This morning’s newsfeed…

Deep sigh…

This morning an article showed up in my newsfeed How to stay sane & survive fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.  Wow, who came in to my house & read my mind & wrote this article? 

Some of the challenges in dealing with the severe meltdowns that we have here center around #1 my fear of her hurting someone else or herself so I step in & intervene & things escalate.

#2 when the meltdowns, poor behavior, language happen around other people who then in turn will either try to “help” me with her or I begin to feel like I should be doing something more or different than what I am to make sure that this behavior stops.

Did this  yesterday.  Twice. Family vacation is ahead, I know it’s going to be difficult. 

When you look at Kiahna without much knowledge of FASD, Autism, SPD or ADHD… all you can see is a spoiled, mouthy brat.  She should be “disciplined” she “shouldn’t be getting away with this” she “is a product of being raised by a single mom” she “just needs a good strong father figure to discipline her” she “needs a spanking”…

Well, some days I fall into that line of thinking.  Those are the really bad days.  The days that nothing gets better & things just get worse & worse.

Understanding that there is a disconnect between “cause” & “effect”… that the same lessons must be learned over & over & over again.  That the level of maturity of her brain is not that of someone who is almost 8, but more in line of her 3 year old cousin.

If you didn’t link over to the article I mentioned in the beginning, here is a photo from that article, that maybe you have or haven’t seen…

Absolutely heart breaking.

I like how Jeff says he has a copy of this photo in his wallet to take out & look at to remind him.

Part of me really still struggles to believe that my beautiful little girl really has this kind of life long disability.

But her growing behavior issues…okay, maybe they aren’t really growing, but maybe the fact that she is growing & the behaviors are just looking more & more awkward because the “average 8  year old” would not act that way.

I really have no idea what I am doing or how we are going to get through this.  I can’t tell you how.

Our needs are much prayer support.  Physical support if it can be done with a knowledge of FAS & it’s buddies.  Emotional support.  Respite.  Education for all of us.  Wisdom.  Protection for all of us. And more prayer.

Pam

Some of my thoughts today…

I think most of my readers know that I have 2 adopted children.  My youngest 2.

They are challenging.

They challenge everything I knew about raising kids. 

Yesterday, I wrote that post pouring my heart out about my fears & frustrations… And I’d love to say… “you know what we had a really good day yesterday, I poured out my frustrations to the Lord, He took my burden & everyone was happy.”

Nope.

We spent almost 2 hours at the pediatricians office doing check ups on how things are going.

It struck me, and the doctor confirmed, that perhaps part of my own issues this week is the shot I got on Monday for my poison ivy.  EVERYTHING is making me cry.

I was starting to feel like I was really in trouble mentally, I don’t believe I have ever been “depressed” & I know that depression is a very real thing, the way this shot made me react to things was not the way I normally react.

Realizing that eased my mind that maybe I was going to get over this constant crying, and I did go buy some vitamins to help with stress, decided to wait & see if I calm down, and today I am better.

Poison Ivy is better too.

But, I was a mess in the doctor’s office and because of my “mess” which even though she had already told me was because of the medications, she still told me some things and prescribed some things that really don’t make a lot of sense to me at this point.

I left discouraged & frustrated.

I met a lady who lives in this area & has a child who’s behaviors are like Jadon’s, & talked to her a couple days ago.  She told me of a specialist that her doctor had sent them to, and that this set them on a trail to find some answers, solutions, tools.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT!!!  TOOLS!!  HOPE!!! ANSWERS!!!  HELP!!!  RESOURCES!!!  TESTS!!!!  SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING BESIDES GIVE ME ANOTHER MEDICATION TO TRY TO SEE IF IT HELPS!!!!!!

I am sorry.  I am angry.

The doctor gave Kiahna a referral to the place I asked for & said she didn’t think that place would help Jadon.

Instead recommended a physiatrist.  Mentioned some mental illness that I don’t even want to talk about.

I HATE when people throw around SERIOUS conditions without PROOF OR TESTS TO PROVE THAT THIS COULD EVEN BE A REMOTE POSSIBLITY!!!!  These conditions and the people that deal with them are nothing to mess around with, nothing to throw around lightly.

I am sure that this dr is not trying to be that way, she wants to help… but sometimes the biggest help comes from admitting you don’t know the answer and referring to someplace that might!!!  SOMETIMES!!!

PLEASE don’t throw around MAYBES or COULD BE & please don’t ask me to trial an error another medication for one of these COULD BE illnesses!!

I have watched as someone I love’s life was destroyed & is a continual fight with the condition that the dr suggested “might” be what Jadon “could” have…  I KNOW the life destroying effects this condition has, please don’t use that term lightly!!

OH MY GOODNESS, IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!

I feel like someone is playing mind games with me.  Like this is some joke. 

Insurance hoops.

Referrals.

Counseling.

Specialist.

Pray.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??

Last evening, Jadon threw another fit.

In desperation I jumped in the van with him and started driving.  Didn’t know where to go for help.  Called the counseling place we have been going to for over 2 years, they said to come.

The counselor doesn’t know what to do.  (This is pastoral counseling & prayer counseling)  He is praying for us.  God You need to show us.

He shares with us that he is seeing more & more of this behavior in adopted kids.

Where is the hope?

God?  You are calling your people to care for the orphans.  And then we bring them in our homes & they don’t respond to our help.  And things grow worse instead of better.  What are we missing here??

I mean, to be brutally honest here, I’ve had some thoughts these past weeks as Jadon’s behaviors deteriorated once again, that I won’t be able to raise him long term.  Have you ever had a thought like that go through your mind as a parent??  The thought is devastating… I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have to institutionalize one of your children.    Or to be wondering if they will end up in prison after all of this?  Or if there is any purpose to what you have attempted to do in the long run???

I am sorry, adoption is a wonderful thing, and I NEVER want to be a nay sayer on it.  NEVER.  We should adopt.  We should care for orphans.  We should help other people who are trying to adopt.

What we cannot do is leave the families to their own resources AFTER they have adopted.  WE CANNOT!!

IF THIS IS WHAT GOD IS CALLING HIS PEOPLE TO DO, THEN THERE HAS TO BE A WAY THAT HE WANTS US TO DO IT!!!  WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?????

Nothing in my life (you know outside of my husband’s leaving & refusing to work on our marriage at all) has left me more frustrated.

Adoption is a big thing here.  And it should be.  It feels a little bit sensationalized to me.  The easy part is the adoption process.  The hard part is raising children to be healthy adults.

Maybe this is just me? 

Maybe I need lower expectations?

I read another book, in fact I am almost through the second time.  Some of the things in there are wonderful, some don’t work at all with my kids.

