So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.
Like last night. Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me. It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point. It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.
My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard. I am considering screaming. Praying for peace. Unsure of what to think. Knowing it isn’t my choice. Hating that feeling.
Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg. No seizure activity the doctor says. We can try a new med. You can see this doctor next. I can pound my head against a wall. I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends. I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her. I can cry. I can become extremely afraid. I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation. I can pray. I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction. I can pray again.
Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…
Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children. Fighting against it.
Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad. Wondering what the best is. Wanting to ring his neck. Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again. Thankful for the little child support checks.
Needing to do a medication change for Jadon. Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early.
Clean up some puke.
Order some new flooring.
Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.
Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.
Hope.
Pray.
Laugh.
Love.
Live.
Cry.
Fear.
Rest.
Overwhelm.
Grace.
Strength.
Endurance.
Life.
Death.
Peace.
Storms.
This is the stuff.
Pam
4 comments:
Forget the judgement, you don't know they're thinking it, and if they are it's a reflection on them, not you. You are a terrific mom and you're doing your absolute best with your kids. That being said, you can't make them behave like you'd like them to behave, none of us can. You do your best to guide them, but their decisions are theirs.
On the National Guard, I get how you feel. But you're right, it's not your choice, and if he does do it, you should be proud. Hopefully with the wars winding down he will be safe. Scary stuff, to be sure.
So sorry for the road Zach's travelling. I hope he finds peace and stability soon, for all your sakes. Unfortunately, I don't believe you can make your ex be a dad. You can only control you and the kids probably would not be better for it.
Sorry too about Kiahna. Praying you find the right kind of help. Good luck with Jadon.
So much on your plate and shoulders. Try to take care of yourself. It's a lot for anyone to deal with.
Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. I'm always here if you want to unload in an email.
Keep holding on to Jesus, and know that He is carrying your pain with you.
As for the National Guard? While we certainly did not encourage or even consider a military career for our older sons, our eldest served 4 years in the Army (with 2 1/2 years spent on the "front lines" in Iraq). Our #2 son is an officer in the Navy, currently at flight school to be a pilot. We are so very proud of both of them, and the choice that they made.
Behavior? You are not the cause of poor behavior. Your older bio. kids have made a few poor choices. They were given their own free will by God. Your younger adoptive kids have HUGE issues caused by the trauma before, during, and after the adoption. It is NOT your fault.
You are an AWESOME MAMA ... doing the VERY BEST that you can do. Keep loving ... keep praying ... keep giving your kids up to Jesus. He is holding them, as He is holding you.
Hugs!
Laurel
hope I didn't offend. each person is different of course, just wanted to offer what works for me. I have read your blog for years and have told your story to others for no other reason than to give you props for being so strong. Jesus has your back ; )
thanks again for the supportive comments ladies... & you definitely didn't offend "girl child".
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