Zoo trip #3 and more...

Well, we were at the zoo today.  It was HOT.  It wasn’t crowded though.  Probably had something to do with the fact that it was HOT!  We were there a total of 5 minutes before my camera battery went dead…

I got two pictures…count ‘em.  2.  I actually took 4, but two were bad.  Yes, worse than this one.  (Jadon and Lucas)

 

Benjamin and Jadon enthralled with he money in the water.  (and the bowl and jar too)

At least it wasn’t crowded!  Last year we went on Zoo Member Appreciation Day.  HOT with 18 kids to keep track of!  Not the best of times!  Today went pretty good though.

Afterwards, we went to return some shoes I bought last week at the mall.  Leah asked if we could see a movie.  We have been wanting to see the new American Girl Movie, Kit Kittredge.  So we did! 

This is a really good movie!  Rated G, for one, which is such a rare find.  The setting and character were like the books, but the plot was not based off of much that was in the original books about Kit.  It normally bugs me when movies do that.  This was so well done that I didn’t even care!  I recommend this movie, especially as we tighten our belts a little with the high gas prices and the rise of food and other things that are coming with it.  (did you see the price of cheese?)  This is set in the depression and the reality of the day is very well portrayed.   I heard another mom say that it made her feel kind of bad to spend so much money to see the movie and then see how they were living back then and were in such need.  I agree with her, and will see it at the dollar theatre next time!  

We have had some run-ins with bodily fluids.  As my babies turn 4 and 5 this fall… I wonder… when will it end?  Will this truly be something I will miss?   Somehow I have my doubts. 

Last night Kiahna was laughing so hard in bed, she began choking and threw up all over the bed.  For a moment I hoped feared we would have to stay home from the zoo.  No, she was fine and still giggling as I hosed off the sheets outside in the dark, with the mosquitoes.

On the way to the zoo.  Driving through a bad part of town, they both had to pee.  Jadon so bad that I fished a Pepsi bottle from the trash and let him pee in it. (this is the second time I have let him do this and I think that he thinks it is fun!)  I was at a stop light and was holding the bottle for him.  Of course the light turned green and I ended up with pee on my hands and on him.

Kiahna could wait until we got there, but was dancing and begging to go in the parking lot.  After a short debate over what to do, run to the zoo where the restrooms are inside after you pay, let her pee her pants, or let her squat behind a tree.  Squat behind a tree won.

In the movie theatre I took Jadon to the restroom and he peed on his clothes.  Shirt and shorts.

On the way home he fell asleep and peed in his car seat.

He really has been doing much better than this!  AHHH!!  He’s almost 5.  I won’t miss this.  I know I won't.  It's funny.  Now.  But, I won't miss it.

Still working on Kiahna's yarn braids.  Not doing new parts this time.  Taking out one at a time and rebraiding it.  I am out of yarn now, so after another trip to Walmart, hopefully we can declare it done again soon!

Trying not to stress over James friends he has coming over this weekend.  I really don't want to be any more of an embarrassment to him than we already obviously have the full potential to be unless none of us are here, which we will be.  It would be nice to have a house that doesn't look like hillybillys children live here. 

Don't you sometimes wish you could live in a house that stayed clean for more than 2.4 seconds.  Or that was all clean at once?  Like the old days when I wasn't a single mom of 6 children and could actually do things like that?  It did happen every once in awhile.  Now, it feels like it will never happen again.  I do much better when I accept that and go on.  But, when faced with company...  CHAOS becomes the name of the game.  FLY LADY calls CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) because your house is such a disaster.  I've climbed back on the Fly Lady wagon, but I don't know that I will ever accomplish getting out of CHAOS.  Oh well.  Praying that I can work hard and then let it go after that.  (without yelling and becoming out of control!)  GRACE!!!!

Pam

Let’s lighten the mood…

I hope that I am not sending you into fits of depression as you read these entries.  It’s been eerily quiet here today.  When no one responds it makes me sit here going, “Okay, what did I say wrong?”  Responses make this fun!  If you don’t have anything to say that is fine too, or if you are crazily busy and have a life and don’t spend countless hours obsessing over what to type on blogs and wondering if you are insane for what you are saying, not that I think that or anything, I’m just saying I know you are all busy too!

Things are crazy busy here.  Zach is away at Basketball camp all week. I was planning to go with some other parents on the 2 1/2 hour trip to pick up the boys that went on Thursday.  I asked my dad to go for me.  I am getting too busy and won’t get things done like I want if I go.  (don’t tell me that if I didn’t spend so much time on my computer I’d have time to go.  That’s probably the truth, but I love the time on my computer and feel very driven to write.  So, I fit it in.)