The older I get, the more books I’ve read, looking back on some of the things I read & thought would be good & worked, I realize now that you can’t take one author’s whole book and apply it to your children (multiple) and think that #1 one strategy is going to work for all kids # 2 that everything one author says is gospel! 

While an author may have some good points, he probably doesn’t have it all right.

Here’s an example.

I read in the latest book I am reading, which is very good, and has many great points, many of which have changed my approach to many things… one thing it has not changed my approach on is bed time for my 5 & 6 year old.

(I’ll paraphrase because in the book it’s long)  Bedtime, “we introduced something called room time.  Instead of ordering them to be quiet & to go bed, I told them, ‘It’s room time.  We don’t want to see you or hear you until the morning’”

And of course you do.  Then you go to their room and say “Are you not tired?”

And they of course say no.

So you take them out & give them a chore to do.  “When you get that all swept up, there’s a garbage can.  If you’re tired you can go to bed, but if you’re not tired I’ll find something else for you to do”

Let me tell you.  BACKFIRE!!

My 2 love this, I don’t believe they will EVER get tired!!  Meanwhile, me their mother, is exhausted & this is NOT OKAY!!

I tried it 3 nights.

Strike off the list.  Doesn’t work for us.

Last night I put them both to bed, and they were both in their beds yelling (who can yell the loudest) and kicking their walls.

I s*anked them.

Judge me.

They shut up.  Went to sleep.

This morning.  I woke up.  Thankful that I was able to sleep after the day yesterday.  And the first thought I had was that I was letting Jadon’s temper tantrums paralyze me.

The force of his fits is so strong, and growing increasingly stronger, that I have become immobilized to know what to do.

Time outs fail.  Kicking, screaming, tearing apart bedroom, destroying things.

Time ins.  Kicking, screaming, biting, hitting, spewing every hurtful thing that can be thought of.

Somewhere along the line I quite s*anking him.

Somewhere I along the line I lost touch with any possible discipline for a child like this that is so out of control.

This morning I told him I was not allowing him to scream at me any more.  If he screamed at me I was going to s*ank him.

He screamed. 

I s*anked.

He screamed.

I s*anked.

I gave him choices.

He refused.

He got another s*ank.

And then he obeyed.  He did what I asked.  He wasn’t happy about it, but I praised him and he smiled.

He went to school happy.

I hate s*anking my kids.  It is the worst.

You can read books all over the map about it.  I have my kids in counseling, I don’t want to be criticized or accused of abuse.

I am not here to debate it.

I am just trying to survive.  Raise these kids that I love more than anyone in the world.

How about I end this with a positive I’ve gotten from the book I just read…  I tried this last night.  This one worked.

“Levi had been having a tough time.  He was in the second grade & wasn’t reading… when Sheri went to school to pick him up, he was waiting for her.  Sheri thought to herself, ‘Here we go.  My words are spirit and I carry vision for my son.  I carry it in my heart and in my life.  I carry what it is that I want him to have.’”

“Hey, rough day?” Sheri asked him.

“Stupid backpack!” He got in the car.

Sheri drove to the store and went inside with Levi.  He just trailed behind.  Then she stopped halfway down the aisle, turned to him, and said, “Levi, my son, who I am so proud of.”  With one eye, he barely looked at her.

In the next aisle she stopped and pointed at him “Levi my son, who I am so proud of.”  Still he avoided her face.

A couple of aisles later she did it again.”

I think you get the drift.  Last night after Jadon’s fit, I was holding him in my arms and this is what I said.  “You are my son, and I love you, and I am proud of you”.  And I repeated it as I rocked him.

He responded by a nice yell that “I had already said that!”. 

I responded that I know I did, but I was going to say it again.

This morning I said it again as I dropped him off at school.  He smiled.

Dogonit, I don’t have the answers.  If I wrote a parenting book it would say, “PRAY HARD.  the end.”  But, I love these kids and I am not going to give up & sit back while their lives disintegrate before my eyes!!

I will fight for my family.  I will make mistakes.  I will have victories.  I hope that my life is an encouragement to someone.

Thanks for reading all of this.

Pam

Orphans & Missions

There is a group of Bloggers in Kenya this week.  Compassion brought them there, to meet their sponsored children.  To blog about their experiences. 

Compassion says this about the trip. 

“On March 4th our group of bloggers will begin an adventure in Kenya that will take them to the Maasai tribe, through the largest slum in the world and into the homes and hearts of Compassion children. Come here daily to make this journey with them through their words, pictures and videos.”

One of the bloggers I have been ng for a long time, MckMama is there.  Visit her blog to read more here.

It’s really touched me to read the blogs and view the photos & the videos.

I feel like my heart is being ripped up for orphans.  Again.

I am preparing to go on my first ever mission trip (you know the official travel somewhere kind). 

My 2 sons are getting ready for their first trips too.

I confess my heart has not been ready.  I think God is making it ready.  Reading these bloggers experiences in Kenya has touched me. It has helped me to pray.

My trip is going to be a US trip.  Zach and I are going with a group of high school kids & parents to Arizona & New Mexico.  We will be doing some work on a Navajo reservation & a Bible School with some children there. 

We will also be doing some sight seeing along the way.

I’ve volunteered to be the official photog for the trip! 

James & his grandpa are going with the senior class from our church to Mexico.  I am not sure what all their trip holds for them.  I know he has volunteered to be the official photog for their trip too! 

MckMama wrote this before she arrived in Kenya….

“I've been praying for God to soften my heart and make it ready to be ripped open for Him in Kenya. I am aware that He will probably do just that, although I have no idea what I'm truly about to experience. What will God teach us? What passions will rise up in us? What will we see? Who will we meet?”

I am convicted about my own heart as I prepare for my trip to New Mexico.  My own heart laments its missing out on the beach vacation I’ve grown accustomed to.  My own heart can be quite selfish.

So can my children’s.

We finally decided tonight, after viewing some of the blogs to sponsor our first compassion child. 

It is hard to choose a child.

Lucas looked through the pages of children online.  Looking for one who was most needy.  He finally found our “virtual brother” (his words as he prayed tonight)

There is a 6 year old boy in Kenya who “looks an awful lot like Jadon”, who’s name is Dalton. Who is now our sponsored child.

***********************

On a different note, but not really… my search for post adoption support has lead me to start a group with another mom.  If you are in the area and are interested in joining us, we are having our first meeting next Monday night. 

I have a very good friend, who lives in another state, who I happened to visit last weekend, who has a very difficult story to tell.  Very soon I hope that I will be able to share for them some of their story, there is a great need for help there for them and their son.  They have had to keep things very quiet though & its been extremely difficult.

