This morning’s newsfeed…

Deep sigh…

This morning an article showed up in my newsfeed How to stay sane & survive fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.  Wow, who came in to my house & read my mind & wrote this article? 

Some of the challenges in dealing with the severe meltdowns that we have here center around #1 my fear of her hurting someone else or herself so I step in & intervene & things escalate.

#2 when the meltdowns, poor behavior, language happen around other people who then in turn will either try to “help” me with her or I begin to feel like I should be doing something more or different than what I am to make sure that this behavior stops.

Did this  yesterday.  Twice. Family vacation is ahead, I know it’s going to be difficult. 

When you look at Kiahna without much knowledge of FASD, Autism, SPD or ADHD… all you can see is a spoiled, mouthy brat.  She should be “disciplined” she “shouldn’t be getting away with this” she “is a product of being raised by a single mom” she “just needs a good strong father figure to discipline her” she “needs a spanking”…

Well, some days I fall into that line of thinking.  Those are the really bad days.  The days that nothing gets better & things just get worse & worse.

Understanding that there is a disconnect between “cause” & “effect”… that the same lessons must be learned over & over & over again.  That the level of maturity of her brain is not that of someone who is almost 8, but more in line of her 3 year old cousin.

If you didn’t link over to the article I mentioned in the beginning, here is a photo from that article, that maybe you have or haven’t seen…

Absolutely heart breaking.

I like how Jeff says he has a copy of this photo in his wallet to take out & look at to remind him.

Part of me really still struggles to believe that my beautiful little girl really has this kind of life long disability.

But her growing behavior issues…okay, maybe they aren’t really growing, but maybe the fact that she is growing & the behaviors are just looking more & more awkward because the “average 8  year old” would not act that way.

I really have no idea what I am doing or how we are going to get through this.  I can’t tell you how.

Our needs are much prayer support.  Physical support if it can be done with a knowledge of FAS & it’s buddies.  Emotional support.  Respite.  Education for all of us.  Wisdom.  Protection for all of us. And more prayer.

Pam

So, what is it?

I have been learning a lot on the road of life… Not things I ever dreamed I’d learn.  Or ever had any desire to learn.  It’s good things.  Things that I never knew I needed to learn. 

God has a way of doing that when we have the desire to do what He has asked of us.  Funny how simple it feels to pray that prayer & then how hard it is to actually live out a life that does that.

Been struggling with trust again.  Been struggling to try to figure out things that I just might not ever figure out.

You probably know that my youngest daughter was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome a few years ago.  More recently we have added Sensory processing disorder to her diagnosis.  And now we are on the verge of adding an Autism label to her list.

A new therapist we have began working with puts it well when she says “it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you still have to deal with the behaviors”… so true.

The humanness in me want to get a name to it.  Then I want it fixed.  I want a solution.  I want a pill. 

Uhg.

Sorry, if this is a repeat for many of you to read again. 

I feel like I am learning more & more about her… but still have a boat load of things that I don’t understand, & I don’t know if I will ever understand.

This is what I know.

• Transitions are hard
• Change is hard
• Language understanding & communication & comprehension are hard
• social interaction is hard
• friendships are hard
• judging right & wrong choices is hard
• overstimulation leads to melt down tantrums
• she is getting stronger & her violent outbursts are getting scarier
• medication is not helping much at all
• Shes on a ton of vitamins & it’s hard to know if they are helping much.  The best one I have found has been Gaba.
• Shes extremely defiant & strong willed.
• there is no cure
• emotionally she is at about the 2-4 year old range.  She has matured in the past year for sure, but still isn’t where she should be.
• Occupational Therapy is extremely helpful.  It’s needed on a very regular basis… sometimes every 15 minutes depending on what is going on.
• When she’s having a tantrum if I pray she says things that make me feel there is a very real Spiritual aspect to this also.

I am in way over my head, I know that.  I have been blessed with incredible support at school, but they feel over their heads too many times.  We have began work with a new counseling/therapy place & discontinued working with the one we were with after months of really know progress & 3 people leaving that facility.

