Yesterday…
I wanted to quit.
I felt like the worst parent ever.
If I hadn’t already had 4 children (who I have been semi-successful in parenting) ahead of my youngest 2, I am pretty sure I would have taken all the failure and frustration and let it heap on my own head in shame.
It’s bad enough as it is.
Jadon got in trouble at school and we heard from the principal.
Kiahna got in trouble in school.
AGAIN.
I am not sure I am cut out for this.
Is there a place to resign?
Is there fine print I forgot to read?
Is this an adoption issue?
Special needs?
Divorce?
yes? yes? yes?
Can I scream?
I goggled adoption support within 100 miles of my area and do you know how many came up?
0
ZEEEE-RRROOOOWWW!
I talked to a local agency.
NO RESOURCES.
I heard of a training.
Am I a licensed foster parent?
No.
I don’t qualify for their training.
Okay, so we get all this support before we adopt. We get training & people backing us up if we are fostering.
Then we adopt and get a nice smile, pat on the back, and off we go.
Five years later.
Six years later.
Sixteen years later.
Twenty-five years later.
Where is the support?
How do we cut through all the grief, loss, pain, frustration.
Theirs and ours?
Because it doesn’t look like we thought it would look.
And they deal with things our other kids don’t.
And they don’t respond like our other kids to the discipline we know and has worked.
So we try to do better.
We seek help.
We flounder around like fish out of water.
And we feel like we are beating our heads against brick walls.
We are told not to worry.
But, know one knows how hard it is.
At least not anyone we know.
They are all smiling and looking like they have it all together.
I am angry.
I am tired.
I am frustrated.
I am overwhelmed.
I want to be all that my kids need…
…I am not.
I want help.
I don’t know where to find it.
I want support.
I don’t know where to find it.
My kids deserve help.
I don’t know where to find it.
Pam
17 comments:
hmmm I don't know where to find help. I wish I could tell you...
In my case I turned to the internet alot. Is there anything online? I know sites like cafemom have adoption circles on there I don't know if they will help or not?
In my case, I first went to my pediatrician and got a referral for a child psychologist. I don't know if that would help you or not?
I would encourage you to start one, but that's just what you need ... another ball to juggle. I will pray for you. May I ask how old your youngest 2 were when you adopted them?
they were both newborns.
well i can only say that it's def part of the game with some kiddos. we are doing the same t hings as you with counseling and such...but i'm your support. use me! we are sooo in the same place, especially with jk. you are a good mom...you know why? bc you care. bc you try. bc you want more for your kiddos. that's why you are a good mom, my friend. and being an adoptive parent is tough sometimes...and sometimes peeps think they have the answers and they don't. jk was diagnosed with RAD and the best thing i ever read was "when love is not enough"...puts real words to what's going on...and all adopted kiddos struggle at some point with attachment. smiles, love and prayers to you, friend.
Oh Pam. I have no advice and know NOTHING about any resources. I pray your post falls into the right hands of someone who will know how to help.
(((hugs)))
I'm sure you're doing a much better job than you think.
Praying for you...
I'm blessed to be near a lot of support and can't imagine how hard it would be without that. May God's hand be on you now and bring you peace....
That really, really stinks. I am so sorry for all of yours' pain. What a tough situation to be in, and I'm sorry that help is not readily available. It certainly should be.
Those kids are still better off with you than they would have been. You're doing the best you can. Keep fighting, keep trying. Keep believing in yourself most of all. I'll be praying for you.
I agree with the others- wish I could help too! Where is that support? I don't know either. Perhaps this will be a ministry God will open up for you in the future once you make it through (and you WILL make it through!) and you may be the support that someone else needs. But I feel your frustration in not finding that support you need right now... Praying for you!
Lora
Awe Pam, you are doing great. Have faith that things will fall into place.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. Wish I could help.
You are a wonderful Mom and I thank you for being so real and honest and letting us read along. You really are a beacon of light although you may not feel it.
I have not adopted, but one of my children (13yr) has driven me to desperation lately. I feel so even worse when I read some blogs whose lives seem perfect. Praying . and hoping that things get better soon.
Hi Pam,
I check out your blog occasionally, and will post this on the haircare forum also. :)
It doesn't sound like it's the right time for this in your life, but after we adopted the first time, I started a group for this very reason. I knew I needed to talk to other moms who would understand the way it feels to suddenly become a multiracial family. A couple friends jumped on board to help me out, and we now have 140+ local families involved in our Yahoo group, all who have adopted black/biracial children. It's a yahoo group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Arizona_Transracial_Adoptive_Families/. Some participate in person, when we meet at the park or some other venue. Others chat online on the group. Some we never hear from, but at least they know the group is there for them when they need us. It's a pretty low-maintenance group and we get together every month or two unless someone is motivated to plan more events.
