True Story

I enjoy going to a zumba class a couple of mornings a week. 

My routine is (I love routine) to drop my kids off at school & head to the gym for a work out. (workouts have helped my stress level sooo much)

The zumba class doesn’t start until 9:45.  Running home for an hour then going back in isn’t always the best use of time or gas money.

I’ve went to the one restaurant in town that’s open for breakfast, taken my laptop & decided to work there during the time I am waiting for my class to start.

This restaurant is good because it’s pretty dark, quiet, not very busy so I don’t feel like I am in the way sitting there for over an hour not giving them much business.

I do normally eat some eggs, which  may be just the amount of money it would have taken to drive home & back… but it’s a time saver right.

Another thing about this restaurant is that the wi-fi does not work, the phone reception is horrible… so while those things are not real convenient, they do help me stay focused on my editing & the distractions are a minimum.

Today I was sitting there editing & multi-tasking with my phone.  Updating some of the names, my new phone puts them the opposite of the old phone so I have to move everyone’s names around, kinda confusing, but that’s what I was doing while I waited for my photo-shop program to do it’s magic.

A older couple came in & sat down at a table about 2 away from me.  I was minding my business getting much accomplished.  I heard the man talking & pretty soon I realized he was talking, very loudly, about me.

Discussing my use of my phone & then how I was going back & forth between my phone & my computer.  Using sarcastic phrases about how desperate I was to remain “plugged in” & how much of a panic I would be in if I couldn’t get connection.

“Look” he said to his wife, “now she’s on her computer.  I bet they have wi-fi here, a place like this would”

I go back to my phone.

“There she goes back on her phone again”

I sat there & my heart started to race & I looked over at him while he made sure he didn’t look at me.

I wanted so say, buddy, do  you know what I am doing over here?  Do you know I am working?  I can’t get internet or phone service?  I am here saving money on gas & trying to run my business. Would you like to see?

I can’t say I have ever felt so falsely judged.

He went on to complain about other things, loudly, while his poor wife sat there enduring.

All, I can think about it how quickly we judge by appearance.  How much we jump to conclusions.  Believe everything we hear.  Spread around false information about situations.

If you happen to hear any stories about my family flying around… think about this story before you believe everything that’s going around.  The facts are not the same as the rumors.

True Story.

Pam

Honestly, To tell the truth…

Honestly, I feel like I am struggling on the brink of sanity most days.

To tell the truth I am so glad that school started & I get some time to myself almost every day.

Honestly, I feel bad for feeling that way… but my plate is too full & it’s more than one person should have to carry on their own, so when the school teachers get on board & help me carry it, I am more than glad to let them do so.

To tell the truth, Kiahna’s behaviors scare me to the inner core.

Honestly, I am so angry at Jim some days for what he has done to our children & the way he is living his life, I think I might explode.

To tell the truth, I am tired of forgiving that man for things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Honestly, I know I have no other choice.  Unforgiveness is not an option.  I know what it does to a person & I want no part of it.  It’s just so hard to keep doing it.

To tell the truth, I wonder if visits with their dad hurt them more than they help them?

Honestly, if he is going to come to their games, I don’t understand why he can’t stick around long enough for them to come off the field or out of the locker room to say, “hey, good job son”.

Truthfully… it makes me want to scream with rage when I think about him hurting my kids & how I have absolutely zero control over if he hurts them or not.

Honestly, I like to be in control.  I like to be able to protect my kids.  I like to see the right thing happen.  I like to see good win.  I like to see justice.

To tell the truth, the older I get the less I see of justice, truth, or good winning in this world.

Honestly, without Jesus… I would be so much worse off than I am today… which is hard to imagine, since I feel pretty messed up with Him most of the time.

To tell the truth, I am sooo excited to start a new Bible study up with 2 of my friends tomorrow. 

Honestly, I don’t know what it’s even going to be about… just get me in the Word & save me from myself and this crazy life I am leading.

To tell the truth, I think that raising teenagers might be right up there with the most difficult thing ever done by mankind.  It’s so hard not to panic & think you’ve failed most hours of most days… then you see little glimmers of hope… and you try to focus on those…

Honestly, I think it’s best not to get too focused on anything that teenagers do or say… because tomorrow they will have a different thought that will totally change what they said yesterday…

To tell the truth… I have learned more about special needs children so far than I ever dreamed I would learn in my lifetime.  I wonder if anyone ever goes out and wants to learn how to raise a special needs child before they have one?

Honestly, dealing with my daughters tantrums feels like it could be the death of us all.

To tell the truth, I get angry that life is so hard… I get angry that I am a single parent… I get angry that Kiahna’s behavior is so awful…. I get angry that Zach gets tickets for taking off too fast in a parking lot, that he has a bad attitude of the football field, that girls chase him mercilessly, or that there is a new girl each week that he is talking to, I get scared, I get hurt, I get lonely…

Pause.

These are the feelings, thoughts, emotions, circumstances, issues I deal with everyday…. battlefield of the mind… yeah, you could say so.

We need your prayers.  I have been a single parent for six years.  And guess what.  It’s still hard.  It still stinks.  It still hurts.  It still trying to destroy me & my children.  We still need your prayers and support.

God has been sooooo good to us.  This community has been amazing.  I have to keep fighting this war, I can never stop… please keep holding up my hands…  because I am exhausted.

Pam

A few realizations while turning 39…

I turned 39 yesterday, for the first time, really! 

My day was spent pretty much like I spend most of my days, running kids around, editing photos, keeping busy…

I don’t normally get over 100 face book notices telling me happy birthday, those are so fun!  I also don’t normally go out to eat twice in one day or get my meal free either!  That was great too!

What I do realize is that I am okay with having a birthday, I am glad I had things to do… when I don’t have things to do, I get very… what’s the word I want?  Agitated? Bored? Self Pity? Depressed?

Whatever word I want to use for it, it’s  not a good word & it’s not a good feeling… I know there are issues that are in need of healing in my heart… much like I see  in my children many times…

If we just keep busy enough, maybe we won’t have to deal with the pain of it all?  Maybe not…

Turning to God in our pain & asking for His miraculous healing… what else do I have?  Oh, yeah I could just keep really, really busy and then I won’t have to think about it… probably not.

The truth is I really don’t like being a single mom.  I don’t like having an X husband.  I don’t like that my children hurt.  Teenagers are challenging.  Adopted kids are difficult.  FAS is horrific to live with.  My life is harder than I want it to be.  I fear not being good enough of a photographer to keep busy.  I fear failing.  I fear losing.  I fear… so many things…

There.  That’s the truth.  I feel better.

