Confession…Introduction

I confess.  I love to write.  In many ways writing has saved my life.  If I would keep all the things inside I would explode, or die of poisoning!  Writing and talking about things gets the poison out.  Gets the lies out.  Gets the truth out. 

It is interesting, I have had this post, and the ones that will follow on this topic, bouncing around in my head for a few days.  And as they were bouncing I read that my new blog friend, Stacy, over at anymommy,  has been feeling the same way.  She exposed her heart about their disrupted adoption… I could write about that.  Then not long after I found that another mom, who’s blog I can’t seem to find at the moment, had also read Stacy’s brave story and felt the courage to share her own heart with the blog world.  Her story was one of miscarriage… I could write about that too.  Then I read last night about a family who’s little girl they adopted from Haiti was just diagnosed with leukemia.  Please Pray for Abby, who’s family looks remarkably like mine was supposed to look, and who’s mommy’s heart for adoption reflects many things that mine feels… I could write about that.

So what am I going to do with my blog?  In the beginning it was merely a place to send some pictures to a few close friends who’s e-mails were getting clogged up with my huge e-mail files that included pictures.  It is evolving into something else.  And to be quite honest I have fear.

The things that we have been through and I feel like I am being asked to share involve other people.  If those other people read this, what will they say?  How will they use it against me?  I won’t be using real names for these people.  Okay, one person really.  My ex-husband.   Yes, I have an ex-husband.  I am divorced.  I still can’t believe it.  I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would be using that word to describe me.

Who I used to be… I used to be a very different person than I am today.  We all change.  Some of us the easy way, some not so easy.  I don’t really like many of the things about the person I used to be.  Mainly the way I used to think.  The pride I used to harbor.  The fears I used to have.  The secrets I used to hide. 

I didn’t even realize I was hiding secrets.  I didn’t realize I was so afraid or proud either. 

I used to be a home school mom.  I used to be an adoption (I want to use the word freak, but that doesn’t sound quite right) I was obsessed with adoption.  I got pregnant before I married my HSSH (high school sweet heart, hope you don’t mind Stacy, seems better than making up a name for him).  I met HSSH when I was 15.  We married when I was 3 months pregnant and 18 years old.  He went active in the army.  I’ve been an army wife.  We lived in Germany and Texas during those years.  We had 3 more children.  We moved back to where we both grew up to raise our kids.  We owned our own business.  We devoted our lives to our children, our church, our God.  We adopted 2 kids.  We were in the process of adopting a third.

Life was not perfect, but I can make it sound like it was.  Of course it was hard.  Of course we had our struggles.  We had 3 birth mom’s change their minds and decide to parent their babies.  I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever endure.

HSSH and I made some business choices that led to us losing the business for reasons out of our control.  HSSH began to be depressed.

My journal entry from September 6, 2005…

Oh God, help me to reach out to him.  I want so much more out of our relationship, but I have no idea how to get it.  I confess to You that I am afraid.  Afraid that he has fallen into sin that will destroy his soul.  I see him moving farther away from both of us.  I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I need to let go of the plans I have for another adoption.  HSSH needs me to give him more.  It absolutely breaks my heart to think of saying no to this baby and see someone else take it.  But he needs to be my top priority.  As he is pulling away from me, I need so much wisdom and guidance.  It is the desire of my heart to have HSSH’s time, attention, love, and spend time talking to him.  That is my #1 priority.  I don’t think he feels it.  Help me to make that happen.  And if I have to give up this adoption to make that happen grant me the ability to do that.  My heart wants both, If I can’t, I choose HSSH.  Help me dear Lord.  Refine me as silver, that I may see Your ways.  Do Your will.  Walk in Your light.

Two weeks later, on a Friday evening, we had returned from a Home School event.  HSSH wanted to talk.  I was glad.  I knew something was bothering him and we needed to talk.  What he said was not anything like I had ever even let myself fear.

He had fallen into adultery.  He confessed.  He cried.  I cried.  I told him we would be okay.  I was relieved in a sense.  Finally knowing what the problem was meant we could get help and fix this, right?  Wrong.  He decided not to accept my forgiveness and walked out that very same night, with nothing.

Our lives have been changed forever.