Try Living.

Last weekend when we were watching Beth Moore, Live Via Simultcast from Louisville, her worship leader spoke at the beginning.  His name is Travis Cottrell.  I just found this on his blog!  You will hear Travis singing, and see pictures of the people who were at LIVE, Live in Louisville!

Living Proof Live Louisville KY Simulcast from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

As Travis spoke, he told us of a time he was leading worship, and someone was wearing a T-shirt in the audience that said “TRY LIVING”. He said that during the whole performance he was convicted about that statement.

I am sure we can all be convicted about that statement.  It’s what we do with our conviction that counts though isn’t it? 

As much as I’ve hated and not wanted to just barely function and live in survival mode over the past almost 3 years since HSSH left, there have been so many days that have been just that.  A friend will call and ask how I am, and my answer would be “I’m breathing”.  Living one moment at a time, not able to look beyond this moment without the overwhelm  setting in.

I would grow tired of living that way and resolve myself to functioning.  And I could do it for awhile.  Until some circumstance would hit and send me tumbling back into that oblivion that I’ll call the pit.

Recently, I’ve set that resolve again, but this time with the honesty that there is no human way I am capable of stopping these circumstances from coming and putting me into these barely functioning days.

I watched my friend, Dorie, return to her life after being here and get hit with depression and despair all over again.  We have fought this together for so long, and as I listen and try to encourage her along the way, a part of me is gripped in fear for knowing that at any moment I could be back right where she is.  It is a very familiar place. I’ve visited there often.  And the more you visit the easier it becomes to return.

I’ve fought these circumstances that I find myself in, divorced-single-mom, for so long.  Even typing them now, an anxiety builds.  That can’t be me!  How did this happen?  How do I live like this?  I want to be restored, but this isn’t what I want for my life.  So how do I live? 

I honestly don’t know how.  All I can say is that as I learn to be honest with God over these things and as I learn to surrender them to Him, somehow He seems to be doing it (gasp) without my efforts.  I have failed too many times to think that I could do this on my own will-power.  It’s taken 3 years of digging my muddy fingernails up out of pit of slim and despair repeatedly to finally understand that.

And even today, I type with hesitation, short term memory loss could set in at any time…

Last night I took a major step in the healing process!  PTL!  My sil, Judy, came over and I was telling her about a dilemma I have.  Cooking. 

I’ve never enjoyed cooking.  At least not nearly as much as I enjoy eating.  Ahem.  Anyway, I’ve learned some things about survival and cooking.  First of all, buying those frozen casseroles from Stouffer's is still cheaper than going to McDonalds with 6 kids.  Cardboard pizza and chicken nuggets, hot dogs and nachos.  They all get old and expensive and fattening over time.

This has been life in survival mode for me.  I used to cook.  I used to plan.  I used to have lists.  I used to have menus.  Now, I can’t seem to put the thoughts together to make a list ahead of time, so I muddle through Walmart with my children and end up buying only snacks, frozen meals (because in reality I know those are what I will end up making) and 1/2 the ingredients for a meal or two that I won’t end up making because I won’t have the right ingredients when I get home!

Quite honestly, part of me didn’t even really care.  Without a husband to cook for much of the pleasure was gone.  And I also found some pain there coming from another source.

It’s hard to describe.  There are parts of who I was before HSSH left that I really don’t like about myself.  I’ve had a hard time letting myself be anything like that person at all, because then I might become that person. 

And that person got left. 

As much as I know in my mind that none of this was my fault.  Who I was didn’t cause him to make the choices he made.  Who he was did.  My decisions didn’t cause him to lie.  My lifestyle didn’t force him to cheat. 

As much as I know these things, there is still pain.

As I pulled out the recipe books and recipe cards with Judy last night, there was an anxiety in me that was trying to choke and stop me.  We pushed through together, though and came up with enough practical ideas to fill 4 weeks of meals with 5 meals per week!

After she left, I was tempted to just shove it all back into the cupboard and deal with it later. 

That “later” would have turned into, never (or the next time someone “helped” me along).  And we would have started the busy school year and ball game schedule eating frozen meals and carry out, and the meat I’ve been given would have rotted away in the deep freezer.

I put the little ones to bed, and tackled those menus with grace and strength that were definitely not my own.  I now have 4 weeks of menus complete with grocery lists!  This is 3/4 of the battle for me!

I’d still like to type out the lists and save them so I can keep reusing them, but at least I can use these for now if I don’t get that done soon!

Healing can be much like peeling and onion I’ve heard.  I guess that is true.  Another layer was peeled off last night, and VICTORY was won!

TRY LIVING!  I really want to.  Help me Jesus!

Pam