My friend is also beginning a support group in their community.  She described it like this…

“Helping start a support group for families who are raising modern day orphans (for any family raising children brought into their home that they did not give birth to, adoptive families, foster care, grandparents raising grandchildren, non-related guardians)

I am reading a new book I got last weekend.  Adopted for Life by Russel D Moore.  I’ll write more about it later.  There are so many things to learn.

Must give up my computer for my son who needs to finish an English assignment…

Pam

Still Looking for Adoption Support

“I may have to “start my own group”

“Our group isn’t active”

“Our group is for international adoption”

“I’ll make some calls and try to find the support you need”

“I understand”

“I’ll pray”

I feel like the bleeding person in need of a surgeon who must start the hospital to received the support that is needed.

I love my online support, you guys are such a blessing to me, I can’t imagine not having you!  I wish, I wish, I wish, we all could meet in person and talk. 

The comments were good on my post yesterday.  Thank you if you commented! 

To answer some of the questions from the comments…

**My children were both adopted at birth from the US. 

**I did not set out to adopt children with “special needs”. 

**My husband left us when J & K were one and almost two years old.

** I don’t think this is a race issue.  I do think this is a behavior issue.

**Abandonment is an issue with adoption & divorce.  My children have endured them both.

**I have been making phone calls and checked out the links given.  So far nothing.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers on this.

Tomorrow I take Kiahna in to the pediatrician for her evaluation.  We have lots of forms filled out, and I am guessing we will be starting some medications tomorrow.

I have peace with that.

I purchased more herbs for Jadon.  I had been using them and ran out, and you know how that goes.  I am starting those up again with both of them.  I am hoping that if Kiahna is calmer Jadon will then be calmer too.  They really seem to feed off of each other.

Jadon also feeds off of people at school who  have behavior things going on. 

We tried medication 2 years ago with Jadon, and it wasn’t a real good experience.  We may be trying it again.  One step at a time.

Both of my children seem to be very impulsive.  They both know they did wrong after they did it.  They are great apologizers and prayers.  They do it often.  But, I am ready to see some better choices so that apologies are not necessary quite so often.

My expectations are high.  I am having to adjust them.  It’s a process that is taking time.

Many, many people who adopt, myself included, ignore the warnings given about this or that… after all… “that won’t happen to me”… and “I am adopting a healthy newborn”… and “my family is different & I have this or that support set up”.

Truth be told, NOTHING we do in life EVER ends up like we think it will… sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse. 

I admit this is harder than I ever imagined.  The things that I think should work, often don’t.   I feel like a bad parent often.  I feel like people look at me (even if they aren’t) as not doing things the “right way” and therefore the behavior of my children is as it is.  I feel humiliated in public when my children act like 2 year olds instead of 5 & 6 year olds.  I feel helpless and unable to make a difference.

I really love the comment from the woman who said her neighbor has a son who is 7 and adopted him from birth & he has “issues”.  I am so blessed that maybe my frustration has helped someone see that they can be a huge help to their neighbor!  My guess when I heard about “neighbor” is that they are feeling like I often feel, like failures.  Like they didn’t do something right. Like they didn’t “sign up for special needs”.   I so hope that, like my commenter, others who see people in these positions will try to be positive influences in the lives of hurting children (and their hurting parents, even if they aren’t willing to say they are hurting)  And that these parents seek and find the support system they need to be the parents they were called to be to their son. 

It’s hard. 

Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Don’t convince yourself it’s different.

Admitting it’s hard and too much for you to handle is the first step in the right direction though.

So, lets see if we can’t get some support going on for post adoption like we see in pre adoption and foster care.

It’s vital.

Pam

Adoption Support

Yesterday…

I wanted to quit.

I felt like the worst parent ever.

If I hadn’t already had 4 children (who I have been semi-successful in parenting) ahead of my  youngest 2, I am pretty sure I would have taken all the failure and frustration and let it heap on my own head in shame.

It’s bad enough as it is.

Jadon got in trouble at school and we heard from the principal.

Kiahna got in trouble in school.

AGAIN.

I am not sure I am cut out for this.

Is there a place to resign?

Is there fine print I forgot to read?

Is this an adoption issue?

Special needs?

Divorce?

yes? yes? yes?

Can I scream?

I goggled adoption support within 100 miles of my area and do you know how many came up?

0

ZEEEE-RRROOOOWWW!

I talked to a local agency.

NO RESOURCES.

I heard of a training.

Am I a licensed foster parent?

No.

I don’t qualify for their training.

Okay, so we get all this support before we adopt.  We get training & people backing us up if we are fostering.

Then we adopt and get a nice smile, pat on the back, and off we go.

Five years later.

Six years later.

Sixteen years later.

Twenty-five years later.

Where is the support?

How do we cut through all the grief, loss, pain, frustration.

Theirs and ours?

Because it doesn’t look like we thought it would look.

And they deal with things our other kids don’t.

And they don’t respond like our other kids to the discipline we know and has worked.

So we try to do better.

We seek help.

We flounder around like fish out of water.

And we feel like we are beating our heads against brick walls.

We are told not to worry. 

But, know one knows how hard it is.

At least not anyone we know. 

They are all smiling and looking like they have it all together.

I am angry.

I am tired.

I am frustrated.

I am overwhelmed.

I want to be all that my kids need…

…I am not.

I want help.

I don’t know where to find it.

I want support.

I don’t know where to find it.

My kids deserve help.

I don’t know where to find it.

Pam

Adoption Agency Horror

Last week, I had some horrific news brought to my attention about the adoption agency we used to adopt our daughter, Kiahna.

I am not really sure how to tactfully, gracefully, say this… the agency is closed.  Court ordered to be closed.  There are people who have been on waiting lists with this agency for years.  Money paid up front.  Gone.  No adoption.  None going to happen.

The couple who owned the company have gotten a divorce.  The husband is left with the agency. The wife is opening a new agency in a different state.  The husband is opening a new agency in Arkansas, saying he will honor contracts… but those who have the contracts have heard nothing.

Devastating.

Devastating for adoption.  Devastating for families waiting to adopt.  Devastating for birth moms.  Devastating for adopted children.

Let me also say, this agency was selling itself as a “Christian” agency. 

If you are interested in more specifics, because you are looking at adoption, you can e-mail me.  I would STRONGLY recommend before you go with any agency you check out that agency through Loving Shepherd.  One of Loving Shepherd's free services is to offer reports on agencies that they have researched.

To think how easily this could have been us that had lost our money, and never had the blessing of adopting… gut wrenching.  To think about those families who it is them… to think about the birth moms…

The birth moms were promised letters & pictures.  How will they get them now?  From what I am reading online many haven’t been getting them and are hurting so badly.

