I needed to hear it again…

…hear that song? 

There’s a time to live
And a time to die
There’s a time to laugh
And a time to cry
There’s a time for war
And a time for peace
There’s a hand to hold
In the worst of these

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can’t even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn’t kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby’s gone
And your house is still,
And your heart’s a stone
Cryin’ God, what’d You do that for
He is with you

There’s a time for yes
And a time for no
There’s a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this

 
He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don’t know you anymore
He is with you in the ICU
When the doctors don’t know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time
But joy will come in the morning
The morning light
He is with you when your kids are grown
When there’s too much space
And you feel alone
And you’re worried if you
got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you
when you’ve given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you

Mandisa, He is With You

In the past 4 weeks, I quite honestly have had more hard days than not.  I mean, really hard.  Abnormal hard.  Like, I don’t go looking for this “stuff” it just seems to find me…

I’ve shared some of it, and some I can’t. And some it just wouldn’t matter anymore at this point.

But, today, today was especially hard.  I got a call from Kiahna’s preschool to come and get her.  She was not being good at all.

I did.

Her behavior was disturbing to me.

I made her a counseling appointment.

That was disturbing.  I don’t think I could describe it to you if I wanted to, it’s so hard to understand.

She is going through something, and I don’t understand it.  I am scared when I see her act like this.  I fear something is really wrong with her.

I know I am not supposed to be afraid, but I am.

I am taking her for another counseling session tomorrow.

Please pray for her.  Please pray for me.  Please pray for our family.  Please pray for the counselor.  For wisdom.  Healing.  Hope.

I feel like I am about 80 years old tonight.  I need to remember , He is with Me…

Pam

Adoption Agency Horror

Last week, I had some horrific news brought to my attention about the adoption agency we used to adopt our daughter, Kiahna.

I am not really sure how to tactfully, gracefully, say this… the agency is closed.  Court ordered to be closed.  There are people who have been on waiting lists with this agency for years.  Money paid up front.  Gone.  No adoption.  None going to happen.

The couple who owned the company have gotten a divorce.  The husband is left with the agency. The wife is opening a new agency in a different state.  The husband is opening a new agency in Arkansas, saying he will honor contracts… but those who have the contracts have heard nothing.

Devastating.

Devastating for adoption.  Devastating for families waiting to adopt.  Devastating for birth moms.  Devastating for adopted children.

Let me also say, this agency was selling itself as a “Christian” agency. 

If you are interested in more specifics, because you are looking at adoption, you can e-mail me.  I would STRONGLY recommend before you go with any agency you check out that agency through Loving Shepherd.  One of Loving Shepherd's free services is to offer reports on agencies that they have researched.

To think how easily this could have been us that had lost our money, and never had the blessing of adopting… gut wrenching.  To think about those families who it is them… to think about the birth moms…

The birth moms were promised letters & pictures.  How will they get them now?  From what I am reading online many haven’t been getting them and are hurting so badly.

So, how does all this effect us now?

We don’t have any way at this point to send the promised pictures/letters to Kiahna’s birth mom.  Nor, do we have any way to receive them from her.

We have never received anything from her.  But, one of the things that has made me the sickest in this, is that there are reports that say there were many pictures/letter/packages found at the agency… undelivered.

Did “A” ever get anything we sent?  Did “A” try to send anything to Kiahna and it’s sitting in storage?

Sickening.

At this point I am giving this a little time.  There is a government agency trying to weed through the turmoil.  There are charges against this man.  There are more investigations against him.  There are people trying to get this national attention. 

I have some identifying information for Kiahna’s birth mom.  My best option is to try to contact her myself.  Search for a new mediation point for sending/receiving pictures and letters for us both.  

I know people deal with things differently.  Maybe “A” has never tried to contact us.  Maybe she is not interested in contact.  Maybe she is. 

Will she be offended if I send her a letter?  Will the letter get to her?  How will we set up contact then? 

In my heart I believe that it makes a much healthier adopted person, if they can hear from that person who gave them life. 

Jadon’s birth mom has sent some letters and pictures over the years.  This last week, with all this up in the air, he asked more questions.  I told him he could write to her sometime.  He did… he learned to write her name, and drew her a picture. 

It’s good.  It’s healthy.  It’s healing.

I want that for Kiahna too.  If “A” is willing…

Praying for much wisdom…

Pam

In a swirl of emotions

This morning my friend mommaof4wife2r @ A Thorn Among Roses, Twittered about this post...  I needed to hear this song this morning too…

This morning in my journal, I wrote that I hate admitting that I am still in this much pain over my divorce.  I hate admitting that I need more healing.  I hate admitting that this may be just as much about me getting to where God wants me as it is HSSH getting to where God wants him.

I’ve been meeting with a counselor once a week again.  I think in a way that frustrates me.  I want to be healed.  I don’t want to be here anymore.

… and this song just makes me cry… that’s where I am… and I know with all my heart… He is with me…

Pam

First Practice!! EVER!

