Choosing to blog to get my thoughts in order?

Might not be the best choice?  Maybe I won’t publish?

Kiahna has went from “horrific” to “very manageable” over the past week.  I give the credit to God & the prayers.  He gives wisdom when we ask.  He keeps me asking.

Took her off of one medication. Added some more vitamins/herbs. 

Medication we came off of was the steroid inhaler for her asthma.  Behaviors had declined after getting that back into our lives with the allergy season upon  us.  Her asthma symptoms (she has never had an attack) appear to be related to her allergies.

One of the vitamins we added to our lives was Gaba.  If you have a kid or yourself with behavior issues, anxiety issues.  Run, don’t walk, & get some Gaba.  Seriously.  I have never seen an immediate result in a herb/vitamin like it appears I am seeing with this.  Very inexpensive.  I ordered mine from this site.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  Kiahna woke up this morning & said to me, “Is today I am going to second grade?”  Poor kid!  No wonder she has anxiety!  Even when she’s been told over & over, she still doesn’t understand what’s going on sometimes.  The world she lives in is very confusing.  It’s hard for me to remember that.  I’d have anxiety too.

Zach is ending his junior year.  I am struggling to trust him.  I am struggling with anger at some teachers/coaches for their impatience with him.  I am struggling with fear.  I dread his senior year.  And I hate all those things in myself.

Quote from Zach last night “In one year I will be in college and you won’t have to worry about me any more”….   oh Zach you have no idea/

My biggest concerns right now for him are his self esteem.  Self worth.  God being allowed to work in his life as we go through the hard days ahead.

Hard in ways like, the 3 game suspension he has hanging over his head for the football season that is up & coming.  The football season that meant everything to him.  Hard in a way that I am not sure that even after the suspension is over that the coach will allow him to play.

Hard in ways like the fact that I am very involved with the mother’s portion of the team.  Very, very, very difficult for me to watch my son be treated a certain way for discipline I don’t agree with & pour my heart & time into working on.

We both have some tough days ahead.  Consequences are hard.  But even harder if they are consequences you are facing for someone else's decisions.  HARD!

Lucas had his 14th birthday last Friday.  He is growing up in his quiet way in a house full of a lot of “stuff”.

James is home for most of the summer & working hard.

Everyone else seems stable at the moment.

Working hard on my business.  God is blessing it.  I am loving it. 

DEEP BREATH.

Summer break will be good.  Right. Right?  Right.

Pam

True Story

I enjoy going to a zumba class a couple of mornings a week. 

My routine is (I love routine) to drop my kids off at school & head to the gym for a work out. (workouts have helped my stress level sooo much)

The zumba class doesn’t start until 9:45.  Running home for an hour then going back in isn’t always the best use of time or gas money.

I’ve went to the one restaurant in town that’s open for breakfast, taken my laptop & decided to work there during the time I am waiting for my class to start.

This restaurant is good because it’s pretty dark, quiet, not very busy so I don’t feel like I am in the way sitting there for over an hour not giving them much business.

I do normally eat some eggs, which  may be just the amount of money it would have taken to drive home & back… but it’s a time saver right.

Another thing about this restaurant is that the wi-fi does not work, the phone reception is horrible… so while those things are not real convenient, they do help me stay focused on my editing & the distractions are a minimum.

Today I was sitting there editing & multi-tasking with my phone.  Updating some of the names, my new phone puts them the opposite of the old phone so I have to move everyone’s names around, kinda confusing, but that’s what I was doing while I waited for my photo-shop program to do it’s magic.

A older couple came in & sat down at a table about 2 away from me.  I was minding my business getting much accomplished.  I heard the man talking & pretty soon I realized he was talking, very loudly, about me.

Discussing my use of my phone & then how I was going back & forth between my phone & my computer.  Using sarcastic phrases about how desperate I was to remain “plugged in” & how much of a panic I would be in if I couldn’t get connection.

“Look” he said to his wife, “now she’s on her computer.  I bet they have wi-fi here, a place like this would”

I go back to my phone.

“There she goes back on her phone again”

I sat there & my heart started to race & I looked over at him while he made sure he didn’t look at me.

I wanted so say, buddy, do  you know what I am doing over here?  Do you know I am working?  I can’t get internet or phone service?  I am here saving money on gas & trying to run my business. Would you like to see?

I can’t say I have ever felt so falsely judged.

He went on to complain about other things, loudly, while his poor wife sat there enduring.

All, I can think about it how quickly we judge by appearance.  How much we jump to conclusions.  Believe everything we hear.  Spread around false information about situations.

If you happen to hear any stories about my family flying around… think about this story before you believe everything that’s going around.  The facts are not the same as the rumors.

True Story.

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

Honestly, To tell the truth…

Honestly, I feel like I am struggling on the brink of sanity most days.

To tell the truth I am so glad that school started & I get some time to myself almost every day.

Honestly, I feel bad for feeling that way… but my plate is too full & it’s more than one person should have to carry on their own, so when the school teachers get on board & help me carry it, I am more than glad to let them do so.

To tell the truth, Kiahna’s behaviors scare me to the inner core.

Honestly, I am so angry at Jim some days for what he has done to our children & the way he is living his life, I think I might explode.

To tell the truth, I am tired of forgiving that man for things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Honestly, I know I have no other choice.  Unforgiveness is not an option.  I know what it does to a person & I want no part of it.  It’s just so hard to keep doing it.

To tell the truth, I wonder if visits with their dad hurt them more than they help them?

Honestly, if he is going to come to their games, I don’t understand why he can’t stick around long enough for them to come off the field or out of the locker room to say, “hey, good job son”.