So, how does all this effect us now?

We don’t have any way at this point to send the promised pictures/letters to Kiahna’s birth mom.  Nor, do we have any way to receive them from her.

We have never received anything from her.  But, one of the things that has made me the sickest in this, is that there are reports that say there were many pictures/letter/packages found at the agency… undelivered.

Did “A” ever get anything we sent?  Did “A” try to send anything to Kiahna and it’s sitting in storage?

Sickening.

At this point I am giving this a little time.  There is a government agency trying to weed through the turmoil.  There are charges against this man.  There are more investigations against him.  There are people trying to get this national attention. 

I have some identifying information for Kiahna’s birth mom.  My best option is to try to contact her myself.  Search for a new mediation point for sending/receiving pictures and letters for us both.  

I know people deal with things differently.  Maybe “A” has never tried to contact us.  Maybe she is not interested in contact.  Maybe she is. 

Will she be offended if I send her a letter?  Will the letter get to her?  How will we set up contact then? 

In my heart I believe that it makes a much healthier adopted person, if they can hear from that person who gave them life. 

Jadon’s birth mom has sent some letters and pictures over the years.  This last week, with all this up in the air, he asked more questions.  I told him he could write to her sometime.  He did… he learned to write her name, and drew her a picture. 

It’s good.  It’s healthy.  It’s healing.

I want that for Kiahna too.  If “A” is willing…

Praying for much wisdom…

Pam

A Break from the slide show…

As I share with you this week all the wonderful memories of last week, real life is obviously going on here!!  Just a few things…

*Yesterday I took Kiahna to the dentist.  She has been complaining about pain in one of her back molars.  Turns out she is going to need to have a pulpotomy (root canal on a baby tooth).  She is on antibiotic for the risk of infection. (that is she will be when I go get it) and she will be going to a specialist to have this done In a little over a week.

*I am getting schedules left and right for all the activities the kids have going on in the last 2 months of school.  I know I don’t even have them all yet, and there are some nights where each child has something somewhere.  To say that is overwhelming. Yeah… Show me how to walk this out Lord….

*Tonight I go with James to school for a meeting about his senior year and all the things we need to know about that.  Can I just cry?

*We got a new puppy that will live outside- hopefully scare away certain young people who choose to visit us in the middle of the night-in all kinds of weather-spreading their lovely TP in our trees…  Sonny, our puppy, is about the same color as James’ bleached blonde head, and is starting out to be a calm, timid, tolerant puppy.  He was pulled around in the wagon yesterday afternoon by Jadon, while Kiahna held him.  Thanks Michael & Jane!

*Speaking of Michael & Jane, their adopted son Deacon is turning 1 this week!  They are flying his birth mom in to share the weekend with them!  Go over to their blog to read about it, and say a prayer for them all!  I admit, it makes me envious to have such an opportunity, I pray all goes well.

*A blogging friend, Mimi, is celebrating her one year blogoversary with lots of giveaways this week!!  Get in on that!!

I am sure there are more, but I need to run out the door now to Week 5 of the Esther Bible Study!!!  Back with more pictures soon!

Pam

Screen One.

I took Kiahna to get her testing done today by A/W services.  A county funded program. 

Let me back up though.  I also took her to CC preschool this morning, for the 4th time.  I realized this morning that leaving her there with the teacher is not going to happen any time soon.  The teacher won't be able to handle her on her own.  She has no helper.  And although A (our counselor) says and wants to help out, we didn't even see him there today.  He is the principal, teacher, and pastor at that school... Other things come up besides us.  Expecting him to be there to help Kiahna twice a week is not realistic.  As much as he would argue with me, and would want to be, it just isn't.  So, I realized and accepted that I would just be going with her, until further notice.  I don't mind.  I enjoy playing with the kids.  The teacher is noticeably able to be more effective in working with children as I take some and play with them while she works with others.  It will work.  Kiahna will get the much needed social interaction she needs, and I'll enjoy spending time with her.  It's fine.

I tried leaving the room for awhile today.  Kiahna seems to seek a reaction.  She looked (and saw) me out the window and walked over and put her hands on another child and pushed him.  (within 1 minute of me leaving the room) 

I'll have just to work in at least one other time each week that I can get a break.  Last week  I met for lunch and prayer.  I don't know when or how I will do Bible Study on Thursday mornings.  It will have to be another time.  I'll need to work some things out differently.  But it will be fine.

So then we go to this testing.  I have already been told in advance, by our pediatrician Dr. F, and by the head lady at A/W, that Kiahna won't qualify because she is too smart.  So, I am doing this with no expectation.  Only to say that I did it.

Well.  Kiahna didn't pass the screening.

She passed on 5 of the 6 areas.  Failed the social area.  No surprise there.  When the lady (Lynette) added up the scores, the total said she didn't pass.  She was baffled and re added twice more.  Once aloud so I could help her.  She didn't have enough points to pass.

So this means she moves on to further evaluation. 

Before Lynette added up the scores she told me that she wanted to help Kiahna.  And that she was thinking in her mind "how can I help her".  She does not believe that the (state) guideline is a good one that keeps some kids out of getting help because they know their colors and numbers.  She told me that she "wears her heart on her sleeve for these kids, and really wants to help Kiahna".

She said that Kiahna's "education is being effected by her behavior, not her learning, but her 'education' as a whole"

Here is another thing.  The test is scored with the child either receiving a 2,1, or 0.  2 is pass, 1 is  1/2 pass, and 0 is fail.  Kiahna got all 2's or 0's except 2-1's.  So here is the thing, she knows the stuff.  She just either refuses or tunes out the teacher.  She will say, "No, I am not going to tell you".  Or she will slip into this talking to herself mode and not even realize that anyone is asking her anything (at least she appears to not realize it)

At one time today in the screening she told Lynette she was going to bite her.  (Lynette wrote that down).  Lynette also said that they would have to take into consideration the way things went at her first preschool.  And that could weigh into getting her into their head-start program.

Now, after Christmas she will go back. She will attend their head-start preschool for three days.  They will observe, evaluate, and make a decision as far as letting her stay in their program.

I felt relief.  Like maybe we would get help and it won't all fall on me (or my dad).  Maybe with this woman's help, AND A MIRACLE OF HEALING, she could learn to behave properly in school by the time she goes to kindergarten in a year and a half. 

It keeps getting brought up to me, the question of if she was drug exposed.  I don't know.  I am beginning to believe that she was.  As A was praying for her last week, he felt we should pray for healing of her brain.  He asked about the drug abuse.  Today, Lynette asked about drug abuse.