First day…

First practice..

First of how many do you suppose???

He’s totally confused, and thinks he’s going to play in a game today.. wanted to know if I was going to “watch him” play!  I tried to explain, but he doesn't get it!  Hope he isn’t too disappointed when he realizes that there is work involved in playing ball!!

Off we go….

Pam

Menu Plan Monday

You didn’t think I would ever do a Menu Plan Monday again did you!!  It has been a long time since I posted one!  I have still been using the 5 menus I made up last fall… rotating them… getting bored with them! 

Yesterday when I pulled out my planner to take a look at our week… see what kind of meals I should think about… I’d already figured out last week that the ones I had on my list from this winter weren’t going to work for this schedule. 

Yeah.

After just sitting and staring at all the events we have this week… I started figuring out a game plan.

Deep breath people… were, I’m gonna need it…

Monday:  Leah has a track meet that starts at 4:30.  Jadon has practice for baseball (HIS FIRST ONE) until 6… I am guessing that the track meet will end (at least Leah’s involvement in it) by 6… Home in the crock pot, I plan to have, Beef Barley Soup. 

Tuesday:  James has a track meet that starts at 5.  His meet will go longer, and he is in events all through the meet.  Since this is one of the two home meets he has, and I have missed so many of his, I’d really like to stay the whole time.  So, I’ve decided to pack us a picnic dinner!  Turkey sandwiches, apples, cucumbers sliced, pretzels & drinks.  All packed away in my handy-dandy cooler bag I got at Old Navy!

Wednesday:  Zach has a game at 5:30.  Leah will be done with her play practice at 5:30.  I will pick up Leah and go to Zach’s game.  Zach will not want to eat until it’s over.  So, I have planned a meal we can eat at home, and is simple to take to Leah & Zach can warm up later… Hot Ham & Cheese Sandwiches, Macaroni & Cheese (for those of us who eat at home before we leave) grapes, carrots, chips & drinks.

Thursday:  A little more complicated… Leah has an away meet.  The parents take turns feeding the team after away meets.  It’s my turn.  So, I need to be there.  Her meet is at 4:30.  Zach has a baseball game.  Also, away it starts at 5:30.  I am thinking that someone can take Zach to this game, but I will have to pick him up and take him home.  So after the meet, we’ll head to the bb game… and we will eat fast food somewhere in between the two. 

Friday:  James has another track meet!  ;)  It’s the second home one, and it is a big invitational.  I’ve been asked to work at it.  Sometime that evening there is set up for the after-prom.  (parents do the after-prom).  We won’t be eating at home.  I am not sure if the little kids will be with grandma or if they will be with me.  Not sure if I will pack us something again, not sure if I will have the energy.  Yeah, so, we may very well eat out, or do the concession stand again that night.  And that’s okay with me.

Saturday:  PROM NIGHT!  I won’t have to go until very late to the after prom (then I will work there until 3 am!!!)  All of us but James will have dinner at home, grilled chicken, rice, green beans, muffins.

Sunday:  I had a menu planned for Sunday, but I am so tired after typing all this out, I think I will just go for frozen pizza on Sunday…  After getting little sleep on Saturday night, yeah, frozen pizza…

Aren’t you so glad I shared with you!!  ;)  Hoping that this will make my week just a tad less stressful!!  And allow me to be a tad more present mentally!!  And if it rains one night, and we get to stay home… bummer… guess we will have to figure out a plan B! 

Pam

Visit I'm an Organizing Junkie to read more menus, or to link up yourself!

YOUR Gonna Miss This…Moment… Week 31

If you follow my blog regularly, you know this week has been incredibly busy.  It’s been stressful, difficult, dramatic, & full of activity.

By Friday morning, I felt like I could barely breathe.  I was looking for ways to cut things out of my schedule, and was coming up empty handed.

I want to do the things I am doing.  I know there is a constant need for balance.  I know I am not Super-Mom.  Nor can I be Mom & Dad.

I think I hear the comment, “I don’t know how you do it”, once a day.  The truth is… I don’t either.  I don’t feel like I do it very well some days. 

It is a continued challenge for me to be fully present in the moment.  To be choosing the activities that I go to.  To get my kids to and from the activities they go to.  All without losing my mind.  (so glad I have my parents & my sister to help in this!!!!)

All that being said, let me review the week in pictures… This is the busiest time I think we have ever had… and if I am not aware, I’ll be physically there, but still miss it…

Kiahna got a new bike!  She tells everyone she sees!  She is doing so well at riding it, and we even took a trip to the state park, took our bikes, and she was amazing for a new rider!!  She cut her toe on it this week though, it is a bad cut on her little toe… lots of blood one day this week while I was trying to get out the door for a track meet.

Jadon & Kiahna got into the mud, multiple times this week.  Ready for things to dry up a little around here… (so are the farmers).  Jadon threw mud at Kiahna getting it in her hair, ears, uhg!  Of course, he did it because, “she threw it at me first!”