Specific prayer requests.

• Help, healing & support for all of us.
• Wisdom
• Safety for her & those around her when she goes into tantrum mode.
• A MIRACLE

“God lead us to Your plans & Your path for this baby girl.  You have a plan.  We need help to know how to follow that plan.  Bring us the help & support that You have for us.  Open the door that no man can open & close the doors that do not lead us to the things that are Your will”

Pam

A Mother’s Day post

I’ve been absent again… too much to do to take the time to sit down to write about it all again…

It’s Mother’s Day.  It’s been good.  I ordered a gift for my mom early…

It was a gallery wrap of all of us on the beach this spring break…

She’s easy to buy for, pictures of her family are her love… she is everything that anyone could want in a mom.  Devoting all her life to her family.  We are blessed indeed.

Mother’s Day as a single mom is something that I have tried very hard over the years to not lose my focus.  I keep my expectations low… & then I get some surprises.  Leah got up and made breakfast… all the boys remembered to at least say “Happy Mother’s Day” so that was good.

Its good.  I don’t need things.  I don’t need attention.  I don’t love the day.  I have learned not to let myself get worked up with unmet expectations.  It’s a trap. It’s from hell.  It’s not where I am going to let myself go.

Yet, I found myself in the midst of the day, dealing with my daughter & her emotions.  Her tantrums that have been on the rise.  Her anger.  I found myself weeping.  Unable to stop.  Unable to let the disappointment go.  Not necessarily because of the day, but perhaps that why it was harder.  I was working so hard to keep myself under control & not give in to those unmet expectations.

Kiahna’s behaviors have grown worse.  I have been working with medications yet again to try to help her level out.  I thought I had it figured out.  Today when she ran from me in church and hit me & told me how much she hated me.  It was sheer disappointment that ran through me.  I thought I had figured out what was going to help my baby girl. 

I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s going to help her.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know how long I can keep parenting her with these fits of anger.  I just don’t know.

I know the ONE who does know.  He seems a little quiet & slow to my human mind on this one. 

I am trying to wrap my head around parenting a child who is showing more & more autism signs.  Keep her sensory needs met, especially when she refuses the treatment, which is virtually impossible unless I just let her run & chase after her… which works here at home, but not so much in church in heels & with people watching.  UHG

She’s a gorgeous girl.  We recently got her hair relaxed.  She looks so much older.  If only there was a way to do that same thing to her heart & mind.  Relax.

 

 

Prayers are needed…. Thanks so much.

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

In between the blog posts

So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.

Like last night.  Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me.  It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point.  It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.

My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard.  I am considering screaming.  Praying for peace.  Unsure of what to think.  Knowing it isn’t my choice.  Hating that feeling.

Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg.  No seizure activity the doctor says.  We can try a new med.  You can see this doctor next.  I can pound my head against a wall.  I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends.  I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her.  I can cry.  I can become extremely afraid.  I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation.  I can pray.  I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction.  I can pray again.

Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…

Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children.  Fighting against it.

Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad.  Wondering what the best is.  Wanting to ring his neck.  Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again.  Thankful for the little child support checks.

Needing to do a medication change for Jadon.  Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early. 

Clean up some puke.

Order some new flooring.

Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.

Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.

Hope.

Pray.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

Cry.

Fear.

Rest.

Overwhelm.

Grace.

Strength.

Endurance.

Life.

Death.

Peace.

Storms.

This is the stuff.

Pam

I ache for you son…

“Once they hand me that diploma & I walk out of that school everything will be okay in my life” 

“The problem is them.  They all hate me.  They all want to ruin my life.  They are out to get me”

My heart aches to see you find healing, son…

My head spins with all the things I want you to know & understand about life…

You won’t find happiness in the next stage in life if you don’t find it here.  It isn’t going to come from getting your diploma.  It isn’t going to come from a girl.  A college.  A wedding.  A baby.  A job.  A move.

