A few realizations while turning 39…

I turned 39 yesterday, for the first time, really! 

My day was spent pretty much like I spend most of my days, running kids around, editing photos, keeping busy…

I don’t normally get over 100 face book notices telling me happy birthday, those are so fun!  I also don’t normally go out to eat twice in one day or get my meal free either!  That was great too!

What I do realize is that I am okay with having a birthday, I am glad I had things to do… when I don’t have things to do, I get very… what’s the word I want?  Agitated? Bored? Self Pity? Depressed?

Whatever word I want to use for it, it’s  not a good word & it’s not a good feeling… I know there are issues that are in need of healing in my heart… much like I see  in my children many times…

If we just keep busy enough, maybe we won’t have to deal with the pain of it all?  Maybe not…

Turning to God in our pain & asking for His miraculous healing… what else do I have?  Oh, yeah I could just keep really, really busy and then I won’t have to think about it… probably not.

The truth is I really don’t like being a single mom.  I don’t like having an X husband.  I don’t like that my children hurt.  Teenagers are challenging.  Adopted kids are difficult.  FAS is horrific to live with.  My life is harder than I want it to be.  I fear not being good enough of a photographer to keep busy.  I fear failing.  I fear losing.  I fear… so many things…

There.  That’s the truth.  I feel better.

^“ Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  -- John 8:32

I know this applies to the truth of God’s word… I believe it also applies to the truth about your life… because if we believe a lie we can’t be free…

Praying for God to show me all the places that I am believing lies… and for freedom that can only be found in HIM…

Pam

39

I’ll have to change my profile next year to 40 something… crazy how time flies… I turn 39 today… I don’t feel 39, whatever 39 feels like… sounds old…  I hear you are only as old as you feel… so I don’t feel old, so… ya…

I  took a group of 14 year old girls to the drive-in movies last night!  (see I am young!!)    This is our second time this summer to go to a drive-in.  It’s different, its fun, its like going back in time… I enjoyed it…

We don’t have a drive-in movie place close here anymore… pretty glad about that… I wouldn’t really want my teenagers hanging out there like we did when we were in high school.  Can’t say drive-in’s had that same feeling to me when I was young… in fact, I just noticed something… did you know, they play movies at the drive in!

Today I will spend the day driving my kids around… I do love doing that if I am really honest… Good thing, since we live 15 minutes from anywhere.  Summer school, football camp, allergy appointments… Lunch with my mom & sisters will be tucked in there…

Getting really close to finishing the editing the third wedding I shot this summer… I love it, the editing can get grueling… but it’s worth it!  I have another wedding in August & then no more weddings booked… it’s a little scary… hoping for some more weddings this fall.

Senior sessions are filling up though, I do enjoy those too… hoping I don’t get too old to relate to these kids.

If you talked to my seventeen year old you would be pretty sure I was the most ancient, old-fashioned, unreasonable, horrible mom in the world… he is definitely doing nothing for my business with his friends… big picture, he’s a mess, needs to find some healing… & he’s seventeen, trying to grow up in a house without a dad & pushing me away like I am his worst nightmare… not the highlight of my life right now.

It’s very hard to continue to show love & support when kids act like he is acting.  Unfortunately, I have first hand experience with being a teen that acted much that way, so I do get it… & unfortunately, that brings fears up in my heart… But, I have a great example in my parents & how they handled me when I was going through a tough stage… they are so amazing.

So, spending lots of time working on football club stuff, part of the group that is in charge, designing tickets, updating names & addresses, updating newsletters, organizing the ticket sales, designing a t-shirt.  I enjoy it a lot… looking forward to football season. Two-a-days start next week.  I’ll have 2 boys playing.

Lucas’ first year playing.  He was excited when he went to camp this week and they put him in into James’ position he played… it will be fun to see him play for the 7th grade team.

I’ve rambled on long enough I guess… yes, it’s my birthday… life is pretty good & normal… whatever that is when you have 6 children & own your own business… & I do love it, exhausting as it is!

Pam

A Baptism & a Mohawk…

I love my boys dearly…

There are moments where I couldn’t be more proud of the choices they are making & moments when I just want to go hide under a rock…

Had both of those this past week…

A few weeks ago, James called me & told me that he felt like he was ready & it was time for him to be baptized.  He said he wanted Grandpa to baptize him on his 20th birthday in the lake while we were on vacation.

For our family, that’s not exactly the way we normally have our baptisms.  We normally have them in a church… and in our church it has the dual meaning of becoming a member of our church at the same time you are baptized.

So, there were a few “in the box” thoughts that had to be swept away by a few of us.

One thing none of us really knew was what was happening in James life that was bringing him to this place?  Since he isn’t living at home this summer & contact had only been a few phone calls over the past month, it sure had my curiosity peaked as to what God was doing in James.

My dad traveled to BC to meet with James the week before vacation to find out what was happening in his life & hear his testimony.

Dad came back very excited about what God was doing in James’ heart, but didn’t share much, because he wanted James to be able to share it with us himself.

So, on Sunday night, after the littlest kids were put to bed.  James shared his story of what God had been up to the past few years with our family (my 3 sisters, their husbands, grandpa & grandma, & the older kids).  Some of the things were quite surprising to me… anger towards his dad & God being on the top of the surprise list.  He always appeared to have much more of ahold on his feelings than he expressed he did.

How God worked out for James to be at Bethel College & what a blessing that has been… its mind blowing.

The girl that James is dating, Brookelyn (Brooke), was there too.  She is a gem of a girl.  It was really nice to have her there for the first part of the week & get to know her better.  If she is the one that James marries one day, I will be very pleased with that! 

Then on Tuesday, his 20th birthday, James was baptized in the lake by his grandpa with all of us watching on the sides… it was an incredibly emotional, special, amazing experience for me as a mom…

James went back to BC for the rest of the summer, he is working at another camp this week & I am excited to see what God does next!!

(oh, & he decided not to get another tattoo!  THANKS TO BROOKE!!)

And… he shaved his brother’s head into a mohawk the next day…

This one looked cute with it…

This one, not so much…

uhg…

I admit, I was incredibly mad when he did it to Zach.

It was right before the baptism & I could so see satan’s attempt to steal away my joy… ugh… so mad…

I still think he looks really dumb with it, but he’s 17 & one day he will grow up, have children (and probably no hair at all!)  and I will bring out these photos & we will all have a really good laugh!! 

Uhg.

Pam