^“ Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  -- John 8:32

I know this applies to the truth of God’s word… I believe it also applies to the truth about your life… because if we believe a lie we can’t be free…

Praying for God to show me all the places that I am believing lies… and for freedom that can only be found in HIM…

Pam

A Baptism & a Mohawk…

I love my boys dearly…

There are moments where I couldn’t be more proud of the choices they are making & moments when I just want to go hide under a rock…

Had both of those this past week…

A few weeks ago, James called me & told me that he felt like he was ready & it was time for him to be baptized.  He said he wanted Grandpa to baptize him on his 20th birthday in the lake while we were on vacation.

For our family, that’s not exactly the way we normally have our baptisms.  We normally have them in a church… and in our church it has the dual meaning of becoming a member of our church at the same time you are baptized.

So, there were a few “in the box” thoughts that had to be swept away by a few of us.

One thing none of us really knew was what was happening in James life that was bringing him to this place?  Since he isn’t living at home this summer & contact had only been a few phone calls over the past month, it sure had my curiosity peaked as to what God was doing in James.

My dad traveled to BC to meet with James the week before vacation to find out what was happening in his life & hear his testimony.

Dad came back very excited about what God was doing in James’ heart, but didn’t share much, because he wanted James to be able to share it with us himself.

So, on Sunday night, after the littlest kids were put to bed.  James shared his story of what God had been up to the past few years with our family (my 3 sisters, their husbands, grandpa & grandma, & the older kids).  Some of the things were quite surprising to me… anger towards his dad & God being on the top of the surprise list.  He always appeared to have much more of ahold on his feelings than he expressed he did.

How God worked out for James to be at Bethel College & what a blessing that has been… its mind blowing.

The girl that James is dating, Brookelyn (Brooke), was there too.  She is a gem of a girl.  It was really nice to have her there for the first part of the week & get to know her better.  If she is the one that James marries one day, I will be very pleased with that! 

Then on Tuesday, his 20th birthday, James was baptized in the lake by his grandpa with all of us watching on the sides… it was an incredibly emotional, special, amazing experience for me as a mom…

James went back to BC for the rest of the summer, he is working at another camp this week & I am excited to see what God does next!!

(oh, & he decided not to get another tattoo!  THANKS TO BROOKE!!)

And… he shaved his brother’s head into a mohawk the next day…

This one looked cute with it…

This one, not so much…

uhg…

I admit, I was incredibly mad when he did it to Zach.

It was right before the baptism & I could so see satan’s attempt to steal away my joy… ugh… so mad…

I still think he looks really dumb with it, but he’s 17 & one day he will grow up, have children (and probably no hair at all!)  and I will bring out these photos & we will all have a really good laugh!! 

Uhg.

Pam

Does this quote startle you?

“The trauma experience does not have to be obvious, and it does not have to be something most people would consider to be shattering or life changing”

Again a quote from the book Beyond Consequences.

I guess it shocks me a little.

I haven’t in my mind been able to equate that trauma can be purely the child’s perception of what happens rather than what actually happened.  We may see it as “not a big deal” or “they were too young to understand or recall”, but their bodies do recall.

“It is important to understand that trauma can be any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable”

As human-beings we are all going to experience these types of things in our lives.  We all process them in our own unique ways.

“if an individual does not have an opportunity to express, process, and understand the event to some degree in a relationship with another human being, then any trauma can become stored within the cells of the body and have and impact on that individual for the rest of his life.”

What I am beginning to understand is that my daughter is feeling the effects of her abandonment trauma… or maybe she had a high stress pregnancy (YA THINK??)  I mean really, anyone who is in the process of giving up their child for adoption is experiencing high stress.  And this is affecting the unborn child in many ways.

So what I am beginning to understand is that even though in my brain I have been wanting to believe that my daughter, adopted at birth, abandoned by her adopted father at one year old, was “too young” to feel the effects of what happened… she wasn’t.

It pretty much began escalating when school started… even though I had enforced 7:30 bed-time & been successful 75% of the time to get it done, she just was so tired when she got home.

Fits of rage about any little thing. 

Me forcing her to nap because, she’s tired.

And after a fit for an hour, I am tired too.

Restraining her so she can’t rip the house up, run away, or hurt someone or herself, but then she hurts me. 

There is no more helpless feeling.

You walk on egg shells.

Never knowing what you are going to say “wrong” that will insight her wrath.

So, I think… after a few weeks of school she will adjust & then things won’t be so bad.

Wrong.

They didn’t get any better.

5 weeks into school.

Tantrums still going on.

So when I hear that stress can cause children who have been through trauma to “heighten stress receptors within the brain.  In this manner, traumatized children will be more anxious, nervous, fearful, and subsequently, more aggressive.”

Could the stress of being in school all day be causing her to display this aggression.

I believe so.

So, then when I ask of her things like, attending football games, family events, telling her “no”…putting away the cookies… or any other simple household task… it sends her into overload.

I am beginning to see her in a new light.

How can I lower her stress?  Expect her to handle less?  Still keep up with the schedule and routine of my 4 older kids at home?

Jadon asked me to come in to school Monday and eat lunch with him.  I hadn’t done that yet this year, so I went in and ate with him.  Of course Kiahna is there too.

After lunch all the kids go outdoors for recess.  I go along.

Part of Kiahna’s IEP was to have assistants for her at recess… see I knew before school began that recess, lunch, and being at school all day very well could be too much for her… the school wanted to try it, and offered special assistance at recess, which hasn’t materialized.

So, I sit on the bench and Kiahna climbs in my lap and cuddles.

And I have this thought.

Maybe, instead of cutting her hours in school (which after Heather Forbes seminar I was thinking was going to be my only option).  I could come in to school and be here for this recess and lunch.  Maybe I could try it for a week and see if it makes a difference.

I spoke with the school guidance counselor about what is going on at home and my thought on helping her de-stress in the middle of the day by coming in and letting her connect with me.

Monday in the van after school she had another tantrum…This tantrum actually brought me more insight into that things causing her stress.

Tuesday, another one, this one at the football game.  She had one at last Friday’s game too.

So.

I am getting it.

She can’t handle more than her day at school.

Don’t ask her to handle more than that.

It won’t go well.

My plan for now.

No bus riding. (she tried it 3 days, it was too much)

I go to school for lunch and recess and reconnect with her.

No ball games, babysitters who will focus on her & let her get to bed on time.

Leah will work on being nice to her when friends are over, or her friends just can’t come over for now.

Over-all working on the responses to her actions (and those of the other kids) reading and learning and understanding better just how she is processing things.

As you may know, we have no medical diagnosis of her issues.  We have finally been approved for testing and go for our first appointment next week.

Regardless of the label, I know the behaviors I am living with, and I know that my prayers are being answered and I am finally getting some tools to work with.

God is Good.

Pam

Life is just hard…

It is so hard to be a teen today… I can’t imagine. 

