Honestly, I feel like I am struggling on the brink of sanity most days.
To tell the truth I am so glad that school started & I get some time to myself almost every day.
Honestly, I feel bad for feeling that way… but my plate is too full & it’s more than one person should have to carry on their own, so when the school teachers get on board & help me carry it, I am more than glad to let them do so.
To tell the truth, Kiahna’s behaviors scare me to the inner core.
Honestly, I am so angry at Jim some days for what he has done to our children & the way he is living his life, I think I might explode.
To tell the truth, I am tired of forgiving that man for things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
Honestly, I know I have no other choice. Unforgiveness is not an option. I know what it does to a person & I want no part of it. It’s just so hard to keep doing it.
To tell the truth, I wonder if visits with their dad hurt them more than they help them?
Honestly, if he is going to come to their games, I don’t understand why he can’t stick around long enough for them to come off the field or out of the locker room to say, “hey, good job son”.
Truthfully… it makes me want to scream with rage when I think about him hurting my kids & how I have absolutely zero control over if he hurts them or not.
Honestly, I like to be in control. I like to be able to protect my kids. I like to see the right thing happen. I like to see good win. I like to see justice.
To tell the truth, the older I get the less I see of justice, truth, or good winning in this world.
Honestly, without Jesus… I would be so much worse off than I am today… which is hard to imagine, since I feel pretty messed up with Him most of the time.
To tell the truth, I am sooo excited to start a new Bible study up with 2 of my friends tomorrow.
Honestly, I don’t know what it’s even going to be about… just get me in the Word & save me from myself and this crazy life I am leading.
To tell the truth, I think that raising teenagers might be right up there with the most difficult thing ever done by mankind. It’s so hard not to panic & think you’ve failed most hours of most days… then you see little glimmers of hope… and you try to focus on those…
Honestly, I think it’s best not to get too focused on anything that teenagers do or say… because tomorrow they will have a different thought that will totally change what they said yesterday…
To tell the truth… I have learned more about special needs children so far than I ever dreamed I would learn in my lifetime. I wonder if anyone ever goes out and wants to learn how to raise a special needs child before they have one?
Honestly, dealing with my daughters tantrums feels like it could be the death of us all.
To tell the truth, I get angry that life is so hard… I get angry that I am a single parent… I get angry that Kiahna’s behavior is so awful…. I get angry that Zach gets tickets for taking off too fast in a parking lot, that he has a bad attitude of the football field, that girls chase him mercilessly, or that there is a new girl each week that he is talking to, I get scared, I get hurt, I get lonely…
Pause.
These are the feelings, thoughts, emotions, circumstances, issues I deal with everyday…. battlefield of the mind… yeah, you could say so.
We need your prayers. I have been a single parent for six years. And guess what. It’s still hard. It still stinks. It still hurts. It still trying to destroy me & my children. We still need your prayers and support.
God has been sooooo good to us. This community has been amazing. I have to keep fighting this war, I can never stop… please keep holding up my hands… because I am exhausted.
Pam
