told her that was up to her.  She said she wanted to.

She walked away and I was made keenly aware of something missing.  Anger.  I felt like I heard God say, “It’s okay, this is just where he is right now”.

WOW!  Thank You God for this!  I didn’t even realize YOU had answered that prayer.  But YOU did!  Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank YOU!

We were talking about this in counseling a few days later.  “K” said to me that she thought I needed to find “acceptance”.

I bristle at that word.

“Acceptance” to me has always been, being okay with how things are, which makes what happened acceptable, and means that somehow I have to become content with things remaining like this… (not saying this is the right definition, just saying this is where my thoughts go when anyone mentions the word “acceptance”)

“K” understands that.  She tells me that she read something recently that came to mind then.  How people don’t purposely go about to make bad decisions.  They are making the best decisions they are capable of in the place they are at.  It is only later that they realize, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.

(In HSSH’s case I have a hard time believing he hasn’t realized mistakes over and over again, but has just been too proud to admit it.  Maybe I am wrong with that belief though, maybe he still doesn’t see that he has made 838,499,384 mistakes in the past 4 years) ;)

I am starting to see “acceptance” in a little different way.  What if HSSH isn’t purposely trying to drive me insane with his presence on this earth? trying to hurt the kids and I with his decisions?  What if he believes he is making the best choices?  What if these are the best decisions he is capable of in his completely broken state of mind?

Can I find acceptance in that?

Maybe.

I can find a freedom in that.

Can I keep it?

I don’t know if I can.  Two days ago James brought up something in a conversation about his dad.  Then Leah wanted to call him and tell him what time her play started.  I was angry again.  I don’t want to be.  I asked God to help me get rid of it, and it left again.

I can’t live with this anger.  I can’t live with what it does to my body.  I can’t live with the way it makes me feel inside at the mere mention of his name, let alone his presence in the room. 

If he is coming to this play on Friday night, I don’t want it to upset me.  I don’t want to go through the stress that comes from being around him.  Last time I saw him, even though I was fighting it mentally, I was also fighting in physically.  My heart was racing, I was sweating, shaking, nervous.  I don’t want to do that anymore when he comes around. 

I don’t know how to stop it.

I believe God knows.  I believe HE can.  And will stop it, if I let Him.  So, I want to let Him.  Will you pray for me in this?  Will you pray that I can stay free from anger & stress.  And experience acceptance as I have not been able to in the past?

In session 8 of the Esther Study, Beth said yesterday, “It’s tough being a woman in a mean world.  It’s even tougher not to become mean with it.”

“I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight holding on to faith and a good conscious.  Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.”

1 Timothy 1:18-19

I know God wants to teach me the way to find rest in Him… I really want to learn it.  Won’t you ask Him to show me. 

Find the rest, oh my soul.  Find the rest…

Pam

In a swirl of emotions

This morning my friend mommaof4wife2r @ A Thorn Among Roses, Twittered about this post...  I needed to hear this song this morning too…

This morning in my journal, I wrote that I hate admitting that I am still in this much pain over my divorce.  I hate admitting that I need more healing.  I hate admitting that this may be just as much about me getting to where God wants me as it is HSSH getting to where God wants him.

I’ve been meeting with a counselor once a week again.  I think in a way that frustrates me.  I want to be healed.  I don’t want to be here anymore.

… and this song just makes me cry… that’s where I am… and I know with all my heart… He is with me…

Pam

Are you believing lies?

Over the past week, as I am watching/listening to these videos.  Praying about how to respond to some friends with questions.  Reading daily devotionals from Rejoice Ministries, I’ve been having lots of thoughts.

I was reminded this past week, that our enemy doesn’t have many tactics to destroy us.  He doesn’t need many.  The ones he has work very effectively. As he begins lying to us… and we believe one lie and then another… soon there are so many lies we don’t know which way is up and we have no idea how to get out of our mess… and way to often we just succumb to it.  Feeling helpless and hopeless. 

I am pretty sure that he starts with most of us with the lie that goes… “you made a mistake in marrying him/her”.  And then if we agree, he’ll just feed that lie until we believe it with our whole heart and feel utterly helpless to change anything.

I can remember a time that we lived in Germany.  We were on a base.  Secluded from family and friends.  Phone contact was minimal & outrageously expensive. Letter contact was slow.  There was no e-mail.  None of the amazing communication systems we have now (hard to believe that was only 14-16 years ago!)  We had no phone in our house, the only phone was down the street a few blocks.  I have no idea now what we were fighting about, but I was so ticked at HSSH.  I went out the door, with my purse.  I was calling my parents.  Asking for a plane ticket, and getting out of there. 

