“The trauma experience does not have to be obvious, and it does not have to be something most people would consider to be shattering or life changing”
Again a quote from the book Beyond Consequences.
I guess it shocks me a little.
I haven’t in my mind been able to equate that trauma can be purely the child’s perception of what happens rather than what actually happened. We may see it as “not a big deal” or “they were too young to understand or recall”, but their bodies do recall.
“It is important to understand that trauma can be any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable”
As human-beings we are all going to experience these types of things in our lives. We all process them in our own unique ways.
“if an individual does not have an opportunity to express, process, and understand the event to some degree in a relationship with another human being, then any trauma can become stored within the cells of the body and have and impact on that individual for the rest of his life.”
What I am beginning to understand is that my daughter is feeling the effects of her abandonment trauma… or maybe she had a high stress pregnancy (YA THINK??) I mean really, anyone who is in the process of giving up their child for adoption is experiencing high stress. And this is affecting the unborn child in many ways.
So what I am beginning to understand is that even though in my brain I have been wanting to believe that my daughter, adopted at birth, abandoned by her adopted father at one year old, was “too young” to feel the effects of what happened… she wasn’t.
It pretty much began escalating when school started… even though I had enforced 7:30 bed-time & been successful 75% of the time to get it done, she just was so tired when she got home.
Fits of rage about any little thing.
Me forcing her to nap because, she’s tired.
And after a fit for an hour, I am tired too.
Restraining her so she can’t rip the house up, run away, or hurt someone or herself, but then she hurts me.
There is no more helpless feeling.
You walk on egg shells.
Never knowing what you are going to say “wrong” that will insight her wrath.
So, I think… after a few weeks of school she will adjust & then things won’t be so bad.
Wrong.
They didn’t get any better.
5 weeks into school.
Tantrums still going on.
So when I hear that stress can cause children who have been through trauma to “heighten stress receptors within the brain. In this manner, traumatized children will be more anxious, nervous, fearful, and subsequently, more aggressive.”
Could the stress of being in school all day be causing her to display this aggression.
I believe so.
So, then when I ask of her things like, attending football games, family events, telling her “no”…putting away the cookies… or any other simple household task… it sends her into overload.
I am beginning to see her in a new light.
How can I lower her stress? Expect her to handle less? Still keep up with the schedule and routine of my 4 older kids at home?
Jadon asked me to come in to school Monday and eat lunch with him. I hadn’t done that yet this year, so I went in and ate with him. Of course Kiahna is there too.
After lunch all the kids go outdoors for recess. I go along.
Part of Kiahna’s IEP was to have assistants for her at recess… see I knew before school began that recess, lunch, and being at school all day very well could be too much for her… the school wanted to try it, and offered special assistance at recess, which hasn’t materialized.
So, I sit on the bench and Kiahna climbs in my lap and cuddles.
And I have this thought.
Maybe, instead of cutting her hours in school (which after Heather Forbes seminar I was thinking was going to be my only option). I could come in to school and be here for this recess and lunch. Maybe I could try it for a week and see if it makes a difference.
I spoke with the school guidance counselor about what is going on at home and my thought on helping her de-stress in the middle of the day by coming in and letting her connect with me.
Monday in the van after school she had another tantrum…This tantrum actually brought me more insight into that things causing her stress.
Tuesday, another one, this one at the football game. She had one at last Friday’s game too.
So.
I am getting it.
She can’t handle more than her day at school.
Don’t ask her to handle more than that.
It won’t go well.
My plan for now.
No bus riding. (she tried it 3 days, it was too much)
I go to school for lunch and recess and reconnect with her.
No ball games, babysitters who will focus on her & let her get to bed on time.
Leah will work on being nice to her when friends are over, or her friends just can’t come over for now.
Over-all working on the responses to her actions (and those of the other kids) reading and learning and understanding better just how she is processing things.
As you may know, we have no medical diagnosis of her issues. We have finally been approved for testing and go for our first appointment next week.
Regardless of the label, I know the behaviors I am living with, and I know that my prayers are being answered and I am finally getting some tools to work with.
God is Good.
Pam
