Finally Friday

It’s been a long week.

If you’ve read any of my posts this week you know that.

If you haven’t read any of them, don’t bother.

So much frustration.  So much worry.  So much fear.  So much doubt.  So much pain.

Why can’t it all just go away and life can be easy?

I am sure we could come up with all kinds of psychological, spiritual, and emotional answers for those questions.

So what’s my answer?

“Just think—you don't need a thing, you've got it all! All God's gifts are right in front of you as you wait expectantly for our Master Jesus to arrive on the scene for the Finale. And not only that, but God himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus. He will never give up on you. Never forget that.”  --The Message, 1 Cor. 1:7-9

Even when I worry?

Even when I doubt?

Even where I fear?

Even when I am so frustrated?

Even when I want to run away?

Even when it hurt so bad?

…Yes, my child… especially then…

Jadon’s “first day of preschool”

 

And when I picked him up…

SMILES!!  Beautiful, glorious smiles!  Hallelujah, Praise the Lord… it was a good day!

I wasn’t blogging back when things were really bad with Jadon.  He has come so far through counseling, prayers, and time.  His anger issues made anything Kiahna did yesterday look like nothing.  He has come so far!!

I put his “first day” in quotes, because in many ways it isn’t his first day.  It was his first day at this program.  He is going to another program two days a week, that already started, and I didn’t get any pictures of.   And he has been in a year and a half of preschool before this year.  Kindergarten will be next fall for Jadon.

Kiahna and Jadon are attending preschool at the same place.  Jadon’s class is held Tuesday and Thursday, and Kiahna’s Monday and Wednesday.  While Kiahna goes to her class on Monday and Wednesday, Jadon is going to the day care/preschool at the public school my other kids attend.

He thinks the program at the school (called latch-key) is so great!  He gets to go out and play on the playground and see his cousin who is in kindergarten!  He also gets to go to the lunch room and eat like the big kids and pack his lunch!  BIG STUFF!

YES!  The really exciting thing is that for me I now get to have 2 1/2 hours a week of scheduled time without kids!!  WHOO-HOO!!! 

I have decided to volunteer in the classroom where Lucas is, and my good friend Jeanne teaches, on Wednesdays.  So that really only leaves me Mondays for doing something on my own.  I really don’t want to go home and clean the house or spend that time at Walmart either!  What to do, what to do!?!

This schedule makes our mornings pretty busy.  It will be an adjustment and some learning to get out the door on time in the mornings.  Especially if I am going to do anything besides come back home after I drop them off!!

I have analyzed, re-analyzed, and given up on trying to figure out what to do to help Kiahna’s next day of preschool go better than her first day went.  One thing that the teacher told me was that Kiahna seemed to be angry.  I feel like that was part of it.  For some reason she was angry, or scared, and it came out this way.  Anymommy left me a comment on the post about her daughter (who was also adopted) reacting in much the way Kiahna did when she is scared or feeling out of control.  And how she uses “time-in’s” with her.  I have learned to do this with Kiahna too, but mostly because she refuses to stay in a time-out chair if I place her there by herself.

The truth of the matter is that Kiahna could be perfectly fine the next 4 times she goes to preschool, and then do this again all of the sudden one day.

I was actually quite shocked that she acted like this for them yesterday.  While she has done this before, I wasn’t even thinking that she would do this again.  She has seemed to mature so much this summer and she has been doing much better. 

When I went to get Jadon today, I was hoping I wasn’t going to be shocked again!  I expected him to do well.  And he did!

Thanks for all your nice comments, e-mails, and phone calls, and most of all the prayers.

“’Today was a difficult day.

Tomorrow will be better.’”

--Mr. Slinger in the book, Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse

…and it is.

Pam

It’s at the end of a day like this…

…that I know.  I know I am not in this alone.  I know that God is still bigger than all of the trials and frustrations that drag me down.  Otherwise I would NOT be here blogging tonight, I am pretty sure I would be somewhere about 200 miles from home…

Every one of them did something that irritated today…

…the lie that one of them is refusing to admit to…

….the carpool driver that one of them forgot to tell he wasn’t coming home to…

… the incessant talking, interrupting and asking questions…

…the loads of homework, and the lack of desire to do it…

…the fever and the whining…

…of course the first day of preschool catastrophe...

I wasn’t very patient.  I wasn’t very tolerant.  I yelled.  I cried.  I blew it way more times that I like to remember or admit to.

I apologized.  I sent some to bed early. 