Truthfully… it makes me want to scream with rage when I think about him hurting my kids & how I have absolutely zero control over if he hurts them or not.

Honestly, I like to be in control.  I like to be able to protect my kids.  I like to see the right thing happen.  I like to see good win.  I like to see justice.

To tell the truth, the older I get the less I see of justice, truth, or good winning in this world.

Honestly, without Jesus… I would be so much worse off than I am today… which is hard to imagine, since I feel pretty messed up with Him most of the time.

To tell the truth, I am sooo excited to start a new Bible study up with 2 of my friends tomorrow. 

Honestly, I don’t know what it’s even going to be about… just get me in the Word & save me from myself and this crazy life I am leading.

To tell the truth, I think that raising teenagers might be right up there with the most difficult thing ever done by mankind.  It’s so hard not to panic & think you’ve failed most hours of most days… then you see little glimmers of hope… and you try to focus on those…

Honestly, I think it’s best not to get too focused on anything that teenagers do or say… because tomorrow they will have a different thought that will totally change what they said yesterday…

To tell the truth… I have learned more about special needs children so far than I ever dreamed I would learn in my lifetime.  I wonder if anyone ever goes out and wants to learn how to raise a special needs child before they have one?

Honestly, dealing with my daughters tantrums feels like it could be the death of us all.

To tell the truth, I get angry that life is so hard… I get angry that I am a single parent… I get angry that Kiahna’s behavior is so awful…. I get angry that Zach gets tickets for taking off too fast in a parking lot, that he has a bad attitude of the football field, that girls chase him mercilessly, or that there is a new girl each week that he is talking to, I get scared, I get hurt, I get lonely…

Pause.

These are the feelings, thoughts, emotions, circumstances, issues I deal with everyday…. battlefield of the mind… yeah, you could say so.

We need your prayers.  I have been a single parent for six years.  And guess what.  It’s still hard.  It still stinks.  It still hurts.  It still trying to destroy me & my children.  We still need your prayers and support.

God has been sooooo good to us.  This community has been amazing.  I have to keep fighting this war, I can never stop… please keep holding up my hands…  because I am exhausted.

Pam

What to do?

Once again, I’ve neglected my blog… It’s definitely not for lack of things to talk about… I just lack the time to write I guess…

Then I become so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start or what to say… so the pattern repeats…

My days are full to the brim with kids activities… driving many miles with rising gas prices… yard work that overwhelms… appointments… tantrums… learning… ever learning…

I wonder if it’s time for my family to make a physical move?  Is it time for us to live closer to where we are constantly going?  There is no reprieve in sight from the hours it takes on the road to live the lives we live… nor the price of the gasoline to get us there.

Leaves, weeds, sticks, branches & grass that grows & falls uncontrollably… once a pleasure to tend to has now become a burden on my back… a task I enjoy, sitting taunting me because I don’t have the time to enjoy it.

A child with needs that seems to have needs that will grow in time, not lessen… issues that won’t be grown out of… damage that is done… that is going to take a team for many, many years… how can I do this all?

Older children… longing for my attention… hurting… struggling to grow up in a world full of choices to be made… how do I fill all the needs.  I can’t be everything for them… I can’t do all that I would like to do.  They make mistakes & I panic…

Would a physical move be the best?  But, what of the restrictions of smaller property?  Neighbors close by who may not understand that my children are not used to such restrictions?  More people around us is good or bad?

Fears to overcome.

Not just my own fears.  But the fears of those around me.

What is best?  Where do You want us?  How do I do this?  What am I doing that I shouldn’t be doing?  Why is there never enough time?  Why is there never enough energy?  Why is there never enough of me to go around?  Why am I not enough? 

Sinking in to my Lord & Savior… trying to grasp a little more each year who He is… Who He is to me… Who He is to my family… Who He wants to be that I don’t know how to let Him be… Who I am trying to be that I am not supposed to be…

Praying for God to show me what is mine to do & what is His… Each day.

Happy Easter!  He is Risen… oh that I could grasp what that means for me.

Pam

I just don’t understand

Today I ran into my ex-husband’s 90 year old grandma at w-mart.  She’s amazing, living on her own & thinking about others… she’s a devout Christian who never misses a Sunday in church & also never misses sending any of her great-grandchildren a birthday card!

She also has a f-book account!  She saw on there that I had posted about Zach being in the musical.  She said that she had been thinking about calling me, because she would like to come to the musical! 

This is where I feel bad because I didn’t think to call her and ask her if she wanted tickets myself…

I mean what’s the etiquette here?  Is it my responsibility to contact my ex-husband and all of his family to let them know about all the of the kids activities? 

He takes no initiative to find out what’s going on with his kids.  He lurks on their f-book pages, so I know he KNOWS what’s going on.  Yet nothing.  Presale tickets for this musical are sold out for 2 of the 3 nights.  Unless he called the school and ordered tickets on his own, he doesn’t have tickets.

I mentioned to Zach about it, “did you ask your dad if he wants tickets?"  I didn’t get a response…

It’s all really quite difficult for me to swallow.  I want to do the right thing.  What exactly is the right thing?  Is he going to show up at the door and expect to have a decent seat?  Is he waiting for me or Zach to call and give him a call & invite him like a favored guest? 

URG!!! 

Bitterness is still after my soul… It is a patient foe that will take me anytime it can…

I went to dress rehearsal and took these shots last night..

Zach & Kurt are the two thieves… these are taken during their duet

Pam

Snow & flooding….

