How are you doing?

At the end of last week, a long time friend responded to an e-mail I had sent about the kids asking how I am doing…

You would not believe my response…

How am I doing?

I have no idea how I am doing.

How AM I doing?

God?  How am I doing?

I am humbled and horrified at the answer that has come from asking that question.  I am horrified because I can tend to believe that I have things all under control, I am humbled because I don’t.

I’d been feeling like I was arguing with God over the issue of fasting.  I would go to make my coffee in the morning and hear, “you really should be fasting that today”… most of the time I’d ignore it.  Then I would feel guilty about it.

But, I would say to God, if you want me fasting, please show me in a way other than just convicting me when I go for that sweet cup that comforts me so much.  He didn’t.

I found myself dealing with thoughts of failure.  Thoughts of not praying enough.  Not fasting enough.  Never seeing my prayers answered in my lifetime because I couldn’t be enough.

The last phone conversation I had had with HSSH had left me discouraged.  It had been so hard to hear his angry words again.  I read a great book by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs,  I Do Again… I loved the book and found much encouragement… but still heard that voice telling me that our circumstances are so much worse and so much more impossible than theirs were…

But, my life is busy enough that I didn’t even realize most of this until someone asked me this question of how I am doing… and then it took some time.

On Saturday I took a drive into town, alone, no phone, no radio.  Me & God… I asked Him how I was doing and I felt like the answer was “You aren’t resting… What I have promised in HSSH will be done.  You are to rest”.

Oh yeah, I thought… but maybe that is just me thinking that and not really God… God will you show me if this is You?

I mentioned to a couple people over the weekend that I wished that if God was really going to restore HSSH that HE would just do it and let me alone about it all for now.

My head is thick.

Beth Moore… She’s been speaking to me for weeks now in the study of Esther… I couldn’t hear much of what God was trying to say.  I would think, “yeah, I’ve felt that”.  But, didn’t see that I had begun feeling and doing it again.

Monday was the day that God finally opened my eyes…

I had taken Kiahna and Jadon to preschool.  I was behind in my schedule, and didn’t get done at Walmart before I had to go pick them up.  So, I checked out with the things I had, and just told myself that I’d go back after I picked them up. I didn’t have that much more to get, and it would just be fine.

It started out fine.  Then Kiahna threw a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE temper tantrum.  I bucked through it, refusing to let her “win”.  Thinking the whole time that she was not going to control the world like this.  I mean she was acting like a one year old… it was horrific.  People were staring.  Bad.  Her shoes and coat were flying… get the picture?

I held it together until we got in the van and started home.  She had finally stopped.  I called my parents to take Kiahna for awhile so I could get a break (read: before I did something I’d regret forever) (thank GOD I hadn’t already)

I called our counseling office for an appointment. 

We got into counseling that afternoon.  Kiahna & I both went.  It ended up being a tiny bit of time praying & talking with Kiahna, & a whole lot of time talking & praying about me.

This is when my eyes opened up again to the control I had tried to take over the circumstances I am living in. This is when I realized I was so frustrated with God’s slowness.  I was spinning all these plates, not knowing how to make it stop…

Beth put in this way… and I had heard it on Thursday, but didn’t hear it til Monday…

“The stronger I feel about something the more I want to see it happen.  And when I don’t see God moving, I want to step in and volunteer to help” 

Maybe it was this one too…

"We lose our strength when we wait on the event, on the person, on the thing.  But, if you’re waiting on the Lord you’ll renew your strength. If all we are doing is waiting on the thing were depleted day after day.”  --Beth Moore, Esther, Video 5

Humbled to know that I had lost all focus… was trying to DO enough myself to somehow produce a miracle in HSSH’s life… I was being told NOT BY GOD to fast more, pray more, be more… because I wouldn’t get a miracle until I did…

How sweet freedom tastes again… How sweet my coffee tastes again… knowing I am to rest.  God is doing a good work.  I am to wait for it…

Interesting that the continuing topic in the Esther study is… “It’s though being a woman who can balance patience with passion”

Pam