Confident

I was struck with something last week.

My oldest son has grown into a very confident young man.

I was struck by his lack of fear of what others might think of him.

I was struck by my own realization that at his age I was ruled by what others thought of me & in many ways still am today.

A couple weeks ago, James went to his dad’s old closet, found a tie, sewed it into a “skinny tie” and proceeded to wear it to school… like this…

(found this picture of him on facebook, he doesn’t normally carry the Cen*sus bag, okay, that’s not part of the outfit) 

I just saw his girlfriend looking up at him down at the bottom of the pix.

Okay. See?  Confident.

He came upstairs for his college weekend visit wearing this outfit last Friday.

Me:  “Are you sure you want to wear that today?”

J:  “Sure, why wouldn’t I?”

Me:  “ummm… I just hope they “get” your style”

J:  “they will”

Me: “okay then”

While in my brain I am thinking, ARE YOU CRAZY!?  WHAT IF THEY THINK YOU ARE WEIRD?  THIS WILL BRING ATTENTION TO YOU!  WHAT IF YOU DON’T FIT IN?  WOULDN’T A TSHIRT AND JEANS JUST BE BETTER?  I WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO WEAR A GIG LIKE THAT TO COLLEGE VISIT DAY!!  NEVER!!  NOT ALONE!  NOT WITH ALL THE UNKNOWNS!  NO WAY!  NOT ME!  EVER.  NOPE.

Wow.

The realization that he didn’t have a concern like plagues me.  That he is confident.  And a leader.  And ready to take college life on with both hands.

Wow.

The realization that I live much of my life worried about what other people think of me.

Uhg.

Anyway.  James loved his overnight visit to AU!  He roomed with a football player.  He has full intentions of playing football next year at AU. 

AU was hosting and in, their conference basketball tournament this past weekend.  James loved going to the game, dressed in all black (that was the theme of the game “black out the _____)  and storming the court after AU won by 1 point!  He also loved going to an inside track meet on Saturday.

Bringing him back down to earth with the reality that he is still only a high school senior who needs to finish his last 1/2 of his senior year and focus on life here.  That’s where we are now.

I am really, really, thankful for the peace and the joy and the excitement I feel when I think about James going to college at AU.  I get so excited for him.  It is a good place to be. 

Pam

YOUR Gonna Miss This…Moment 70

It’s that time of the week again.  The time when we are proactive in thinking about things going on around us that we will miss.

I’ll miss this.

And this.

Just 2 more weeks until James’ last High School Musical.

See James in last year’s musical here and here

Both James and Zach are in it, this year, and I am really excited about it! 

James is spending the day and night at his college of choice AU today and tonight.  Praying for him.  He is hoping it is clear if he is to be a part of their football program or not while he is there.  He will be staying in the dorm with the football team.  I am praying that God gives him direction.  And that James listens.

Senior year is blasting past… it’s incredible.  But, he’s really excited about the next stage and it makes it much easier for me that way.

Still working on his senior pictures…

I told him I’d have them done by the end of February.  I don’t. :) 

I also didn’t finish redoing Kiahna’s braids.

Or scanning old pictures into the computer for his graduation slide show.

Or finish the marketing materials for my business.

Oh well.

Lots to miss, I know.  Right now I am headed out of town for a long weekend.  Praying that when I return I’ll be refreshed and have a better perspective.

It’s been an exhausting past couple weeks.

What will you miss?

Pam

Sitting in my puddle

I met a new friend yesterday. 

Through Twitter.

I love texting.

I love Twitter on my cell phone.

I started following a new Twitter friend last week when someone RTed (Twitter term for forwarding meaning Re-Tweet) me a message this person sent about not letting fear rule your day.

You know, last week when I was letting fear rule my day.

So, when my new Twitter friend, who I didn’t  know, except that she was not letting fear rule her day, commented that she was wearing flip-flops and stubbing her toe on purpose just because she is that ready for spring.  I had to respond that I had just purchased a package of oreos with the word “spring” on them and a giant butterfly, because I am just that ready for spring too!