Last week we had our **HOPEFULLY** last snow storm of the season… The kids went out and made this snowman with Zach & his girl Rachel…

This was Friday…

By Monday the temps had risen, the snow was melting & we had a thunderstorm, complete with lightening & tornado touchdowns…  oh, & power outages with flooding…

My basement when I woke up on Monday morning… yes, it was this messy… yes I was already in the process of cleaning out the storage room… which in the big picture was a plus because there were a lot more things that would have been on the ground if I had not done that…

From the other end…

The boy’s bedroom is down there…

And their bathroom… (towels piled up by Zach so he could stand & get ready that morning)

All these clothes were clean & “fell” out of their closet… and soaked up the flood water…

And this was the laundry pile…

The basement kitchen…

Right now every area with carpet is empty & every thing is piled on the vinyl flooring… I donated 3 bags of stuff… free-cycled & sold a few things I was not going to put back into storage… The carpeting is dry & scheduled to be re-laid this morning… then it will need cleaned & we can move back in.

$500 deductible on my flood insurance… my brother-in-law is installing a new sump pump, plus a battery powered back up… that’s going to be costly…

I get my first tax refund since my divorce… I get to spend it on a sump-pump… joy of joys!!   I did buy some “fun” stuff with it already though too… it will be fine.  I am extremely blessed & thankful!!!

Pam

I am ready. I think.

So, I sit here on the night before I send my baby off to all day kindergarten & 5 days before I send my oldest off to live at college.

The week I’ve been dreading, anticipating, worrying, excited over, & thinking about for well over a year.

I think I am ready.

I know I am ready for the structure that school brings to our lives.

Ready for some time without children around.

It’s been a long summer.

It’s been 19 years since I was without kids all day every day. (Kiahna’s done preschool, but by the time you get home it’s time to go back and pick her up again, doesn’t really cut it)

Of course 19 years ago, when I wasn’t a parent, I had just graduated from high school. 

Bizarre.

I have high hopes of gaining some ground on my house.  I have high hopes of cleaning & organizing & sorting & throwing away & giving away. 

I wonder what it’s like to live in a house that is cleaned all the time & not in a constant state of disarray.

I’d love to know. 

But, for the most part the price has been too high to find out before now.  And even now I still don’t know if I want, need, or should make that my priority.

Maybe.

Will I volunteer at the school.  Not sure.  Not sure if it would help Kiahna or hurt to see me there.  Not sure I have it in me to give of my time this year. 

Feeling very burnt out and frazzled.

Frustrated with my children.  Lost phones.  Poor choices.  Miscommunications.  Disappointments.  Noise. Fighting.  Complaining.  Whining.  Laziness… life without structure is fun for awhile, but not for very long.

I am ready to send James to college.  I think.  I know it’s time.  I am tired of thinking about it.  Wondering about it.  Anticipating it.  Let’s just get this done already & move on to our next new normal.

We will be leaving early Saturday morning and spending the whole day on campus with him.  There is a family picnic at 5:00 and then they pretty much dismiss us and take the students off for 4 days of freshmen orientation.

It’s time.

Remind me of that next week okay.  I think I will be okay, but just in case. 

So, I am trying to pray for the teachers & the students, my mind keeps going 1000 mph in other directions… praying for peace.

Praying for God to show me how He wants me to spend these new free hours I now am going to have in my life starting tomorrow…

It’s hard to believe!

Pam

Adoption Support

Yesterday…

I wanted to quit.

I felt like the worst parent ever.

If I hadn’t already had 4 children (who I have been semi-successful in parenting) ahead of my  youngest 2, I am pretty sure I would have taken all the failure and frustration and let it heap on my own head in shame.

It’s bad enough as it is.

Jadon got in trouble at school and we heard from the principal.

Kiahna got in trouble in school.

AGAIN.

I am not sure I am cut out for this.

Is there a place to resign?

Is there fine print I forgot to read?

Is this an adoption issue?

Special needs?

Divorce?

yes? yes? yes?

Can I scream?

I goggled adoption support within 100 miles of my area and do you know how many came up?

0

ZEEEE-RRROOOOWWW!

I talked to a local agency.

NO RESOURCES.

I heard of a training.

Am I a licensed foster parent?

No.

I don’t qualify for their training.

Okay, so we get all this support before we adopt.  We get training & people backing us up if we are fostering.

Then we adopt and get a nice smile, pat on the back, and off we go.

Five years later.

Six years later.

Sixteen years later.

Twenty-five years later.

Where is the support?

How do we cut through all the grief, loss, pain, frustration.

Theirs and ours?

Because it doesn’t look like we thought it would look.

And they deal with things our other kids don’t.

And they don’t respond like our other kids to the discipline we know and has worked.

So we try to do better.

We seek help.

We flounder around like fish out of water.

And we feel like we are beating our heads against brick walls.

We are told not to worry. 

But, know one knows how hard it is.

At least not anyone we know. 

They are all smiling and looking like they have it all together.

I am angry.

I am tired.

I am frustrated.

I am overwhelmed.

I want to be all that my kids need…

…I am not.

I want help.

I don’t know where to find it.

I want support.

I don’t know where to find it.

My kids deserve help.

I don’t know where to find it.

Pam

I will not be overwhelmed

Some days it just starts to feel like it’s all too much.  I hate that feeling.  It’s not even a reality.  Feelings are so undependable.

I have learned to recognize that choking, overwhelming, feeling most of the time.

Sometimes it builds up and doesn’t really release until I get a good cry.

I’d like to make sense of it.  But, it really makes no sense.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed.

I was pretty overwhelmed a few days before that too.

It’s all the “little” things ya know.  At least “little” in comparison to some of the MAJOR things I’ve walked through.

James is filling out scholarship applications.  There is pressure to get my taxes figured out & done so we can file for the F*A*S*F*A aid.

There are the questions of how much aid he will get & how the remainder of the bill will be paid.  And if he should choose a different college.

