A couple of weeks ago I noticed something about myself. And I didn’t like it. I realized that after years of battling with anger… anger was winning more often than not. Not good.
As long as HSSH would leave us alone, I would be fine. Long spans of not hearing from him would help me keep it under control.
But, let him DARE to call, write, or show up to an activity… and I found myself boiling inside. Livid.
Justifiable? Yes. Sinful? No. Fun? NO WAY!
I don’t want to live with this anger. But, I had no idea how to get rid of it.
Try as I may, I cannot change HSSH. And from where I sit, it doesn’t look like God is having much luck changing him either, at least not yet…
So, I have to either find a way to get over this, or I am stuck being this angry person, and having to find ways to “get through it” each time he is present…
… you know since it doesn’t appear he is going to “fall off the earth” anytime soon (sorry God, so glad You know my heart, and remember I am dust!)
We prayed about it in counseling one day. Not a big deal. Didn’t think too much about it. Until a few days later. Leah came to me and said, “Dad just emailed me asking me when I was going to call him. What should I do?”
My reaction was calm and collected. (which is the way it usually is when I talk to the kids about him) I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me she thought she would e-mail him back. I said, “okay”. She asked if she should invite him to her play. I told her that was up to her. She said she wanted to.
She walked away and I was made keenly aware of something missing. Anger. I felt like I heard God say, “It’s okay, this is just where he is right now”.
WOW! Thank You God for this! I didn’t even realize YOU had answered that prayer. But YOU did! Thank You! Thank You! Thank YOU!
We were talking about this in counseling a few days later. “K” said to me that she thought I needed to find “acceptance”.
I bristle at that word.
“Acceptance” to me has always been, being okay with how things are, which makes what happened acceptable, and means that somehow I have to become content with things remaining like this… (not saying this is the right definition, just saying this is where my thoughts go when anyone mentions the word “acceptance”)
“K” understands that. She tells me that she read something recently that came to mind then. How people don’t purposely go about to make bad decisions. They are making the best decisions they are capable of in the place they are at. It is only later that they realize, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.
(In HSSH’s case I have a hard time believing he hasn’t realized mistakes over and over again, but has just been too proud to admit it. Maybe I am wrong with that belief though, maybe he still doesn’t see that he has made 838,499,384 mistakes in the past 4 years) ;)
I am starting to see “acceptance” in a little different way. What if HSSH isn’t purposely trying to drive me insane with his presence on this earth? trying to hurt the kids and I with his decisions? What if he believes he is making the best choices? What if these are the best decisions he is capable of in his completely broken state of mind?
Can I find acceptance in that?
Maybe.
I can find a freedom in that.
Can I keep it?
I don’t know if I can. Two days ago James brought up something in a conversation about his dad. Then Leah wanted to call him and tell him what time her play started. I was angry again. I don’t want to be. I asked God to help me get rid of it, and it left again.
I can’t live with this anger. I can’t live with what it does to my body. I can’t live with the way it makes me feel inside at the mere mention of his name, let alone his presence in the room.
If he is coming to this play on Friday night, I don’t want it to upset me. I don’t want to go through the stress that comes from being around him. Last time I saw him, even though I was fighting it mentally, I was also fighting in physically. My heart was racing, I was sweating, shaking, nervous. I don’t want to do that anymore when he comes around.
I don’t know how to stop it.
I believe God knows. I believe HE can. And will stop it, if I let Him. So, I want to let Him. Will you pray for me in this? Will you pray that I can stay free from anger & stress. And experience acceptance as I have not been able to in the past?
In session 8 of the Esther Study, Beth said yesterday, “It’s tough being a woman in a mean world. It’s even tougher not to become mean with it.”
“I give you this instruction in keeping with the prophecies once made about you, so that by following them you may fight the good fight holding on to faith and a good conscious. Some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.”
1 Timothy 1:18-19
I know God wants to teach me the way to find rest in Him… I really want to learn it. Won’t you ask Him to show me.
Find the rest, oh my soul. Find the rest…
Pam
10 comments:
girl....i love you! and you know we fight the same battle some days. i am so grateful the lord offered that to me years ago and i have been able to see that p's dad just really believes what he believes in spite of reality. i'm ok with that...it doesn't make it right and the hurt does not go away, but my personal life and time with the lord are way better...and i am fulfilled. resting in him is awesome...smiles.