It’s only going to come from within your heart, when you choose to let Jesus Christ come in & heal the broken hurting places.  When you choose joy in the midst of the world that hurts.  When you put others before yourself.

Without it you will only go through life hurting & hurting others.

“I don’t believe you”

I know.  I’ve lived.  I’ve watched.  I’ve hurt.  I’ve been hurt.

Just say the words “I am angry at my dad for what he did to me, I am angry that he isn’t here for me now.  I am angry that I don’t have his support in my life”… say the words out loud…

“I have said the words.  There is this one teacher who likes me & I have talked to her every day last week”

“I just need to talk to this one girl again, she will listen to me”

Am I not listening to you son?  Because I have an opinion about what you are saying I am not listening?  Are you going to go to someone who will tell you that everything you say is right & everyone around you is wrong?  Are you just looking for people to agree with you?  Other angry people will.

This has been a hard road.  Everything that has happened has changed all of us forever.  We will be dealing with the things that this has done to us for the rest of our lives.  I believe that.  There is forgiveness to give & bitterness to fight every day because the betrayal continues.

I watch my son get lost in it all… I ache.

Prayers change as children grow up & the control we once had, or felt like we had… the voice that we had that they could hear that they no longer can hear… My prayer for my grown(ing) up sons… I am so glad YOU are their FATHER… YOU got this right?  I can rest?  YOU know what to do… I believe You…

Aching for my son.

Pam

Pondering…

Thinking about how quickly life can change…

My neighbors & friends found out last night that their unborn baby is no longer living… just 2 weeks before delivery.

They called & asked me to come & photograph.

As I write this, I am waiting to be called up to the hospital.  They started labor, but things are progressing very slow.

One of the brother’s made a comment about “praying for a miracle today”.

Got my mind rolling.

I wonder if we miss the miracle sometimes.  Do we miss it because we are so focused on what we want the miracle to look like that we can’t see the actual miracle?

I think we do.

I know I have.

Because the miracle that comes from having God so near during times that feel like they are going to crush you with pain, that instead of being destroyed you feel peace… it’s hard to swallow sometimes.  We don’t want that to be our miracle.  We want the miracle of life restored.  We don’t want life to hurt so much.  We don’t want babies to die, husbands to leave, people to hurt us…

But.  If we never get the chance to experience God’s peace that passes all understanding in the midst of searing pain that we know should be killing us with it’s very intensity… how will we ever know God’s power in our lives.  We won’t.  We would have any need for it.

It’s in doing the impossible things in our lives that we can know He is a God of impossibilities…

As much as it hurts.

May we walk through this life, in awe of God’s power in the events that we feel are impossible. Giving Him glory & honor & praise for all things.  Good & bad.

Pray for Trevor & Rachel. 

Peace.  Grace.  Love.  Hope.  Restoration.

Pray God provides amazing memories of this child for them through the lens of my camera… I’ve never done anything like this before.

Pam

My thoughts on divorce… 6 years after I got one.

It’s gotten easier.  My heart no longer races with the thought of him being in the near area… My palms don’t sweat & I don’t panic with what I will say or how I will say it.

Of course that all probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that we see him so rarely.

When we do see him these days, I feel… resentment.  hatred.  bitterness.  anger. unbelievable thoughts of how much a person can change for the worse & believe they are better, self righteousness of how much better a person & parent I am than he is.

I struggle.

Struggle to feel the things I believe are “right” to feel.  The things that I believe God would want me to feel. 

!!NEWS FLASH!!

If satan hasn’t succeeded in using a circumstance to make you bitter for six years, he will not give up.  He will continue to try to use that circumstance to make you bitter.  To make you turn on God. To lie to you and say that God has not been faithful to you.

I hate that news.

I have plenty of reasons to hate this circumstance & this person.  Plenty of reason for bitterness.  For anger.  For resentment. For self-righteousness.

I could list them.