There is “senioritis” to deal with… that whole concept that “I am ready for school to be done”.  And even though it makes me happy to know that he is ready to be done, it also makes me sad.  Life will be so different for him once he is out of high school.  It’s scary to me sometimes.

Zach came home yesterday and told me “thank you mom for helping me study for my Biology final, I got one of the best grades in the class because of all the studying you helped me do.  You are the best, and I couldn’t have done it without you.  I love you mom.” 

Okay.  That’s a lie.  But, he was thinking it.  I know.  At least he did say that he did do better than most of the kids and got one of the better grades in the class.  I did suggest that perhaps it was the study methods I had INFORCED upon him, but he didn’t comment.  I know he knows though.  sigh.

Actually, I feel kind of frustrated (okay, a lot frustrated) with him.  He is a ball of potential.  But, he really has an attitude about him that I am sure people look at him and “think things”.

He has so much confidence in some areas, like his basketball skills, that it comes out as cockiness.  If I had been on the “other team” last weekend, I’d have wanted to deck him! 

And yet, the things he doesn’t do well.  He is on the opposite extreme & he has zero confidence.  This is coming out again as arrogance.  But, in this arena, he just acts like he doesn’t care & blames others “she hates me.  He hates me”.  You would not believe the number of people who “hate him” these days.

I realize it is a teenage assumption, but it is getting really old.  In fact two days ago when he told me what happened in one of his classes, and “how much the teacher hates me” & how she “proved it to the whole class”.  I called the teacher.

I figured if she hates him so much (and I admit, after he says it so often I start to think it may be true)  I know how he can come across.  Especially to someone who hasn’t taken the time to get to know who he really is.

Which, on a side note, is how it is with most kids who cause trouble, act out in class, act cocky.  And as teachers & coaches I feel you can’t effectively do your job unless you are willing to look past these things to the root issues.  Teachers & coaches are many times the only counselors kids get.   There is so much more to that job than just teaching the facts.  A very high calling if you ask me.

So, I call the teacher before school.  By, 5:30 when I was on my way to the swim meet, she still hasn’t called me back.  And my mind has been working overtime on all the reasons why she didn’t call me back. 

Tears were under the surface most of the afternoon.

When I walked into the swim meet there was that teacher.  Her daughter swims too (I never noticed before) and she looked right at me and asked if I wanted to talk now.

Sigh.

We went in the hall & talked.  I don’t know if I got my point across.  I cried.  So frustrating to cry like that in front of her!  But, she was nice.  And I hope that we can communicate better in the future.  She put some pieces together and realized that “nice man” who put in her furnace years ago is Zach’s dad and “that nice man left you?”  She had no idea.  I guess I figured everyone knew.  Guess not.

Anyway, she doesn’t hate him (didn’t think she did, but when she didn’t call all day my mind was going crazy)  She did say that she didn’t like his behavior sometimes (he needs to know when to talk, and he needs to be responsible and bring his work to class & turn it in on time)  IMAGINE THAT!

It is like a lose, lose merry-go-round.  Zach gets in his head that someone “hates him” and he tunes them out.  Then he doesn’t turn in his work like he is supposed to.  Then he gets in trouble.  Well, then “they hate him” more.  There are a couple of teachers and a couple coaches he is saying this about right now.

Interesting that the teachers that “like him” he is getting A’s.  And the teachers that “hate him” he is fighting for a C. 

I need wisdom.

Then in the midst of yesterday’s mind games (on myself)  I talked with Kiahna’s teacher.

It’s time for a re-evaluation.  She brings up disabilities and medications.  She brings up the need to doctor’s evaluations.  She brings up planning out how kindergarten will look for Kiahna.

All that brings up all my fears & concerns.  I don’t know how she is going to do in school.  I fear she won’t be able to do it.  I fear she will be misunderstood.  I hate that not only will she be one of the only (if not the only) black children in her class but she will not be “normal” or process things normally & will be an outcast.  So many things that are unknown & scary.

Very soon Kiahna will have an hour long evaluation with her pediatrician.  We may need to try some medication.  I am not convinced that a pill will help the things that she is dealing with.  Is it a chemical in-balance that causes the behavior she can display?  It seems too inconsistent to me.

In this “slow” season of winter, I have a long list of things I want to get done.  I need to start thinking about graduation party.  I need to catch up on projects that have been neglected. I need to work on “business” issues.  Rewrite my policies.  Decide on pricing. 

I’ve opened that Etsy shop.  Is that the right way?  Can I make any money selling cards?  Is that a worthwhile filler?  It cost to list on Etsy & they do take a cut (so if you want something contacting me directly is more cost effective for me, but I need to build a reputation on the Etsy site and get some sales to build confidence in other consumers too)  Sigh.

I bought a dvd at Wa*lmrt that has 5- 10 minute work outs on it.  Figured I could do one a day!  Feels more manageable!  OH MY WORD!  I am embarrassed to say how sore I am after doing 10 minutes of *yo*ga*!!  It’s very bad. 

Tomorrow, the kids are off of school.  Today is the last day of the first semester & lots of tests today. 

We are headed to a hotel with all of my family for the night on Friday night.  Always a fun time.  Not exactly a relaxing get away, but it will be a get away.

I don’t want to complain.  I really don’t.  I know I have so much to be thankful for.  And I know how much worse it can be.  Sometimes when we are feeling overwhelmed it’s so hard to see those things.  And sometimes when we’ve had it so much worse than we have it today, we have a hard time dealing with our own feelings.  I’ve made myself an appointment with my counselor for this morning, and I am starting a new Bible Study this afternoon with 2 good friends.  So excited for that! 

Kiahna is ready for me to make her some eggs, so I’d better get up and go.