Praying that tonight goes well!! Always remember that God asked us to TRUST not to understand!!! Put in all in HIS hands (so easy to say---so hard to do)! Enjoy your time at the play. (Don't worry about who comes or doesn't-why or why not) Just enjoy. Please wish Leah good luck from all of us. julie:)
Oh yes, I will pray specifically for what you are asking. I think God is making huge strides in you because of your teachable heart and a longing to be right where He wants you to be. Good for you.
I gotta tell you...after my divorce I was so very angry. At me, at him and honestly a little at God for "letting" it happen. Every time I was around my ex I was angry, frustrated, hurt, nervous and it was AWFUL to see him with someone else.
And then one day....it stopped. Not sure what happened or why but one day I woke up realizing that it was time to stop. Time to move on and not let HIM control my feelings....which was what I was doing. It was the most freeing thing for me. No longer was HE in control of my happiness but I was.
I didn't know God back then. Looking back I very much see Him doing to me what He is doing to you.
Anyway, HANG IN. It will happen and it will come to a point where you find true freedom. Praying for you and your wonderful heart. Thank you for your transparency and being a GREAT MOM!!!!
I totally hear what you're saying and know where you're coming from. I felt anger for SOOOO Many years towards my husband's ex-wife for staying gone for YEARS and then suddenly showing up and saying "No, I'm your mom" to our two oldest boys. It killed me, ripped out my heart, and yet there was NOTHING I could do about it. However, I could still be me to them, which is "A MOM".
They saw the difference. I'm mom, and she's just an egg doner. As they've grown up, it's gotten much, much easier. I now realize that I was blessed to get to raise them, and SHE GAVE UP a blessing by walking away.
The anger is gone for the most part now (unless she pulls something really mean or stupid, which still occasionally happens). TIME does heal!!!
just wanting to let you know Im praying for you. You appear to be very confused, or at least Im confused. You talk about wanting him to change, come back, and be a father to your kids again. But then, when he gets that chance to come to a play or takes the time to email... you get upset.
Praying God will ease the confusion,and remember, God isnt the author of confusion.
Also, I dont think HSSH will have the desire to ever come back if he continues to see the tension or anger you carry when he comes around. Let God help you in that area and let that bring you peace, and from that peace you will feel constant joy!
Praying for you..
Pam, I don't have any advice... because, with the hormonal holocaust of "the change", I have temper flashes over little stuff. Can't even imagine how I'd deal with big stuff, but I suppose it would have to involve a lot of prayer and counseling. It's just going to take time; grief is grief, and one of the predictable stages is anger. Trying to ignore it or bury it won't make it go away; it just keeps you from moving on to the next stage and the next and finally healing. So just keep looking to Him, and realize that His timing is perfect. We live in a microwave world, but we have a crockpot God.. and He won't be rushed. Love you... and Happy Mother's Day! YOU are an INCREDIBLE Mom!!!!
You truly are healing every time you vent out allyour feelings here. And acknowledging allyour thoughts and feelings is a big step. And life is all about taking the next step.I'm praying for you Pam.
Pam,
I was told that "acceptance" doesn't mean that what happened is OK, or that I like it. It merely means that what happened happened, and I acknowledge that it happened as it happened.
Same with "forgiveness". Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did is OK... it means that I choose not to remain angry over it (which ends up hurting me more than it does them).
I teach my kids NOT to say "it's OK", when someone apologizes to them - I teach them to say "I forgive you".
and, funny, it should happen this way... I'm sorting through papers today - what I found just before reading this was:
"staying angry with you is how I protect myself from you. Refusing to forgive you is not only how I punish you; it is also how I keep you from getting close enough to hurt me again, and nine times out of ten it works - only there is a serious side effect. It is called bitterness, and it can do terrible things to the human body and soul" - Barbara Brown Taylor
I don't know if that fits entirely with you, but it fit enough with me (10/20/99) for me to print it out and keep it for nearly a decade.
Hope the play went well....
much love to you on your journey to peace...
Dear Anomyomous, You are confused. Just becuase you want somone to come back, and want to see God work in their lives, DOES not mean they can't make you very angry, frustrated, worried, livid, or want to give up on them all together... I do believe that HSSH will return to his family one day... but continuing to believe that while he lives the way he is is impossible, outside of God's help... that is why i am sharing the very real emotions of this journey... i hope that you can understand. Thanks for praying. I hope that you can pray for me & my kids to make it until the end.
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