 

Jadon went to kindergarten screening this week.  It went really well, and we are both very excited about him being in all day kindergarten this fall! 

Lucas had a 4th grade Indiana History program this week…

I finally got to see Leah run & long jump this week!! Isn’t she cute!!  I love the tongue out!

 

Zach had a practice baseball game last night.  Such a beautiful evening to be out at the ball diamonds!  He also was voted in for class president of next year’s freshmen class!  That’s fun (or maybe funny!)  He had a friend over last weekend, and they worked all day on Saturday for Grandpa, then they took the 4 wheelers through the mud…

 

James has been really excited about his college visit last week.  Lots of activity going on mentally with him.  Prom & SAT’s are this coming weekend… and more track meets…needing to keep up his grades…

He was really hoping for a first place in the 110 hurdles this week… he had a better “best” time than the other kid.  He hit 4 hurdles and really banged up his knee, so it didn’t happen. 

So, yeah… don’t know how I am doing this… Grace of God… Help of family… and friends… prayers… with any luck… I won’t miss it.

Pam

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Turn it around God…

At this point in time I have about 5 different posts on 5 different topics floating around in my mind.  Banging to get out… maybe that is why I have such a headache this afternoon?

You know that Bible Verse about casting your cares upon the Lord, how does it go??

“Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you; 
he will never let the righteous fall.”

Psalm 55:22

Sometimes I feel like my “casting” is on a retractable pole… and it just keeps coming back in my lap. 

I’ve tried visualizing my burden as “putting it on the shelf”.  Letting God deal with it…

And then something happens and “it” comes back and I have to physically deal with “it”.  And in my mind I think… Or scream… I GAVE THIS TO YOU TO TAKE CARE OF, WHY DOES IT KEEP NEEDING TO BE ME THAT PHYSICALLY DEALS WITH IT!?! 

Does anyone know what I mean?

It’s like, I want to let you, God, deal with this person, who I know I can’t change.  Who I have made myself crazy trying to change.  Who is far beyond anywhere I ever thought they would be.  And instead of just removing that person from our lives, that person just keeps showing up!!

I want to say to God.  You wanted me to give them to You, so why don’t you just keep them!!!  Stop bringing them around me!! 

I so wish this is how it worked.

Anyone else?

So, James, my almost 18-year-old oldest child.  Has a heart for his dad.  Says to me, “when adults aren’t acting like adults, sometimes the kids have to step up and act like the adult”

Yeah, sure whatever. 

I’m steaming.  I am thinking how wrong this all is.  WHY does my 17 year old son act more mature than his 38 year old father?  WHY is my 17 year old son making efforts that his father is not willing to make?  WHY does this make me so darn livid?  WHY doesn’t HSSH just stay up there on that shelf I keep putting him on and get better before he has to be part of my kids lives????

WHY?????

I don’t know why.  Just like I don’t know why every blessed time I turn my back my 2 youngest children run for the nearest mud pit and cover themselves…

(this was yesterday’s mud mess)

So, when James called HSSH earlier this week, and told me about the conversation, I was upset.  I told some friends about the conversation, and they were upset… in fact one of them mentioned Psalm 37 to me… and that chapter brought me up for air.

I DONT WANT HSSH TO BE SEEN BY GOD AS “THE WICKED!”  I don’t want it.  I’ve struggled with portions of the Bible for years when it comes to verses that speak like Psalm 37 does.  Where does someone who has made the choices my ex-husband has made fall?  I hope he doesn’t fall there… but I don’t know.

Yesterday, while listening to Beth Moore speak in the 7th session of the Esther study… she spoke right to that… she was talking about Esther in 8:1 where it says…

“That same day King Xerxes gave Queen Esther the estate of Haman, the enemy of the Jews. And Mordecai came into the presence of the king, for Esther had told how he was related to her.”

Beth said that many commentaries take that portion where it says, “how he was related to her”. And ponder if it was not more than just “he’s my uncle” but more like “this is what he means to me”.

Beth talked of her brother, and said, “Don’t you have someone we want so much to be in the presence of the King one day?  But, they want nothing to do with Jesus at this point.”

My mind went directly to HSSH and the feelings, emotions, anger I have been having… I am so full of anger towards him at times I feel I could explode, and yet… when the smoke clears, he still means so much to me, that I don’t want to see anything but God’s best for him…

More from Beth…

“You just go to God and say, ‘This is what he means to me.’  Perhaps God esteems that.  I want him in Heaven!  I need You to change his heart.  I need You to change his want to.”

If I bare my heart.. that is what I want… I don’t want to be angry… I don’t want to be frustrated… I don’t want to be bitter, or weary, or overwhelmed…

A friend sent me a link to listen to an online sermon this week, she called it a “tall glass of cool water for a weary soul”.  Amen… that would be me…

Pastor Steven Furtick was speaking “on keeping your God sized vision when there is no sign of it happening anytime soon. Pastor Steven is a dynamic pastor with a passion for impacting a generation. It’s definitely a message you won’t want to miss."