Thanks for listening friends.

Pam

Quitting

Yesterday I found out just how much I don’t like quitting.

Yesterday my oldest son TEXTED me DURING school hours, while I was at Walmart.

Irritation #1.

He’s breaking the rules & texting during school (he’s in pub class, where there isn’t traditional classroom, but still breaking the rules)

Irritation #2

Nonchalantly telling someone you are doing something that you know is going to (or at least you should know) upset them & doing it by text, and acting like they should have known, because they “told” you before they were thinking about it.

NO!

So, James says, “mom, I am going to quit swimming today & then I am going over to my friends house and we are going to go over to this gym and lift weights for 2 hours”

um… NO!

“I told you I was thinking of quitting, and it just isn’t fun anymore, I don’t like it and I think I should quit”

(is there a word for arguing through texting?) maybe I’ll create one… how about a “textgument”.

Yes, that works, so our textgument continued back and forth with me getting more and more frustrated and irritated, all the while trying to shop and remember what groceries I was looking for.

I told him that we were not going to continue this over text and that we would talk after school.

He didn’t like that answer.

Grandpa was called (by me, and then by James after I told James he needed to call Grandpa)

Grandpa advised James not to quit until he talked to his mom & that he needed to go home and talk to me face to face.

The good thing for me is that I had the time it took to finish shopping, drive to pick up Kiahna at preschool, wait for her to come out, drive home, & wait for him to arrive after school, to climb down off the wall that this had threw me up on, and to analyze my feelings and why I was so upset, and on what levels I was upset, and to decide how I wanted to handle this.

Never mind that I totally forgot about my groceries in the back of my van.  That didn’t happen, remember?

The biggest thing that I felt is my absolute rage over quitting for the reasons of something being “too hard” and “not fun anymore”. 

Isn’t that the largest reasons why people give up on their marriages these days? 

This morning on the news I heard that 45% of Americans are “unhappy” in their jobs.  The DJ made some comment about people needing to be happy that they have a job at all!  AMEN!

I’ll tell you, it really had me upset.  When I finally remembered my groceries & unpacked them, I didn’t even remember that I had bought some of the things I had in there.

James came home, and I was in a much more rational state of mind.  I laid out to him my different reasons why I didn’t agree with quitting.  & the different things that will change around here if he decided to quit.  & my frustrations over some other issues going on in our home over Christmas break.

He called Grandpa to come over.  I think he thought that Grandpa would override my thoughts and that Grandpa might give him his way.

Nope.

Grandpa went through the exact same things I had just said, and confirmed them to James.  James seemed to understand and see that he was wrong in this choice somewhere during the conversation.

Things about quitting and getting a job and not being able to do other activities he wants to do, and about responsibility, and living out what you say you believe, and about consequences.

It all ended with James saying he understands.  He’s NOT quitting the swim team.  Me compromising on a small issue and telling him that if he could keep up his grades he could still go the gym and lift weights after swimming if he wanted to.

(but the fact that he now has a lead in the school musical & between class, swimming, musical practice, hum weight lifting 2 hours a day??  & he already has a weight training class every day during school!!  good grief!)

He went to the gym.  Came home and hugged me.  Apologized. Thanked me for not letting him get away with that.

Wow.

I was blown away.  Thankful.  (checked for high fever) & so blessed. 

One of the things that I said to James, and my dad said too… as James was saying “I’ve never quit anything before and you guys are making such a big deal about this” 

YES!  It is a big deal.  I will NEVER be okay with ANY of my children quitting for the reasons of “it’s too hard”, “I don’t like it anymore”, “It’s just not fun”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO CARES!!  Do you know how many things I do every day that I DON’T find fun!!!!!  Or don’t LIKE to do!!  Let’s not even go to TOO HARD!!!

It was all I could do not to yell!! GROW UP!!

That’s what grown ups do.  They do things that are hard.  Things that are not fun.  Things that they don’t like to do.  They don’t give up because it’s not fun anymore. They don’t stop and decide to do something else just because it looks more fun.

At least they shouldn’t.

How many grown ups do though.

It just creates a fire in me.

The fuel being that my own husband gave up.  Decided it was “too hard” to work on our marriage.  That I wasn’t “fun anymore”.  That there was something else out there that looked more fun.  After all, shouldn’t we all just be happy? 

NO.

What a different world this would be if people didn’t quit when it got hard.  If people didn’t quit when it wasn’t fun anymore.  If people didn’t quit when something else looked more fun.

I pray that my sons & daughters NEVER EVER quit for any of those reasons.  I pray that I never do either.  I wish with all my heart that my husband hadn’t.

Would it be hard to fix this disaster that he had created with his choices?  Yes.  Would it be fun?  No.  Would there be other things that seemed easier?  Yes. 

But, what grows character?  What is honorable?  What reflects the light of Jesus Christ who we say we serve?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”  -James 1:12

I’ll get off my soap box now.  Maybe.

Pam

One for the wall… & I told you there was mud…

You do understand that all this photography business began with wanting to take James senior pictures… I have had him out 3 times taking pictures… I haven’t hardly even worked on his edits!!  Today I decided to work on one I took of him on Sunday that I really love…  I am pretty sure this one is going to end up on my wall…  unless I get a better one! :)  How do you choose just one though!!

I’ve been working on at photo shoot I took for my cousin of her family… as I was working this morning, I became inspired by this picture, and had to add a verse to it…

I want one like that with my kids in it!!  O, and I want my kids to live together in unity too… but I am afraid mine would be pinching, pulling, or grabbing if I asked them to stand that close!! :)  See more of these on my photo blog!