Having access 24/7 to friends, technology, stimulation of your mind & emotions that just doesn’t stop.

That’s what kids  have when they have texting & ipods, computers, video games… no rest.  No break.  No way to get away from the drama.

Unless.

Your mom is really mean.

Forcing you to live like it’s 2000 or even 2005.

Shutting off your cell phone.

Banning you from your facebook account.

Refusing to purchase online game systems.

Or and Ipod.

They have it rough.

:)

Obviously, I am trying to make light of our recent difficulties around here.  Lots of punishments have been put in place.

Trust has been shattered.

Lies have been told.

As a parent you want to believe your kids wouldn’t lie.  Or that they wouldn’t make really stupid choices to begin with that they feel the need to lie about.

That doesn’t always happen either.

I really, really want to share our story of this past week, but I am still praying about how & if I can.  The reason I want to share it is that parents really need to know what is out there.  Up until this week there was a un-named monster out there preying on my children.  Today I have a name for that monster, and it’s preying on other children too.

Not ready to share that all yet.

Pray for your kids.

Pray for the schools.

Pray for the truth to be exposed.

Pray for the evil to be exposed.

Pray that if your kids are doing something they shouldn’t that they will be caught.

If you dare.

Because its hard to know the truth sometimes.

It can rock your world.

Ruin your week.

Cause you stress.

Push you to your knees.

But, that’s not always a bad place to find yourself.

Pam

I am ready. I think.

So, I sit here on the night before I send my baby off to all day kindergarten & 5 days before I send my oldest off to live at college.

The week I’ve been dreading, anticipating, worrying, excited over, & thinking about for well over a year.

I think I am ready.

I know I am ready for the structure that school brings to our lives.

Ready for some time without children around.

It’s been a long summer.

It’s been 19 years since I was without kids all day every day. (Kiahna’s done preschool, but by the time you get home it’s time to go back and pick her up again, doesn’t really cut it)

Of course 19 years ago, when I wasn’t a parent, I had just graduated from high school. 

Bizarre.

I have high hopes of gaining some ground on my house.  I have high hopes of cleaning & organizing & sorting & throwing away & giving away. 

I wonder what it’s like to live in a house that is cleaned all the time & not in a constant state of disarray.

I’d love to know. 

But, for the most part the price has been too high to find out before now.  And even now I still don’t know if I want, need, or should make that my priority.

Maybe.

Will I volunteer at the school.  Not sure.  Not sure if it would help Kiahna or hurt to see me there.  Not sure I have it in me to give of my time this year. 

Feeling very burnt out and frazzled.

Frustrated with my children.  Lost phones.  Poor choices.  Miscommunications.  Disappointments.  Noise. Fighting.  Complaining.  Whining.  Laziness… life without structure is fun for awhile, but not for very long.

I am ready to send James to college.  I think.  I know it’s time.  I am tired of thinking about it.  Wondering about it.  Anticipating it.  Let’s just get this done already & move on to our next new normal.

We will be leaving early Saturday morning and spending the whole day on campus with him.  There is a family picnic at 5:00 and then they pretty much dismiss us and take the students off for 4 days of freshmen orientation.

It’s time.

Remind me of that next week okay.  I think I will be okay, but just in case. 

So, I am trying to pray for the teachers & the students, my mind keeps going 1000 mph in other directions… praying for peace.

Praying for God to show me how He wants me to spend these new free hours I now am going to have in my life starting tomorrow…

It’s hard to believe!

Pam

A long time ago…

A long time ago, I used to blog regularly.

I blogged about my feelings.

My emotions.

My family.

My Adoption.

My divorce.

My God.

That was before.

Before I started my own business.

Before I had a senior.

Planned a big graduation party.

Stressed out with emotions over my oldest leaving the nest.

It’s time for me to find that balance again in my life.

Time to stop reeling from James’ Senior year & get my bearings on our new normal life.

Two weeks left of summer vacation.

Three weeks until we move James 2 1/2 hours away to college.

I am not living in the moment.

I haven’t relaxed.

I am overwhelmed.

Stressed out.

Grouchy.

Irritated.

Completely & totally unable to get myself back on track… I cry out to God for help.  He’s the only one who will get me there.

Prayers. 

Thanks.

Pam

Some of my thoughts today…

I think most of my readers know that I have 2 adopted children.  My youngest 2.

They are challenging.

They challenge everything I knew about raising kids. 

Yesterday, I wrote that post pouring my heart out about my fears & frustrations… And I’d love to say… “you know what we had a really good day yesterday, I poured out my frustrations to the Lord, He took my burden & everyone was happy.”

Nope.

We spent almost 2 hours at the pediatricians office doing check ups on how things are going.

It struck me, and the doctor confirmed, that perhaps part of my own issues this week is the shot I got on Monday for my poison ivy.  EVERYTHING is making me cry.

I was starting to feel like I was really in trouble mentally, I don’t believe I have ever been “depressed” & I know that depression is a very real thing, the way this shot made me react to things was not the way I normally react.

Realizing that eased my mind that maybe I was going to get over this constant crying, and I did go buy some vitamins to help with stress, decided to wait & see if I calm down, and today I am better.

Poison Ivy is better too.

But, I was a mess in the doctor’s office and because of my “mess” which even though she had already told me was because of the medications, she still told me some things and prescribed some things that really don’t make a lot of sense to me at this point.

I left discouraged & frustrated.

I met a lady who lives in this area & has a child who’s behaviors are like Jadon’s, & talked to her a couple days ago.  She told me of a specialist that her doctor had sent them to, and that this set them on a trail to find some answers, solutions, tools.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!!  TOOLS!!  HOPE!!! ANSWERS!!!  HELP!!!  RESOURCES!!!  TESTS!!!!  SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING BESIDES GIVE ME ANOTHER MEDICATION TO TRY TO SEE IF IT HELPS!!!!!!

I am sorry.  I am angry.

The doctor gave Kiahna a referral to the place I asked for & said she didn’t think that place would help Jadon.

Instead recommended a physiatrist.  Mentioned some mental illness that I don’t even want to talk about.

I HATE when people throw around SERIOUS conditions without PROOF OR TESTS TO PROVE THAT THIS COULD EVEN BE A REMOTE POSSIBLITY!!!!  These conditions and the people that deal with them are nothing to mess around with, nothing to throw around lightly.

I am sure that this dr is not trying to be that way, she wants to help… but sometimes the biggest help comes from admitting you don’t know the answer and referring to someplace that might!!!  SOMETIMES!!!

PLEASE don’t throw around MAYBES or COULD BE & please don’t ask me to trial an error another medication for one of these COULD BE illnesses!!