We tweeted back and forth for awhile, mostly about chocolate.  Then she decided to check out just who she was tweeting with and read my profile. 

Yeah.

I make a great impression don’t I.

She commented I’d been through a lot.

Yeah.

Man sometimes I really hate that.  I really want to be someone else.

Anyway she ended up asking me if she could call me on the phone and talk.

This is when I decided maybe I should check out her profile…

Impressive.

So.  We talked.

I told her my story.

You know how I’ve been in a little bit of a down stage lately?  Okay.  I’ve been downright negative.  I’ve been sad.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been hurting.  I’ve been lonely.  I’ve been hopeless.  I’ve been prayerless.  I’ve lost sight of my purpose.  I don’t see any light in my tunnel.  I don’t see anything changing.  Ever.  My life is going to be hard.  I am going to be alone.  I am going struggle and struggle and struggle and nothing is ever going to be easy.

I’ve been sitting in a mud puddle with no desire to get out.  None.

Yesterday, when my new friend Sue called me out of the land of Twitter… I started telling her my story.  Not the yuck, but the “Wow!”  The amazing provision of God for our family.  The great kids I have.  The awesome family support I have.  The business God has given to me. 

I’d forgotten.

I really thought God had forgotten me here in my puddle of muddy misery.  Because I am not seeing how He is being the Father to my fatherless children.  I am not seeing how He is being my husband.  I feel like I have to do it all myself.  I don’t see any hope of life being any different than it is right now.  Hard, overwhelming, and lonely.

I have mud in my eyes.

Sue used some of the wonderful Words of David to wash the mud out of my eyes. 

God used some of His wonderful, mysterious ways to wash the mud out of my eyes.

I felt like the strangling I hadn’t even realized had returned had been released from my neck and I could breathe again…

“Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get so crazy busy with life that we forget. Sometimes the noise of the crowd overwhelms the still small voice and we forget.

I think David did too.
I think that's exactly why he wrote these words in Psalm 103:1-2:”

Read the rest of Sue @ Praise and Coffee’s post inspired from our conversation last night by following this link.

Thanks Sue for showing me how God wanted to get me out of that puddle, show me my reflection, remind me of how faithful HE has been, and help me to speak truth again.

I pray things start getting a little more encouraging around here soon. 

Pam

2010 AC Swing Choir Videos

If you live in the area, you are gonna want to make the time to get to go see the AC swing choir this spring! 

A little taste of what you would see…

James solo is about part way through this song… and you will see Zach when I pan over to him (and James girlfriend Alisen is standing in front of Zach)

This is 5 of the senior guys… Zach G., Conner S., Kaleb D (soloist), James & Alex R.

I’d be happy to get anyone their schedule if you let me know!

Musical at AC is in less that 3 weeks!!  Both of my boys are in it this year!

Pam

2010 Swimming Sectionals: VIDEO

I have video!!  It might be a little hard to watch…seems the videographer was a little distracted and didn’t pay attention to where her camera was pointed all the time… she also tends to yell a little into the camera… so you may want to turn it down….

Race #1 is the consolation heat of the 50 free.  James cut more time and ended up with 2nd place in the consolation heat (that means no ribbon, recognition, & like 8th place over all)  James is the one of the left.  Mac M, also from AC, is the one right next to him (in the matching caps).

The only race James made it to the final heat in was the 200 M Freestyle Relay.  James is swimmer #2.  They cut time again, and ended up in 3rd place (after being seated at 5th)  The ribbon ceremony is at the end.  This was the best finish any AC swimmers had that day.  It was great to see them going out with time being cut & doing their best!  Only place #1 goes on to state swimming, so swimming is over for James. 

GREAT JOB AC SWIMMERS!!!!!

pAM

YOUR Gonna Miss This…Moment 69

Did you miss me last week??  I completely forgot to write & post last Friday… Sorry if you posted and I left you hanging!  Feel free to link up both of your posts this week if you had one last week that we missed!

 

Miss Kiahna has had a rough time.  Life is just not always easy.  Even when you are 5.

Hopefully some help is going to come through loving teachers, counselors, medication, & training.

