The beginning…

The memory of that night is etched deeply in my mind.   The pain of it brings tears to my eyes even now.

It was very late, after midnight when HSSH fled from our home. 

It felt like something came in and stole him from me.

I called my parents and woke them.  I told them I was coming over.

I was strong until I walked up on the porch of my parent’s house. I fell into my dad’s arms.  I wailed like I don’t believe I have ever wailed before, and pray I never will again.

I had to calm enough to get the words out and tell them what had happened.  Their tears and weeping met with mine.

Before HSSH walked out, I really felt we were going to be okay.  I had a peace I can’t explain.  I knew we would make it through. 

Now I was afraid.  Where did he go?  What was he doing?  Why did he run?  What happened?

He was so broken.  So ashamed.  So very sorry for what he had done.  He hated himself.  He couldn’t look at me or touch me.

The next day is also etched in my mind.  I love the autumn days.  It was one of those perfect September days.  I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  It was all going to go away.  He was going to drive back in the drive at any moment.

But, as the day wore on.  He didn’t come back.  He finally called.  The news of where he was broke my heart all over again.  This is not happening to me.  To us.  To our family.

I stood at my living room window wondering what I was going to do.  What people were going to do?  Who would be here for me?  Would anyone care for us? 

I went to my Bible for help.  I found it.  It was the only thing that brought me peace.  The first scripture I wrote in my journal after HSSH left was Isaiah 49:13-16…

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
       the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
       I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
       your walls are ever before me.

As the days moved forward,

Shock begin to settle in. 

Things begin to get fuzzy.

People started finding out.

People started helping.

I have no recollection of how my children were handling things. 

I remember trying to give them hope that their dad was returning.

Supermom had died and their dad was gone.

I couldn’t eat.  I learned a new level of grief.  One that involved no appetite.  No caring.  The most horrifying way to lose the 20 lbs you’ve been wanting to lose.

My children’s schooling began to concern others.  I was the one responsible.  It wasn’t happening.  Someone paid the tuition for them to go to a private school.

I think I walked around my house in a daze.  Talked on the phone.  Took long walks to clear my head.  Poured over the Bible, searching for an answer.  Prayed.

Meals began to come in from loving friends.  My neighbor started organizing who would bring meals when.

People sent cards.

People sent money.

We didn’t hear from HSSH often, but when we did it would send me into a tail spin that would last for days. 

Days moved into weeks, weeks into months, months have become years.

A friend told me of her sister and her husband separating for a year and reconciling.  My thoughts were, “I can’t do this for a year”.

Breathing became a chore.  Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Forcing myself to eat.  Forcing myself to care.  Forcing myself to live.  God giving me the grace to do them.

The bottom came for me the day that friends came over to pick up my laundry to wash for us.  Nothing is more humbling than having someone wash your pathetic, neglected, unmentionables.

I was amazed at the help that came to us.  I was humbled.  I was blessed. 

Even last night in our Stepping Up Bible study with Beth Moore, she spoke of the American way being self sufficient.  That equals success in our society.  It brought to mind how we have become very “unsuccessful”.

People in this amazing community I live in stepped in and did so much for us.  They still do.  Meals, money, groceries, odd jobs, babysitting, cleaning, teaching, car pooling, talking, caring, listening, reading, writing, loving, praying, believing.

We needed a miracle.

Confession…Introduction

I confess.  I love to write.  In many ways writing has saved my life.  If I would keep all the things inside I would explode, or die of poisoning!  Writing and talking about things gets the poison out.  Gets the lies out.  Gets the truth out. 

It is interesting, I have had this post, and the ones that will follow on this topic, bouncing around in my head for a few days.  And as they were bouncing I read that my new blog friend, Stacy, over at anymommy,  has been feeling the same way.  She exposed her heart about their disrupted adoption… I could write about that.  Then not long after I found that another mom, who’s blog I can’t seem to find at the moment, had also read Stacy’s brave story and felt the courage to share her own heart with the blog world.  Her story was one of miscarriage… I could write about that too.  Then I read last night about a family who’s little girl they adopted from Haiti was just diagnosed with leukemia.  Please Pray for Abby, who’s family looks remarkably like mine was supposed to look, and who’s mommy’s heart for adoption reflects many things that mine feels… I could write about that.