I have watched as someone I love’s life was destroyed & is a continual fight with the condition that the dr suggested “might” be what Jadon “could” have…  I KNOW the life destroying effects this condition has, please don’t use that term lightly!!

OH MY GOODNESS, IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!

I feel like someone is playing mind games with me.  Like this is some joke. 

Insurance hoops.

Referrals.

Counseling.

Specialist.

Pray.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??

Last evening, Jadon threw another fit.

In desperation I jumped in the van with him and started driving.  Didn’t know where to go for help.  Called the counseling place we have been going to for over 2 years, they said to come.

The counselor doesn’t know what to do.  (This is pastoral counseling & prayer counseling)  He is praying for us.  God You need to show us.

He shares with us that he is seeing more & more of this behavior in adopted kids.

Where is the hope?

God?  You are calling your people to care for the orphans.  And then we bring them in our homes & they don’t respond to our help.  And things grow worse instead of better.  What are we missing here??

I mean, to be brutally honest here, I’ve had some thoughts these past weeks as Jadon’s behaviors deteriorated once again, that I won’t be able to raise him long term.  Have you ever had a thought like that go through your mind as a parent??  The thought is devastating… I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have to institutionalize one of your children.    Or to be wondering if they will end up in prison after all of this?  Or if there is any purpose to what you have attempted to do in the long run???

I am sorry, adoption is a wonderful thing, and I NEVER want to be a nay sayer on it.  NEVER.  We should adopt.  We should care for orphans.  We should help other people who are trying to adopt.

What we cannot do is leave the families to their own resources AFTER they have adopted.  WE CANNOT!!

IF THIS IS WHAT GOD IS CALLING HIS PEOPLE TO DO, THEN THERE HAS TO BE A WAY THAT HE WANTS US TO DO IT!!!  WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?????

Nothing in my life (you know outside of my husband’s leaving & refusing to work on our marriage at all) has left me more frustrated.

Adoption is a big thing here.  And it should be.  It feels a little bit sensationalized to me.  The easy part is the adoption process.  The hard part is raising children to be healthy adults.

Maybe this is just me? 

Maybe I need lower expectations?

I read another book, in fact I am almost through the second time.  Some of the things in there are wonderful, some don’t work at all with my kids.

The older I get, the more books I’ve read, looking back on some of the things I read & thought would be good & worked, I realize now that you can’t take one author’s whole book and apply it to your children (multiple) and think that #1 one strategy is going to work for all kids # 2 that everything one author says is gospel! 

While an author may have some good points, he probably doesn’t have it all right.

Here’s an example.

I read in the latest book I am reading, which is very good, and has many great points, many of which have changed my approach to many things… one thing it has not changed my approach on is bed time for my 5 & 6 year old.

(I’ll paraphrase because in the book it’s long)  Bedtime, “we introduced something called room time.  Instead of ordering them to be quiet & to go bed, I told them, ‘It’s room time.  We don’t want to see you or hear you until the morning’”

And of course you do.  Then you go to their room and say “Are you not tired?”

And they of course say no.

So you take them out & give them a chore to do.  “When you get that all swept up, there’s a garbage can.  If you’re tired you can go to bed, but if you’re not tired I’ll find something else for you to do”

Let me tell you.  BACKFIRE!!

My 2 love this, I don’t believe they will EVER get tired!!  Meanwhile, me their mother, is exhausted & this is NOT OKAY!!

I tried it 3 nights.

Strike off the list.  Doesn’t work for us.

Last night I put them both to bed, and they were both in their beds yelling (who can yell the loudest) and kicking their walls.

I s*anked them.

Judge me.

They shut up.  Went to sleep.

This morning.  I woke up.  Thankful that I was able to sleep after the day yesterday.  And the first thought I had was that I was letting Jadon’s temper tantrums paralyze me.

The force of his fits is so strong, and growing increasingly stronger, that I have become immobilized to know what to do.

Time outs fail.  Kicking, screaming, tearing apart bedroom, destroying things.

Time ins.  Kicking, screaming, biting, hitting, spewing every hurtful thing that can be thought of.

Somewhere along the line I quite s*anking him.

Somewhere I along the line I lost touch with any possible discipline for a child like this that is so out of control.

This morning I told him I was not allowing him to scream at me any more.  If he screamed at me I was going to s*ank him.

He screamed. 

I s*anked.

He screamed.

I s*anked.

I gave him choices.

He refused.

He got another s*ank.

And then he obeyed.  He did what I asked.  He wasn’t happy about it, but I praised him and he smiled.

He went to school happy.

I hate s*anking my kids.  It is the worst.

You can read books all over the map about it.  I have my kids in counseling, I don’t want to be criticized or accused of abuse.

I am not here to debate it.

I am just trying to survive.  Raise these kids that I love more than anyone in the world.

How about I end this with a positive I’ve gotten from the book I just read…  I tried this last night.  This one worked.

“Levi had been having a tough time.  He was in the second grade & wasn’t reading… when Sheri went to school to pick him up, he was waiting for her.  Sheri thought to herself, ‘Here we go.  My words are spirit and I carry vision for my son.  I carry it in my heart and in my life.  I carry what it is that I want him to have.’”

“Hey, rough day?” Sheri asked him.

“Stupid backpack!” He got in the car.

Sheri drove to the store and went inside with Levi.  He just trailed behind.  Then she stopped halfway down the aisle, turned to him, and said, “Levi, my son, who I am so proud of.”  With one eye, he barely looked at her.

In the next aisle she stopped and pointed at him “Levi my son, who I am so proud of.”  Still he avoided her face.

A couple of aisles later she did it again.”

I think you get the drift.  Last night after Jadon’s fit, I was holding him in my arms and this is what I said.  “You are my son, and I love you, and I am proud of you”.  And I repeated it as I rocked him.

He responded by a nice yell that “I had already said that!”. 

I responded that I know I did, but I was going to say it again.

This morning I said it again as I dropped him off at school.  He smiled.

Dogonit, I don’t have the answers.  If I wrote a parenting book it would say, “PRAY HARD.  the end.”  But, I love these kids and I am not going to give up & sit back while their lives disintegrate before my eyes!!

I will fight for my family.  I will make mistakes.  I will have victories.  I hope that my life is an encouragement to someone.

Thanks for reading all of this.

Pam

Sitting in my puddle

I met a new friend yesterday. 

Through Twitter.

I love texting.

I love Twitter on my cell phone.

I started following a new Twitter friend last week when someone RTed (Twitter term for forwarding meaning Re-Tweet) me a message this person sent about not letting fear rule your day.

You know, last week when I was letting fear rule my day.

So, when my new Twitter friend, who I didn’t  know, except that she was not letting fear rule her day, commented that she was wearing flip-flops and stubbing her toe on purpose just because she is that ready for spring.  I had to respond that I had just purchased a package of oreos with the word “spring” on them and a giant butterfly, because I am just that ready for spring too!

