Choosing to blog to get my thoughts in order?

Might not be the best choice?  Maybe I won’t publish?

Kiahna has went from “horrific” to “very manageable” over the past week.  I give the credit to God & the prayers.  He gives wisdom when we ask.  He keeps me asking.

Took her off of one medication. Added some more vitamins/herbs. 

Medication we came off of was the steroid inhaler for her asthma.  Behaviors had declined after getting that back into our lives with the allergy season upon  us.  Her asthma symptoms (she has never had an attack) appear to be related to her allergies.

One of the vitamins we added to our lives was Gaba.  If you have a kid or yourself with behavior issues, anxiety issues.  Run, don’t walk, & get some Gaba.  Seriously.  I have never seen an immediate result in a herb/vitamin like it appears I am seeing with this.  Very inexpensive.  I ordered mine from this site.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  Kiahna woke up this morning & said to me, “Is today I am going to second grade?”  Poor kid!  No wonder she has anxiety!  Even when she’s been told over & over, she still doesn’t understand what’s going on sometimes.  The world she lives in is very confusing.  It’s hard for me to remember that.  I’d have anxiety too.

Zach is ending his junior year.  I am struggling to trust him.  I am struggling with anger at some teachers/coaches for their impatience with him.  I am struggling with fear.  I dread his senior year.  And I hate all those things in myself.

Quote from Zach last night “In one year I will be in college and you won’t have to worry about me any more”….   oh Zach you have no idea/

My biggest concerns right now for him are his self esteem.  Self worth.  God being allowed to work in his life as we go through the hard days ahead.

Hard in ways like, the 3 game suspension he has hanging over his head for the football season that is up & coming.  The football season that meant everything to him.  Hard in a way that I am not sure that even after the suspension is over that the coach will allow him to play.

Hard in ways like the fact that I am very involved with the mother’s portion of the team.  Very, very, very difficult for me to watch my son be treated a certain way for discipline I don’t agree with & pour my heart & time into working on.

We both have some tough days ahead.  Consequences are hard.  But even harder if they are consequences you are facing for someone else's decisions.  HARD!

Lucas had his 14th birthday last Friday.  He is growing up in his quiet way in a house full of a lot of “stuff”.

James is home for most of the summer & working hard.

Everyone else seems stable at the moment.

Working hard on my business.  God is blessing it.  I am loving it. 

DEEP BREATH.

Summer break will be good.  Right. Right?  Right.

Pam

Zach’s Junior Prom

Tonight was Zach’s first prom!

 

 

 

 

 

His date is just a friend, although he would like her to be more & they dated awhile last year…

Hope all is going well!

Promenade:

 

 

Good night all night promers… this mama needs her rest to deal with life!

Pam

Photo op

Zach, myself & Leah backstage before the musical, KRAZY KAMP!

Pam

Lots of excitement!

Exciting times in this small community!

Last Monday our basketball team (who I have been photographing all season, along with my 2nd son)

WON SECTIONAL!

Perspective.

We have one of the best teams in the state in our sectional.  Bishop Luers.

Private schools create teams that are designed to win ball games.  Public schools often lose out, using only the kids born & raised in the district.

My opinion.

This is only the 2nd sectional win AC has won since division basketball began.

We also won the ACAC conference team championship.  Going 7-0 in the conference.  When you rank among the smallest school in the conference.  Let’s just guess when the last time that happened?

THIRTY-THREE YEARS AGO!

Another night of celebration!

No team from our school has ever won a Regional game.  Has ever won 20 games. 

Today that could change!

Today we travel to regionals & we play 2 games if we win the first!!

Really exciting!

Check out AC Basketball Facebook Page to follow the team or learn more!

Not only is this a good basketball team, they are almost too good to be true people involved!  Absolutely incredible attitudes.  Fun, nice, good kids.  Excellent program.

I really saw that a few weeks ago when my son was suspended (from a game) for missing the community service project they went on.  Zach’s attitude has been a thorn in their side all year (and last year).  It just won’t be tolerated.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to pull himself together & be what he needs to be.  So, he has sat the bench on JV much of the year, when in reality is is good enough to be on the Varsity bench.