I got my hands on some pictures from last Friday night’s foot ball game too… the one that was so horribly muddy…

The Brown & Red Team…

James…

Drawing for the sectional was last night.  We drew an away game and a team that we probably cant beat.  Is it bad to pray that by some miracle we pull it together enough to go a few games into sectional??? 

This Friday is Senior/Parent night.  It’s supposed to be in the 40’s and raining.  Wanna come watch?  Yeah.  Rinse, wash, repeat.

Sigh…

Pam

“Catch” Up…

I feel like I can’t keep up over here on this blog!!  I have photos to edit, and laundry to fold… field trips to attend, and ball games to watch…  can’t keep up!!  So, if you see a little less of me over here, I hope you understand!

Last Friday night I got a great shot of James’ catch…

The name of the game was FRUSTRATING. This catch was the second play of the game. It was a 50 yard reception.  The ball wasn’t passed to him anymore during the game.

FRUSTRATING.

Praying for a good attitude.  His and mine. Not to mention the rest of the fans.  Praying for the coach to have wisdom beyond his years. 

Remembering that this is his first year as head coach after 32 years of the same coach… but remembering that this is the last year for James to play… and that makes it hard.

**********************************

Last weekend I had the privilege of attending the Extraordinary Women Conference.  I got to hear one of my favorite authors speak, and one of my favorite singers sing! 

Can you tell who they are?

I tried to take pictures…

Karen Kings*bury & Man*desa!

One of the big surprises of the day was speaker, Angela Tho*mas.  I had never heard of her before.

Turns out, I don’t have to write my book… she already did!  :)  Angela was a single mom for 7 1/2 years.  Her speaking touched a place in my heart of pain… and ended up bringing yet more healing to my soul…

Funny how you go into something thinking that you are okay and suddenly you are in tears.  And God is saying…. there is still this place of pain… and I want to heal it more today.  And He does.

**********************************

Saturday evening we relaxed at home.  I told myself I was NOT going to work on photos on the weekend.   I did a little, but mostly spent time with the kiddos! 

I had to really stop and realize that my week last week was much like I had taken a full time job on.  (and I have, I just have to manage the time myself!)  Once I got my new lap top, and my photo editing software, I needed (and still need to) play catch up on the editing… and I am learning so much…

See What I learned to do today!

Do you like it?  You can see some more of the work I’ve been doing on my photo blog!

****************************

Sunday afternoon, I took some more photos!

Then we went to my sister Allison’s house for birthdays and they had an obstacle course set up and we had a great time!  I took pictures (shock) only about 300 or so… yeah… they need their own post! :)  hoping to work on those and share sometime soon!

I took this picture of my kids…

They love getting their picture taken! :)

Pam

Can we talk about something else?

Can we think about something else?

My neck, back & behind are sore.

My brain is sore.

I am struggling with overwhelm & low confidence…

photography.

photoshop.

customers.

photo processing.

screen checks.

pricing.

this is starting to feel much more like work than fun.

So, let’s talk about something else, shall we?

***********************************

Lucas’ teacher told me this week that he sees now why Lucas doesn’t start sentences with capital letters & end them with periods.

me?

Okay, i used to have this program that made them all capital for me, so I got out of the habit of pushing the shift key, so now it is hard to remember to do it, and all the kids are typing that way, so it makes me feel young and hip right! :)

*********************************

Another Varsity Football game tomorrow night. It’s been a hard season.  We won the first 2 games and haven’t won since.  Lots of injuries.  New coach.  It would be so nice to see things come together for the team.

James is pretty bummed.  He wishes he would be passed to more.  He doesn’t understand.  It’s hard for me to understand too.  (remember me, the one who didn’t even know what position my son played and this is year 4 of him playing!)

Hoping for a good game tomorrow night.  Praying for safety for the players.

*******************************

If you are reading this and I used to have your e-mail address… and you haven’t heard from me in 3 weeks by e-mail.  It’s because I don’t have your e-mail address anymore.  Please resend.  Thank you.

********************************

I don’t know how things are going with Kiahna and school.  I admit to being a little confused and discouraged.  She is going 3 days.  And the teacher says that it is “much better than last year”.  But she is not anywhere near being capable of handling kindergarten.  Sometimes I wonder if she comprehends. 

She has been learning the letter “P” at school all week… so we are in the van and she hands me her paper and I say…

“Oh, look Kiahna this letter starts mommy’s name, what is this letter?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do, what is this letter?”

“I DONT KNOW”

“Well, what is Mommy’s name?”

“Mommy.”

“No, My name is Pam, what does Pam start with?”

“I don’t know”

“What is this letter?”

“I DONT KNOW!”

The teacher told me this week, “I don’t know how  you do it.” 

I don’t think I like that comment.  That comment makes me feel like she is seeing something I am not.  It makes me feel like Kiahna will not be ready for kindergarten next year.  That comment scares me.

************************************

Blah-dee---Blah-daa…

wanna talk about photography again?

me neither.

*************************************

Jadon cut himself in the chin with his scissors at school today.  Got blood on his shirt and went to the nurse and she gave him a clean one.

I’ve washed and returned the school nurse’s shorts 3 times, and now I have a shirt.  Interesting… all my other kids have NEVER went to the nurse for clean clothes…. Jadon has 4 times, in what? 6 weeks of school. (and all 4 times were in the past 2 weeks!)

************************************ 

Last night I decided that I needed to mop my kitchen floor.  I really didn’t want to.  So, to motivate myself I decided to shatter a 9x13 dish of 1/2 gone chicken enchiladas all over the floor.

The floor is mopped.

Jadon cut his foot tonight.  Guess I missed a spot.

*************************************

Poor Jadon…

Poor James…

Poor Kiahna…

Not sure what the other three could complain about… but I am sure we could find something!!