I heard him say this morning “God is faithful in the process.  Don’t forfeit the payoff & forget the promise, because you faint in the process”

That’s me… “fainting in the process”…

Then he started talking about his dad.  How his dad’s dad committed suicide when his dad was 9.  And his dad was on a course to chemical dependency that would take him well into adulthood.  How Steven became a Christian at 16 and wanted so much for his dad to find Jesus to.

How one day when Steven was preaching his dad was there, answered the alter call, and became a Christian.

Later, he asked his dad what he said that day that finally got through to him.

His dad said, it wasn’t anything you said that day.  It was from a day long ago, where we were having an argument.  I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, and we were arguing. 

After the argument, you came to me and said that you were sorry. That you were working on this whole honoring your parents thing, and this argument was not honoring.

When you walked away, I knew I wanted what you had.

My mind went to James and his attempts with his dad…

My mother heart wants to stand in the way and protect James from HSSH’s incredibly twisted thinking.  I want to fix every wrong accusation, because I fear James choosing HSSH over me, or being deceived, or drawn in to HSSH’s delusions.

I don’t think that God wants me trying to protect James at this point.  Not like James would allow it anyway.  James told me this morning that he is going to call his dad once a week.

My first reaction is to be very angry.  Because HSSH should be the one calling him once a week. 

My second reaction is that I have to let this go.  Let this happen.

Some people say, “James will just have to see for himself”.

I am not happy with that.

I don’t want James to see his dad like I have been seeing him.  I want HSSH to be healed and then come into his children’s lives. 

But, I am not the one in control. 

Another quote from Steven Furtick this morning… “you keep faithfully doing what you do with integrity, and I promise you that God will cause Ephesians 3:20 to become reality in your life…

Ephesians 3:20… you mean that verse that has been coming to my mind when I think and pray for James for the past week…

…yeah… that one…

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Pam

The 3 minute blog post…

I need to leave in 3 minutes!!  If you are following me on twitter that is the very best way to keep up with me at this point!  To say we are busy is the understatement of the year! 

In fact last night I sat and soaked in the tub, thinking of some things that I need to cut from our schedule… some things that I don’t particularly want to cut, but I feel I am going to have to…

This morning Jadon had kindergarten screening!  That went good.

I went to listen to week 7 of Beth Moore’s Esther Study.  I hope i get time to tell you how it spoke to me!

We had more drama around here on Monday and Tuesday that have taken some time to process. I have another counseling appointment in the morning!

I finally got to see Leah run last night!  And jump in the long jump!  She did her best!  And she sure is cute!!  :)

James is running again tonight!  I am planning to run over to the school he is running at and watch. staying only for his 110 event (his favorite) and then off to the next event.

Lucas and his 4th grade class have and Indiana History program at the school tonight.

I am over by a minute!  And I am headed out to pick up a babysitter and get a massage!!

Miss being here, I am miss reading your blogs… If I only had a lap top!!  LOL!!  I do have Twitter on my cell phone though!!!

Pam

Orange for Stellan

This morning, sweet, little, 5 month old Stellan is having surgery…today we are wearing orange all around the world to show our prayerful support of this family…read all about it on MckMama’s Blog.

Pam

I Heart Faces: Self Portrait

This week’s theme at I Heart Faces is a self portrait.  You have to hold the camera and take the shot yourself!  No tripods allowed!  The children’s contest is you with a child!  I have been saving this one from Florida, I saw this contest was coming up!  Kiahna and I in Florida!  My entry in the kids contest…

 

There is always a second contest, and I normally don’t have many adult pictures to enter!  Go figure!!  This was simple though, I had to just had to take a picture of myself!  How easy is that!!  I debated about entering, I showed James and Zach and they thought this was a good one!  Try not to laugh, too much, okay! 

That’s laundry I am laying in… nothing more needs to be said…

Fun!

Pam

Lord, bring clarity to my mind…

I sit here with the now familiar tingle that I get when I know that I must put words to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths, lies, and experiences that have been going on behind the blog this week…

You may have wondered what was happening for real, if you read my post on Thursday…. or if you read my Twitters, you knew some things were going on and I was dealing with them…

What happened to make me feel shattered again?  What was that letter I twittered about from HSSH?  How did I really feel about James first college visit?  What about the counseling this week? 

I sit here on Sunday morning in awe that so much went on this week.  That my emotions were all over the place.  That God brought me so much healing.  And that the pain of watching someone fall so far still goes on…

Rewinding back to the beginning of the week…Easter Sunday, HSSH called our house and left a message while we were in church.  There was not a doubt, and know one had to be told, that he had called at a time when he knew that no one would be home.  We go to the same church, with the same hours, that we went to all the years he lived with us as our husband and father… no one said anything about calling him back, and we moved on…

On Tuesday, James called his dad to invite him to a track meet.  Because James knows that if the sporting event is close to his dad’s house, at a certain school, his dad will come.  James told me after the call was made that he had made it. 