As I thought about that, I realized that they were putting my son as a person ahead of winning games.  They were doing what they as a coaching staff could do to teach my son that living with that attitude will not give you success.  It will not be tolerated. 

I have been under the basket this season for every game.  I will say that I have seen a ton of attitude on the courts.  Much of it coming from teams that wear “Christian” on their chests.  The reality of the rarity of a program that will not tolerate attitude to poison their program hit me.

Too bad it has to be when I see my own son be the one to go through it.

But, we are on a journey.  He’s gonna learn.  Perhaps later rather than sooner.  But, we will be there through it all.

See him standing behind the bench in the black shirt… the one with the mohawk…

So, today we travel… Excited.  Zach will go as a fan, on the fan bus (praying he stays out of trouble).  James & Brookelyn are home.  James, Brooke, Leah, Dad, Ben & Myself are all traveling out together to watch the Jets! 

First game at 1:00 & second won’t start til close to 8:30.  Then travel almost 3 hours home… With the time change… GONNA BE A LATE ONE!

PLUS…

It’s musical week!  KRAZY KAMP

Zach has a lead… he’s a “junk food junkie”

Leah’s in the chorus… I have very few pictures of her, because she’s always in the back!  WHY are your eyes closed girlly!!! 

Perspective:  3 of the 5 starters on the basketball team are in the musical!

Last performance, that was supposed to be tonight is moved to Sunday at 4.

Can we just say exhausting weekend.  But, oh so much fun.

By Monday we may need a 2 hour delay in the worst of ways!!

Good luck to all this weekend!

AND

go jets!!!

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

I ache for you son…

“Once they hand me that diploma & I walk out of that school everything will be okay in my life” 

“The problem is them.  They all hate me.  They all want to ruin my life.  They are out to get me”

My heart aches to see you find healing, son…

My head spins with all the things I want you to know & understand about life…

You won’t find happiness in the next stage in life if you don’t find it here.  It isn’t going to come from getting your diploma.  It isn’t going to come from a girl.  A college.  A wedding.  A baby.  A job.  A move.

It’s only going to come from within your heart, when you choose to let Jesus Christ come in & heal the broken hurting places.  When you choose joy in the midst of the world that hurts.  When you put others before yourself.

Without it you will only go through life hurting & hurting others.

“I don’t believe you”

I know.  I’ve lived.  I’ve watched.  I’ve hurt.  I’ve been hurt.

Just say the words “I am angry at my dad for what he did to me, I am angry that he isn’t here for me now.  I am angry that I don’t have his support in my life”… say the words out loud…

“I have said the words.  There is this one teacher who likes me & I have talked to her every day last week”

“I just need to talk to this one girl again, she will listen to me”

Am I not listening to you son?  Because I have an opinion about what you are saying I am not listening?  Are you going to go to someone who will tell you that everything you say is right & everyone around you is wrong?  Are you just looking for people to agree with you?  Other angry people will.

This has been a hard road.  Everything that has happened has changed all of us forever.  We will be dealing with the things that this has done to us for the rest of our lives.  I believe that.  There is forgiveness to give & bitterness to fight every day because the betrayal continues.

I watch my son get lost in it all… I ache.

Prayers change as children grow up & the control we once had, or felt like we had… the voice that we had that they could hear that they no longer can hear… My prayer for my grown(ing) up sons… I am so glad YOU are their FATHER… YOU got this right?  I can rest?  YOU know what to do… I believe You…

Aching for my son.

Pam

What’s up…

I was a pretty pathetic blogger in 2011… both here & on my business blog… It’s my hope to catch up my business blog over the next few months before work gets out of control busy again… & I hope to spend some time writing on this blog again too over the coming months.

I miss the days when I didn’t have my own business to run that keeps me from writing.  I miss writing.  I need to get that book published I guess so that I don’t have to work so hard! 

