School

In four days my kids will be headed back to public school.

As I think about his I am thankful.  Thankful for peace about where my kids are going to school.  Thankful for the happy, fun, peaceful summer we had together as a family, the slower days of not running to activities and car-pools.  We had a full summer of fun, growing, and being together.

I haven’t always felt this peace about my kid’s schooling.  My oldest, James, went to the same public school he is in now through the 3rd grade.  Zach went to kindergarten there.  And I was so full of fear for them, and loneliness for them, that I pulled them out and began home schooling them.

I don’t really know if God called us to home school.  I know that it was a control thing for me in many ways.  I didn’t want my kids to follow in the path that their dad and I had.  I didn’t want them exposed to the things that brought us to the point of pregnancy and marriage at 18 and 19/20.

I liked home schooling well enough.  I had lots of support and friends who were home schooling.  I don’t know that I did a real good job at it.  When my kids went back to school in the formal classrooms they were not ahead of the game in any way.  In fact in many ways they were behind.

Would it have been that way if HSSH had not chosen the beginning of the school year to drop his bomb, walk out, and wreck all things “normal” to us?  Maybe, maybe not.

I struggled to hold on to my home schooling “control”  until Thanksgiving that year.   The option to send my kids (tuition free) to a Christian school became available.  And the decision was made easily, in the midst of my shock and grief, to go ahead and let them go there.

The picture that comes to my mind is one of fingernails holding on to a piece of wood and slipping and splintering out of my grip slowly and painfully.  That is how I lost control of all the things that I was trying to control in my life, my husband, my marriage, my children, my house, my adoptions.  I tried to hold on to all of them.  But found that I couldn’t hold on.

Looking back, I am extremely thankful for that school year that the kids were in private school.  They were very well taken care of, tutored, and loved, by people and students who know what a hard time our family was going through.  They truly helped us out in every way that they could, made things easier on us, and help the kids get to the level they needed to be at.

But, as the school year ended and my head was slowly beginning to stop spinning quite so fast, and a little less often, I began to feel like I needed to send my kids back to the public school.  It felt like a crazy idea at first.  With all I knew about home schooling, private school, and public school, I should not be feeling led to send my kids back into public school.

What about all the fears?  What about the peer pressure?  What about the way my life happened after being in public school?  What about HSSH’s life?  Could I face all those fears?  Were they real?  Was I really trusting God with my kids?

I can remember being at the school for one of the kid’s 4-H projects.  I walked around the school praying.  I questioned my ability to make a choice.  I walked down a hall, and saw a class list for my youngest son in school, Lucas.  As I scanned the list, I realized outside of two girls, he really didn’t know anyone on that list.  I thought, I can’t do this to him.  And in my spirit I heard, “You need to give him to ME.”  and the peace began to come.

I did need to trust God with my kids.  I needed to listen and let them go to school where God wanted them to go, instead of where I wanted them to go.  Had I been making all my choices based on my own fears, needs, desires, and hopes?  Had I ever really trusted God with my kids?  Or had I been trying to be God to them and control everything (very poorly I might add)?

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  --John 17:15-18

These verses were where the final peace about school came for me.  God was sending them into the world, and I needed to trust Him.  My eyes were opened, and I saw my control as the disobedience it really was.  I was convicted to change and to learn to trust God with my children. 

There are times that I still fear.  Ours lives are so different than I thought they would be right now.  But I do have peace.  I am learning to trust God with my kids.  Realizing I am doing and have done the best I could do in the circumstances we have been in and with what I knew.  The rest I am leaving to the grace of God.

I am thankful that I can have wonderful friends in all areas of schooling.  I can listen to my home school friends talk about curriculum and not feel jealous or angry that I can't do that anymore.  I can be content that my kids are where God wants them to be, and there is nothing better than being in the will of God.

Lord Jesus, bless all of the children as they head back to school, home, private, or public.  Bless all the teachers, parents, and staff.  Guide each of us in our place in this world, that we may be exactly where God wants us to be.  Protect each child from the evil one, sanctify them with Your truth.  We thank You, we praise You, we love You, in Jesus name, Amen.

Pam