We tweeted back and forth for awhile, mostly about chocolate.  Then she decided to check out just who she was tweeting with and read my profile. 

Yeah.

I make a great impression don’t I.

She commented I’d been through a lot.

Yeah.

Man sometimes I really hate that.  I really want to be someone else.

Anyway she ended up asking me if she could call me on the phone and talk.

This is when I decided maybe I should check out her profile…

Impressive.

So.  We talked.

I told her my story.

You know how I’ve been in a little bit of a down stage lately?  Okay.  I’ve been downright negative.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been hurting.  I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been hopeless.  I’ve been prayerless.  I’ve lost sight of my purpose.  I don’t see any light in my tunnel.  I don’t see anything changing.  Ever.  My life is going to be hard.  I am going to be alone.  I am going struggle and struggle and struggle and nothing is ever going to be easy.

I’ve been sitting in a mud puddle with no desire to get out.  None.

Yesterday, when my new friend Sue called me out of the land of Twitter… I started telling her my story.  Not the yuck, but the “Wow!”  The amazing provision of God for our family.  The great kids I have.  The awesome family support I have.  The business God has given to me. 

I’d forgotten.

I really thought God had forgotten me here in my puddle of muddy misery.  Because I am not seeing how He is being the Father to my fatherless children.  I am not seeing how He is being my husband.  I feel like I have to do it all myself.  I don’t see any hope of life being any different than it is right now.  Hard, overwhelming, and lonely.

I have mud in my eyes.

Sue used some of the wonderful Words of David to wash the mud out of my eyes. 

God used some of His wonderful, mysterious ways to wash the mud out of my eyes.

I felt like the strangling I hadn’t even realized had returned had been released from my neck and I could breathe again…

“Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get so crazy busy with life that we forget. Sometimes the noise of the crowd overwhelms the still small voice and we forget.

I think David did too.
I think that's exactly why he wrote these words in Psalm 103:1-2:”

Read the rest of Sue @ Praise and Coffee’s post inspired from our conversation last night by following this link.

Thanks Sue for showing me how God wanted to get me out of that puddle, show me my reflection, remind me of how faithful HE has been, and help me to speak truth again.

I pray things start getting a little more encouraging around here soon. 

Pam

Tonia’s Pain

I “met” Tonia online.  We were both learning how to care for our adopted children’s hair. We both have 4 bio kids and 2 adopted kids.  She reads my blog and I read hers.  She purchased some of my winter prints a few weeks back.  I am blessed by the friendship of my online friends.

Tonia would read my posts and comment on how much our lives were alike.  But, we had no idea how much they would become alike.

In the past 2 weeks, Tonia’s life turned upside down.  Tonia is now a single mom like me.  Betrayal. Shock. Lies. Pain.

I will not pretend that I have the words to describe what I know that Tonia is feeling right now.  I don’t know that there are words.

It’s one of those, sit with me while I cry & let me tell you how awful this all is, times.

It’s one of those times you wish you had an answer but there really is none.

I realized as I started to let my mind go to where I know Tonia’s mind is at right now, I didn’t want to go there.  There are memories there that I don’t want to remember.  There is pain there that is so intense that I don’t know if I could remember.

I wish I had a formula for “how to survive being left, betrayed, divorced, & hurting day after day after day”.  I wish I had a formula of what to do each day to assure that you will make it to the other side.  I can remember wishing that at the time I was living one breath to the next.

When I look back at that time, I don’t know how I survived.  I don’t know how I’ve made it to today.  I really don’t.  Because I know that I am weak.  And I am broken. And I am unable to survive this kind of tragedy.  Just like Tonia is.

I know that every day I had to make choices to breath.  Get up.  Get dressed.  Eat. Breath again.  I know that I clung to God like He was my last hope.

He is.

Every day I had to choose to trust and believe that somehow God was going to get us through this.  I still have to do that.  I say I “don’t know how”, because it’s true.  I don’t understand His ways, I just know that as I trust, He does.

He is that for all of us.  If we will only let Him.

He is Tonia and her 6 children’s only hope.  He is her husband’s only hope.  And mine.

God blows my mind with how He can use the internet to connect people in different states, who never met, and bring healing and comfort and understanding to one another.

God got me through each and every day of the past 4 years and 5 months.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One breath at a time.  And it was hard, the hardest thing I ever did.  It still is hard.  But, He does it.  I don’t know how.

I read this morning, something Beth Moore said… 

“I’ve grown to enjoy God with time.   Intimacy with God grows through sharing every realm of experience.  I’ve wept bitterly with Him.  I’ve screamed in frustration.  Sometimes I thought He was going to break my heart in two.  But, I’ve also laughed out loud.  Wept with unspeakable joy.  Gone to my knees in awe.  Squealed with excitement”  --Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Isn’t that true.  We grow closer with people as we go through life with them.  As we go through life with God, we grow closer to Him too.  And I realize again just how much more I have grown to love, understand, and treasure my God, My Savior, as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death.

It’s incredibly humbling.  He is incredibly amazing.

I pray for my friend Tonia and her children.  As I pray for her, my mind turns away from my own troubles and I remember the blessing of thinking about someone else other than myself, again.

My prayer for Tonia goes something like this…

May the God who got me through, get you through too.  May He bring peace that passes all understanding.  May He bring joy in the morning.  May He provide immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine.  May every financial need be met.  May every physical need be met.  Emotional needs.  Spiritual needs.

May He bring people to surround you and lift you in prayer constantly.  May He bring people with meals.  People to clean her house.  People to hug.  People to cry with.  People to baby sit.  People to fix broken things.  People to pay the bills.  People to wash the clothes.  People to bring over groceries.  People to mentor her children.  People to help with homework.  People who are willing to walk out the long haul and don’t get tired of hearing her pain.  People who aren’t afraid of her pain.

God, provide for your daughter, Tonia and her children, as You continually do for me.  Fill even the needs that she doesn’t even know are there.  Fill the loneliness.

Help her to believe that You really do cry with us.  And you see our pain, and you gather all our tears into a bottle, because they are precious to You.  Wrap her in Your Amazing Grace.

Oh, God… my heart breaks to think of anyone going through what we went through… please help them…

Please pray with me for my friend Tonia.  Visit her blog if you like.  Follow her on Twitter if you want.  Twitter is a great way to remember to pray, I’ve found.  (God can use all things for good if we will let Him)

Tonia is also homeschooling her kids (like I was when my marriage fell apart) and has been a stay at home mom for 15 years.  Please pray specifically for these things and that God would show her when she is supposed to go from here.

Just pray. 