I love my business, I just struggle to keep a balance.  To say no to jobs that I know are going to put me over the edge of my schedule.  I think about 2012, about Zach becoming a senior, about the amount of time I want to spend working on the football mother’s club vs the amount of time I spend working for myself vs the care & time I need to spend parenting my children.

Today, I sit reflecting.  Wishing I had a husband to sit & reflect with.  Wishing I had a husband as an ally as I muddle through parenting.

2011 wasn’t a bad year for us, it was a challenge… as they all are.  There is so much joy when I think of James’ baptism.  Of Kiahna’s good days.  Of Leah’s happy heart.  Of Jadon’s excellent mind.  Of Zach’s football accomplishments.  Of Lucas’ quiet spirit.

They tend to be pushed to the side when I think of the struggling days Kiahna has had in school & I wonder how long the medication will last this time.  I think of the pain that is caused each day in my kids with their dad’s life choices.  I watch my daughter gain weight & over eat & I feel like I have no way of helping her.  I watch my son deal with so much anger it looks like it could take over his life at any moment & cause him to do something he will regret for a lifetime.

Then I remember how much God has been with us through all of this journey into singleness & loss of dad… how He has done exceeding abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined in James’ life… how He provides exceeding abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine in our finances… how not a day has gone by that He has left us on our own in this journey.  Not a second.

As my mind wavers back & forth between worry & trust… I strive to stay on the “trust” side better than I did last year.  That’s why I have chosen it as my One Word for 2012.  It’s going to be a challenge each day… I know this for sure. 

Have to go, my daughter is in need of some of my time in therapy… that’s another blog post…

Pam

When the meds stop working…

…and start working against you…

It happens very quickly with some meds & you know right away it’s not a good fit.

It happens very slowly with some meds & you don’t realize until you are living a nightmare that maybe it’s the meds.

Sunday.  A tantrum during Sunday school.  Can’t even send her into the classroom alone.  Don’t trust her behavior. 

Can’t handle drawing a smiley face on your baby Moses??

Something is seriously not okay with this.

I’ve had the little thought before that maybe it was the meds turning on us.

I finally took the plunge and didn’t give her the medication on Sunday night.

Monday was a different ball game.

I had a different child.

I don’t know whether to be angry or rejoice.

Rejoice.

There is nothing I can do about the past.

She takes the meds for her ADHD, so without the meds the ADHD, impulsiveness, sensory issues are all heightened… BUT AT LEAST SHE IS RATIONAL!!

We don’t have to live like we are walking on egg shells because she can’t deal with ANYTHING!!

I even took her to Lucas’ ball game tonight!  Her first game this year…  She did fabulous!

I guess the sun was a little bright for her!

THANK you so much for your prayers… life isn’t perfect, but it’s, like a bazzillion times better than it was just a few days ago… what a huge relief.

A few pix of my kids playing football now…

Lucas…

Zach…

Leah’s first homecoming powder puff game… with interception!!  check out that smile!

Their freshmen team… they were awesome, they would have won too, but the seniors cheated… so the seniors won.  (leah is the second from the left on the front row)

And Zach’s homecoming activity… Sledgehammer volleyball… they won best costumes…

Sometimes, it’s best you just don’t ask!

Pam

Pausing to write…

It’s busy around here… I know, you are shocked… I have to put the 1,000 things that are running through my mind & on my “to-do” list now that school is back in session, on hold to pause & write…

I am so blessed that people still read, follow & comment here… thanks.  Thanks for loving our family, for sticking through this with us, for supporting us with your prayers & kind words.  Its really amazing. 