Oh, how I want to list them.

To make you hate him like I do when I dwell on these “facts”.

Uhhhhhh….

--------------------------------------

I need a minute…

Or two…

I need to take everyone of these thoughts & feelings & fears & angers & frustrations & proud thoughts… & throw them away.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  --Matthew 5:43-48

I wish there was a way to stop the thoughts from coming.  To not feel what I do when he comes around or when my kids talk about him or ask about him.  I wish.  But, it’s not possible to not feel.  It’s what you do with the feelings.  It’s where you let them take you.  The road to bitterness & hatred is well traveled & very easy to begin down.

The road to peace & healing is harder to see.  I’ve only found it in the Word of God.  It’s so easy to get distracted off of.  So easy.

Dear God, help me.  I give you every one of these hurts in my heart.  The disappointments.  The fears.  The anger.  The injustice.  The pride.  The human thoughts that make me see such a small picture & the lies that say this is all so unfair.  I give you every one.  I believe You are still a God that heals.  A God that brings beauty out of ashes.  Over & over again.  You have never left or forsaken us.  You won’t now.  You won’t let the evil win.  You have a plan for each of our lives.  My children will not be destroyed because of their dad’s sin.  Or their mom’s.  It’s by Your grace we are not consumed by this… It’s by Your grace that each of us have not been destroyed.  It’s by Your grace & mercy that good will come out of this.  I never imagined or dreamed of such a hard & hurtful road for my family.  It’s so easy to look around & feel like it’s so unfair.  It’s so easy to look at what Jim does each day of his life & feel so very very very angry & hateful.  So easy.  Dear God, I don’t want to live in a place where I hate anyone.  I don’t want to live in a place where I feel resentment over what anyone else has that I don’t.  I don’t want to be proud or self-righteous… I just want You.  I just want to do what You want.  What You’ve called me to.  I don’t want to miss it, because I was chasing down anger & bitterness…  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Pam

A very quick update

Hello, I am so sad that I don’t get over here to write more often.  I am not lacking in things to write about, just time to write them.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Kiahna’s behavior continues to bring great concern & tribulation to our lives.  We are learning many things, and getting help, it’s just a painfully slow process that is filled with many bad experiences for her, me, her teachers, classmates…

I am leaning hard on God’s Word & His promises.  Praying for the grace to believe that He is ABLE to do exceeding abundantly more than I could even ask or imagine.  That I am ABLE to do this through Christ who gives me strength.  That HE is faithful & willing to give out HIS wisdom to all who ask…

Believing that.  Living that.  Walking that out.  In the face of many bad days & much discouraging behaviors.  Feeling like you find the solution only to then turn & feel that the rug is pulled out from under you because the behavior returns.

I am headed to conferences this morning.  There are 2 big meetings in the coming weeks as we once again try as a team to find the right help & resources to help Kiahna succeed at life.

Thank you for praying.

Pam

A few realizations while turning 39…

I turned 39 yesterday, for the first time, really! 

My day was spent pretty much like I spend most of my days, running kids around, editing photos, keeping busy…

I don’t normally get over 100 face book notices telling me happy birthday, those are so fun!  I also don’t normally go out to eat twice in one day or get my meal free either!  That was great too!

What I do realize is that I am okay with having a birthday, I am glad I had things to do… when I don’t have things to do, I get very… what’s the word I want?  Agitated? Bored? Self Pity? Depressed?

Whatever word I want to use for it, it’s  not a good word & it’s not a good feeling… I know there are issues that are in need of healing in my heart… much like I see  in my children many times…

If we just keep busy enough, maybe we won’t have to deal with the pain of it all?  Maybe not…

Turning to God in our pain & asking for His miraculous healing… what else do I have?  Oh, yeah I could just keep really, really busy and then I won’t have to think about it… probably not.