James is working his little tail off.  He is planning to have friends over on Friday night for a bonfire/volleyball/birthday celebration.  He told me that he invited 75 people over his facebook account.  But, he thinks it will only be about 30.  Well, this ole mom has learned from the last time.  I ain't gonna panic.  25 turned out to only be 7... so let's hope for 10!

At any rate, it has inspired him to work on the house! 

He is working and learning for a landscaping company this summer!  He spread 2 loads of mulch, trimmed the bushes, planted some grass, sprayed weeks, and fixed up the bon fire pit!  All that came at the cost, of course, of his siblings having to help... and they were so helpful...

Doesn't he look helpful?  I guess I'd be frustrated too!  No wonder Zach was so excited to leave for camp!

I haven't worked on my kitchen cabinets since it about sent me over the edge and I had to run away on Saturday.  I experimented with two of the insides and I think that it will work.  Now to find the time without going crazy to do it! 

Monday morning Leah woke up with a sore throat.  She has strep.  Took the dog in to the vet.  He is now fixed.  Didn't even attempt to explain that one to Jadon!  I can't even begin to imagine the questions that would come up!  All he knows is that Jack got shots and he can't pick him up or get him wet for two weeks!

That black hair ball is him.  Yes, he is in need of a haircut too. 

My mom has planned our annual cousin trip to the zoo for tomorrow.  I am sure that there will be 2 billion people there and it will be 295 degrees.  I need to find a better attitude before 8 am in the morning!  Great, light blogging material though!  Seventeen kids at the zoo with 5 adults, no problem.

We are almost done watching the entire Anne of Green Gables series!!  Loving it!!  Tonight we should finish it up.  Summer is fun!  So nice not to have to get up early.

 

Pam

The beginning…

The memory of that night is etched deeply in my mind.   The pain of it brings tears to my eyes even now.

It was very late, after midnight when HSSH fled from our home. 

It felt like something came in and stole him from me.

I called my parents and woke them.  I told them I was coming over.

I was strong until I walked up on the porch of my parent’s house. I fell into my dad’s arms.  I wailed like I don’t believe I have ever wailed before, and pray I never will again.

I had to calm enough to get the words out and tell them what had happened.  Their tears and weeping met with mine.

Before HSSH walked out, I really felt we were going to be okay.  I had a peace I can’t explain.  I knew we would make it through. 

Now I was afraid.  Where did he go?  What was he doing?  Why did he run?  What happened?

He was so broken.  So ashamed.  So very sorry for what he had done.  He hated himself.  He couldn’t look at me or touch me.

The next day is also etched in my mind.  I love the autumn days.  It was one of those perfect September days.  I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  It was all going to go away.  He was going to drive back in the drive at any moment.

But, as the day wore on.  He didn’t come back.  He finally called.  The news of where he was broke my heart all over again.  This is not happening to me.  To us.  To our family.

I stood at my living room window wondering what I was going to do.  What people were going to do?  Who would be here for me?  Would anyone care for us? 

I went to my Bible for help.  I found it.  It was the only thing that brought me peace.  The first scripture I wrote in my journal after HSSH left was Isaiah 49:13-16…

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
       the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
       I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
       your walls are ever before me.

As the days moved forward,

Shock begin to settle in. 

Things begin to get fuzzy.

People started finding out.

People started helping.

I have no recollection of how my children were handling things. 

I remember trying to give them hope that their dad was returning.

Supermom had died and their dad was gone.

I couldn’t eat.  I learned a new level of grief.  One that involved no appetite.  No caring.  The most horrifying way to lose the 20 lbs you’ve been wanting to lose.

My children’s schooling began to concern others.  I was the one responsible.  It wasn’t happening.  Someone paid the tuition for them to go to a private school.

I think I walked around my house in a daze.  Talked on the phone.  Took long walks to clear my head.  Poured over the Bible, searching for an answer.  Prayed.

Meals began to come in from loving friends.  My neighbor started organizing who would bring meals when.

People sent cards.

People sent money.

We didn’t hear from HSSH often, but when we did it would send me into a tail spin that would last for days. 

Days moved into weeks, weeks into months, months have become years.

A friend told me of her sister and her husband separating for a year and reconciling.  My thoughts were, “I can’t do this for a year”.

Breathing became a chore.  Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Forcing myself to eat.  Forcing myself to care.  Forcing myself to live.  God giving me the grace to do them.