So what am I going to do with my blog?  In the beginning it was merely a place to send some pictures to a few close friends who’s e-mails were getting clogged up with my huge e-mail files that included pictures.  It is evolving into something else.  And to be quite honest I have fear.

The things that we have been through and I feel like I am being asked to share involve other people.  If those other people read this, what will they say?  How will they use it against me?  I won’t be using real names for these people.  Okay, one person really.  My ex-husband.   Yes, I have an ex-husband.  I am divorced.  I still can’t believe it.  I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would be using that word to describe me.

Who I used to be… I used to be a very different person than I am today.  We all change.  Some of us the easy way, some not so easy.  I don’t really like many of the things about the person I used to be.  Mainly the way I used to think.  The pride I used to harbor.  The fears I used to have.  The secrets I used to hide. 

I didn’t even realize I was hiding secrets.  I didn’t realize I was so afraid or proud either. 

I used to be a home school mom.  I used to be an adoption (I want to use the word freak, but that doesn’t sound quite right) I was obsessed with adoption.  I got pregnant before I married my HSSH (high school sweet heart, hope you don’t mind Stacy, seems better than making up a name for him).  I met HSSH when I was 15.  We married when I was 3 months pregnant and 18 years old.  He went active in the army.  I’ve been an army wife.  We lived in Germany and Texas during those years.  We had 3 more children.  We moved back to where we both grew up to raise our kids.  We owned our own business.  We devoted our lives to our children, our church, our God.  We adopted 2 kids.  We were in the process of adopting a third.

Life was not perfect, but I can make it sound like it was.  Of course it was hard.  Of course we had our struggles.  We had 3 birth mom’s change their minds and decide to parent their babies.  I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever endure.

HSSH and I made some business choices that led to us losing the business for reasons out of our control.  HSSH began to be depressed.

My journal entry from September 6, 2005…

Oh God, help me to reach out to him.  I want so much more out of our relationship, but I have no idea how to get it.  I confess to You that I am afraid.  Afraid that he has fallen into sin that will destroy his soul.  I see him moving farther away from both of us.  I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I need to let go of the plans I have for another adoption.  HSSH needs me to give him more.  It absolutely breaks my heart to think of saying no to this baby and see someone else take it.  But he needs to be my top priority.  As he is pulling away from me, I need so much wisdom and guidance.  It is the desire of my heart to have HSSH’s time, attention, love, and spend time talking to him.  That is my #1 priority.  I don’t think he feels it.  Help me to make that happen.  And if I have to give up this adoption to make that happen grant me the ability to do that.  My heart wants both, If I can’t, I choose HSSH.  Help me dear Lord.  Refine me as silver, that I may see Your ways.  Do Your will.  Walk in Your light.

Two weeks later, on a Friday evening, we had returned from a Home School event.  HSSH wanted to talk.  I was glad.  I knew something was bothering him and we needed to talk.  What he said was not anything like I had ever even let myself fear.

He had fallen into adultery.  He confessed.  He cried.  I cried.  I told him we would be okay.  I was relieved in a sense.  Finally knowing what the problem was meant we could get help and fix this, right?  Wrong.  He decided not to accept my forgiveness and walked out that very same night, with nothing.

Our lives have been changed forever.

Walking Away

Have you ever felt like walking away? 

Today I did.

I put on my new country walker shoes and took off down my gravel road.

No cars past.

I saw no people.

I thought about life, God, and who I am.

I thought about blogs. 

I thought about the things I talk about in my blog.

I thought about the things other people talk about in their blogs.

I saw butterflies.

I smelled clover.

I realized why Thumper only wanted to eat the blossoms.

I wished I had my camera.

I picked some flowers.

I wondered about life.

I walked back into my house.

Got a glass of tea.

Walked back out.

I don’t always have to be working.

As much as I would love to live in an organized house, I don’t and never will.

Overwhelm threats me.

Frustration knocks on my door.

I have a story to tell, God is calling me to tell it.

What if no one is listening.

Then I will tell it to the butterflies, and the flowers will grant their applause.

No more pretending?

Take 3.

I had this all ready to send and the ELECTRICITY went out!  Would you believe it!! 

I made the slide show of my two daughters and 5 nieces last week.  They all wanted beads in their hair!  It was fun! 