Poor Me!  LOL!!  Sounding kinda whiney and tired, like I should be in bed, aren’t I!

*************************************

Heard about an acquaintance who’s husband is doing to her and her children what mine did, this week.  I sat there thinking, I should talk to her, call her, do something to encourage her.

Her faith is strong.  Her hope is too… Much like mine has been.

But, am I an encouragement or a discouragement to someone just starting out on this journey?   I don’t know.  I want to be an encouragement to her… to anyone else going through this nightmare…

Here I am 4 years of hoping, waiting, praying, and walking it out… my circumstances are the same… but I am living life.  I am happy (most of the time, but we aren't talking about how my photography has been going)

I’ve found God to be HUGE in all of this, even as my prayers for HSSH seemingly change nothing in him.  God has taken care of me and my children.  He has protected us.  He has carried us through.

That has to be an encouragement doesn’t it?

Pray with me about that will you?  Lord, I want You to use what I have been through for your glory… sometimes I can get in the way with my thoughts and my ideas and my fears and my disappointments… help me… use me…

*************************************

Speaking of HSSH.  He has been coming to most of the kids games.  That is good for them. 

He told James that he would not be able to attend “senior night” in 2 weeks.  James was really bummed… I was relieved…

I feel guilty about being relieved, and I am sad for James… but it is so much easier if I don’t have to walk down that football field in front of all of those people and pretend like this is all “normal”

Mostly he just ignores me.

************************************

So, there you have it, another long, pretty whiny, and maybe a tad depressing blog post…

If you know how to make my computer screen match my photo lab leave me a comment. 

That is if you want to talk photography… cause I don’t.  I am not obsessive.  And don’t lose any sleep over this.  And have not spent countless hours editing and teaching myself this week and have no idea if what I see on the screen is what the print is going to look like & if people will like it… so if you are going to critic my style of editing this would not be a good day.

K?

If you think I am losing my mind… maybe you want to come over and help me find it… cause I am pretty sure you are on the right track!

Time for bed!

Pam

Wondering when...

I am wondering when things are going to come together for me to have a computer in my home again... the way things look right now I may be getting the new & the old back around the same time... the end of the week...
Meanwhile, I have been tempted to throw in the towel and give up on the whole idea of doing photography as a way of supporting my family...

Feeling like I am in over my head.

Not understanding why there are so many glitches!

Saturday I was totally losing it.

I went to pick up my external hard drive...

My recovered photo files had been downloaded onto it.

I took it to this computer (my parents) and plugged it in.
So excited to see my pictures again! So excited to share some on my photo blog and here.

And disappointment.

Some of them are there.

Most of them aren't.

No one was available to help me understand why this was happening.

I was crushed.

I had paid to have them recovered. Paid more than I wanted to pay. & now this.

Plus, I realized that I had saved many of the photos I had edited too small.

Much work awaits me when I do get a photo editing system & computer going again.

What am I thinking?

Can I do this?

Is this crazy?

I had another photo shoot scheduled for Saturday evening. Feeling about as confident as a pea, I went ahead with it.

Got to the location.

Was blown away by the beauty.

Was blown away by God.

Was blown away by His favor on me.

It has been a rough start... but He is providing the way.

Teaching me.

Letting me learn.

And leading.

This is HIS idea... of that I am sure.

I am incapable on my own... of that I am VERY sure.

He will have HIS way in where this all goes. That is a fact.

Pam

(yes, all of these were taken at that location... I'll have lots more when I get my computer up & photos edited!!)

Please say a prayer for my computer & my new business

Last night I started working on the pictures from the two photo shoots I had this weekend. I downloaded them all to my computer AND ERASED THEM ALL FROM MY CAMERA.

Suddenly the computer froze.

I had to unplug it to get it to shut off.

When I went to turn it back on the button stuck.

I left it go.

Praying that it was only the button and that it would work in the morning.

This morning I used a tiny screw driver to get the button unstuck and got the computer on.

But, It won't boot. I keep getting an error screen.

I am praying that this is just the button and not the hard drive.

I had not moved any of my work from the past week to the external hard drive so it would all be gone.

I just took the computer in to be looked at.

I am using my parents computer to post.

I did order my new computer at the end of last week. But that doesn't get back the work I had on the other one does it.

What a way to start a new business.

"I am sorry, I lost all your pictures. Can we do that again??"

"oh, and here's your money back"

GRRRRRR!!!!!

Last week, I got a phone call from a ministry that I have worked with some. The lady told me that at 4:00 in the morning she woke up and heard God tell her that she needed to ask "Pam to take pictures for their upcoming benefit".

She continued to pray about it and told me she feels that God is calling me to take pictures.

I am very thankful for this opportunity and excited to have this kind of prayerful support!! FOR SURE!!

And now to have these computer problems. It feels like a war against me. Again. No surprise there.

So, pray that all my files are safe and sound!

And I promise that I will back up all files before I delete from my camera from now on!!

Learning some hard business lessons, aren't I.

I'll add that to the one that says, "always make sure they have your sell phone number and I have theirs"

Thankful for friends who are letting me work through these growing pains on them, but I still want my pictures from that shoot back!!! :)

Thanks!

Pam

First time Vlogemotion participant!

I am trying something new today! Thought you might all enjoy the treat! You get to watch me on video this time! Oh bother, add to my frustration (I have to write this on blogger to use the blogger video!) it won't let me link Tim without showing the whole url address! so click this image to get to Tim's site! To see more Vlogemotions, and to join in!

So, when I thought about my strongest emotion of the week, I was frustrated to realize that it was frustration AGAIN! So, listen to this to hear me talk more about it... and to see sweet Kiahna on my lap!