James just left for his sophomore year at Bethel.  He was only home for the past week & the majority of his stuff was still at school.  Since he takes his own car, there was no need for me to go to help move in.  That’s kinda sad.  I would have enjoyed going along & being a part of moving them in again this year… but I have enough to do here at home I guess.  (haha)

I took him shopping last week for a few clothes for the new school year.  He’s a character let me tell ya.  Fun to be around & so embarrassing sometimes!  He bought these glasses at Pac-sun…

… I was so dying laughing… he walks into a department store & the clerk is trying to talk to him about what he’s looking for… I had to walk away… it was just too funny…  I asked him to walk on the other side of the mall & to please STOP calling me MOM!!  Of course you know what that did… oh my!!  Later he forgot to put them on after he had switched them out for his sun glasses while he was driving.  He was trying to convinced me to buy him something, & told me that I should get it for him since he had taken off the glasses for me… HA!  Yeah right, you forgot to put them back on!  He just laughed, cause he knew it was true.

It’s a little hard to see him go back to school… I admit.  It feels like he’s finally being a grown up & now he’s not around… but I know he’s where he needs to be & he’s very excited to be going back for another year… so all is well.  It will be neat to see his Spiritual growth this school year too.

I had to text his girlfriend, Brookelyn, to give her my sympathy for the glasses & the way he dresses… didn’t want her to think I CHOOSE these for him!!  (YOUR MAMA DRESSES YOU FUNNY!!)  His take on “style”… he to wear what is just coming in & then when everyone else is wearing it, he doesn’t want to wear it anymore… (get a good job hunny)

ZACH:  Well… Junior year has begun… football is in full swing… he’s been talking to a different girl about once a week all summer… his attitude goes from okay to boarder line most of the time… nothing to wonderful & nothing totally horrid either…

He could always use your continued prayers… safety on the football field… attitude… education… future… God bring Healing to my son… so much anger in this boy… thinks everyone is against him… so hard…

My moment is over… I will try to update on the rest of the family & myself soon…

Thanks for praying…

Pam

A Baptism & a Mohawk…

I love my boys dearly…

There are moments where I couldn’t be more proud of the choices they are making & moments when I just want to go hide under a rock…

Had both of those this past week…

A few weeks ago, James called me & told me that he felt like he was ready & it was time for him to be baptized.  He said he wanted Grandpa to baptize him on his 20th birthday in the lake while we were on vacation.

For our family, that’s not exactly the way we normally have our baptisms.  We normally have them in a church… and in our church it has the dual meaning of becoming a member of our church at the same time you are baptized.

So, there were a few “in the box” thoughts that had to be swept away by a few of us.

One thing none of us really knew was what was happening in James life that was bringing him to this place?  Since he isn’t living at home this summer & contact had only been a few phone calls over the past month, it sure had my curiosity peaked as to what God was doing in James.

My dad traveled to BC to meet with James the week before vacation to find out what was happening in his life & hear his testimony.

Dad came back very excited about what God was doing in James’ heart, but didn’t share much, because he wanted James to be able to share it with us himself.

So, on Sunday night, after the littlest kids were put to bed.  James shared his story of what God had been up to the past few years with our family (my 3 sisters, their husbands, grandpa & grandma, & the older kids).  Some of the things were quite surprising to me… anger towards his dad & God being on the top of the surprise list.  He always appeared to have much more of ahold on his feelings than he expressed he did.

How God worked out for James to be at Bethel College & what a blessing that has been… its mind blowing.

The girl that James is dating, Brookelyn (Brooke), was there too.  She is a gem of a girl.  It was really nice to have her there for the first part of the week & get to know her better.  If she is the one that James marries one day, I will be very pleased with that! 

Then on Tuesday, his 20th birthday, James was baptized in the lake by his grandpa with all of us watching on the sides… it was an incredibly emotional, special, amazing experience for me as a mom…

James went back to BC for the rest of the summer, he is working at another camp this week & I am excited to see what God does next!!

(oh, & he decided not to get another tattoo!  THANKS TO BROOKE!!)

And… he shaved his brother’s head into a mohawk the next day…

This one looked cute with it…

This one, not so much…

uhg…

I admit, I was incredibly mad when he did it to Zach.

It was right before the baptism & I could so see satan’s attempt to steal away my joy… ugh… so mad…

I still think he looks really dumb with it, but he’s 17 & one day he will grow up, have children (and probably no hair at all!)  and I will bring out these photos & we will all have a really good laugh!! 

Uhg.

Pam