All wrapped into this is the fact that I am needing to face that my little girl is not the perfect child I ordered.   There is a grieving of sorts that goes along with that reality.  It's been going on for me for awhile, but today again it was heightened, and I had a lot of mixed feelings.  I am glad to get help, but I wish she didn't need it.  I never realized how hard it is to be a parent of a child that doesn't fit in the box.  It's giving me a new look on parenting, adoption, and special needs kids. 

Of course I am asking you to pray.  Wisdom, Healing, Guidance, Direction, Hope.... Dear Jesus, HELP US.

As I type those words, I think... How many times have I prayed that simple prayer in the past 3 years?  Isn't it amazing that He does.  That He can.  That He will.  And He doesn't get tired of our simplicity.

I really believe He rigged Kiahna's test today to get her the help He wants for her.  That was my thought as Lynette was recounting the scores for the third time.

Lead the way... We are following YOU.

Pam

So how did she know where you lived, Mommy?

As a trans-racial-adoptive family, I am keenly aware of the issues that my children and I face... sometimes, I would love to pretend we don't face them.  Sometimes, I think that I will never survive this with them.  Always, I end up back at the fact that the Grace of God is the ONLY thing that is going to get us through any of this... being adopted... growing up black in a white family... being abandoned by our dad/husband... being rejected repeatedly as the years go by and he chooses to ignore our existence... add to that all the "normal" things that growing up entails... yeah... pretty much only going to make it by the Grace of God.

Laurel @ I'm "Ghana" Adopt shared some very thought provoking thoughts about Trans-racial Adoption.  I appreciate her facing this tough subject. Her honesty, and her integrity.  Worth the read.

Somewhere, on someone's blog, the past weeks, I saw this video.  I found it very touching, and thought it very healing for my adoptive kids... not that they would "get it" now... but still...  It is Nate Huss... shut off the Christmas music on the sidebar and have a listen...

So, I am laying with Jadon this past week, trying to get him to take a nap... this is the conversation...

Jadon:  So, when I was a little, tiny baby.  Who was that lady who's tummy I was in?

Me:  T***a

Jadon:  Yeah, that one in that picture.

Me:  Yes.

Jadon:  Where does she live?

Me:  In South Carolina, I think.

Jadon:  So how did she know where we live?

Me:  She doesn't know where we live.

Jadon:  So how did she know?

Me:  You mean how did she find us?

Jadon:  Yeah.

Me:  There is a place called an adoption agency.  And she called the adoption agency and said, "can you help me find a mommy for my baby?  I can't take care of him and I need someone to help me."  They told her that they had a family that wanted a baby boy. And they called us, and we went to get you.

Jadon:  Oh.  Okay.  (Roll around... wiggle... roll around some more...)

Me:  (praying for healing over my son... and for healthy understanding of adoption.)

Jadon:  Would you get out of my room?

Me:  No, Jadon, I am staying here with you.

Jadon:  I don't want you here.

Me:  That's okay, I'm still staying.

(5 minutes later)

Jadon:  I love you.

Me:  I love you too.

Pam

In a perfect world...

In a perfect world... every baby would be kept, nurtured, and cared for by the mommies that gave birth to them and love them unconditionally.

In a perfect world... daddies wouldn't walk out the door.

In a perfect world... In a perfect world... In a perfect world...

You fill in the blank.

In our fallen world... children are rejected.

In our fallen world... those that are supposed to care for us, don't.

In our fallen world... those that are supposed to be there aren't.

In our fallen world... those that are left behind have to fend for themselves.  Learn to do things and be people they were never meant to be. 

In our fallen world... not everyone understands what we are going through.

In our fallen world... things don't always work out like we wanted them to.

In the past couple days, I have still been dealing with the level of pain that comes when we have contact with HSSH, still fighting my flesh and my will to handle HSSH's birthday, and to teach my children how to honor. 

Attending a counseling session... dealing with another layer in this onion of pain.

Being told I need rest.  Being told I need to get away.  Feeling so overwhelmed and knowing that I do need this... just being completely unsure how that will ever happen.

Another wave came crashing.

While Kiahna was a preschool on Wednesday, I got a call that I needed to pick her up.  She was hitting, pinching, and scratching.  They couldn't handle it.

It seems that my dad's being there hasn't helped like we thought it was.  It seems that she isn't doing as well as we thought she was.  She's had some good days, but she can't stay consistent.

I can't tell you how this all felt to me.  Like the straw that broke the camels back.  I deal with this 24/7/365.  I need help.  I need a break.  I felt like the rug just got pulled out from under me.  And I was falling.

I know the teachers didn't want to hurt me.  I know that they tried to help.  I don't blame them.  There is some hurt between us all, and that will need to be dealt with at some level, because these are women that I will see regularly regardless of preschool.  And I hope that if they would happen to read this post, it doesn't offend.

So, I'm back to the drawing board.  I have a hurting daughter.  I am hurt.  I am tired.  And I need help. 

So where is the help for angry, rejected, stubborn 4 year olds... and their tired mommies?

Help us, Jesus!

Pam

Adoption thoughts...

I got this video today in my inbox. 

This is about the Richt Family.  The father, I recognized from the movie, Facing the Giants.  I googled him to make sure.  I guess he is a college football coach in Georgia also.

This quote really struck me...

"The thought of adoption is exciting to many people... but, you know, now, let's go live it out for the rest of our lives.  Cause, that's what it is, it's a life long journey.  A life long commitment to these children."  -Mark Richt

Well said, Mr. Richt.  Well said.

Pam

Adoption Day!

Today is Kiahna’s Adoption Day.  This has not been an event that our family has been in the practice of celebrating.  I am not really sure why. (okay, maybe because our lives went to pieces at 1 and 2 years old)  But, as the kids get older, our lives begin to go back together again, and they begin to understand adoption better… we are going to talk about this day.

Kiahna became a part of our family through adoption at 12 days old, 4 years ago today.  We drove to Arkansas on a Thursday afternoon.  Drove to the cradle care home and picked her up, drove to the court house and the adoption was finalized that day.

HSSH and I out side the court house in Little Rock with our new baby girl!

Kiahna and I… the wonderful foster mom who took care of her during those first 12 days had her all dressed up.  They took such good care of her and still send her cards and ask about her!  Thanks again!

Leah meets her new sister… finally…

And today… I tell my girl the story of her adoption as I know it… it isn’t much.  I tell her that one day we got a call from an agency that they had a baby girl for us.  And today was the day that we went to Arkansas and picked you up and brought you home with us.  See, there is a picture of mommy and daddy picking you up.

Her reply to me today was, “are we going to Arkansas today, mommy?”

