Another rainy night…so why not read a long update!

Seems our busy evening is being slowed by the rain once again… Annoying as it is to have the rain, perhaps it is just a way to keep my sanity? 

Yesterday morning, I woke up troubled.  No real reason, no real drama, just troubled.  I thought about the verse that says, “My yoke is easy and My burden is light”… looked it up… found it to say…

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28:30

I told God… “Show me.  Show me your yoke is easy!  Show me Your burden is light.  Show me how to find rest for my soul!”  (great, I am crying again)  I am so tired.  I am so weary.  I am so overwhelmed.  I don’t get it?  How do I do this?  How do I walk this out?  How do I find rest in this?

Monday morning, I was in the grocery store and felt like I was going to hyper-ventilate.  Felt anxiety and fear trying to grip me.  “what drama is going to happen next?”  “Wonder how Kiahna is doing at school.”  “sure hope I don’t find out something I don’t want to find out about how things went at the prom for James and Alisen” “Wonder if HSSH is going to return those papers I need signed by him, or if I will have to take him to court to get them?”  Told myself I was not going to worry about each of these things.  My body was still reacting though.  I even had diarrhea, (which you probably didn’t need to know, but this is a reaction to the stress on my body)

So, I am thinking too much, analyzing too much, trying too hard, feeling the physical effects of long term stress on my body. 

SHOW ME HOW YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS BURDEN LIGHT FATHER!?!  PLEASE!!! 

Out of the blue, our counseling friend called.  Asked how Kiahna is doing.  Sensed right away that Kiahna’s mommy was losing it.  Funny thing.  I didn’t really even realize I was losing it (AGAIN) until someone said, “are you okay?” 

Ummm… me?  I thought I was okay.  Maybe I am not okay.  Maybe I am really tired.  Maybe I really, really, really need MY GOD to show me that His Yoke is Easy and His burden is Light.  Maybe… 

He prayed for me on the phone.  And I felt peace, again.  And God, He began easing my burden.  He began showing me Himself.  He eased my worried mind by calming my fears.

The burden didn’t seem so heavy anymore.  The lies were a little softer. The truth a little louder.  I began to breathe again.

Yeah, so that’s my update… how about the kids you ask…

James:  of course he had a wonderful weekend with prom activities.  I ran in to the mother of the boy that he & Alisen hung out with after the after prom yesterday.  It was calming and reassuring to me to hear her say that James is such a good kid, and that things went so well.  (see how HE calmed my heart)

He took the SAT’s on Saturday too.

Track has been up and down for James.  First place in his beloved 110 hurdles has eluded him.  As soon as he is in a race that he knows he has a better, best time than the others he mentally blows it and doesn’t do well. As soon as he is in a race that he knows the other kid has a better best time than him, he does his best and betters his time.  He’s collected some firsts as a part of the 4 X 400 relay!

His attitude has been very good.  He has matured so much lately.  I am thankful for that.  He has talked to his dad on the phone once more that I know of in the past couple weeks.  (or texted is more like it)  He continues to handle that very well.  I continue to ask for your prayers for him for this relationship.

Zach:  Well, you know… one gets out of the rotten teenage attitude stage and another enters it… He and I are in that hard stage.  He went on an overnight retreat last weekend with a friend.  I picked him up, and he immediately got mad at me and didn’t hardly talk because I made him go with me to take Alisen & James prom pictures instead of driving him back home.  (SMILE!) 

He’s playing baseball when the rain will let him.  Last night was their first real game. (I forgot my camera).  He told me at the beginning of the season that he “stunk at baseball” and wanted to run track.  I made encouraged him to do baseball.  After last night’s game I told him he was right.  He does stink at baseball and should probably run track… (hear the sarcasm dripping from my words?) You know, cause 4 times on base, 2 hits, 2 walks, 6 steals, 3 rbi’s, 3 runs, not to mention his fielding, yeah… you stink…

still smiling…

Leah:  Oh Leah… track season is over for her I hear… she managed to finish without biting off her tongue (whew)  She says she will run again next spring, which is good!  She has a great attitude.  Ahem.  Yeah.  She has a great attitude.

She is in a play!  I got to watch it this morning, they did it for the 5th-8th grades.  She has been going to practice for it, after track practice, 3 days a week for about a month.  After seeing it today, I wonder why she needed all that practice!! LOL!! but that is okay, she did her homework while she sat there in her part!  (its called Fairy Tale Courtroom and she is a juror with 2 lines I believe!)

My nephew, Colton, has a main part, Big Bad Wolf, and Handsome Prince.  So it was fun to watch him!

They will show it for the public on Friday night.  Leah e-mailed her dad about the play.  So I suppose he will come.  (Lord, I really don’t want this to stress me out, so i need YOU to help me!)

Lucas:  Well, he’s been having some sleeping problems… He’s had lots since HSSH left.  But, lately he’s added having bladder problems along with it.  He kept having to go to the bathroom (feeling like it) so I took him in the the doctor yesterday.  The test came back without infection, but she gave him that drug that relaxes your bladder (and turns your pee orange)  Thankful for results and a boy who is sleeping better again. 