And again, thanks to all of those who have prayed and continually pray, and are God’s Hand and Feet to us.

“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.”  1 Cor 12:27

Pam

Light Bulb Moments…

A scattering of thoughts…

** Sometimes it hits me all over again where my life is, circumstance wise, and is so overwhelming I just crumble.  I find I need to allow myself the chance to cry again over what has happened, allow it to be okay that it has been over 4 years since it happened… and just grieve it again for awhile.

Then the sun comes up again.  And all the power of the Word of God & the faith that has been forming in my heart as I have learned through the trial to BELIEVE. WAIT. HOPE. LOVE. FORGIVE. Floods back in.  And I am more thankful than I was before.  Because I see where I could be, and I see where I am… and I am blessed.

**No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be financially capable of supporting my family with my photography business, solo.

I am finding that I have been making myself crazed trying to figure out how to balance a business, 6 kids & a home.  All the while not losing my mind.  It’s not going very well.

** I am living in “survival mode”

WHAT?  AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???

When my friend mentioned to me “you are in survival mode” the other day, it was like.  “OH MY WORD I AM!?!”  “I AM!”  How did I get there again??????

See, I was doing so well… then I started adding more and more to my plate… and suddenly it starting spilling over the sides… and I have a mess.

There is a certain peace that comes from realizing you are in survival mode and accepting it.

It’s good.

** I don’t have it figured out… but I do have peace back. 

I am going to do what I feel I can handle, business wise and no more.  That may mean I don’t do any photography some months… And will pick up more other months.  I hope my clients are flexible.  But, I really can’t worry about it if they are not.  If I am giving God the business & the Glory then it’s all really his problem to figure out anyway.

My top priority is going to go back to being my kids & their well being.  I am going to take control of my time.  I am going to stay on top of their lives. 

Again, I don’t know how.  There is only one of me.  And sometimes that really ticks me off.  But, it is what it is.  So, I will help with homework from 3:45 til 10:00… fit dinner, and a ball game in between… read books to them that they don’t understand when they read them themselves… go over spelling and grammar every night… stumble through Freshman  Biology vocab words over and over again… Figure out how F*A*S*F*A (if you’ve not sent a child to college yet you won’t know what that means, but one day soon you will, trust me!) works… clean up after the messy things my daughter does (apparently I am supposed to be supporting, encouraging, and allowing these “projects” which really goes against my nature)… then clean up again when she does things that I have not allowed or encouraged…

Again.  Not by my strength.  I can’t.  As soon as I start to think that I have to, I crumble. Or I get a call from a teacher saying my child was once again in the principal’s office. 

I cannot, on my own, be an advocate for each of my children in their schools.  God must raise up others.  God must send help.  He must.

I don’t know how HE does it.  And I confess it can really make me mad in the midst, to be wondering where HE is and why I can’t feel HIM… Because it sure “feels” like I have to do this on my own.

I don’t know how, but I know that even when I don’t feel it or see it or understand it… HE does.  And people are praying, and truth eventually comes around again, and I start to feel it again… and we go around.

**  I really, really, really, really, really, don’t like the load God is asking me to trust Him with.  It is after all about trust isn’t it.  Do I trust He is not going to give me more than I can bear?  (1 Cor 10:13)  I confess it feels like it is too much too many days. 

** So those are my light-bulbs for today.  I don’t have it all figured out, I make mistakes, I feel overwhelmed, I don’t like not getting my way, I am human living on earth… trying to learn to glorify God rather than myself.  Painful.

“All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them.”  --John 17:10  (Jesus)

Pam

“Pain Perpetual”

“Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed?  Wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as water that fail?”  --Jeremiah 15:18

Some days this is what I feel like.  The wound incurable.  The pain perpetual.  The ever seeping wound that we just get used to having around and try to ignore as much as we can until suddenly the infection gets to be too much, again…

The thought that my life it always going to revolve around the event that occurred on September 16, 2005.  Like the devastation of an earthquake on my family.  How many years will the rebuilding take?  A lifetime? 

I want so badly to be healed.  To be free of the burden of the prayer.  To have my children healed.  To stop being alone.  To stop feeling all the weight of responsibility on my own shoulders. 

I do trust God. 

But, some days I feel like screaming (and some days I do scream)  “WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN DO THIS???  WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE THIS??  DONT YOU SEE I AM FAILING???  DONT YOU SEE I CANT DO WHAT YOU THINK I CAN DO???  CAN’T YOU SEE?????”

You know something else?  There are just no words for times when you feel like that.  All you can do is throw yourself on the ground and weep.  Throw yourself at the feet of the FATHER… and weep.  There are no answers.  At least not at that moment.

Sometimes we just have to take the day and cry. 

Sometimes.

Are we okay with letting that just be okay?

It is very hard to see someone in this kind of pain.  I admit that I don’t like to see others in  pain.  I also admit that I am one of those people who wants to give an answer, quote some scripture, say it’s all going to look better tomorrow, say whatever I think will bring that person comfort in that day…

Know what?  Sometimes it’s just better if we don’t say anything…

Isn’t that strange?

Praying God sees each of us through those times when we just feel like we aren’t going to make it.  Praying for HIM to show me the truth when I feel that way.

After all, He is the One in charge.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”  --Isaiah 58:11-12

Pam

19 years later

I still remember the vows I made… & I still believe God wants to do a miracle… crazy as it all is. 

I believe.

Pam

Quitting

Yesterday I found out just how much I don’t like quitting.

Yesterday my oldest son TEXTED me DURING school hours, while I was at Walmart.

Irritation #1.

He’s breaking the rules & texting during school (he’s in pub class, where there isn’t traditional classroom, but still breaking the rules)

Irritation #2

Nonchalantly telling someone you are doing something that you know is going to (or at least you should know) upset them & doing it by text, and acting like they should have known, because they “told” you before they were thinking about it.

NO!

So, James says, “mom, I am going to quit swimming today & then I am going over to my friends house and we are going to go over to this gym and lift weights for 2 hours”

um… NO!

“I told you I was thinking of quitting, and it just isn’t fun anymore, I don’t like it and I think I should quit”

(is there a word for arguing through texting?) maybe I’ll create one… how about a “textgument”.

Yes, that works, so our textgument continued back and forth with me getting more and more frustrated and irritated, all the while trying to shop and remember what groceries I was looking for.

I told him that we were not going to continue this over text and that we would talk after school.

He didn’t like that answer.

Grandpa was called (by me, and then by James after I told James he needed to call Grandpa)

Grandpa advised James not to quit until he talked to his mom & that he needed to go home and talk to me face to face.

The good thing for me is that I had the time it took to finish shopping, drive to pick up Kiahna at preschool, wait for her to come out, drive home, & wait for him to arrive after school, to climb down off the wall that this had threw me up on, and to analyze my feelings and why I was so upset, and on what levels I was upset, and to decide how I wanted to handle this.