Today was day 1 of taking medication to help behaviors.  Today went okay.  Not a lot of side effects.  Not a lot of difference.  We work our way up to a higher dose as the days go on.

There is a grief that goes on in the hearts of parents as we realize things don’t look like we thought they would look.  That’s where I’ve been this week.  Having to readjust my thinking.  Readjust my hopes.  Readjust my expectations. 

Praying for the miracle that somehow I can help guide this girl of mine to overcome all the obstacles in her path & be the woman God created her to be…  That will be a miracle.

I’ll miss finger paint.

I’ll miss losing first teeth.

Pam

What will you miss?

Still Looking for Adoption Support

“I may have to “start my own group”

“Our group isn’t active”

“Our group is for international adoption”

“I’ll make some calls and try to find the support you need”

“I understand”

“I’ll pray”

I feel like the bleeding person in need of a surgeon who must start the hospital to received the support that is needed.

I love my online support, you guys are such a blessing to me, I can’t imagine not having you!  I wish, I wish, I wish, we all could meet in person and talk. 

The comments were good on my post yesterday.  Thank you if you commented! 

To answer some of the questions from the comments…

**My children were both adopted at birth from the US. 

**I did not set out to adopt children with “special needs”. 

**My husband left us when J & K were one and almost two years old.

** I don’t think this is a race issue.  I do think this is a behavior issue.

**Abandonment is an issue with adoption & divorce.  My children have endured them both.

**I have been making phone calls and checked out the links given.  So far nothing.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers on this.

Tomorrow I take Kiahna in to the pediatrician for her evaluation.  We have lots of forms filled out, and I am guessing we will be starting some medications tomorrow.

I have peace with that.

I purchased more herbs for Jadon.  I had been using them and ran out, and you know how that goes.  I am starting those up again with both of them.  I am hoping that if Kiahna is calmer Jadon will then be calmer too.  They really seem to feed off of each other.

Jadon also feeds off of people at school who  have behavior things going on. 

We tried medication 2 years ago with Jadon, and it wasn’t a real good experience.  We may be trying it again.  One step at a time.

Both of my children seem to be very impulsive.  They both know they did wrong after they did it.  They are great apologizers and prayers.  They do it often.  But, I am ready to see some better choices so that apologies are not necessary quite so often.

My expectations are high.  I am having to adjust them.  It’s a process that is taking time.

Many, many people who adopt, myself included, ignore the warnings given about this or that… after all… “that won’t happen to me”… and “I am adopting a healthy newborn”… and “my family is different & I have this or that support set up”.

Truth be told, NOTHING we do in life EVER ends up like we think it will… sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse. 

I admit this is harder than I ever imagined.  The things that I think should work, often don’t.   I feel like a bad parent often.  I feel like people look at me (even if they aren’t) as not doing things the “right way” and therefore the behavior of my children is as it is.  I feel humiliated in public when my children act like 2 year olds instead of 5 & 6 year olds.  I feel helpless and unable to make a difference.

I really love the comment from the woman who said her neighbor has a son who is 7 and adopted him from birth & he has “issues”.  I am so blessed that maybe my frustration has helped someone see that they can be a huge help to their neighbor!  My guess when I heard about “neighbor” is that they are feeling like I often feel, like failures.  Like they didn’t do something right. Like they didn’t “sign up for special needs”.   I so hope that, like my commenter, others who see people in these positions will try to be positive influences in the lives of hurting children (and their hurting parents, even if they aren’t willing to say they are hurting)  And that these parents seek and find the support system they need to be the parents they were called to be to their son. 

It’s hard. 

Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Don’t convince yourself it’s different.

Admitting it’s hard and too much for you to handle is the first step in the right direction though.

So, lets see if we can’t get some support going on for post adoption like we see in pre adoption and foster care.

It’s vital.

Pam

Adoption Support

Yesterday…

I wanted to quit.

I felt like the worst parent ever.

If I hadn’t already had 4 children (who I have been semi-successful in parenting) ahead of my  youngest 2, I am pretty sure I would have taken all the failure and frustration and let it heap on my own head in shame.

It’s bad enough as it is.