He also told me that HSSH had written a letter to his 6 kids.

I try really hard not to say anything that is bad mouthing or that I wouldn’t want HSSH to read if he ever found my blog, or read it one day… I don’t think that there would be any argument in his mind (today there would be, but not if he ever reads this with a healed mind) that HSSH is still falling, falling, falling… and with that the things that He does that are painful to watch, and effect us, just keep coming.

The letter came on Wednesday.  I opened it.  Planning to take it with me to counseling the next day, and ask for advice on how to handle it.  The letter was no surprise to me.  I had heard him say everything that the letter said before.  But, this time I am supposed to let my kids read it? 

See, when someone is falling they will find anyone to blame for the direction they are going, as long as it is not themselves.  And if it has to become a situation that the blame falls on innocent children… then that falling person ignorantly, blindly, desperately lets that happen.

So, I have this letter.  I am appalled.  I am stressing.  I am questioning.  I am screaming… remember the "shattered" post.  That is then.

James, on the other hand, is not home. School to track meet.  James starts texting me from the track meet.  Telling me about his time in the 110 hurdles, where he cut a whole second from his time, and only  missed 1st place by .2 seconds (don’t miss that decimal point!)

My inquiring mind of course wanted to know if his dad showed up.  He had. 

I told James I was glad for him that his dad came.  I also told James that the letter that his dad had told him about had come in the mail.

James said, “do me a favor and throw it away”

What?

My first reaction was, NO WAY!  You are not going to be ignorant of this man’s doings if you are going to invite him to be a part of your life! 

My second reaction was relief.  Well, if James wants it thrown away then I guess I won’t have to show it to the rest of the kids will I?

Suddenly, I could see it.  The hand of God.  The reality that even when I didn’t feel Him.  When I was kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum very parallel in thought if not in action to my daughters the week before, God DID have things under control.  He knew how He would protect my kids.

By the time James got home I was completely in agreement with the “throw it away” plan.  But, I knew that if it happened, James had to be the one to do it, and not me.  I told him so, and he walked to the trash can and threw it in.

Again, my 17 year old is showing more maturity than his 38 year old father. 

Peace.

Another storm calmed.

The next day when I went to counseling, she was in full agreement with how things had been handled with the letter. 

James had even told me that HSSH had said he was “feeling dumb” about the letter since James called him before James even read it…

YA THINK!!

Grrrrrrr

In watching the video study of Esther, Thursday morning, I felt God’s voice speaking to me once again.  This was session six.  Beth was calling the events that were happening in the sixth chapter of Esther a “reversal of destiny”.

“A reversal of destiny:  However it appears the events are going.  God picks it up turns it around, and you have to say ‘That has to be God’”

Where I see us with this whole journey is at a place like that.  Somehow God is going to have to create some event in HSSH’s life that is going to literally pick him up, turn him around 180 degrees and set him on a different course.  I confess, I don’t see it happening any other way.  I also confess, I doubt it ever happening.  I guess that is why Beth says “you will have to say ‘That has to be God.’”

Yesterday, I received in the mail another blow.  This time from the prosecuting attorney’s office.  A year of unemployment for HSSH is up, and it seems until he finds employment we won’t be getting any child support.

That is really hard to stomach. 

There is so much room for bitterness and anger with just this topic alone.

God has been so good to provide for us in all ways.  The church HE has us in sees us, and they give to us more than we could ever deserve.  God knows.  God provides.  God will not leave us.

While the temptation to verbally drive HSSH into the ground for the past weeks’ events is huge… please don’t go there.  It helps no one.  Especially not us.

I confess that I don’t understand the why’s of all of this.  But, I do feel God’s presence and know that in Him, all things will work together for good.  Even when we can’t see.  I know, because going on 4 years now, He has never once let me down.

MckMama wrote a post yesterday called Transparency.  I can relate so well to her words, regardless of our very differing circumstances.  Hoping that you can relate to my words regardless of our different paths.

“He wants me, and my life, and this blog, to bring Him glory.” –MckMama

I pray that as you read this today, it brings God glory for being the ONE who is ABLE to bring us through hard, long, unfair, unimaginable, circumstances.  That is the purpose. 

GLORY TO GOD!!

Pam

You’re Gonna Miss This… Moment… Week 30… Preschool to college in 12 hours or less…

Sigh… when I signed up to be a mom of these kids they were all so little and sweet and non-threatening like… now they are getting so big!!  I’m learning to be ready… I am dealing with my stuff… lots going on in my mind…

Last night, Jadon and I went to Western Night at his preschool!

We had some rip-roaring-howdy-dudie fun!  Riding stick horses, playing bean bag toss, lassoing bouncy ponies, playing the hokey pokey and doing the chicken dance!  Can’t forget a snack with horse cupcakes!  What fun!!