Another option is to look on more websites for support in your area. One place to start is Adoptive Families Magazine's website. (And order the magazine if you haven't already -- it's a great resource!)
And call or email (or ask a friend to do it in your place) every agency in your area and see what they suggest.
I'll be praying that God brings along the support that you need. I know just how important that is!
I've been there. I am still there. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I also have family support but no access to adoption support. Parents who have not adopted don't really understand. People who are not trying to parent by themselves don't really understand. It's a lonely road to walk. Lean on God. Lean on your friends. Ask for help from the school. I hope something opens up for you! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
hi, im in indiana too. southern part. online support has helped a lot because it puts you in touch with people going through the same things. hang in there, email me any time.
http://josiecomehome.blogspot.com
seoultrainonanairplane@hotmail.com
Pam, You won't believe this, but your post was a real *encouragement* for me. We have the sweetest neighbors in the world. They are so prim and proper, sociable, intelligent - just the all around best neighbors in the world. About 7yrs ago they adopted a newborn little boy. The mom has two older biological children as well. The 7yo has been to so many different daycare programs, schools primarily because of bad report. As neighbors we've tried a lot of things to show support and show love, but we are on the verge of making an edict that our children are no longer safe with your child and can not play together in the presence of the adoptive parents.
We've seen that this little boy seems significantly better when he is in our house and under our clear and direct authority. When he's here, I try not to do any other housework but watch the kids interact together. When he's here, I very clearly draw the boundaries and I reinforce them. If he doesn't like it he's free to leave - he hasn't ever asked to leave yet. When he's here I offer him a lot of good physical touch - like patting him on the back or my husband will will tackle him etc. The only reason we do this last thing is because he seems to have that kind of need - he's known to touch people inappropriately - so why not demonstrate proper touch.
His older sister occasionally will babysit him, and he seems like a totally different boy. His older sister gives him undivided attention, showers him with a lot of genuine love, but is very firm about boundaries and consequences. She is constantly affirming him when he makes a good decision to obey and is very quick and unwavering when he makes even the slightest infraction. She also spends time teaching him Spanish (his native tongue). This little boy seems so much happier when he's with his sister. He doesn't seem to have to fight for control, show who's boss, demonstrate aggression, etc.
It was clear to us the parenting styles was the difference. We even contemplated homeschooling would be a better environment where he received one-on-one attention, affirmation and love.
I am learning now as an outsider it is easy to say, easy to suggest, easy to advise. I am writing to tell you that even in your frustration you are an encouragement to so many.
Just like the others said. You are a good mom. God enlisted you to be the mother of these children because he believed that with your complete surrender to God - you are perfectly designed for them.
Give them an extra tighter hug. Look them straight in their eyes and love them. Give them your undivided attention face-to-face for five minutes, maybe 4 min (difficult for me - as I'm a multitasker). Spend 15 minutes trying to mother them knowing that you are COMPLETE in God and not a single mom struggling so hard. Next day, try to mother them as if they are the last thing left on this earth (and not the laundry or the other project).
You are an excellent woman! Meeting the needs of all your children while relying on God to meet your needs. You will be in my prayers tonight. Thank you for sharing again!
I've been involved in an online support group that was wonderful, plus some local groups. The online group disbanded, as did two of the local groups. I think what happened is that we all got so caught up in our children's issues that there just wasn't any time or energy to continue with the groups. Sad, but true. It's almost as if you need an empty nester to run the groups because the rest of us are too fried to do it!
I'll pray that you find something, Pam. I was naive enough to think that, since I adopted "healthy" kids at birth, I wouldn't be faced with any issues. Wrong! The issues started from the very beginning and haven't let up. No one would help us at first and I thought I would completely lose my mind until I finally started talking to people who were going through similar things with their kids.
I don't have any answers, but I do appreciate your honesty because it reminds me that I'm not alone.
Praying for you...
Hi Pam, I just followed your link from the adoption hair yahoo group. I wish I had the right answer to give to you. In my research into adoption issues, I've come across two blogs that have really been a blessing to me. You might already know about this one welcometomybrain.net If you go back on her blog a week or so, you'll find videos she has posted about dealing with children with control/behavioural issues (specifically RAD issues, but I think these are great videos for every struggling parent). Also, http://themourofamily.blogspot.com has some great insight in older posts as well (also dealing with RAD, but again, some great insight - check out posts labelled Abbie). I hope you find more face to face support, but maybe this will encourage you and remind you that you are so not alone when it comes to these adoption issues.
Blessings.
Check out this blog for information on reactive attachment disorder:
http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/
God bless,
Sarah
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