Jadon got in trouble at school and we heard from the principal.

Kiahna got in trouble in school.

AGAIN.

I am not sure I am cut out for this.

Is there a place to resign?

Is there fine print I forgot to read?

Is this an adoption issue?

Special needs?

Divorce?

yes? yes? yes?

Can I scream?

I goggled adoption support within 100 miles of my area and do you know how many came up?

0

ZEEEE-RRROOOOWWW!

I talked to a local agency.

NO RESOURCES.

I heard of a training.

Am I a licensed foster parent?

No.

I don’t qualify for their training.

Okay, so we get all this support before we adopt.  We get training & people backing us up if we are fostering.

Then we adopt and get a nice smile, pat on the back, and off we go.

Five years later.

Six years later.

Sixteen years later.

Twenty-five years later.

Where is the support?

How do we cut through all the grief, loss, pain, frustration.

Theirs and ours?

Because it doesn’t look like we thought it would look.

And they deal with things our other kids don’t.

And they don’t respond like our other kids to the discipline we know and has worked.

So we try to do better.

We seek help.

We flounder around like fish out of water.

And we feel like we are beating our heads against brick walls.

We are told not to worry. 

But, know one knows how hard it is.

At least not anyone we know. 

They are all smiling and looking like they have it all together.

I am angry.

I am tired.

I am frustrated.

I am overwhelmed.

I want to be all that my kids need…

…I am not.

I want help.

I don’t know where to find it.

I want support.

I don’t know where to find it.

My kids deserve help.

I don’t know where to find it.

Pam

Another One of THOSE posts…

You know the ones where I ramble on and on in no particular order & not everything makes sense… yeah those…

I missed “YOUR gonna miss this… moment” this weekend.  oops.

Kiahna and I really should be getting ready to go to the grocery store, since I am getting my hair cut while she is in preschool today… and we have no milk or pull ups.  Two very vital items in our house.

The world outside is covered in hoarfrost again this morning… so beautiful.  Much preferred to the mud that is sure to come when this melts and stick around for the next 2 months.  I am ready for winter to be over, but I am not ready for mud.  Mud & I have a long history together.  It’s not pretty.

*****************************

Kiahna has an appointment on Thursday with our pediatrician.  She will be evaluated for her behaviors.  Decisions will be made & hopefully some helps put into place.

She makes me feel like a really rotten parent. 

I feel helpless to help her.

I don’t know what she needs & how she is going to get it.

Sometimes she makes me so angry & I think it is mostly frustration about the way her behavior makes me look.

There, I said it.

For example… last night I told her to get her boots & put them away.

This is the face I get.  And if I move towards her to try to force her she runs.  We’ve played that 2 year old game of run around the table a little too many times for our 5 years. 

Is there anything in parenting that is more frustrating & angering?? 

She is happy as a lark as long as she is in charge.  As soon as she isn’t… sigh…  It feels like it is getting worse instead of better.

I know I am not the perfect parent, and they do wear me down sometimes… but for the most part I feel I am consistent and structured with her (and Jadon too) (much more than I was with my oldest 4 for sure, and yet it is much worse!!)

In some ways I just want a label so I can explain that I am not a bad parent, she is just struggling with “put label here”.

In other ways I hate labels and feel they are over given & can become excuses for not succeeding in life.  I don’t want a label because I don’t want to have to face a label.  I don’t want a label because I am selfish.

We need a label to get the help that is needed.  We are going to get a label.  It scares me.

But, we can’t keep living like this either.  We need all the help we can get.  She needs the help that she can get.  I need the help I can get.   She is miserable & I want her to get all the help she can get.

She lost her first tooth over the weekend.  She swallowed it with her dinner.  Ooops.

***************************

Jadon’s been doing pretty good.  His anger is never far away, but it’s been better the past couple weeks. 

His biggest discipline struggle in school appears to be controlling his impulses.  No surprise there.  He has been to the principal’s office twice because of the inability to keep his hands off of other people as he should.