I took a fast walk.

I remembered something I read this morning (was that just this morning?  what a long day this has been)

“Sometimes life is so atrocious that surviving is its own great achievement and a strange proof of sorts that God must exist.”  --Beth Moore, Stepping Up 

Pam

Kiahna’s first day of preschool

And this was her at pick up time…

“’Today was a difficult day.

Tomorrow will be better.’”

--Mr. Slinger in the book, Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse

I was surprised at her behavior, and yet I wasn’t.  I have a very strong willed daughter.  I also have a very good, quiet daughter.  They are the same girl.  Sometimes you just don’t know which you will get.

Today she scratched, threw crayons, stomped on the teachers foot, and sat most of the day in time out.

She was so happy and excited to go.  I don’t understand. 

The teachers were very patient and consistent with her.  That is what she needs.

I hope that this gets better and that she stops this so she can continue to go to preschool.

We came home and got one of our library books out to read.  It just happened to be Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse, with the exact phrase we needed to hear.  Thanks for the book list 4evermom!  I took the list to the library and got quite a few of your recommendations!

I’m really not a bad mom.  I really don’t know why my daughter acts that way.  I really don’t understand.  I need wisdom and strength to know what to do.

Let me repeat my prayer from yesterday, the day before, and the day before, and the…

HELP ME JESUS, AMEN!

Pam

Wordless Wednesday

Roll mouse over pictures for captions.

To visit more Wordless Wednesday blogs click here.

Pam

The Weekend

Thanks for all the prayers and nice comments over the past few days.

Things are pretty high stress over here as we deal with our emotions over the weekend visit/no-visit with HSSH.

Your continued prayers would really be appreciated.

My high stress affects everyone.  I am doing my best to press through and keep functioning.  (I even did my tackle today).  My bed is made, my kitchen is clean, my bathroom is swished and swiped.  I even just burned the hamburger I am going to use in my crock pot meal later today.  But, my heart really isn’t in it like it was.  I am on the verge of tears, and feel grouchy and angry.

It sucks being the stable one sometimes.  The kids take their frustrations out on me that they can’t take out on their dad.  Subconsciously mostly.  Right now that feels like more than I can handle.

Just keep us in your prayers for us to keep living, and not slip back into only surviving.

My head is starting to hurt.  I have to take Kiahna to the pediatrician for her 4 year check up today.  There is a ball game at 5.  I am sure there will be homework.  And all this, with us all being a little more stressed than usual.

Help us Jesus, Amen.

Pam

Tackle it Tuesday #4

Today I have decided that my tackle is going to be the beginning of my HUGE kitchen project I’ve been wanting to get to for a couple of months.

Last summer, when I first decided that I wanted to take on the project, I decided that I would wait until school started to start.  Now, I have to deal with a busy car-pool schedule for preschool.  Two boys playing football.  And all the other activities and chores it takes to keep a family of 7 going on my own.  It’s never going to be a good time to start this project if I look at how big the project is!

This tackle may take me months, but I have to start somewhere if I am going to do this!  So today I started!

Before pictures:

I taped off all the cabinets.  I removed the hardward for my old curtians.  I began sanding them up with steel wool.

It doesn’t look like much, but it is a start!  The finished project is supposed to have a rustic, worn, distressed look.  I practiced on the insides of two of the cabinets this summer.  This is what they looked like…

I also applied the technique to my hutch…

Before:

After:

So there you have it.

Click here to play along with Tackle it Tuesday

Pam

Monday Menu Plan #1

Okay, time to officially share a menu this week… because I need extra motivation to do this and sharing it gives me that.  Clicking the picture link above or Click here to play along with Monday Menu Planning.

Monday:  Grilled chicken, Uncle Ben’s Wild Rice, Salad, watermelon.

Tuesday:  (a crock pot meal to eat when we get home from the JV football game)  Chili and Cheese on Rice, salad, corn bread.

Wednesday:  Minute Steak, Rice, Peas, Grands Biscuits.

Thursday:  (boys will be eating at home alone, while me and the girls go to a wedding shower)  Chicken Nuggets, French fries, carrot sticks.

Friday:  Eat out on the way to hour away Varsity Foot ball game.

Saturday:  Chicken BBQ fundraiser tickets.  Make cake for Kiahna’s birthday party with the family.

Sunday:  Pour in a Pan Pizza, salad.

I know many people share their recipes.  Seems like too many recipes to start out with!  I think I will choose one to share.  One of my families favorites,  Pour in a Pan Pizza.