Never mind that I totally forgot about my groceries in the back of my van.  That didn’t happen, remember?

The biggest thing that I felt is my absolute rage over quitting for the reasons of something being “too hard” and “not fun anymore”. 

Isn’t that the largest reasons why people give up on their marriages these days? 

This morning on the news I heard that 45% of Americans are “unhappy” in their jobs.  The DJ made some comment about people needing to be happy that they have a job at all!  AMEN!

I’ll tell you, it really had me upset.  When I finally remembered my groceries & unpacked them, I didn’t even remember that I had bought some of the things I had in there.

James came home, and I was in a much more rational state of mind.  I laid out to him my different reasons why I didn’t agree with quitting.  & the different things that will change around here if he decided to quit.  & my frustrations over some other issues going on in our home over Christmas break.

He called Grandpa to come over.  I think he thought that Grandpa would override my thoughts and that Grandpa might give him his way.

Nope.

Grandpa went through the exact same things I had just said, and confirmed them to James.  James seemed to understand and see that he was wrong in this choice somewhere during the conversation.

Things about quitting and getting a job and not being able to do other activities he wants to do, and about responsibility, and living out what you say you believe, and about consequences.

It all ended with James saying he understands.  He’s NOT quitting the swim team.  Me compromising on a small issue and telling him that if he could keep up his grades he could still go the gym and lift weights after swimming if he wanted to.

(but the fact that he now has a lead in the school musical & between class, swimming, musical practice, hum weight lifting 2 hours a day??  & he already has a weight training class every day during school!!  good grief!)

He went to the gym.  Came home and hugged me.  Apologized. Thanked me for not letting him get away with that.

Wow.

I was blown away.  Thankful.  (checked for high fever) & so blessed. 

One of the things that I said to James, and my dad said too… as James was saying “I’ve never quit anything before and you guys are making such a big deal about this” 

YES!  It is a big deal.  I will NEVER be okay with ANY of my children quitting for the reasons of “it’s too hard”, “I don’t like it anymore”, “It’s just not fun”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO CARES!!  Do you know how many things I do every day that I DON’T find fun!!!!!  Or don’t LIKE to do!!  Let’s not even go to TOO HARD!!!

It was all I could do not to yell!! GROW UP!!

That’s what grown ups do.  They do things that are hard.  Things that are not fun.  Things that they don’t like to do.  They don’t give up because it’s not fun anymore. They don’t stop and decide to do something else just because it looks more fun.

At least they shouldn’t.

How many grown ups do though.

It just creates a fire in me.

The fuel being that my own husband gave up.  Decided it was “too hard” to work on our marriage.  That I wasn’t “fun anymore”.  That there was something else out there that looked more fun.  After all, shouldn’t we all just be happy? 

NO.

What a different world this would be if people didn’t quit when it got hard.  If people didn’t quit when it wasn’t fun anymore.  If people didn’t quit when something else looked more fun.

I pray that my sons & daughters NEVER EVER quit for any of those reasons.  I pray that I never do either.  I wish with all my heart that my husband hadn’t.

Would it be hard to fix this disaster that he had created with his choices?  Yes.  Would it be fun?  No.  Would there be other things that seemed easier?  Yes. 

But, what grows character?  What is honorable?  What reflects the light of Jesus Christ who we say we serve?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”  -James 1:12

I’ll get off my soap box now.  Maybe.

Pam

Do I Just forget and go on?

In the past week I have heard of so much pain going on in this world… 

Death.

Illness.

Sin.

Betrayal.

Nationally & right here in our little community.

A good friend of mine knows a young  mother who was killed in a car accident & my friend is weeping with the children while trying to feed the baby a bottle he’s never had to take… while his 2 year old brother cries over “mommy being broken” because he saw it all.

A young mother goes in for surgery and a doctor makes a tragic mistake.  And she is gone.  Leaving a 7th grader and a 4th grader.

Another young mother suddenly has an aneurism and isn’t expected to recover.

A young father, and husband of an old classmate is suddenly killed while at work in an accident.

A young father has cancer & he and his family sit in another country for over a month seeking treatment for a disease that has taken so many.

A highly respected community leader falls to the sin of adultery and 2 more marriage’s go down the drain. 

All of this in my own little circle of life.

I would imagine that each of you could add one or more to this that you have heard in the last week.

I find myself hesitating to enter into their pain.

My own pain is still too close to the surface.

I may have to acknowledge it’s existence if I enter in to someone else pain.

But, what can I do?

To be quite honest, I don’t know what I can do.  But, something in me deep down does not want to just move on and pretend that I have not been through something so tragic & painful… and God has not shown himself utterly amazing in the midst.

What does that look like?

Pam

Wondering when...

I am wondering when things are going to come together for me to have a computer in my home again... the way things look right now I may be getting the new & the old back around the same time... the end of the week...
Meanwhile, I have been tempted to throw in the towel and give up on the whole idea of doing photography as a way of supporting my family...

Feeling like I am in over my head.

Not understanding why there are so many glitches!

Saturday I was totally losing it.

I went to pick up my external hard drive...

My recovered photo files had been downloaded onto it.

I took it to this computer (my parents) and plugged it in.
So excited to see my pictures again! So excited to share some on my photo blog and here.

And disappointment.

Some of them are there.

Most of them aren't.

No one was available to help me understand why this was happening.

I was crushed.

I had paid to have them recovered. Paid more than I wanted to pay. & now this.

Plus, I realized that I had saved many of the photos I had edited too small.

Much work awaits me when I do get a photo editing system & computer going again.

What am I thinking?

Can I do this?

Is this crazy?

I had another photo shoot scheduled for Saturday evening. Feeling about as confident as a pea, I went ahead with it.

Got to the location.

Was blown away by the beauty.

Was blown away by God.

Was blown away by His favor on me.

It has been a rough start... but He is providing the way.

Teaching me.

Letting me learn.

And leading.

This is HIS idea... of that I am sure.

I am incapable on my own... of that I am VERY sure.

He will have HIS way in where this all goes. That is a fact.

Pam

(yes, all of these were taken at that location... I'll have lots more when I get my computer up & photos edited!!)

Sometimes I'd like to forget...but then how would I remember?

Today is a day to remember.

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago."

Psalms 77:11

Remember God's Faithfulness to our family.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5

Remember that He has walked through every event, every pain, every trauma, every heartbreak, every betrayal, every hurtful word, every tear, every laugh, every smile, every moment... by our side.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

He has "Kept" us in the Palm of His hand.

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalms 91:4

It's been 4 years today that HSSH left.

The details are painful.

The reality is hurtful.