This morning we got up and left home at 6:30 am, James, My Dad, and I, and went on a college visit to Anderson University.

Tonight, I get to go with Jadon again, this time to a party with his Sunday School.

I think I have whip-lash!

Preschool is so simple… I remember when James was there… sigh… yesterday… ;)

I feel like a yo-yo trying to make sense of kindergarten round up and financial aid packets!

I am sure we will survive.. it will be an adventure… never a dull moment… plenty of mud… and I know I sure wouldn’t want to miss it!!  I should write a blog about that… oh yes. I do!!  :)

Pam

Read More about participating in this carnival here.  Can’t wait to see what you all write!  Don’t forget to leave comments, link up, and go see all the others!!

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Who Me? “Shattered”?

A couple of days ago I read a post by a fellow divorced-single mom-walking with God through the pain, Linda…

“Mostly, it feels pretty whole. But, there are days and moments when it feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces. I trust that God knows where each of the fragments belong, and that His hands won't get all tied up in super glue. I wonder, if He, too, puts the big pieces together first, and then comes back for the detail work.”

I was moved to tears by her words, because I get it.  I feel that way sometimes too.  In fact I was feeling that way then.

Not only that, I also feel like I am this stubborn, rebellious, angry, impatient child… and as He puts the fragmented pieces of my life back together, sometimes I just look at Him with frustration, grab all my pieces in haste, look at Him with this nasty expression… you know the one…

And I want to scream!!!!!  YOU ARE TOO SLOW!!!  I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!  THAT HURTS, DO YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!!  I DON’T LIKE THIS!!!  IT’S TAKING TOO LONG!!!  AHHHHHH!!!!!  I want to kick. Scream. Hit. Make it all about me.

Maybe that is why I have the children I do.

I have so much to learn.

So as He holds on to me, while I kick, scream, flail, and would fall out of the grocery cart if not for His hands gently holding on to me.  All the while thinking that what I am so upset about is so huge, He sees the bigger picture.  He had control all the time.  All I could see is that I wanted to be out of the grocery cart, or maybe that was Kiahna at Wal-Mart last week, I am so confused now.

“ for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.”

--Psalm 103:14

Pam

Teeth * Treats * Tuesday

Thanks for the prayers yesterday… Kiahna’s trip to the pediatric dentist for what ended up being 2 sliver teeth, one root canal & one partial root canal…

She did very well, from what I know… I was not allowed in with her.The Dr told me that she tried to tell him how to do things, and he told her that this was “his house” and they will do things “his way”.  She told my mom this morning, “I told the doctor to stop!” (she keeps trying to get someone to be on her side and say that all these people who won’t allow her to take over the world are wrong!)… we just bet you told him Kiahna… we just bet…

Check out that swollen lip…

This morning it is white inside the lip and a painful looking sore is there.  She is not complaining at all though, I have Tylenol with codeine for her, but she is acting fine today.

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I have some fun pictures for you from Easter Sunday at my parents… hunting for Eggs with treats inside… I’ll add a quick update with each picture…

Jadon’s been doing pretty well!  I had a conference with one of his preschool teachers and she doesn’t feel he needs to be medicated for any bad behaviors in school.  I was thankful for that.  He did get his only negative mark on her report for “keeping your hands to yourself”.  No surprise there.  Something we must continually work on.  His T-ball coach called to tell us his first practice is next Monday!

You got the update on her teeth… preschool has been quiet, as in, they don't say much at pick up or delivery… just that they feel they are making progress.   Things have been pretty quiet with her behaviors lately, I am hopeful we are going in the right direction, but get frustrated pretty fast sometimes.  She seems to have had a revelation of “having Jesus in her Heart” since her last counseling appointment.  She is telling people that Jesus came and lives in her heart now… believing this to be some sort of turning point for her… waiting to see.

Lucas & his cousins were climbing that tree to see who’s egg was all the way up there!!  He’s lost two teeth in the past week!  My sister says she doesn’t agree with my saying that Lucas is my quiet one, she says her house is much louder when he is over!  (perhaps it is all relative??)  Lucas began his little league practices last week, and has had 3 rained out practices since that first one!

Leah was one of the egg hiders this Easter, when I found her to take a picture her and G-Pa  were enjoying their goodies already!  Leah had her first track meet last Saturday, I didn’t travel to watch her do the long jump… I hope to see her participate soon, but we had a rained out meet last night and tonight’s looks like it may be rained out too.

Can you just see that orneriness in this kid!?  Zach and I seem to be in a season where we are butting heads quite a bit.  He wants to be grown up and I want him to still be 14… He’s a great kid, he just needs a very tight leash.  And I need to have perspective and wisdom.  Seems like it happens so much quicker with the second one… uhg.  He’s playing baseball (when it isn’t raining) and is liking it.  But, he is also liking telling everyone how his mom is “making” him play baseball and he really wants to run track… whatever.  urg.