The truth is I really don’t like being a single mom.  I don’t like having an X husband.  I don’t like that my children hurt.  Teenagers are challenging.  Adopted kids are difficult.  FAS is horrific to live with.  My life is harder than I want it to be.  I fear not being good enough of a photographer to keep busy.  I fear failing.  I fear losing.  I fear… so many things…

There.  That’s the truth.  I feel better.

^“ Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  -- John 8:32

I know this applies to the truth of God’s word… I believe it also applies to the truth about your life… because if we believe a lie we can’t be free…

Praying for God to show me all the places that I am believing lies… and for freedom that can only be found in HIM…

Pam

In need of a change…

My sweet daughter is so hard sometimes…

The disease that she lives with is so hard to figure out & so hard to medicate…

Her moods are all over the place without meds… and her meds help sometimes… other times they don’t… they wear off & life becomes incredible hard for her…

Hearing “no” is a tragedy in her mind… it puts her over the edge & she can’t pull herself back in on her own…

Extremely hard…

The adjustment to our summer schedule has been very challenging… she loved kindergarten & her teacher & her routine…

She’s even said, “I want my school back”…

It will be here soon enough… but in the mean-time we have to survive…

Going for a meds check tomorrow & probably will change something… please pray for us… vacation next week… that’s another thing that is just hard on her… which makes it hard on me… which isn’t vacation…

Pam

What to do?

Once again, I’ve neglected my blog… It’s definitely not for lack of things to talk about… I just lack the time to write I guess…

Then I become so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start or what to say… so the pattern repeats…

My days are full to the brim with kids activities… driving many miles with rising gas prices… yard work that overwhelms… appointments… tantrums… learning… ever learning…

I wonder if it’s time for my family to make a physical move?  Is it time for us to live closer to where we are constantly going?  There is no reprieve in sight from the hours it takes on the road to live the lives we live… nor the price of the gasoline to get us there.

Leaves, weeds, sticks, branches & grass that grows & falls uncontrollably… once a pleasure to tend to has now become a burden on my back… a task I enjoy, sitting taunting me because I don’t have the time to enjoy it.

A child with needs that seems to have needs that will grow in time, not lessen… issues that won’t be grown out of… damage that is done… that is going to take a team for many, many years… how can I do this all?

Older children… longing for my attention… hurting… struggling to grow up in a world full of choices to be made… how do I fill all the needs.  I can’t be everything for them… I can’t do all that I would like to do.  They make mistakes & I panic…

Would a physical move be the best?  But, what of the restrictions of smaller property?  Neighbors close by who may not understand that my children are not used to such restrictions?  More people around us is good or bad?

Fears to overcome.

Not just my own fears.  But the fears of those around me.

What is best?  Where do You want us?  How do I do this?  What am I doing that I shouldn’t be doing?  Why is there never enough time?  Why is there never enough energy?  Why is there never enough of me to go around?  Why am I not enough? 

Sinking in to my Lord & Savior… trying to grasp a little more each year who He is… Who He is to me… Who He is to my family… Who He wants to be that I don’t know how to let Him be… Who I am trying to be that I am not supposed to be…

Praying for God to show me what is mine to do & what is His… Each day.

Happy Easter!  He is Risen… oh that I could grasp what that means for me.

Pam

All the posts I should have written all month…

I seem to have lost the time I used to take to write here on the blog…I miss it, not sure where to find it again, but I’d like to…

Jadon just put in “Let me hold you longer” on CD (by Karen Kingsbury), now I am crying… remembering why I started writing in this blog… needing to keep it up… the memories go by so fast.

James is in Florida, with 7 other friends from college.  He came home on Friday to pick up a large van we rented for them to take… I admit I have concerns… praying a lot this week that they aren’t enticed by the temptations they are going to have all around them & the freedom of being on their own with no accountability.

BC has “life-style covenants” that the students have to sign… wrong choices could mean the loss of scholarships & that would be really bad.  He definitely couldn’t continue there without his scholarships.

He has a girl he is really liking there.  We have met her 2 times briefly.  It’s so strange to have him involved with someone we don’t know at all.  She appears to be a great girl… they are just so young yet… always concerns.