What hasn’t been fun is getting this slide show to post.  I don’t want to even think about how much time I have spent this morning trying to get that slide show on here.  It works fine on the website, but it won’t transfer.  URG!  So here are the pictures anyway.  Maybe another day it will let me put the slide show on!  At least today it is letting me put on pictures!

All the girls…

Kiahna’s hair on the 4th!

I pushed the beads up on the braids with the stars on them.  I looped ribbon around the pony tail holder to have the streamers in her hair!  Still loving those big ballies!

Leah with 2 cornrows.

Kaitlyn, 4 braids…

Livia, 2 braids, 2 cornrows…

 

Whitney and Breann, who wanted their hair just the same, with snaps at the scalp and 6 braids each…

Hallie, a veil style with braids… snaps and beads…

That isn’t nearly as fun as that slide show I still can’t get to publish!  OH WELL!!

My finished hutch!!

Close up of the distressed look…

I am very pleased with the finished product!  I am going to try it out on the INSIDE of one of my kitchen cabinets today… we will see!!

This is a huge accomplishment for me!  If you are visiting my blog and don’t know me or my life for the past 3 years, you just have to know that this is God’s power to help someone accomplish the impossible!

PRAISE HIM!!

Leah had friends over yesterday.  I took them to the pool…

After we got home, the spent the rest of their evening practicing and putting on two plays!  Some of the girls had written one at the end of the school year and preformed it for their class, and the other one Leah spent the week writing!  A singer and a writer that girl!!

I’m gonna see if I can’t get a small clip to post.  I give myself 1 minute to accomplish it and I’m stopping… ready?  Go…

Okay, times up… I thought I had it…her are some pictures of their disaster, stage.

and performance…

l

Memories were made, pants were peed, laughter in abundance, Mt Dew was spilled, all is well…

The evening ended by staying up until 1 am to watch the first video tape of Anne (with an e) of Green Gables!  I see why it is so loved!  What a neat mother-daughter movie to watch!!  Thanks for suggesting it Kite Flying Sarah!

Hairku, Hutch, silly girls, and Anne of Green Gables…I’d show you if I could get my pictures to post….

 

The 4th is over

the hair is showin’ it’s color

time to get the brush!

Windows Writer is telling me I am out of memory space.  Whatever that means.

Pretend that there are pictures of Kiahna’s hair, Leah’s hair, and all my nieces hair with beads.

Pretend that I am showing you the fabulous job I did on my hutch.  And that it is done and beautiful.

Pretend that you see pictures of Leah and her friends over today.

Pretend that… oh you don’t have to pretend this one, I don’t have pictures for it… my friend, Kite Flying Sarah, threatened to ban highly recommended watching the Anne of Green Gables movies!  We went to the library and got the first 4 video tapes today! 

Headed to put one in and relax!  This computer is driving me nuts!

Pam

More building… staying out of God’s way?

Good Morning!

CHOOSING to take the time to write this morning!  I have less guilt when I know that I have started a load of laundry (Kiahna putting her Pull Up on inside out last night helped that process!)  I have run the dishwasher.  I am dressed to the shoes. 

I reached a point last week while we were at the lake where I decided that I was tired of living in survival mode.  And that I am tired of living in a shamble of a life.  I am tired of my life being unrestored just because I don't see things in the picture I want there.  I need my life restored.  My kids need my life restored.

Like I wrote the other day, I know that there have been times that I have let God begin to restore.  I begin to panic when I don't see things the way I want them and sink into a pit of doubt and frustration.

I confess I don't understand.  I don't understand what God has in mind.   Sometimes I get so confused.

Thanks for lending me the Meet Me at the Well book, Twila.  It continues to be so refreshing.  In the chapter "I feel like a miracle in slow motion" she writes this,

"Extended periods of stress can end in slow motion.  One by one the pressures release their grip.  You can breathe normally again.  Freedom seeps back by small degrees.   But will it last?  It seems too good to be true."

I relate to that.  Will it last this time?  Will I slip back into a state of overwhelm?  Will I become frustrated with my circumstances again today?

Coming home from the lake I had a renewed desire to do some house cleaning.  Realizing that this is a short season where we are actually NOT running carpools or sporting events made me realize I really need to do some things around here!  I was afraid I was going to overwhelm myself and take too big of bite and burn out fast!  So far I have had 2 good days of going back to FLY LADY and getting some things accomplished!  Fly Lady talks about baby steps.  Doing things 15 minutes at a time.  Having a morning routine. 

