The fight to continue to let myself be weak, not become self sufficient and let HIM be strong continues. I shared with you awhile back about my strong nature, and the need to continue to bow my knee.
If you read my blog regularly, you know I spin a pretty full plate. Full for many reasons. Mostly, I believe, it is full because if it were not, I would take pride and credit for how I do things so well.
With a full plate, it doesn’t take much tipping to spill all over. Especially when the plate is spinning around over your head and out of your control 99.9% of the time.
I feel like my plate is very full. I have enough trials with raising my kids & dealing with an ex-husband, to keep my plate overflowing.
So, the thought of more coming on? The thought of more life difficulty? The daily “stuff” that happens in life. Oh how easily, the spinning, overflowing plate topples.
It seems my life calling is to be an example of how to fall over, spill you spinning plate all over the place, and get back up again.
To the Glory of God.
As I strive to grasp what it means for His strength to be made perfect in my weakness, every day I get to practice walking that one out. And as the plate gets fuller, I get weaker, and He gets stronger.
The current circumstance is my youngest child, Kiahna.
She is so beautiful. Just the thought that something could be less that perfect inside her little heart and mind brings tears.
But, preschool isn’t going well.
She displays temper tantrums that 4 year olds normally have outgrown.
She is incredibly quiet. (but has a full vocabulary and CAN communicate)
She wants me to be with her and help her all the time. (refusing to go to the bathroom alone, acting scared)
The preschool teachers asked that I stay with her yesterday, rather than leave her with them.
My parents want to help. They want me to get that break (this brings me tears too). So my dad stayed at preschool with her yesterday.
She did really well.
The teachers want my dad to come back again.
I am very thankful that my parents are willing. But, that is not “okay”. This is not “normal”.
Her fits seem to be the issue. She doesn’t want to transition from one activity to the other. So she throws a temper tantrum.
I took this picture of her last spring. I had strapped her in the car seat to restrain her. She unstrapped the car seat and was trying to leave the van with the car seat still attached to herself. All the while, screaming that “she was done” crying.
Then their was this one at the zoo this spring… which was repeated at the Arch Trip, in Church almost every week… at a track meet a couple weeks ago… at the school cafeteria last week… All I know to do is restrain her. I can’t explain the triggers.
Last week, she was angry at me for letting Lucas have her pudding she didn’t want. She threw her chocolate milk container. (In the school cafeteria) and milk sprayed all over Jadon and myself. She continued to scream, and hit if I released her hands, until we left the building.
I assume this is the behavior that the preschool can’t handle.
At two and even some at three you can get away with this kind of behavior. It is written off as “terrible twos” etc. But at four, it gets stares. It gets judgment that somehow I’m not doing what I need to be doing as a parent.
Yesterday was hard. I feel like I am facing yet another giant. (yes, I’ve watched the movie, I own the movie, I bawl every time)
We head back to the counselor on Wednesday, the pediatrician on Thursday. This time with paperwork filled out with behavior patterns on it. It’s hard to fill those out.
It’s hard to think that there could be something terribly wrong inside of my beautiful baby… something that no amount of my love can fix…
And I cry… because I don’t see how this fits on my plate… because my parents are so amazingly supportive… because my friends are so amazingly supportive… but most of all because my God is so amazingly able to bring strength out of my complete inability to function.
I plead with you for prayers. I don’t know how I am ever going to deal with this. All I know is that I have learned that God can be trusted. I have dealt with so many things that I couldn’t deal with. I have walked through the fires that I couldn’t walk through.
And ONLY for HIS Glory, will I ever be able to do it again.
Pam
19 comments:
I am new to your blog and already I can see that you have a beautiful beautiful heart to match you beautiful family. I am so sorry you are walking through this rough rough road a but encouraged that you know you do not walk it alone.
I am sorry for your pain and struggles. God loves that beautiful girl more than you do. Keep looking to Him, and He will see you both through this.
Sometimes I feel helpless because I can't help or give you profound advise, but then you remind us: PRAY! We can all do that.
Thanks for sharing. You have SUCH a gift of communicating your thoughts and feelings. God Bless!
