I will not be overwhelmed

Some days it just starts to feel like it’s all too much.  I hate that feeling.  It’s not even a reality.  Feelings are so undependable.

I have learned to recognize that choking, overwhelming, feeling most of the time.

Sometimes it builds up and doesn’t really release until I get a good cry.

I’d like to make sense of it.  But, it really makes no sense.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed.

I was pretty overwhelmed a few days before that too.

It’s all the “little” things ya know.  At least “little” in comparison to some of the MAJOR things I’ve walked through.

James is filling out scholarship applications.  There is pressure to get my taxes figured out & done so we can file for the F*A*S*F*A aid.

There are the questions of how much aid he will get & how the remainder of the bill will be paid.  And if he should choose a different college.

There is “senioritis” to deal with… that whole concept that “I am ready for school to be done”.  And even though it makes me happy to know that he is ready to be done, it also makes me sad.  Life will be so different for him once he is out of high school.  It’s scary to me sometimes.

Zach came home yesterday and told me “thank you mom for helping me study for my Biology final, I got one of the best grades in the class because of all the studying you helped me do.  You are the best, and I couldn’t have done it without you.  I love you mom.” 

Okay.  That’s a lie.  But, he was thinking it.  I know.  At least he did say that he did do better than most of the kids and got one of the better grades in the class.  I did suggest that perhaps it was the study methods I had INFORCED upon him, but he didn’t comment.  I know he knows though.  sigh.

Actually, I feel kind of frustrated (okay, a lot frustrated) with him.  He is a ball of potential.  But, he really has an attitude about him that I am sure people look at him and “think things”.

He has so much confidence in some areas, like his basketball skills, that it comes out as cockiness.  If I had been on the “other team” last weekend, I’d have wanted to deck him! 

And yet, the things he doesn’t do well.  He is on the opposite extreme & he has zero confidence.  This is coming out again as arrogance.  But, in this arena, he just acts like he doesn’t care & blames others “she hates me.  He hates me”.  You would not believe the number of people who “hate him” these days.

I realize it is a teenage assumption, but it is getting really old.  In fact two days ago when he told me what happened in one of his classes, and “how much the teacher hates me” & how she “proved it to the whole class”.  I called the teacher.

I figured if she hates him so much (and I admit, after he says it so often I start to think it may be true)  I know how he can come across.  Especially to someone who hasn’t taken the time to get to know who he really is.

Which, on a side note, is how it is with most kids who cause trouble, act out in class, act cocky.  And as teachers & coaches I feel you can’t effectively do your job unless you are willing to look past these things to the root issues.  Teachers & coaches are many times the only counselors kids get.   There is so much more to that job than just teaching the facts.  A very high calling if you ask me.

So, I call the teacher before school.  By, 5:30 when I was on my way to the swim meet, she still hasn’t called me back.  And my mind has been working overtime on all the reasons why she didn’t call me back. 

Tears were under the surface most of the afternoon.

When I walked into the swim meet there was that teacher.  Her daughter swims too (I never noticed before) and she looked right at me and asked if I wanted to talk now.

Sigh.

We went in the hall & talked.  I don’t know if I got my point across.  I cried.  So frustrating to cry like that in front of her!  But, she was nice.  And I hope that we can communicate better in the future.  She put some pieces together and realized that “nice man” who put in her furnace years ago is Zach’s dad and “that nice man left you?”  She had no idea.  I guess I figured everyone knew.  Guess not.

Anyway, she doesn’t hate him (didn’t think she did, but when she didn’t call all day my mind was going crazy)  She did say that she didn’t like his behavior sometimes (he needs to know when to talk, and he needs to be responsible and bring his work to class & turn it in on time)  IMAGINE THAT!

It is like a lose, lose merry-go-round.  Zach gets in his head that someone “hates him” and he tunes them out.  Then he doesn’t turn in his work like he is supposed to.  Then he gets in trouble.  Well, then “they hate him” more.  There are a couple of teachers and a couple coaches he is saying this about right now.

Interesting that the teachers that “like him” he is getting A’s.  And the teachers that “hate him” he is fighting for a C. 

I need wisdom.

Then in the midst of yesterday’s mind games (on myself)  I talked with Kiahna’s teacher.

It’s time for a re-evaluation.  She brings up disabilities and medications.  She brings up the need to doctor’s evaluations.  She brings up planning out how kindergarten will look for Kiahna.

All that brings up all my fears & concerns.  I don’t know how she is going to do in school.  I fear she won’t be able to do it.  I fear she will be misunderstood.  I hate that not only will she be one of the only (if not the only) black children in her class but she will not be “normal” or process things normally & will be an outcast.  So many things that are unknown & scary.

Very soon Kiahna will have an hour long evaluation with her pediatrician.  We may need to try some medication.  I am not convinced that a pill will help the things that she is dealing with.  Is it a chemical in-balance that causes the behavior she can display?  It seems too inconsistent to me.

In this “slow” season of winter, I have a long list of things I want to get done.  I need to start thinking about graduation party.  I need to catch up on projects that have been neglected. I need to work on “business” issues.  Rewrite my policies.  Decide on pricing. 

I’ve opened that Etsy shop.  Is that the right way?  Can I make any money selling cards?  Is that a worthwhile filler?  It cost to list on Etsy & they do take a cut (so if you want something contacting me directly is more cost effective for me, but I need to build a reputation on the Etsy site and get some sales to build confidence in other consumers too)  Sigh.

I bought a dvd at Wa*lmrt that has 5- 10 minute work outs on it.  Figured I could do one a day!  Feels more manageable!  OH MY WORD!  I am embarrassed to say how sore I am after doing 10 minutes of *yo*ga*!!  It’s very bad. 

Tomorrow, the kids are off of school.  Today is the last day of the first semester & lots of tests today. 

We are headed to a hotel with all of my family for the night on Friday night.  Always a fun time.  Not exactly a relaxing get away, but it will be a get away.

I don’t want to complain.  I really don’t.  I know I have so much to be thankful for.  And I know how much worse it can be.  Sometimes when we are feeling overwhelmed it’s so hard to see those things.  And sometimes when we’ve had it so much worse than we have it today, we have a hard time dealing with our own feelings.  I’ve made myself an appointment with my counselor for this morning, and I am starting a new Bible Study this afternoon with 2 good friends.  So excited for that! 

Kiahna is ready for me to make her some eggs, so I’d better get up and go.

Thanks for listening friends.

Pam