He got cut back from little league to minor league in baseball, so he will be the (by far) biggest kid on the team.  He was a little upset at first, but I think he will enjoy this one more year.  We’ve been getting out in the yard and throwing the ball, and he has improved much.  I think if we had practiced some before the season started he wouldn’t have gotten cut, but that’s okay.  (he is on a team now with my sister’s boy and we can carpool!)

Jadon:  Jadon’s been doing pretty good!  He just amazes me when I think about where we have come in a year with him (THANK YOU JESUS!!!!)  His first ball game is this Saturday, and he is in the last two weeks of preschool!

Kiahna:  Well, preschool went good this week.  Relief.  I am seeing progress.  I am believing in the power of Jesus to heal… and I am learning much about that.  It’s hard to understand it, healing is what she needs.  Not sure what all needs healed, but thankfully we don’t have to know or understand.

Pray with me that God continues to give us peace, hope, & faith for her healing.  As it did with Jadon, it may take time and have to be one of those things we look back on it to see the progress, but healing in her mind will come.  Is coming.  Has already in many was come.  More, Lord Jesus, More…

How’s that for a nice long update… thanks for reading… thanks for praying… thanks for standing with us in this time…

Love,

Pam

Is this the one?

Wave after wave of trial come at us as we walk this earth.

Some of the waves are so large and overpowering that they suck us in and under.

I've recovered from many of them.

God has proven Himself to be my life preserver.  To be my Savior.

I've been hit again... another wave... and I find my strength so small... I need His strength to boost me to the surface again...

And as I wait for that to happen...

I hope this isn't the wave that takes me under and keeps me there.

Pam

Monday, Monday…

Hi. 

I’ve been in such a rotten mood for the past day or so that I have not wanted to write and complain.

So, I’m not writing and complaining.

I’m writing to ask that you pray for me to get out of this slump.

To get through another week.

Another day.

Another hour.

You know that saying, “when mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”?  It works this way too.  When mama is a grump, everyone else seems to have a licence to be one too.

Deadly poison.

I am expecting to be back here giving testimony of God’s Grace coming through and lifting me up out of this pit again very soon.

For now… listen to the song on my music player called… “Love her like Jesus”

Love,

Pam

The only cure I found for depression

Back in the days when I used to feel like I felt yesterday pretty much every day.  I learned much about depression, anxiety, and frustration.  I found this little quote somewhere, and adopted it as my own.

Praising and Thanking God all day long are the only cure I've found for depression.

Medicine, exercise, food, talking with friends, getting away for awhile… those all help with the symptoms.  But, the cure always comes from gaining perspective over the circumstances by focusing on what I have, and being thankful for it rather than what I don’t have.

It has not been an easy road to figuring this out.  You may want to pat me on the back for the second post I did yesterday about gratitude.  But, it was only because I knew, from years of experience in the slimy, miry, pit of depression, that that was the ladder out.  My attitude stunk and I didn’t think I could do it, but I did.  And the depression did leave. 

I did cry.  I did get angry all over again at HSSH and the choices he made that have made our lives all divided up like they are.  At all the hurt he had caused with his selfish choices.  Anger is not a bad thing.  I’ve learned that too.  There is nothing wrong with feeling the emotion anger.  It’s learning what to do with that anger that is the tricky part.

Exercise is a great release for the anger.  Yelling and screaming and crying to the Lord, or a friend is a great release.  Being honest with myself, allowing myself to feel angry and upset is very freeing too.

So, I am putting the bike seat on my bike yesterday afternoon, and the tears came.  Tears of frustration, tears of self-pity, tears of anger.  Jadon looked at me and said, “are you crying?”  It’s hard to let them see me cry.  But, I think it is good too, it lets them know that this isn’t easy for me either.

Later when he figured out that some of the kids had went with dad and he didn’t get to go, it was his turn to get angry and cry.  I hope that I have taught him, mostly by example, healthy ways to deal with all the unfair things that happen to us.  It isn't fair.  It's downright wrong.  Yet, I can't change other people's choices.  As much as I'd like to fix all this I can't do this for my my kids. 

We went and picked up Dairy Queen for dinner.  We took it back to the park to eat it.  Neither kid ate even a bite of their food.  And then we took a long bike ride on the bike trails at the State Park, with Grandpa and Grandma.

Jadon riding ahead of us...

Kiahna in the seat behind me....

Jadon and Grandpa....

After coming back up out of the fog of depression and self-pity it can be hard to know how you ended up there again.  I've dealt with this whole visitation thing and the depression it brings so many times, how did I fall into that trap again.  I don't really know how.  I just know I don't want to go there again... but I know I will... and I know that I will get back out again... but by the Grace of God...

Come and listen, all you who fear God;
       let me tell you what he has done for me.

I cried out to him with my mouth;
       his praise was on my tongue.

If I had cherished sin in my heart,
       the Lord would not have listened;

but God has surely listened
       and heard my voice in prayer.

Praise be to God,
       who has not rejected my prayer
       or withheld his love from me!

Psalm 66:16-20

Pam