I 1st wrote out "sorry your are going though this" but then I thought about what you wrote and What God has shown me also.. and Sorry isn't the right thing to say.. you are so right, God is going to use this for his Glory and there is nothing to be sorry about in that..
I'll keep you in and Kiahna in my prayers, that God does his perfect will in both of your lives.. (((HUGS)))
I will certainly be praying for you. When ever I have a situation with my kids I ask God for wisdom, to show me how I can make things better. He does show me in that "still small voice" he speaks to me. He will help you, you serve Him and He wants the best for you. I pray for peace in her little spirit and for joy,peace and strength to flood your home and lives. I pray God will give you wisdom to know how the handle this.
Oh, Pam...you know you have my prayers. God is good Pam..All the time. He has a plan for you and your precious family. HE is in control. I know that you know all that...but I just felt like I should type it out. Praying for you friend.
Mimi
I will be praying for you! You are a fantastic mother for just being "aware". Many times parents want to just ignore the difficult situations with their children in hopes it will go away. I am NO expert, by any means, however from where I sit, I think you are on the right track. Of course, praying and using God's strength to pull you through is THE best approach. My heart aches for you. I send you prayer wishes of peace. God bless!
Kelly, I can see why parents want to ignore it. I WANT to ignore it! I don't want to swallow the lump that says that something is wrong with my child(ren).
Lisa, I do feel like He is giving me more direction in the past 24 hours. Even just to go into the DR's office with more thoughts and perspective on her behaviors.
All of you, thanks for the kind comments and promises of prayer. We need them.
Pam,
I know you are busy, but I left you a little something on my blog..if you have time to pick it up.
Mimi
Yes, your in my prayers too. I have no words of wisdom just that I think you are so strong even if you don't feel it.
you are such a wonderful mother, she is quite a lucky girl. being concerned and there with open arms is all a mommy can do sometimes. i wish you the best of luck and say a line that i know sounds SO lame, but true "This too shall pass..."
God Bless
Hang in there Pam! I'll keep praying hard for you! I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with all you handle!! I look up to you in so many ways and I also love that you look to Him for all the answers!!
Prayers going up for you. I could have written this post about my oldest son 4yrs ago. There are still diagnosis that I'm not counting out but thus far we haven't had to go that route.It's tough but God is bigger.
I know where you are with her and the temper tantrums. I've been there. You will find a way to help her. You're an amazing mother and, yes, she might need more than just love, she might need therapy and tough, tough structure, but you'll do it. Hugs.
I think as tough as it is to acknowledge there might be a bigger problem, it's a sign of strength. As you know, it's a huge leap of faith to reach out and say there might be a problem, this might be bigger than what I can handle, I need help. I am very impressed with your parenting. Keep asking, keep reaching until you feel like you're getting the answers you need. I think you're right--you've been a mom a long time, your inner voice is telling you there's something more, this isn't right. There's help out there somewhere, I know it, just keep reaching. {{{Hugs}}}
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how it feels, we have been through some of these same issues with our daughter.
I see that Kiahna was adopted at birth, ours was adopted at 14 mo. Though it would seem that what Kiahna is experiencing isn't related to her adoption, it's possible. Either way, here is a book that could help.
I'm recommending it because what Kiahna is going through sounds so familiar to me and similar to what our daughter has gone through. She is now almost 4. I know it is terribly difficult.
Here is the book: The Connected Child. Written by Karyn B. Purvis and David R. Cross.
Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001
It's very well written and easy to read.
I got it from the library, but I am also going to buy it.
Of course as you also know, above all - prayer. The Lord can heal whatever is going on inside her little heart and mind.
Just wanted you to know I care and see if you might want to get the book. Hang in there. I know it is so hard. God can bring you both through it. He is what helped me the most, during those hard times.
I ditto what Sarah said. I wish I would have something profound to say, but I will fervently pray!! Thank you for sharing, Pam.
Oh my goodness, where have I been?
I am so sorry that things are hard right now. I will be praying and thinking about you.
Please call me if you want to talk.
Love,
Michelle
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