Another scenario that makes me feel like a failure as a parent.  My other kids all waited until high school to ever get sent to the principals office (and then it was “never there fault!” :)) 

Zach told him yesterday that “he was awfully mouthy for such a little kid”.  Yeah, well, he is growing up in a house with teenagers.  He talks like you Zach… think about it.

**********************************

Lucas is working on “working harder at school”.  He is working on reading harder books to challenge himself.  He works really hard on spelling, but still gets low grades. 

I wonder about getting him tested for “learning disabilities”.  I don’t know though.  It’s a struggle but he isn’t failing.

He got his first D on a report card this year in 5th grade.  In my head I am thinking, if you are getting D’s in elementary school how hard is it going to be to succeed in middle and high school. 

At this point I feel I barely have the strength to fight for this one yet too… & I feel weary.

**************************************

So far 13 has been pretty low key for Leah.  She’s not real interested in boys or drama that goes with boys yet. 

She suddenly has become interested in reading really big, thick books… (finally!!)  I heard myself say something yesterday for the first time in my whole parenting career.  “you are not reading anymore of this book until you _______” 

Jaw Drop.

Did I just say that?

She’s reading the *T*wiligh*t series.  I’ve never read them.  The books are huge.  I love to read.

I love to read like she does, hole up in my room and pretend like the rest of the world and responsibilities don’t exist.  Then get really irritated when they interrupt me.

I don’t read at this point in my life (not fiction anyway) because of this.

She wants to play softball in the summer & run track this spring.  She has never played softball, and I really don’t want to deal with it.  All her friends play.  I wanted the summer off of baseball!!!!!  ARG!!

She’s doing well though, I’ve “hired” her to keep up on my laundry folding and bathroom cleaning.  I need the help, and she needs to learn.  It works, if she can keep up. 

***********************************

Zach seems to be doing better.

I think I have pin-pointed some of the issue.

There is anger there.  Un-dealt with anger.

And when “life” happens, as we all know it does.  He doesn’t handle it very well because that anger is so close to the surface and needs to be dealt with.

How to get a 15 year old to deal with their anger?  Not sure.  One day at a time.  Talking about it, pointing it out.  Discussing it. 

I am sure we will have more days of dealing with it in the future.

Him and his “girlfriend” broke up, (drama drama), and I took away texting… (goodbye drama)

********************************

James… well… diving and swimming sectionals this week.

Not always making the choices I’d have him to make.  Learning (me) to keep my mouth shut after I’ve said my piece and let him make his choices (even when I know they are wrong) and live with the consequences.  Learning to be a parent of an 18 1/2 year old.

We’ve filed all the financial aid & scholarship paperwork and we now wait for the numbers to come in.  We’ve sent our deposit in to Ander*son University.  He’s filled out his room-mate application.  He’s got an appointment for a physical.  He’s going back to AU at the end of the month for an overnight visit and he will stay in the dorm with the football team. 

I feel an excited peace about it all.  Kind of surprises me.

I am working on graduation party preparation, and still editing his senior pictures.

Continuing on…

***********************************

I have been up and down emotionally. 

Life is hard.  God is Good.

I am looking forward to a weekend break at the end of the month with a friend.

My parents are in Florida this week & I pray that nothing major happens here while they are gone.

I was given the privilege to be the second shooter at a wedding this past weekend.  I learned a ton from Jenna about wedding photography & photography in general. 

Thanks Jenna!

I have another photographer who is going to let me help her in April & then I will be doing my first wedding photos in May!

I have been spending much time working on my marketing & customer service in the past month.  I am excited about this coming year in photography & about the possibilities!! 

Now to just keep all of this in balance.

HELP ME JESUS IS MY DAILY PRAYER!!

Now we must go get groceries…

The end. :)

Pam

Tonia’s Pain

I “met” Tonia online.  We were both learning how to care for our adopted children’s hair. We both have 4 bio kids and 2 adopted kids.  She reads my blog and I read hers.  She purchased some of my winter prints a few weeks back.  I am blessed by the friendship of my online friends.

Tonia would read my posts and comment on how much our lives were alike.  But, we had no idea how much they would become alike.

In the past 2 weeks, Tonia’s life turned upside down.  Tonia is now a single mom like me.  Betrayal. Shock. Lies. Pain.