God is big.

Yesterday, when I realized that today was the anniversary date, I mentioned it. Someone told me, "you are such an example".

"Example?" was my thought. Of what? How to survive living he*l and live to tell about it?

In another conversation with a friend, she asked me what I wanted that example to be. My answer? I want the example to be that God is Good. All the time. No matter what. I want that to be the example.

God has gotten us through the past 4 years.

God has brought healing where I didn't believe He could.

God gives me Hope of a future.

God fills in the gaps as I raise these kids.

God provides for our needs.

God comforts, heals, protects, speaks, leads, & guides.

He gets all the Glory.

All.

Today I remember that when everything I knew was shaken to the core. God was faithful.

Pam

Catchup

It’s Labor Day.

My 4 oldest are all off somewhere.

My 2 youngest are arguing over new toys.

I’ve spent the better of the weekend playing with pictures.

My house is showing the results of that.

It’s time for an update here though.

Time for some words rather than all pictures.

But, there will be pictures. For sure.

I think when I last left you with some personal thoughts about myself, I was talking about beef stew… there is more to that you know…

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of hearing one of my favorite teachers, Beth Moore, live, via simulcast.  Beth feels like a close friend to me, if you’ve walked this road long with me, you know that already. 

God has used Beth’s words to walk me through some tough (understatement of the century) days, and to say some hard stuff.  He’s also used them to encourage me & enlighten me.  Bring freedom to my soul. To speak His truth until I began to believe Him down to the marrow of my bones.

This time was not different.

The worship brought tears to my eyes, until I couldn’t contain them … so much thankfulness in my heart.  Thankfulness that God has brought me through living hell & that I have joy in my life again.

How do I put words to what my heart feels?  I can’t.  I really can’t.  He really is good.  All the time.  He really can work miracles in our hearts if we will let Him.  Even when the circumstances are unchanged. 

I think that’s the thing that gets me the most.  I didn’t believe that I could feel peace.  Could live life.  Could get on with things.  Not without changed circumstances.  I really didn’t believe it was possible.

Beth spoke on Psalms 37.  A chapter that God has brought me to over and over again in the past.  One reason that I have went to that chapter is that it talks about the evil around us and how much it seems that people get away with.  How unfair things feel.  How often doing the right things doesn’t seem to matter.  Admit it.  On earth it doesn’t feel like it matters sometimes.  And I long to understand that.  And to have peace with that.  And to still believe God despite that…

“Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong”

Psalms 37:1

Beth focused on the forth verse of this chapter for the bulk of the day.  The verse says…

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”

Psalms 37:4

What are the desires of our hearts?  One quote from Beth that was huge & takes some meditating on…

“Beneath the desires of our hearts is the heart of our desires”  --Beth Moore

What do you read there?  That’s deep.  You may have to write it down and pray about it like I am.

I want my heart’s desires to match up with God’s.  I have to go back over and over again and wonder if my heart’s desire to see a restored marriage is me or God.  I want to believe it’s God.  I do.  Could it become me?  Could it become my desire to not be wrong.  My pride.  My desire for a perfect, happy ending?  My desire for a storybook life?  Yes.  All too easily.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to speak to me on this issue.  Because I, in my flesh, in my contentment with my new normal, could easily say, “forget it”.  In fact I am quite happy with the way things are.  Putting a man like HSSH back in my life anytime soon would just mess with me all over again.  And even though I am so amazed by how God gets us through trials like this… I would NEVER willingly jump back into trial & tribulation & stress & yougetthepoint again.

So, I am listening to Beth… she is in the audience speaking to the ladies there.  She is asking them to tell her what they took away from the message on Friday evening.  One lady says to Beth, I have been praying for something for 15 years and your message last night just encouraged me so much to not give up.

Beth replies to her that she shouldn’t give up on that thing until “God releases her”.

My heart hears… “you have not been released, you can’t give up.”  I know what He’s talking about.

Later on, Beth is talking about three things that rob our joy…

Her quote was…

“What’s taking a bite out of my personal delight?  Because delight is our right.”

Beth used the acronym “JAW” to help us remember what is “biting” away at our delight.  JAW stands for Jealousy, Anger, & Worry.

Uh-huh…

So she is talking about jealousy, and asking what we are jealous about.  I am sitting there thinking about that.  Of course there is an argument in my mind.  Am I really jealous about that?  No, I don’t think I am.  Maybe.  Maybe that?

Beth suddenly says…

“We may say ‘they have my husband’ I promise you God’s gonna deal with that”

O. My. Word. How does God do that?  How does He do that?  HOW DOES HE DO THAT??  He is amazing!  Amazing I say. 

All that being said to say.  I am living in the most peaceful place I have been in in years.  I am loving it.  I am amazed by it.  I am still believing & praying for a miracle in my dead marriage.  But, it isn’t holding me captive.

God is Good.

Pam

God & Beef Stew

Things have been going well.  Very well.  I am feeling blessed.  It is good.  But, I’ve found myself afraid to say much.  You know?  As soon as you say something then something happens and ruins it all… so I’ve been kinda sitting back holding my breath… wondering. waiting.

Last week I had a wonderful time with a friend & counselor.  We talked, had coffee, cried, prayed… processed… & mostly my heart just felt like it wanted to burst with the love I have for my God & my Jesus & the Holy Spirit… because He is more than I ever dreamed He would be.

I never believed that I could feel joy again, let alone joy like I have never felt before.  Not unless everything I was praying for happened.  Then I’d feel joy.

Many times I have heard that God wanted me to feel joy now.  Before my prayers were answered.  I didn’t see how.  I couldn’t wrap my small brain around it all.  Many times people have prayed.  God heard.

Last week it really hit me.  Many ways really.  After the meeting with my friend, there was an opportunity to make some food (again) for the football team.

This time it is for a smaller group, 25-30 players as they watch game tape.  It doesn’t have to be much, they say.  I decided that I wanted to make beef stew.

CRAZY!

I thought, “NO! That is too hard.  That will overwhelm you.  You can’t do that.  You don’t have to do that.  No one is asking you to do that.  Don’t do that.”

But, what I realized is that I wanted to do it.  I realized that it feels SO good to actually be able to do something that I am finding pure joy in making beef stew for 25-30 football players!

CRAZY!

Live out 4 or more years in paralyzing fear, anger, worry,frustration, and pain… finally feel joy again… without your prayers being answered… then you will understand.  Or at least try to understand.  I don't think it’s understandable by our brains.

I don’t understand.

I’ve decided to run with it.  I am making beef stew today.  Lots of beef stew.  And these boys have no idea how much my heart is rejoicing that I am able to make it.  No idea… I have tears in my eyes right now because I am able to make beef stew!! 

God, You make me laugh!

Pam