Things have been going pretty well with James lately.  In the last quarter of his junior year, so senior year and college are on our minds, along with the current activities, track, prom, girlfriend, passing Spanish… he got fitted for his first tux yesterday, his girlfriend, Alisen, went along. (same girl he was dating earlier)  Prom is May 2, so are the SAT’s.

As of this morning it seems we are taking a visit to Anderson University on Friday!  This is a college I would personally LOVE to see James go to.  It is a Christian school, about an hour from home, and one that is small enough he may even get a chance to be involved in some sports there.  His Uncle Ben, and our new head football coach both played football for Anderson. While much will be based on how this coming season goes for James, it is not a dream that is outside of his grasp… so I need to pinch myself to wake up the reality that one of my children is going to be flying from the nest one day soon… and again be praying for God to show us the way.

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Each Tuesday the Riggs Family Blog hosts Laughter Lives Tuesday. This week they are asking to hear about April Fools jokes, I don’t have any of those but I did save some funny things that the kids said lately just for this…

Yesterday, Kiahna was sitting in her car seat and we were driving home from her appointment… she told me “I don’t want these teeth!”  then she asked, “who gave me these teeth?”  (I’d bet she doesn't realize her real teeth are still there under the silver caps).

My mom sent a bag of old pictures home with me on Sunday.  One of the kids were looking through them.  Jadon bounced up and said… “Oh look, Zachery is wearing girl clothes!”

Poor Zachery!  :)

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Well, life around here will be in hyper drive as soon as the rain stops.  Last night there would have been practice for 3 kids and a meet for one, the rain put an end to all of that.  Tonight it is supposed to be raining too.  Two meets, 2 practices. Waiting to see if they will be canceled or if we will be enduring cold rain… If you don’t hear from me again until sometime in the middle of June… you will know I decided to put up a tent in the outfield…

Pam

I Heart Faces: Easter/Spring

This week I Heart Faces is hosting an armature contest!  The theme is Easter/Spring.  Here is my entry…

Enter the contest yourself each week at I Heart Faces!

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My sweet (sometimes) girly up there smelling that beautiful Easter Lily is having a root canal done today at 12:30… if you could whisper a prayer… thanks.

Pam

Happy Easter!

Hope you are all having a wonderful blessed day!!  Thinking about the amazing resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! 

Our family spent the day at church and will be leaving for dinner and evening at my parents house…

Pam

YOUR Gonna Miss This…Moment… Week 29

Whew… what a week.  So full of moments, I don’t  know how to narrow it down! 

James had his first track meet of the season. Lucas had his first baseball practice of the season. I had a shopping day with Leah.  James cleaned my house & had friends over.  Kiahna & Jadon said silly things & got into mud again. Zach, oh he is the one who confiscates my cell phone to text his new girlfriend every time I am around. I had a good counseling session & wonderful Massage.

Biggest in my mind are the most recent.  The kids were off of school yesterday for Good Friday (and they are off Monday for a teacher in-service)  Leah was in desperate need of a shopping spree where we got her some personal items… her and I had a wonderful day together, just the two of us.  My mom, dad, & sister had the other kids, I didn’t worry about them at all. 

Back in January, on Leah’s birthday, she had wanted to go to TGI Friday’s for dinner.  The weather ended up being too bad to drive that far, so we settled for a local place with the hope of making it to Friday’s sometime soon.  Better late than never!  We had lunch at Fridays, hit the mall, Kohl’s a couple times, Old Navy (where I found this really great bag that has a cooler lining in it!!  Last baseball season I always had a wet bag from cold drinks!  NOT THIS YEAR!!!)  Definitely a day to treasure!

We came home to a wonderfully clean house!  James had been given permission to invite over some friends.  He cleaned (with some of my mom’s help) the house from top to bottom!  I don’t have it in me in this season to EVER have my house clean from top to bottom!  EVER!  (of course I found the things that were on the bathroom counter stuffed in the hall closet) But, it is so nice!  I think 7 kids showed up, including James’ girl friend, Alisen.  They are back together again.  The evening went well.  Good kids!

After I had my younger kids in bed, I was sitting up reading (I had to make myself some coffee I felt like going to sleep at 7:30 myself!)  I was thinking about the counseling session I had this week.  Interestingly, she brought up the concept of being fully present in the moment.  (I thought of this blog & this carnival!)  I know that this is what God wants for me, I know that this is what I want for me.  Worry, fear, & sadness about what isn’t, take that away from me over and over and over again.  I must continue to make the conscious choice to be mentally there.

Don't cry because its over, Smile because it happened!
Dr. Seuss

Pam

 

How are you doing?

At the end of last week, a long time friend responded to an e-mail I had sent about the kids asking how I am doing…

You would not believe my response…

How am I doing?

I have no idea how I am doing.

How AM I doing?