I wanted to freshen up my house again too.  Sunday night I was telling my sister what I wanted to do, and the ideas I had.  How I was afraid I would jump in with both feet and panic!  Then I said, lets just move this over here right now!  So we did!  We moved some things, we rearranged some of the pictures on my walls, we moved some of the decorations around!  It felt so good!!

One of my ideas is to paint my kitchen cabinets.  My neighbor did hers awhile back.  I remember how neat they were and how simple she said it was to do.  It is kind of the distressed look (fitting for me!  LOL!!)  I decided yesterday to try it out on a smaller project, my hutch.  I did.  At first I was in a panic, I wasn't sure at all if I liked it.  My mom and sister have come over and both given the thumbs up.  Not sure if I am up for doing the whole kitchen yet, or how it would look to do it in the whole kitchen, but I am considering it.

Here are some pictures of the progress…

Before…

After painting…

This is the top, not the bottom, but this is after sanding and staining over the paint to make distressed look…

I need to finish the bottom and do a coat of varnish on it.  Simple and not too overwhelming!!  (okay, I was a little stressed last night and sent the kids to bed without their evening routine).

But, when you have a teenager doing things like this what do you expect!!

 

First of all MY FLASH STARTED WORKING AGAIN ON MY CAMERA when I went to try to take this picture last night!  And as to why he is parked this direction (see my van behind his car parked the right direction) I have no clue.

I didn’t buy the insurance on my camera.  For it to start working properly is a miracle!!  THANK YOU JESUS!!!

I didn't start Kiahna's hair yet, painting is more fun.  It's looking pretty shabby (the hair, and the cabinet I guess!)

Have a good day!  Thanks for listening, praying and supporting us.

Pam

Lake Show!

After playing with my pictures from the lake most of the day yesterday!! Uploading 10 at a time is all my computer would allow!! x 250 pictures! Lots of trips to the computer and back!

I think I found a slide show that will fit my blog screen!! I am going to remove the fireworks one after today, it is too annoying with that fireworks sound out of control!! But OH SO COOL!! I’ll leave this one on! Same pictures in each!

Good bye fireworks!

A song and Zach’s birthday

Yesterday I took Zach and two of his friends out to eat and to see a movie. On the way home they had the radio playing. I heard this song, I imagine it has been around awhile, but I have never heard it… and having a seventeen year old son it really hit me. It’s Brad Paisley’s if I could write a letter to me.

Don’t you wish kids would and could learn from your mistakes instead of having to go out and make their own? (and that part about the skoal can and playboy better not hold true!! Oh and change “dad” to “mom”)

********************************************************

My camera is acting up. The flash isn’t working. I need to dig out the receipt and see if I bought the insurance. Uhg.

For what they are worth here are a few shots from the restaurant yesterday. Zach is on the left. See those plates of ribs!! They were stuffed!!!

The waitress took this for us…

Zach’s messy hands and face!

To top off the day, Zach got the best gift ever! LOL!! Just to show him how loved he is some of his friends came and TPed our house! They had a ball chasing them down and catching them, both on foot and with 4 wheelers. Oh my! They pulled most of it out of the trees last night, it was all over the ground this morning…

Building Houses…

This past March my Grandpa was in the hospital for a number of days before going to be with Jesus and his Clara Mae.  That is a story all of it’s own.  As he laid in his bed he would share memories he had of us.  It was an incredible experience.  The story he told about me was kind of odd.   But, these past few days, God has been using it to speak to me.

Jadon likes to hear the story of when I was a little girl with my Grandpa.  He asks me to tell it often as a bedtime story.  The story goes that Grandpa was helping with the building of my parent’s house.  I was 3 or 4 years old at that time.  And I got in the way and was hit in the head with a 2x4 he was carrying.  I was fine (or maybe that explains things?).  I went home with him that day to his house.  He recalled that I sang the whole 15 miles, repeatedly exclaiming how surprised Grandma would be to see me! 

Simple story.  Why is that what Grandpa remembered about me when he was laying on his death bed? 