I don’t tell her the heartache of the journey it took us to get there.  I don’t tell her of the babies we thought we were getting who’s mom’s decided to keep them.  Or who DFS came in and took because their moms couldn’t make up their minds.

I don’t tell her of the costs involved.  Or the tears of disappointment.  Or the waiting.  Or the wondering.  Or the frustrations.  Or the doubts or the fears.

I can’t even tell her the real story yet.  I can’t show her anything from her birth mom, except that one snap shot I took of her outside the restaurant we met her in for lunch one day before Kiahna was born.

This is the letter I wrote to Kiahna that day…

Tonight we are stopped for the night to sleep after meeting with your birth mom, named A, for lunch.  She is a beautiful African American young woman.  Right now she is 19 years old.  She wore her hair in long braids.  She says she is 5’4” tall, the same as me.  When she is not pregnant she says she weighs 125 pounds.  I would have guessed her even smaller.  She seems so petite.  She is soft spoken.  Sometimes it was hard to hear her because she didn’t speak very loudly.  She didn’t talk a lot.  Basically only politely answering our questions.  She seemed pretty nervous and uncomfortable.  Spent quite a bit of time, especially after we were done eating, in a daze.  Kind of staring off.  I would have loved to know what she was thinking.

A showed emotion only once.  When I asked about your birth father.  She said his name was B, and he is 5’9”.  That is all she said about him.  We could tell by the pain on her face how he broke her heart.  She was fighting off the tears.  According to A, he ran from the responsibility of the pregnancy.  He is 27 years old now.

A has another child older than you.  Right now she is 20 months old.  Her name is C.  She said that she is friendly, active, and cute.  She weighed 7 lbs at birth.

A lives with her mom.  She told us that she has one brother who is older than her.  No names were given.  No father mentioned.  She told us her mom works a lot.

At this time A has no job.  On Tuesday the adoption worker said she is taking her to try to get a job.  She is going to help her get a job that will allow her to work while she goes to school.  A told us she dropped out of high school during her first pregnancy.  She plans to get her GED, enroll in college, and become an RN.  She seems to have done her research on the job and feels she would enjoy it.

She feels that by keeping you she would…

pause…. I can’t give this letter to Kiahna how it is written now.  How can I tell her these things?  How can I tell my little girl the truth?  My heart aches with the hard truth that is Kiahna’s life.  How can I tell her why she was given away?  It sounds so lame when I read it now. 

Here is that baby today… (making an absolute disastrous mess out of her lunch while I was not paying attention) she has had another hard day of adjusting to preschool (not as bad as the first day, but it wasn’t as good as Monday)  There has been so much hurt in her young life.

For SOME reason FATHER GOD, YOU chose me to be the mother of this child.  Knowing all the pain that would come, I was Your choice of parent for her.  I confess I don’t understand why.  But, then again, I confess to not understanding much about what You do.

This was given to us by Kiahna’s Adoption Agency 4 years ago today.  It hangs above my kitchen sink…

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I pray for this child, for all my children, for our family, to live out the plans God has for us.  That hope, that future, that prosperity…

I wrote a letter to Kiahna's birth-mom on her birthday, last month.  I will send a revised version of that with some pictures soon to the agency.  For Kiahna’s sake I hope that she picks it up and responds one day.

Pam

A letter to Kiahna’s Birth-mom

Dear Kiahna’s Birth-mom,

You’re on my heart today, more than any other day of the year.  Today, I marvel at the courage you had to give birth to our daughter, and let her go.  Today, I wonder how you are dealing with that.  I wonder if you think about her.  I wonder if you would like to see her.  I wonder if you will ever be in our lives.  I wish you would be, sometimes.

I wonder if you ever went to college like you planned.  I wonder if you are an RN now.  I wonder how your other daughter is doing.  I wonder if she looks like her sister, Kiahna.

I re-read my journal entries today about the time we met with you for lunch.  You were so beautiful, and I wrote down every detail I could think of about you to tell our daughter one day. 

You must be 24 years-old now.  I wonder if you pick up the pictures we send to the agency.  I wonder if you think about sending us some of you and your family.  We would like that.

Kiahna doesn’t really understand about adoption yet.  We talk about it, but it hasn’t clicked in her mind yet.  I suppose it will in the next year or so, and she will realize she didn’t come from my body, but from someone who she hasn’t seen since she was only two days old.  I believe she will miss you with an ache that she won’t be able to explain.  I wish I could take that ache away, but I am afraid I won’t be able to.

Life for Kiahna isn’t what I thought it would.  She isn’t growing up in the two parent home I planned.  I am afraid she has suffered more rejection from the man that vowed to be her daddy.  It pains me terribly to know that is how it is.  I am sorry that it isn’t different.

When I watched to Olympics this year, and saw those girls running track.  I couldn’t believe how much Kiahna’s body is shaped like theirs!  I am pretty sure she will be a track and field star one day!  Maybe even in the Olympics!  I wonder if there are any track stars in her biological family.  Her adopted brother loves running the hurdles.  I am sure she will be jumping OVER him one day soon!

Today at the park she befriended a little amish girl… it was so sweet.  She is growing up and making friends. 

She will be going off to preschool two days a week, starting next week.  It will be good for her to become more independent.

I wish you well.  I pray that you have peace in your life.  I hope that you have happiness and joy.

Please know that I love our girl with all of my heart.  I don’t think that I could love her more under any circumstances. 

Love,

Pam

Time-warp Testimony Tuesday #3

If you haven’t read my first post earlier this morning, you really need to read that before you read this.

As I consider finishing that story for you, I realize a few things.  I haven’t really processed much of this.  I have incredible peace about this.  How oblivious I was to the mess that was brewing in HSSH’s mind.  How God knew it all and let us do this anyway.

On a timeline Nathaniel came to us in March and HSSH dropped his bombshell in mid-September.  After HSSH left I had a few thoughts about Nathaniel’s adoption not being final, but just couldn’t go there.

This was my child.  God had given him to us in such an amazingly obvious way.  God would have to work all of this out.  His adoption not being finalized was not a problem for God.  I was sure that HSSH would return in time to finalize things.  And that somehow all this would work out fine.

It was quite a few months into the trauma of dealing with HSSH’s leaving when someone had the nerve to mention to me that perhaps Nathaniel would be better off being adopted by someone else.

