Lord, bring clarity to my mind…

I sit here with the now familiar tingle that I get when I know that I must put words to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths, lies, and experiences that have been going on behind the blog this week…

You may have wondered what was happening for real, if you read my post on Thursday…. or if you read my Twitters, you knew some things were going on and I was dealing with them…

What happened to make me feel shattered again?  What was that letter I twittered about from HSSH?  How did I really feel about James first college visit?  What about the counseling this week? 

I sit here on Sunday morning in awe that so much went on this week.  That my emotions were all over the place.  That God brought me so much healing.  And that the pain of watching someone fall so far still goes on…

Rewinding back to the beginning of the week…Easter Sunday, HSSH called our house and left a message while we were in church.  There was not a doubt, and know one had to be told, that he had called at a time when he knew that no one would be home.  We go to the same church, with the same hours, that we went to all the years he lived with us as our husband and father… no one said anything about calling him back, and we moved on…

On Tuesday, James called his dad to invite him to a track meet.  Because James knows that if the sporting event is close to his dad’s house, at a certain school, his dad will come.  James told me after the call was made that he had made it. 

He also told me that HSSH had written a letter to his 6 kids.

I try really hard not to say anything that is bad mouthing or that I wouldn’t want HSSH to read if he ever found my blog, or read it one day… I don’t think that there would be any argument in his mind (today there would be, but not if he ever reads this with a healed mind) that HSSH is still falling, falling, falling… and with that the things that He does that are painful to watch, and effect us, just keep coming.

The letter came on Wednesday.  I opened it.  Planning to take it with me to counseling the next day, and ask for advice on how to handle it.  The letter was no surprise to me.  I had heard him say everything that the letter said before.  But, this time I am supposed to let my kids read it? 

See, when someone is falling they will find anyone to blame for the direction they are going, as long as it is not themselves.  And if it has to become a situation that the blame falls on innocent children… then that falling person ignorantly, blindly, desperately lets that happen.

So, I have this letter.  I am appalled.  I am stressing.  I am questioning.  I am screaming… remember the "shattered" post.  That is then.

James, on the other hand, is not home. School to track meet.  James starts texting me from the track meet.  Telling me about his time in the 110 hurdles, where he cut a whole second from his time, and only  missed 1st place by .2 seconds (don’t miss that decimal point!)

My inquiring mind of course wanted to know if his dad showed up.  He had. 

I told James I was glad for him that his dad came.  I also told James that the letter that his dad had told him about had come in the mail.

James said, “do me a favor and throw it away”

What?

My first reaction was, NO WAY!  You are not going to be ignorant of this man’s doings if you are going to invite him to be a part of your life! 

My second reaction was relief.  Well, if James wants it thrown away then I guess I won’t have to show it to the rest of the kids will I?

Suddenly, I could see it.  The hand of God.  The reality that even when I didn’t feel Him.  When I was kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum very parallel in thought if not in action to my daughters the week before, God DID have things under control.  He knew how He would protect my kids.

By the time James got home I was completely in agreement with the “throw it away” plan.  But, I knew that if it happened, James had to be the one to do it, and not me.  I told him so, and he walked to the trash can and threw it in.

Again, my 17 year old is showing more maturity than his 38 year old father. 

Peace.

Another storm calmed.

The next day when I went to counseling, she was in full agreement with how things had been handled with the letter. 

James had even told me that HSSH had said he was “feeling dumb” about the letter since James called him before James even read it…

YA THINK!!

Grrrrrrr

In watching the video study of Esther, Thursday morning, I felt God’s voice speaking to me once again.  This was session six.  Beth was calling the events that were happening in the sixth chapter of Esther a “reversal of destiny”.

“A reversal of destiny:  However it appears the events are going.  God picks it up turns it around, and you have to say ‘That has to be God’”

Where I see us with this whole journey is at a place like that.  Somehow God is going to have to create some event in HSSH’s life that is going to literally pick him up, turn him around 180 degrees and set him on a different course.  I confess, I don’t see it happening any other way.  I also confess, I doubt it ever happening.  I guess that is why Beth says “you will have to say ‘That has to be God.’”

Yesterday, I received in the mail another blow.  This time from the prosecuting attorney’s office.  A year of unemployment for HSSH is up, and it seems until he finds employment we won’t be getting any child support.

That is really hard to stomach. 

There is so much room for bitterness and anger with just this topic alone.

God has been so good to provide for us in all ways.  The church HE has us in sees us, and they give to us more than we could ever deserve.  God knows.  God provides.  God will not leave us.

While the temptation to verbally drive HSSH into the ground for the past weeks’ events is huge… please don’t go there.  It helps no one.  Especially not us.

I confess that I don’t understand the why’s of all of this.  But, I do feel God’s presence and know that in Him, all things will work together for good.  Even when we can’t see.  I know, because going on 4 years now, He has never once let me down.

MckMama wrote a post yesterday called Transparency.  I can relate so well to her words, regardless of our very differing circumstances.  Hoping that you can relate to my words regardless of our different paths.

“He wants me, and my life, and this blog, to bring Him glory.” –MckMama

I pray that as you read this today, it brings God glory for being the ONE who is ABLE to bring us through hard, long, unfair, unimaginable, circumstances.  That is the purpose. 

GLORY TO GOD!!

Pam