Not sure how many of these I will do! Leave me a comment to let me know what you think! You know cause, I have to actually be dressed & comb my hair to be on the camera myself! :)

Pam

Joys of country living…

Not complaining really… after being in the city last week, I really do appreciate my country home.  It sure does come with some interesting challenges though.

We had 2 cats last spring.  We now have 6 cats.  No one wants to part with kittens… no one wants to feed cats… no one wants to change litter boxes… yeah.  So how many kittens will we have this summer with this many cats now?  Um.  Yeah.  I need to find a new home for a few cats.

I love having cats in the country though.  We watched out the window just the other day as a cat caught a mouse, released it, caught it again.  Super!  You keep the mice out of my house!  I love you kitty!  And they have done away with the mole population that was overtaking our ground before we had cats!

Earlier this winter, they caught a rabbit.  Brought it in my garage.  I didn’t take pictures.  You are welcome. 

Yesterday, we opened the door to the garage to a pile of feathers.  Not so much liking this.

Thank you for the love gift kitty.

We live on a gravel road.  Well, it was gravel.  Now it is mud.  The gravel, that is all stock piled on my garage floor now.  Add some bunny fur, feathers, and a litter box that needs cleaned out… ahem… 60 degrees is not so lovely. 

After living here for 10 years, I finally bought a leaf blower… yesterday I found out that it works quite well at blowing feathers, fur, gravel, and leaves out of the garage… now if I could only get it to change that litter box.

Once, earlier this winter, we had a portion of the road wash out.  Yeah.  Nice, foot deep, crevice created by a natural stream.  This had never happened before.  Wonder if a tile broke? 

Seeing all the rain this morning, I wondered if it happened again.  I was praying that the bus would be safe as it drove in the dark and hit that crevice.  Soon I saw the bus pass (my kids don’t get on at our house).  And was thankful that all was well.

When I took Jadon to preschool, I saw that the road had washed out again.  I called the Highway Department to report it.  I commented that perhaps something needs to be done to prevent this in the future.  There is a danger of the bus losing control in the dark, hitting that crevice. 

The secretary at the highway department’s reply that the bus should be aware and it not being totally the HW’s responsibility… well lets just say.  That upsets me.

I called the school bus garage to tell them about the crevice, and to report the highway secretary’s view of the situation… still pretty irritated about this.

Now, no doubt the highway will repair it today… but will it be a band-aid or surgery?

Here is hoping for road surgery!  Road paving!!  Now that would be a miracle!! 

Pam 

I wrote a few thoughts over here yesterday too.

My computer is back… *UPDATED*

UPDATED:  Forget it… the frustrations aren’t gone.  I found the software for my camera, installed it, added pictures to one of the posts from the other day… got an error message. AGAIN!  STILL! 

Anyone out there using Window’s Live Writer?  Anyone having trouble with it?  What are you using to write with??  HELP ME PLEASE! 

ORIGINAL POST:

…and all the old frustrations are gone!  It is fast!  It has a wonderful external hard drive!!  It is amazing!!  But.  All the elements I had set up on it are gone.  I have to start all over.  I can’t figure out how to put pictures on my posts… So.  Back to square one.  And I don’t want to take time to do this on the day before, the day before, Christmas. 

So.

I’ll have to go dig up some hardware to get this camera thing working I guess… I’ll have to figure out how to work this all over again.

We have run out of propane gas… our house upstairs is 65.  Downstairs, where the wood burner is it is 85.  Thankful for our wood burner, AGAIN!!  Thankful that the gas company will bring more gas today!  (I hope!)…  thankful that in perspective, my house is not freezing.  We didn’t have to move out because we have not had electricity since last Friday.  We didn’t lose our furnace, washer/dryer, oven, microwave, etc. due to faulty generator hook up.  We didn’t lose our garage to fire, because of a frozen garage door and a space heater.  We didn’t lose our whole house to fire, escaping only with our lives… all of these things have happened to others living in a close radius to us…  so who am I to complain.

Merry Christmas.

Going to throw another log on the fire…

Pam

testing... testing... testing...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Deep Breathing...

Deep Breathing...

I love my computer.  I bless it.  It has served me very well for the past 9 years.  I would never think of throwing it through a window, or kicking it to the curb doing anything but loving and blessing it. 

I suppose I have a virus.  I suppose the fact that it is taking about the time it takes me to fold a load of laundry to change screens, should be my first sign.

If I didn't need it to spew out my address labels (please, oh please, oh please cooperate!) for my Christmas cards.  (after I buy the address labels of course) I would have ripped every cord from this thing and threw it in my van gently removed the cords and tenderly carried it to my van, to take it to the repair shop today.

You see... I participated in this wonderful, fun, blog carnival, called Christmas House Tour.  I had the post all written (with tons of pictures) before 8:30.  But, it won't publish.  I get a server error every time. 

I have gotten so much house work done, don't get me wrong.  Because this computer is running so slow.  But, I keep stubbornly returning (this is where my children get it, yes, I know this) to my computer, PRAYING that it publishes. 

Why?  Because it is fun.  Because I spent the time working on it.  Because I am crazy, obsessive, compulsive and dawg-on-it... I WANT IT TO WORK!!! 

Deep Breathing...

Deep Breathing...

Do me a favor.  If by chance this publishes.  And if by A MIRACLE, the other publishes, leave me lots of comments.  I need to know it was worth all the hair I have laying beside my computer....

Kiahna didn't wake up feeling so great... In fact she feel back asleep twice after she initially got up.  But, since about 10 am, (and some Motrin) she has been eating again, playing again, and being sassy... I'd say she is well on her way to recovery...

I tried it with one picture... it failed to publish... take two...

please publish...

Pam