I WAS IRRATE!!  EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT (besides my children) HAD BEEN STRIPPED FROM ME!  I COULD NO LONGER LIVE AND FUNCTION LIKE I WANTED TO!  I HAD NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING AND NOW SOMEONE THINKS I SHOULD GIVE UP ONE OF MY CHILDREN YET!!  I COULDN’T HOMESCHOOL ANYMORE, NO MORE ADOPTIONS WOULD HAPPEN FOR US NOW, I COULDN’T COOK, CLEAN, CARE FOR MY CHILDREN!  HSSH LEFT AND WAS LIVING A LIFE THAT CAUSED ME SO MUCH STRESS AND MIND GAMES!  EVEN THE DOG HAD RAN AWAY!!  NOW I HAVE TO GIVE UP THIS CHILD!  THIS NATHANIEL THAT GOD GAVE ME!  I THINK NOT!!!

Nathaniel means “gift from God”.  And he was challenging, but I was sure that he was mine to raise.  I cannot tell you how angry I was at the suggestion that he would leave.  I cannon tell you how angry I was at the circumstances that made me realize that this person was probably right, and I hated that more than anything.

In a little more time, and many tears later, the placing agency contacted me to tell me that they had held a meeting concerning our changed circumstances.  They wanted me to consider what the best option was for Nathaniel and our family.  By this time, many months had past and HSSH had filed for divorce.  Nathaniel had been with us almost a year, and things were getting harder for all of us as we dealt with all the fall out.

I had the grace to realize that she was right, and it didn’t make me angry this time.  I had a peace that I didn’t even know I could have.  The agency let me be a part of the process of choosing the family and let me talk to the potential parents. 

I knew without a doubt when it came down to it that this was the way that this was supposed to be all along.  Nathaniel’s new family had many things to offer him that I couldn’t.  His needs were growing daily as he dealt with the issues of his past in a 4 year old way.  God knew.

The things that Nathaniel has been through have not been easy.  His transition to his new home have had many challenges for them.  Challenges that I don’t think I was meant to deal with.

When I read Stacey at anymommy's story of their disrupted adoption, (who is an amazing writer) I wonder if our story would not have ended up with us having to make a choice like they did, had things been different with HSSH.

We run into Nathaniel from time to time, and we have had visit or two with him and his family in the past years.   It all seems like a dream that never really happened to us right now.  I guess that is the miracle of grace and God’s ability to heal.

HE HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO US ALL, AND HE KNEW!

Pam

Time-warp Testimony Tuesday #2

A few other things before we get to the time-warp testimony stuff… it is Tuesday, and it looks like one of my new blog role members is doing something fun with Tuesday… I hesitated to click the link, but after I did I feel inspired to go for it!  Here is the link to Tackle it Tuesday from the blog 5 Minutes for Mom.  Now, which project will I tackle?

I’m headed to a sensitive subject with this testimony today.  It may have to be a two-parter, because what appeared to be the end of the beginning wasn’t.  I’ve never written about the end of this story for us and will not leave you hanging for too long.  Obviously, he isn’t with us anymore.

I wrote this back in 2005…

The adoption of Nathaniel

The level of noise around the big table in our kitchen increased a notch as a new family member joined the happy voices. This member’s voice is not so filled with joy, as he has not know the pleasure of having a mom and dad and many siblings all together at the same time and place. Is it overwhelming to him to have so much activity? Will the fears and the abandonment of the past affect the future of such a small, young soul? So many new things, so many confusing things. Gone are all the things that are familiar except for a few clothes and small toys.

What went through three and a half year old Nathaniel’s mind as he woke up on the morning of March 31, 2005 in a new, strange house? So many people talking to him at once. What happened, and how did he come to be here with these people?

On the morning of March 17, 2005, was when it all began. I had received a phone call from a caseworker at Gateway Woods asking me if I would be willing to talk to a lady who had just experienced her second disrupted adoption placement in a month. Of course, since we had experienced several disrupted placements, I was more than glad to share with someone who was going down that same rough road.

I called Brenda soon after that. Brenda and I talked as I have talked to few people in this world. One that knew the pain of trying to adopt domestically, with multiple placements not working out. Our conversation was close to two hours long. During this conversation Brenda told me of a three-year-old boy that they had been told about by our agency, and asked if they wanted to adopt. After praying about it overnight, Brenda and her husband had decided to turn down the match, but really felt a burden for him. Brenda told me that we should adopt him! I laughed nervously. I was already very curious about him and what the situation was, as those types of situations are not very common. Brenda really encouraged me to call and find out about this little guy.

I got off the phone a prayed. I heard a voice saying to me “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”. I called the agency and talked to the same caseworker I had worked with to adopt Jadon, about Nathaniel. At this point in time there was another couple considering adopting him. They were to give their decision by the next day. Marge told me all about him and was very encouraging in the idea of us adopting him. She told me to talk to HSSH about it and to call her the next day with our decision. Of course that was all depending on what the other couple decided to do.

When I told HSSH about Nathaniel the only issue either of us had on taking him was money. We had no extra to spend on another adoption. I did some research on grants that would be available to people like us and made some phone calls to family and friends to ask them to pray for this situation.

The next morning I called the Agency and told her that we would love to take Nathaniel. We had decided that if the Lord was making this happen that He would provide the money that was needed to do it. By the end of the day I had talked to a car sales friend about buying our van. He had agreed to buy it and we had the first half of the money that we needed to pay the agency for the adoption. The caseworker was very encouraging that we would be the right home for Nathaniel. The other family still hadn’t called with their decision, but she felt we would be the better placement. But, at the end of the day we heard that the other couple had decided to take him.

We were disappointed and relieved all at once. Everything had been happening so fast and I was hard to see clearly what was meant to be. We kept praying for Nathaniel, but knew at this time that he wouldn’t be here in our home. Our prayers were that God’s will would be done, and that he would be in the home that God intended. I still felt an attachment to Nathaniel, I had thought for a brief moment he was going to be ours.

About a half a week later, March 24, I talked to our caseworker at Gateway again about something else. She mentioned to me that she had talked to the agency trying to place Nathaniel and that the first couple had decided not to adopt himl. But, they had found another family to adopt him! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! How could they go around us and give him to someone else without even talking to us!! After a few moments, I calmed down and realized that God had intervened and answered our prayers, it just wasn’t meant to be. He had provided a different family for Nathaniel, probably the family that we had been praying for him to have! Even though it didn’t seem fair, that was okay. God knew what we could handle. We already had 6 children, obviously, He did not have this for us. But, we knew that He used our prayers to make changes in Nathaniel’s little life. We had peace and contentment.

On Monday, March 28, I got a phone call from the owner of the agency placing Nathaniel. He asked if we still were interested in adopting Nathaniel. HSSH and I had already talked about it and we knew that if it ever came back to us, it would be God and not us making this happen. If this is where God was opening the door we would trust HIM and go through. I told him that we were interested. He wondered how fast we could come down and pick him up. At this time Nathaniel was actually sitting in their office waiting for parents to come and pick him up. Could I come on Wednesday or Thursday and pick him up? I thought that I could. There were details to be worked out as far as our home study. That was taken care of by the end of Tuesday. Gateway Woods really supported us in this. Things were taking place really fast. By Tuesday I had plans to fly to Ft Lauderdale on Wednesday and pick Nathaniel up. We also had an anonymous donor give us the funds to pay for our plane tickets!

