A Mother’s Day post

I’ve been absent again… too much to do to take the time to sit down to write about it all again…

It’s Mother’s Day.  It’s been good.  I ordered a gift for my mom early…

It was a gallery wrap of all of us on the beach this spring break…

She’s easy to buy for, pictures of her family are her love… she is everything that anyone could want in a mom.  Devoting all her life to her family.  We are blessed indeed.

Mother’s Day as a single mom is something that I have tried very hard over the years to not lose my focus.  I keep my expectations low… & then I get some surprises.  Leah got up and made breakfast… all the boys remembered to at least say “Happy Mother’s Day” so that was good.

Its good.  I don’t need things.  I don’t need attention.  I don’t love the day.  I have learned not to let myself get worked up with unmet expectations.  It’s a trap. It’s from hell.  It’s not where I am going to let myself go.

Yet, I found myself in the midst of the day, dealing with my daughter & her emotions.  Her tantrums that have been on the rise.  Her anger.  I found myself weeping.  Unable to stop.  Unable to let the disappointment go.  Not necessarily because of the day, but perhaps that why it was harder.  I was working so hard to keep myself under control & not give in to those unmet expectations.

Kiahna’s behaviors have grown worse.  I have been working with medications yet again to try to help her level out.  I thought I had it figured out.  Today when she ran from me in church and hit me & told me how much she hated me.  It was sheer disappointment that ran through me.  I thought I had figured out what was going to help my baby girl. 

I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s going to help her.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know how long I can keep parenting her with these fits of anger.  I just don’t know.

I know the ONE who does know.  He seems a little quiet & slow to my human mind on this one. 

I am trying to wrap my head around parenting a child who is showing more & more autism signs.  Keep her sensory needs met, especially when she refuses the treatment, which is virtually impossible unless I just let her run & chase after her… which works here at home, but not so much in church in heels & with people watching.  UHG

She’s a gorgeous girl.  We recently got her hair relaxed.  She looks so much older.  If only there was a way to do that same thing to her heart & mind.  Relax.

 

 

Prayers are needed…. Thanks so much.

Pam