BC has been experiencing some amazing revival things… Not seeing that James has really “caught” the fire yet… praying he will… praying, praying, praying…

He got a summer job with the college, he will be working with summer camps for Missionary church’s around the country.  He will receive a tuition reduction & some cash.  We will miss him being home, but it will be a great experience for him I think.  He’ll be home in May for the month & then another week in the summer, which we hope will be the one we will spend at the lake in July.

He’s doing very well, I have many things to be excited & proud of him about… I just see the enemy prowling around trying to “steal, kill & destroy”… and I pray…

Zach finished his season of basketball last night.  It was successful… he does such a good job.  Plays with a lot of passion & drive.  I am told over and over by other parents how much they enjoy watching him play. 

Last week when we went to watch James run in an indoor track meet, apparently Zach was supposed to be home working in the concession stands for an AAU tournament to raise money for the basketball team’s trip.  Zach had asked a friend to cover his time for him he said, but had failed to tell the coach what was going on.

This resulted in the coach “disciplining” Zach by benching him for a game. 

I am the first to admit that Zach has “attitude”.  He comes across as a cocky, confident, on-top-of-the-world, kid.  Reality is the exact opposite… it isn’t always easy for coaches & teachers to view him that way. 

My own personal opinion is that Zach was not treated the same way that the coach would have treated other kids on the team in the same position… I keep my opinion to myself… especially around Zach.  He already knows & says the same thing.  I encourage respect for coaches & hope Zach learns life lessons that will take him far… the world we live in is far from fair, people have favorites & people are misunderstood.

Zach has a new girlfriend.  She goes to the school just south of us.  She saw him at a ball game and added him to fb & they started talking.  He is “infatuated” to say the least! 

Rachel is a very nice girl, she’s into photography, so her & I have a lot in common! I trust the 2 of them ZERO when they are together, they are both way too “into” each other…

More praying… lots more praying…

Lot’s of reminders of what it was like to be their age and madly in love… which spurs lots of fears in my heart for my son… which I am trying to turn into praying…

Zach & I struggle to get along many days… he’s a lot different to raise that James was… He’s a lot like I was at that age… which scares the living day-lights out of me… must pray.  must pray.  must pray.

In the next 2 weeks Zach will turn his focus heavily on the musical at school.  He has a large lead for a sophomore.  Tons of speaking passages that are long… he’s getting them, but wow!  I am excited to see that performance in the middle of March!

Leah’s ready for high school.  Middle school is so “immature” ya know!  Things are going okay with her.  I feel like I lose touch with her so easily… Lose her to that stupid Ipod… I hate those things. 

Planning to spend some time with just her today.  Looking forward to reconnecting.

She’s doing great in school, works hard at it… much harder than the boys have worked… urhg…

Well, I am going to end this update for now… need to go get ready for church… I hope to continue real soon with what’s up with the other 3!!

Thanks for reading!

Pam

A better week

Last week was better.

Less fits.

Less anger.

Less overwhelming frustration & panic.

That last one was about me.

First 3 were about Kiahna.

To what do I credit it? 

God. Prayers. Promises Kept.

God’s brought us a better, more knowledgeable counselor, and the means to pay for it.

God’s closed the door on one doctor for medication & opened the door for another with  much more expertise with K’s disability.

God’s provided a school full of teacher’s and administrator’s who love Kiahna & are doing so much to help her.

God’s giving us (ME) the willpower to remove sugar from our diet, along with food coloring.

God’s teaching me to understand more about how Kiahna’s brain processes the world & alleviating my frustration levels.

God’s created medications that are helping a little bit.  Still waiting on Him to open the door with the insurance to approve for the med to be given the way the doctor prescribed & the way that was helping.

Encouraged by K using words to request her preferences rather than just getting angry.

But, realizing that most of the time she still cannot regulate her moods & will take a small issue and make it into s mountain so quickly.

