What’s up…

I was a pretty pathetic blogger in 2011… both here & on my business blog… It’s my hope to catch up my business blog over the next few months before work gets out of control busy again… & I hope to spend some time writing on this blog again too over the coming months.

I miss the days when I didn’t have my own business to run that keeps me from writing.  I miss writing.  I need to get that book published I guess so that I don’t have to work so hard! 

I love my business, I just struggle to keep a balance.  To say no to jobs that I know are going to put me over the edge of my schedule.  I think about 2012, about Zach becoming a senior, about the amount of time I want to spend working on the football mother’s club vs the amount of time I spend working for myself vs the care & time I need to spend parenting my children.

Today, I sit reflecting.  Wishing I had a husband to sit & reflect with.  Wishing I had a husband as an ally as I muddle through parenting.

2011 wasn’t a bad year for us, it was a challenge… as they all are.  There is so much joy when I think of James’ baptism.  Of Kiahna’s good days.  Of Leah’s happy heart.  Of Jadon’s excellent mind.  Of Zach’s football accomplishments.  Of Lucas’ quiet spirit.

They tend to be pushed to the side when I think of the struggling days Kiahna has had in school & I wonder how long the medication will last this time.  I think of the pain that is caused each day in my kids with their dad’s life choices.  I watch my daughter gain weight & over eat & I feel like I have no way of helping her.  I watch my son deal with so much anger it looks like it could take over his life at any moment & cause him to do something he will regret for a lifetime.

Then I remember how much God has been with us through all of this journey into singleness & loss of dad… how He has done exceeding abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined in James’ life… how He provides exceeding abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine in our finances… how not a day has gone by that He has left us on our own in this journey.  Not a second.

As my mind wavers back & forth between worry & trust… I strive to stay on the “trust” side better than I did last year.  That’s why I have chosen it as my One Word for 2012.  It’s going to be a challenge each day… I know this for sure. 

Have to go, my daughter is in need of some of my time in therapy… that’s another blog post…

Pam

One Word 2012

As each new year comes around, it brings all types of challenges from all directions to bring change & challenge for the upcoming year… this one caught my eye…

One Word 365

Asking God what one word He wants to use in your life in 2012.  No lists of items that need to be changed.  No goals that won’t be met any more this year than they were last year.  No set up for failure.  None of that.

Just one word.

I ignored the first few people I saw who were joining this adventure.  Figured it wasn’t something I was going to take part in.  Then I couldn’t do it any more, it was on my mind to choose a word, pray for a word, I needed a word.

Trust.

Trust because I am tired of  panicking over the issues that come my way. 

Trust because it’s time for me to believe that God is never going to let go of me.

Trust because the road is hard & full of pot holes & I am sick of worrying.

The other day we were in a therapy session, me, Jadon, Kiahna & our newest therapist (who happens to come to our house) Tricia.  Tricia had a game for us to play.  It involved each of us getting a pack of skittles & pouring some out in front of us & then having to answer a question for each skittle we get to eat… clever girl this Tricia.

The session was mostly focused on Jadon, helping him process his latest visit with his “dad”.  The question for the red skittles was to say something you were “worried” about for each red skittle you had poured out in front of you.

Kiahna struggles to understand the meaning of the concept of “worry”… Jadon struggles to admit what has him “worried”… Tricia states that I could probably come up with something for each of our red skittles to be worried about.

True.

But, that is not the place I wish to live.  A place riddled in worry.  A place riddled in fear.  Because worry comes from fear.  And trusting in God is all that casts out fear.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”                                                       Psalms 143:8

I know this.

Yet, I still worry.

I still get caught up in fear.

There is more than enough in each day of our lives here on earth to keep each of us very busy every day focused on all the things that are going wrong, could potentially go wrong, & all the people that are going the wrong way in our minds that we just want to “help” get going the right direction.

This I know.

This I wish to be rid of in my life.

Trust.

My one Word for 2012

Pam