Pour in a Pan Pizza

from a long ago edition of Quick Cooking.

1 cup flour

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/8 tsp pepper

2/3 cup milk

2 eggs beaten

1 lb bulk Italian sausage (or hamburger)

1 pkg. (3 1/2 oz) sliced pepperoni

I cup pizza sauce.

2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese

Opt:  2 Tbs. chopped onion, chopped green pepper, green olives, or mushrooms

In a bowl combine the flour, salt, garlic powder and pepper.  Stir in milk and eggs.  Pour into a greased 9 x 13.  In a skillet cook sausage and drain.  Sprinkle sausage over the crust.  Top with pepperoni and other optional toppings.  Bake uncovered at 425 for 15 min.  (toothpick test).  Spread with pizza sauce and sprinkle with cheese.  Bake 5 minutes longer or until cheese is melted.  Let stand 5 minutes before serving or cutting.

Happy Cooking!

Pam

A Jadon Funny

Last night when we were bike riding with my parents, we stopped to talk to some family that was camping.  When we started up again, my parents, who have identical bikes except for the seats, switched bikes.  (actually, I think dad stole mom’s bike for the nicer seat, but that’s just my guess, LOL) 

We all took off ahead of mom.

When she caught up, Jadon said to her, “Grandma you have the wrong bike.”

Grandma:  I was too busy trying to catch up to notice.

Jadon:  Who’s tonotice?

Grandma:  I said, I was too busy trying to catch up to notice.

Jadon:  Who’s tonotice?  Is he a dog or a boy?

Grandma:  (best laugh she’s had all day!)

Pam

The only cure I found for depression

Back in the days when I used to feel like I felt yesterday pretty much every day.  I learned much about depression, anxiety, and frustration.  I found this little quote somewhere, and adopted it as my own.

Praising and Thanking God all day long are the only cure I've found for depression.

Medicine, exercise, food, talking with friends, getting away for awhile… those all help with the symptoms.  But, the cure always comes from gaining perspective over the circumstances by focusing on what I have, and being thankful for it rather than what I don’t have.

It has not been an easy road to figuring this out.  You may want to pat me on the back for the second post I did yesterday about gratitude.  But, it was only because I knew, from years of experience in the slimy, miry, pit of depression, that that was the ladder out.  My attitude stunk and I didn’t think I could do it, but I did.  And the depression did leave. 

I did cry.  I did get angry all over again at HSSH and the choices he made that have made our lives all divided up like they are.  At all the hurt he had caused with his selfish choices.  Anger is not a bad thing.  I’ve learned that too.  There is nothing wrong with feeling the emotion anger.  It’s learning what to do with that anger that is the tricky part.

Exercise is a great release for the anger.  Yelling and screaming and crying to the Lord, or a friend is a great release.  Being honest with myself, allowing myself to feel angry and upset is very freeing too.

So, I am putting the bike seat on my bike yesterday afternoon, and the tears came.  Tears of frustration, tears of self-pity, tears of anger.  Jadon looked at me and said, “are you crying?”  It’s hard to let them see me cry.  But, I think it is good too, it lets them know that this isn’t easy for me either.

Later when he figured out that some of the kids had went with dad and he didn’t get to go, it was his turn to get angry and cry.  I hope that I have taught him, mostly by example, healthy ways to deal with all the unfair things that happen to us.  It isn't fair.  It's downright wrong.  Yet, I can't change other people's choices.  As much as I'd like to fix all this I can't do this for my my kids. 

We went and picked up Dairy Queen for dinner.  We took it back to the park to eat it.  Neither kid ate even a bite of their food.  And then we took a long bike ride on the bike trails at the State Park, with Grandpa and Grandma.

Jadon riding ahead of us...

Kiahna in the seat behind me....

Jadon and Grandpa....

After coming back up out of the fog of depression and self-pity it can be hard to know how you ended up there again.  I've dealt with this whole visitation thing and the depression it brings so many times, how did I fall into that trap again.  I don't really know how.  I just know I don't want to go there again... but I know I will... and I know that I will get back out again... but by the Grace of God...

Come and listen, all you who fear God;
       let me tell you what he has done for me.

I cried out to him with my mouth;
       his praise was on my tongue.

If I had cherished sin in my heart,
       the Lord would not have listened;

but God has surely listened
       and heard my voice in prayer.

Praise be to God,
       who has not rejected my prayer
       or withheld his love from me!

Psalm 66:16-20

Pam