And something that was a small issue one day will be a huge issue the next.  Very unpredictable.

We have a long road ahead… one that may last her lifetime in one way or another… but unlike last weekend, this week I’ve had a few glimmers of hope.

God is Good.

Pam

Icy Winter musings…

I took this photo Sunday morning when we had all that freezing frost…

Lots going through my mind tonight…

It’s almost 1/3 of the way through the winter…

No school today because of and ice storm last night…

I’ve exercised every day for the past 15 days…

I joined a fitness center for the first time in my life 2 weeks ago…

I believe it might be what is keeping me sane at the moment…

Got the call back from the testing place in Chicago for Kiahna… now must figure out if I am doing this testing how I am going to pay for it…

Her behaviors seem to be getting harder and harder to deal with & have required more changes at school & learning at home…

She’s responding well to the changes at school…

I have a lot to learn at home…

It would have been our 20 year wedding anniversary today…

Lots of things to think about…

Praise the Lord… He never changes… Has all things under control… and is never surprised…

Pam

Back to school…

The kids went back to school on Wednesday.

Kiahna refused to get out of the van on Wednesday.  And on Thursday.

Today she got out in the car pool lane without a fit.  Good news!

Her behaviors continue to be a huge concern. 

Put her back on the medication she was on before the last one we tried.  She seems to be just as angry off the medication as she is on it.  At least on the medication she is calmer & less impulsive.  We will see how long this lasts.

Her neurologist no longer takes our insurance.  Found that out yesterday.

Taking her to her new therapist today.  She doesn’t take our insurance either.

A week from today we are meeting at school to go over her IEP.  The special ed teacher admitted to me today that Kiahna is the first diagnosed FAS child she has worked with.

UHG.

DEAR GOD…. HELP!!!!

James went back to college on Wednesday too.  It was really nice to have him home.  It went well.  He’s maturing a lot and I am really proud of him.

Track meets start up for him next weekend.  We will try to get to some of them, many of them are hours away from here. 

Zach is 16 & 180 days today.  Officially old enough to take his drivers test & get his license. 

This could be good or bad.  We will see won’t we. 

(repeat above prayer here)

Leah’s birthday is Monday.  She will be 14.  She is planning a party for next weekend.  Wants to have boys and girls. 

shudder.

pray above prayer again.

I purchased a family membership to the new wellness center about 5 miles from our house. 

I’ve walked/ran 10 miles this week.  Swam some laps too.  Mentally I can see a big improvement in myself.  Physically, my body is screaming some things I can’t repeat on this family blog. 

It will be good for us all.

Better diet.  More exercise.  Good things.

Pam

First day of the new year…

How are you spending your first morning of this year?

I am looking through recipe books.  Finding recipes that don’t contain milk, white flour, or sugar.

Needing to buy some groceries.

Needing to pack food & clothing for our little family trip that we are going on tomorrow.

Wanting to feel positive and encouraged about the new year.

The old one ended quickly when we tried to spend some time with a large group of friends and my 6 year old bit someone.

My 6 year old who I have recently been told has FASD.  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

As I read and educate myself, I see her fitting more and more into this box.

I find myself fighting tears as I realize this is our life.  It’s not going to suddenly be something she “grows out of”.

I want to get her a t-shirt with a full explanation on the back of her hidden disability & how she really isn’t a bad kid.

As she makes the dog growl for millionth time at my feet.

I met with a new counselor this past week.  One who I believe will help me & her learn & deal with this disability.

I learned of a place in Chicago where I can take her and have a full neuro-physc screening done, that is supposed to be able to tell us what parts of her brain are working properly and which ones aren't.

Those things are encouraging.

When school starts back up again next week we will set up a meeting with all the people who work with her.  We will make her a new IEP based on her new diagnosis.

Will school get better?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

We just tried our 5th medication on her to try to alleviate some of the symptoms.  Fail.

I am learning that FAES is brain damage. 