God?  How am I doing?

I am humbled and horrified at the answer that has come from asking that question.  I am horrified because I can tend to believe that I have things all under control, I am humbled because I don’t.

I’d been feeling like I was arguing with God over the issue of fasting.  I would go to make my coffee in the morning and hear, “you really should be fasting that today”… most of the time I’d ignore it.  Then I would feel guilty about it.

But, I would say to God, if you want me fasting, please show me in a way other than just convicting me when I go for that sweet cup that comforts me so much.  He didn’t.

I found myself dealing with thoughts of failure.  Thoughts of not praying enough.  Not fasting enough.  Never seeing my prayers answered in my lifetime because I couldn’t be enough.

The last phone conversation I had had with HSSH had left me discouraged.  It had been so hard to hear his angry words again.  I read a great book by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs,  I Do Again… I loved the book and found much encouragement… but still heard that voice telling me that our circumstances are so much worse and so much more impossible than theirs were…

But, my life is busy enough that I didn’t even realize most of this until someone asked me this question of how I am doing… and then it took some time.

On Saturday I took a drive into town, alone, no phone, no radio.  Me & God… I asked Him how I was doing and I felt like the answer was “You aren’t resting… What I have promised in HSSH will be done.  You are to rest”.

Oh yeah, I thought… but maybe that is just me thinking that and not really God… God will you show me if this is You?

I mentioned to a couple people over the weekend that I wished that if God was really going to restore HSSH that HE would just do it and let me alone about it all for now.

My head is thick.

Beth Moore… She’s been speaking to me for weeks now in the study of Esther… I couldn’t hear much of what God was trying to say.  I would think, “yeah, I’ve felt that”.  But, didn’t see that I had begun feeling and doing it again.

Monday was the day that God finally opened my eyes…

I had taken Kiahna and Jadon to preschool.  I was behind in my schedule, and didn’t get done at Walmart before I had to go pick them up.  So, I checked out with the things I had, and just told myself that I’d go back after I picked them up. I didn’t have that much more to get, and it would just be fine.

It started out fine.  Then Kiahna threw a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE temper tantrum.  I bucked through it, refusing to let her “win”.  Thinking the whole time that she was not going to control the world like this.  I mean she was acting like a one year old… it was horrific.  People were staring.  Bad.  Her shoes and coat were flying… get the picture?

I held it together until we got in the van and started home.  She had finally stopped.  I called my parents to take Kiahna for awhile so I could get a break (read: before I did something I’d regret forever) (thank GOD I hadn’t already)

I called our counseling office for an appointment. 

We got into counseling that afternoon.  Kiahna & I both went.  It ended up being a tiny bit of time praying & talking with Kiahna, & a whole lot of time talking & praying about me.

This is when my eyes opened up again to the control I had tried to take over the circumstances I am living in. This is when I realized I was so frustrated with God’s slowness.  I was spinning all these plates, not knowing how to make it stop…

Beth put in this way… and I had heard it on Thursday, but didn’t hear it til Monday…

“The stronger I feel about something the more I want to see it happen.  And when I don’t see God moving, I want to step in and volunteer to help” 

Maybe it was this one too…

"We lose our strength when we wait on the event, on the person, on the thing.  But, if you’re waiting on the Lord you’ll renew your strength. If all we are doing is waiting on the thing were depleted day after day.”  --Beth Moore, Esther, Video 5

Humbled to know that I had lost all focus… was trying to DO enough myself to somehow produce a miracle in HSSH’s life… I was being told NOT BY GOD to fast more, pray more, be more… because I wouldn’t get a miracle until I did…

How sweet freedom tastes again… How sweet my coffee tastes again… knowing I am to rest.  God is doing a good work.  I am to wait for it…

Interesting that the continuing topic in the Esther study is… “It’s though being a woman who can balance patience with passion”

Pam

Last night in Florida Tradition

  It is our family tradition to take family pictures on the beach the last sunset we are there… It was a cloudy evening and the sunset was not beautiful but very cooperative for photos!  These are some of the ones that I took that night.  Most are above in the collage I created, I know it is too small to really see well, I’ll share them with you again here, but I wanted you to see the collage!  I just started using a free program called Picasa.  I like how quick and easy it is.  AND THAT IT IS FREE!  I like that it keeps my picture quality & I don’t lose pixel’s like I do with some free programs.

My parents…Alan & Sheryl

My Sister Lana & her family… Colton, Sammy, Ben, Koty, Lana, & Hallie…

Lana & Ben…

The whole crew…

James…

Zach…

Leah…

Lucas…

Out-takes of goofy boy… I mean Jadon…

Kiahna…

James friend, Aaron…

More random shots from that last evening…

 

Lana & Hallie…

 

Can you hear them telling him to stop it!?

There are still so many more great pictures so share!  maybe they will show up over time here on my blog, but for now it is time to move on i suppose!!  Just a few more as we say goodbye to our trip…

 Pam