This past week at the lake I had more time to think than usual.  I continue to work through Beth Moore’s latest Bible Study Stepping Up.  One of the things I read in there last week was this…

“Free Christ to be your custom builder.  Let Him tell you how He wants your house to look instead of the other way around.  He alone has the blueprints.”

Can I just say OUCH!  I was face to face with my failure, my pride, my desire to have things worked out the way I wanted AGAIN! 

I was frustrated with myself.  I was in some denial.  I was confused.  I was mad.  I was tired of trying to build on my own and failing.

Out on the lake (minding my own business) I was looking at the homes that were along the water.

(here is where I was going to insert the pictures I took of some of the beautiful homes along the lake, but someone decided that because we were out of memory space those should be deleted so these could be taken…

smiling… really, I am….)  He did take this one of the lake that morning… so it wasn’t all bad!  LOL!!

Okay, sorry… I’m here… So I am looking at these homes.  My thoughts go along the lines of how some are these incredible custom built, original, amazing designs.  The ones that stick out to you are those.  The majority you just overlook and they get lost in the crowd of other houses.  Beth’s comment in the study came flooding back into my mind. 

Why do I fight God so much?  Why am I consistently feeling like I am being hit in the head with a 2x4 because I am getting in the way of His work?  Why does it feel like I am sitting the the basement with rubble all around me, while He tries building the new foundation of my life after a hurricane hit it, and I let Him build for a while and then decide that I don’t like what I think He is doing so I tear it down and try to do it myself, REPEATEDLY!?!

Another book I have been reading, Meet Me at the Well by Virelle Kidder, said this…

“If you are afraid God’s will is the worst thing you could imagine, follow it through to it’s source.  It isn’t from God.  His plan for you is good, as He says in Jeremiah 29:11, You can believe it.”

That is me.  I am afraid of what God is going to build and I am afraid I am not going to like it.  I am afraid it isn't going to be what I want.  I am afraid...

The week went on, and as only God can do, and as I completely cannot explain, things began to clear up and God began to heal me AGAIN.  I grieve the things, and people, that I wish were in my life and aren't.  But, most of all I desire not to miss the things that are in my life. 

Yesterday, I read a little snippet from Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  I haven't had time to listen to it, but this is what jumped out at me...

"You and I are not totally free until we have released ourselves, our lives, our future, our marital status, our childbearing–every aspect of our lives–fully to the control of Jesus Christ."  --Nancy's guest Holly Elliff

What stuck out to me is being totally free because I've given every aspect (especially my marital status) to the control of Jesus Christ.

I know it is what I have to do.  I know it is not in my human capability.  I know that God will do this in my heart though, if only I can get out of the way and let Him build me a custom made life.  One that stands out from all the rest because of the beauty of the intricate detail only HE can create in my life.  I am really sick of getting in the way and being hit in the head with 2x4's.  HELP ME JESUS!!

Birthday times…

Along with the Birthday of our nation, comes the Birthdays of my two oldest sons! 

I’m so proud!  LOL!!  James was 17 on Saturday the 5th, and Zach is 14 today!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACH!!!!

James has had a Flag cake for probably the past 10 years!  I thought about collecting pictures of his last 10 birthdays to show you, but that would required digging into places in my home that I am not prepared to dig into!  I believe I have pictures stashed in about 5 different places, some in albums, but many NOT!  That would be too overwhelming… So here is what I have on my computer that is simple to find…

Turning 16…

Turning 15…

Aren’t you glad I can’t go on and on!!  LOL!!! 

Completely without my permission and by the grace of God, James has become a strong, healthy, kind, young man.  He’s a blessing to us all and I thank God for him.

Zach is following close behind his brother.  Growing like a weed, so much faster in so many ways that James did!  Zach usually ends up with the chocolate cake on his birthday.  And they usually celebrate together, so which cake is which???

Zach at 13…

12… oh look, he has a flag cake this year… and so does James?  What did I do make 2?  I don’t remember that?  But, then again, my mind was in pretty bad shape that year.  (no comment please!!  LOL)

Today I plan to take Zach and some friends to see a movie and eat out.  Then they will sleep over here.  Saturday we visited James’ friend Alisen and her family at their lake cottage, after leaving ours…

James and Alisen…

LORD JESUS, help me raise these boys to be Godly men who serve You and have marriages and children that honor You.  I know that I in myself have no power to accomplish this great task.  By Your Grace Alone.