I will not pretend that I have the words to describe what I know that Tonia is feeling right now.  I don’t know that there are words.

It’s one of those, sit with me while I cry & let me tell you how awful this all is, times.

It’s one of those times you wish you had an answer but there really is none.

I realized as I started to let my mind go to where I know Tonia’s mind is at right now, I didn’t want to go there.  There are memories there that I don’t want to remember.  There is pain there that is so intense that I don’t know if I could remember.

I wish I had a formula for “how to survive being left, betrayed, divorced, & hurting day after day after day”.  I wish I had a formula of what to do each day to assure that you will make it to the other side.  I can remember wishing that at the time I was living one breath to the next.

When I look back at that time, I don’t know how I survived.  I don’t know how I’ve made it to today.  I really don’t.  Because I know that I am weak.  And I am broken. And I am unable to survive this kind of tragedy.  Just like Tonia is.

I know that every day I had to make choices to breath.  Get up.  Get dressed.  Eat. Breath again.  I know that I clung to God like He was my last hope.

He is.

Every day I had to choose to trust and believe that somehow God was going to get us through this.  I still have to do that.  I say I “don’t know how”, because it’s true.  I don’t understand His ways, I just know that as I trust, He does.

He is that for all of us.  If we will only let Him.

He is Tonia and her 6 children’s only hope.  He is her husband’s only hope.  And mine.

God blows my mind with how He can use the internet to connect people in different states, who never met, and bring healing and comfort and understanding to one another.

God got me through each and every day of the past 4 years and 5 months.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One breath at a time.  And it was hard, the hardest thing I ever did.  It still is hard.  But, He does it.  I don’t know how.

I read this morning, something Beth Moore said… 

“I’ve grown to enjoy God with time.   Intimacy with God grows through sharing every realm of experience.  I’ve wept bitterly with Him.  I’ve screamed in frustration.  Sometimes I thought He was going to break my heart in two.  But, I’ve also laughed out loud.  Wept with unspeakable joy.  Gone to my knees in awe.  Squealed with excitement”  --Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Isn’t that true.  We grow closer with people as we go through life with them.  As we go through life with God, we grow closer to Him too.  And I realize again just how much more I have grown to love, understand, and treasure my God, My Savior, as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death.

It’s incredibly humbling.  He is incredibly amazing.

I pray for my friend Tonia and her children.  As I pray for her, my mind turns away from my own troubles and I remember the blessing of thinking about someone else other than myself, again.

My prayer for Tonia goes something like this…

May the God who got me through, get you through too.  May He bring peace that passes all understanding.  May He bring joy in the morning.  May He provide immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine.  May every financial need be met.  May every physical need be met.  Emotional needs.  Spiritual needs.

May He bring people to surround you and lift you in prayer constantly.  May He bring people with meals.  People to clean her house.  People to hug.  People to cry with.  People to baby sit.  People to fix broken things.  People to pay the bills.  People to wash the clothes.  People to bring over groceries.  People to mentor her children.  People to help with homework.  People who are willing to walk out the long haul and don’t get tired of hearing her pain.  People who aren’t afraid of her pain.

God, provide for your daughter, Tonia and her children, as You continually do for me.  Fill even the needs that she doesn’t even know are there.  Fill the loneliness.

Help her to believe that You really do cry with us.  And you see our pain, and you gather all our tears into a bottle, because they are precious to You.  Wrap her in Your Amazing Grace.

Oh, God… my heart breaks to think of anyone going through what we went through… please help them…

Please pray with me for my friend Tonia.  Visit her blog if you like.  Follow her on Twitter if you want.  Twitter is a great way to remember to pray, I’ve found.  (God can use all things for good if we will let Him)

Tonia is also homeschooling her kids (like I was when my marriage fell apart) and has been a stay at home mom for 15 years.  Please pray specifically for these things and that God would show her when she is supposed to go from here.

Just pray. 

And again, thanks to all of those who have prayed and continually pray, and are God’s Hand and Feet to us.

“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.”  1 Cor 12:27

Pam