The trip to Florida was exhausting. It is hard to describe how it felt to see this child  walking down the hall in the airport coming toward you, and to grasp, this stranger is going to be my son. I had brought pictures of our family at home along and he spent some time looking at those. He really attached to Leah’s picture. He was quiet, and his speech was hard to understand. But, he seemed to like me.

After some flight changes and God working out the details, the time came to leave to go back to home. Leaving the caseworker was a little difficult for Nathaniel, it was well past naptime, and he was confused about where the plane was that he was going on. He cried and threw a temper tantrum. I had to pick him up and carry him through security. The alarm went off on the metal detector. Here was this kid screaming and crying and I had to put him down and be searched! I finally told the guards that he was scared and tired and that he has only known me for a few hours and had just left the social worker. They became much nicer to us and continued to search my bag and me. Finally, we got through that and went to wait for our plane. Nathaniel let me comfort him. He talked to me, I couldn’t always understand him, but he was very pleasant. On the first flight he slept the whole trip.

At our layover, we ate and talked and played with toys. He really soaked in my attention. He was awake and talking to me the whole trip to our final destination. He was very excited about the plane and going to my house. He called me “Mommy” on the plane. We were playing and I had called him “silly” and he called me “silly” and I said no, I’m not silly, I am “Mommy” and he said that I was “Mommy”. From then on he has called me Mommy or Mama.

He slept all the way from the airport to home.  The next morning he woke up in a new house with the only thing familiar being me, his new mommy. It was hard on him, he was grouchy and didn’t like all the attention of people talking to him. But, he really adjusted fast. Today, after being with us four weeks, he still doesn’t just open up to new people very quickly. He likes the things that are consistent. The way that he is adjusting is just miraculous! Only God can make this work out the way that it has!

The thought of the unknown past of this three-year-old boy brings some sadness to the joy. How was life really for him before coming here? Did his mama kiss him good night? Did she read him stories? Did she hug him when he had a boo-boo? What sort of circumstances was she in to have given this sweet, quiet boy away at this age? She must be grieving something that we cannot understand. There will be issues to deal with as we grow up together. But, we can rest assured in the fact that God has placed this small boy in our care for today and we will be given all that we need to care for him according to HIS will.

Today we still wait to see how God plans to finish this story. We have applied for two grants and have not heard whether we will receive either one yet. We are not going to worry about this, God has it all planned out. He didn’t bring us to this point for us to figure out how to provide for these children. We trust, and are learning to do so more each day! What a journey we are on, it is our hope that hearing this story will help someone trust God in their lives too!

We now have the information that we need to finish this story... Two days after finishing this writing, we received another phone call from our social worker at Gateway Woods.  Gateway Woods had received a call from a couple who felt led to help us financially with this adoption.  They are paying for the remaining costs of Nathaniel's adoption. It is so very humbling to receive a gift like this. To say you have the faith to believe that God will provide and then actually receive the miracle is overwhelming. We are thankful beyond words for those who have played a part in this adoption. Truly God has a plan and a purpose for the life of Nathaniel and each one of us.

Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:

Pam

Doubts

I know I posted late last night and that this is early Saturday morning, but I woke up and am a little nervous that there are no responses to my post about my children making that mess in the garage.

I hope that no one thinks that I neglect them!  I really thought they were riding their bikes, and the basement is right inside the garage door and I was right at the bottom of the stairs folding laundry.  I could hear happy sounds of playing children from where I was.

Last year we went through a time with Jadon that for a while I was so overwhelmed with behavior like this, and his impulsiveness, that we tried putting him on some ADHD meds.  After this event with the gas, I began taking pictures and making an album of things that happened around here.  It was one way that I found to cope with it all.  (see, I wasn't blogging yet)

He was so full of anger.  He is a very intelligent child.  He is a very creative child.  He gets bored quickly, and most days Kiahna and I are not near the entertainment that he is craving.  So it became, create your own disaster…

He’s the orange shirt, the mattress is off the bed and he’s laying on the bottom…

]

I found this pretzel stuck in the wax of this candle last Christmas.  Scary.

Most people say that 4 is too young to diagnose ADHD, and in our case I think that it is too.  His behavior got much better with the meds for me at home, but at school they were reporting a zombie behavior.  In public he was not the friendly Jadon, he was zombie like.  (worked from my point of view, no more losing him in Walmart, trying to keep him in a chair at a restaurant, having him run off at ball games)

The last few weeks of preschool I waited until after he got home to give him the pills, because, while they could handle his behavior at school, I wasn’t able to handle it at home.

It was in this process that we began searching for counseling too.  After visiting 3 we finally found one that fit. 

In the midst of this the older children were beginning to deal with some of the things that their dad had done, and they were in need of counsel too.  So all of us have been going to the House of Hope for counseling since February.

I took Jadon off his meds and began trying diet and supplements.  Something that I didn’t think I was capable of doing with our busy schedule.  It has worked out this summer for us. 

He’ll start preschool again soon and I think it will go good for him.  These behaviors have improved dramatically.  The counseling he had received at House of Hope has brought him much healing and tools that he and I both can use to fight.

We’ve learned to pray that God would come and heal all the broken places in Jadon, (and all the kids).

The process of going through counseling with my kids has been extremely difficult for me.  Part of me wanted to believe that their dad’s choices had only hurt me, and they were all unaffected. 

Realizing that I can’t “fix” this for my kids.  I can’t change their dad’s choices.  I can’t take away the hurt he inflicts with each passing day he is not choosing to be a part of their lives.  That has been hard for me to accept.

I have no idea what that pain must be like as a child. 

This wasn’t the life I dreamed of when we adopted Jadon and Kiahna.  I wasn’t supposed to raise them alone.  We weren’t supposed to be a family where they would be brought more hurt and rejection.  This was supposed to be their safe place.

I’m doing the best I can.  Some days it doesn’t feel like it even matters.  I have so much help from my parents, which I am so grateful for.  I am having to rely on God’s power of healing and restoration in my children's lives just like I have in my own.  It's hard, I just want to "fix" it for them so they don't have to go through these things.

A prayer that has stuck with me through these past years, is that God would use all of these things to make them strong.  I know that the enemy wants to use them to destroy.  But, God will use them to bring full life to us all.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  --John 10:10

Pam