Diet changes seem to help many people with FAES.  (why I am going through the recipe books)

Neurotransmitters that send messages from the right to left & vice versa sides of the brain don’t fire like they should.  Medications don’t absorb like they should.

Everyone with these disorder is different, because whatever was developing the day that the substance was abused is what was damaged.

I need help.

I know God is providing it. 

Meanwhile, part of me is so hurting.  Grieving.  Aching.  Angry.

Pam

Pray.

I woke up this morning to the news that the son of some good friends was killed in a car accident.

Kipp is the second son of Cary & Amy B*la*ke. 

I guess I met this family when I was a junior in high school', and they came to AC as a teacher and a secretary.

From there, I started babysitting their youngest 2 boys when Zach & their youngest, Kurt, were only 1 year old.

Zach and Kurt are very good friends.

Kurt has really been struggling lately with life choices.

Zach likes to follow.

Amy and I have had lots of long talks lately.

Amy & Cary were on a trip with their 3rd son this weekend when tragedy struck.

Kipp & Kurt were working at the school cleaning after the ball game.  They headed home.

Kurt went to a friends house, but had a bad feeling about his brother so he called him.  No answer.  Went looking for him. 

Kurt and “a lady” (at this point Amy doesn’t know who it was) found Kipp in the field dead.

They say he might have slipped on some ice.  Rolled his car 3 times.  Died “instantly”.

I took their family photo last fall…

I took them when I was first starting out, and I have been wishing all day that they were a little better quality.

Amy had ordered a few proofs but hadn’t gotten around to making an order of some larger photos for the family… I ordered her some this morning, I hope to have them framed before the viewing.

I took Zach over there for a couple hours today.  I spent some time talking to Amy. 

This is so hard.

I asked her what I could do for her,  she said “Just pray, You’re my prayer warrior”.

Trying to live up to that…

Mostly it just been groans and tears today…

Please pray for this family this week.

And hug your kids & tell them you love them.

Pam

The blog post I don’t have time to write

If I had time to write a blog post today, which I don’t. I’d ask for you to be prayerful with me for my children.  Their dad is turning 40 this weekend.  His wife called and is wanting to pick up the kids to surprise him on his birthday.  So, they are planning to be with them on Sunday for a few hours.  Nice gesture.  They haven’t went with them since a few hours after James’ graduation, and before that last Christmas.  It’s hard.  I am trying to have a good attitude.  Trying to do the right thing.  That’s taking God’s Grace for sure. 

James has a big test today.  Big enough that if he fails it could really hurt his future at the college he is at.  Please pray for him.  He doesn’t communicate very well with me, I hope he is studying.  He says he is.  It’s a hard stage in life for me with him.  One I am still adjusting to.

Zach is just struggling tremendously.  So much attitude.  So many poor choices lately.  He has me extremely concerned.  Praying that he has discernment to see truth & not believe lies.  To make better friend choices.  To say “no” when he knows he should.  All things he hasn’t been doing so well at. 

Kiahna is not doing all that well in school.  She is having problems doing what the teacher asks.  That just doesn’t work.  Teacher is doing great with her.  We are trying another medication.  Just praying for the wisdom to know how to help her.

Praying for my kids teachers, coaches, people around them to see where my kids hurt & where their behavior is about that hurt more than just choosing to be bad.  Praying that God is the Father to the fatherless as He has promised.  Praying for the truth.  Praying God’s plans played out in my kids lives.  Praying that what the enemy intended to kill, steal, & destroy from us is used for God’s Glory in each of us.

Even that “hopeless” man who is turning 40 this weekend.

 

Pam

Fall Break

Last weekend we to visit James at college… took a hike… enjoyed the beautiful fall weather…

Leah helping Kiahna when she was “done” walking…

Huge leaf… mad girl. 

I think that walking stick is a little large Lucas…

No photos of James.  How did that happen?

Zach went on a trip with Campus Life instead of going with us.

Not in a real good place with Zach right now.  Prayers appreciated.

Pam