I got to the phone booth.  The phone booth only took German money.  I had none.  I walked back to our apartment. Tail between my legs.  Cooled down majorly.  And stayed.  We resolved our issue.  Whatever it was.

In time I had to learn to say “No” to that voice that told me to get out when the going got tough.  I remember a few years after that.  We had moved home, had a couple more kids.  I made a resolve in my mind not to use the word divorce any more.  That it was not going to be an option I let myself think about again.  I was committed to this man, this marriage, and giving any thought to the word divorce was not helping. 

Obviously, it didn’t stop divorce from happening to me.  But, it has made a difference in where I am today because when divorce was on the table I still didn’t want to accept it.  I wonder if the fact that I had made that resolve has anything to do with the fact that I am still praying for restoration of our marriage even after our divorce?

In the 2nd video from Newspring Church, IWantANewMarriage series, Perry says this…

The first attacks he (satan) ever made was on the institution of marriage.  And he’s never going to give up.  So one of the things we’ve got to do is adopt a fighter’s mentality and be willing to fight for our marriage.

The problem that is coming at you even thought it is big, is not bigger than the God we serve.  You’ve got to understand that.  Satan is coming after your marriage.  He’s coming after it with a vengeance…

…Nehemiah understood that attack was imminent.  It was going to come so he stood up and said…

‘After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, ‘Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.’”

Yes, the verse that I have on my computer screen, and the chapter I wrote about here.  I just love it when God reminds me of a promise He made… especially when it has been so long since He made it.

“He said, “Fight for your homes!  Fight for your homes!  Fight!  One of the things we’ve got to be willing to do as married men & women is fight the problems that are coming our way.

If you are passionately perusing Jesus, you will not passionately pursue divorce. 

You may not be able to do anything about him or her,,, He’s signing divorce papers… He’s doing this… He’s doing that.

But, you are responsible for you.  And if you are passionately perusing Jesus, you will not passionately pursue divorce.

You’ll do everything you can to make that thing work.

Maybe it shouldn’t go without saying that there are times when we are in physical danger and need to remove ourselves from the circumstances and pray.  We need to find healing.  We need to let God deal with our spouse one on one.  Sometimes God allows temporary separation for our own good.

Another story, not long after HSSH left us.  I was walking down our stone road.  Crying.  Okay, Screaming out to God.  I was begging Him, through my tears, to have mercy on us. 

I was stunned to realize He was speaking to me in that place of incredible pain, and His answer went like this…”This is my mercy.  My mercy is that I have removed HSSH from your home while I deal with him”

… and so, God began to break out of the box I had Him living in… and I still try to grasp this reality.

God’s time tables are so different from ours.  And we give up so easily when we are believing lies, and we have circumstances to back them up.  I know.  I wonder how many lies I am believing?

In Beth Moore’s Book, Praying God's Word, she devotes one chapter to Overcoming Deception… Where am I believing lies God?  Will you show me?

“Father God, You have adamantly warned Your children not to be deceived. (James 1:16) Am I presently being deceived in any way?  If I am, please reveal it to me and give me the courage to cease cooperating with deceptive schemes.”

Pam

IWantANewMarriage, Continued.

Last week, you may have watched a short clip that I posted.  A promo from a teaching series someone brought to my attention, called…

IWantANewMarriage 

I wonder if anyone went and watched or listened to any of the video, or downloaded the podcast? 

From the Newspring Church website:

“Are you worn out? Miserable? Ready to trade it all in and start over? If you're here, you probably should. Start watching this series to find out how to flip the switch on getting rehitched.”

I am not affiliated with this church in any way.  Someone just sent me a link to this teaching.  I like what I am hearing.  I think that all of us could benefit from hearing the message that Perry Noble is delivering.

If you like a honest, blunt, convicting, humorous and life changing message. This message is for you.  If you don’t like a message like that, then this message is probably really for you!

The message is toward married and singles.  Here is another clip…

I’ve watched this video a few times.. if it wasn’t so incredibly true of what is going on in our world, it would be funny.  

I’ve listened to a few of the lessons.  If you go to listen/watch you can forward about 30 minutes into the video to get to the speaking part.  But, if you have time to listen to the worship that is a blessing too.

I’ll share my thoughts about this soon…

Pam

iWantANewMarriage

Someone needs to check this out with me today….

IWantANewMarriage