The bottom came for me the day that friends came over to pick up my laundry to wash for us.  Nothing is more humbling than having someone wash your pathetic, neglected, unmentionables.

I was amazed at the help that came to us.  I was humbled.  I was blessed. 

Even last night in our Stepping Up Bible study with Beth Moore, she spoke of the American way being self sufficient.  That equals success in our society.  It brought to mind how we have become very “unsuccessful”.

People in this amazing community I live in stepped in and did so much for us.  They still do.  Meals, money, groceries, odd jobs, babysitting, cleaning, teaching, car pooling, talking, caring, listening, reading, writing, loving, praying, believing.

We needed a miracle.

Confession…Introduction

I confess.  I love to write.  In many ways writing has saved my life.  If I would keep all the things inside I would explode, or die of poisoning!  Writing and talking about things gets the poison out.  Gets the lies out.  Gets the truth out. 

It is interesting, I have had this post, and the ones that will follow on this topic, bouncing around in my head for a few days.  And as they were bouncing I read that my new blog friend, Stacy, over at anymommy,  has been feeling the same way.  She exposed her heart about their disrupted adoption… I could write about that.  Then not long after I found that another mom, who’s blog I can’t seem to find at the moment, had also read Stacy’s brave story and felt the courage to share her own heart with the blog world.  Her story was one of miscarriage… I could write about that too.  Then I read last night about a family who’s little girl they adopted from Haiti was just diagnosed with leukemia.  Please Pray for Abby, who’s family looks remarkably like mine was supposed to look, and who’s mommy’s heart for adoption reflects many things that mine feels… I could write about that.

So what am I going to do with my blog?  In the beginning it was merely a place to send some pictures to a few close friends who’s e-mails were getting clogged up with my huge e-mail files that included pictures.  It is evolving into something else.  And to be quite honest I have fear.

The things that we have been through and I feel like I am being asked to share involve other people.  If those other people read this, what will they say?  How will they use it against me?  I won’t be using real names for these people.  Okay, one person really.  My ex-husband.   Yes, I have an ex-husband.  I am divorced.  I still can’t believe it.  I never in my wildest nightmares thought that I would be using that word to describe me.

Who I used to be… I used to be a very different person than I am today.  We all change.  Some of us the easy way, some not so easy.  I don’t really like many of the things about the person I used to be.  Mainly the way I used to think.  The pride I used to harbor.  The fears I used to have.  The secrets I used to hide. 

I didn’t even realize I was hiding secrets.  I didn’t realize I was so afraid or proud either. 

I used to be a home school mom.  I used to be an adoption (I want to use the word freak, but that doesn’t sound quite right) I was obsessed with adoption.  I got pregnant before I married my HSSH (high school sweet heart, hope you don’t mind Stacy, seems better than making up a name for him).  I met HSSH when I was 15.  We married when I was 3 months pregnant and 18 years old.  He went active in the army.  I’ve been an army wife.  We lived in Germany and Texas during those years.  We had 3 more children.  We moved back to where we both grew up to raise our kids.  We owned our own business.  We devoted our lives to our children, our church, our God.  We adopted 2 kids.  We were in the process of adopting a third.

Life was not perfect, but I can make it sound like it was.  Of course it was hard.  Of course we had our struggles.  We had 3 birth mom’s change their minds and decide to parent their babies.  I thought that was the hardest thing I would ever endure.

HSSH and I made some business choices that led to us losing the business for reasons out of our control.  HSSH began to be depressed.

My journal entry from September 6, 2005…

Oh God, help me to reach out to him.  I want so much more out of our relationship, but I have no idea how to get it.  I confess to You that I am afraid.  Afraid that he has fallen into sin that will destroy his soul.  I see him moving farther away from both of us.  I feel so helpless to do anything about it.

I need to let go of the plans I have for another adoption.  HSSH needs me to give him more.  It absolutely breaks my heart to think of saying no to this baby and see someone else take it.  But he needs to be my top priority.  As he is pulling away from me, I need so much wisdom and guidance.  It is the desire of my heart to have HSSH’s time, attention, love, and spend time talking to him.  That is my #1 priority.  I don’t think he feels it.  Help me to make that happen.  And if I have to give up this adoption to make that happen grant me the ability to do that.  My heart wants both, If I can’t, I choose HSSH.  Help me dear Lord.  Refine me as silver, that I may see Your ways.  Do Your will.  Walk in Your light.

Two weeks later, on a Friday evening, we had returned from a Home School event.  HSSH wanted to talk.  I was glad.  I knew something was bothering him and we needed to talk.  What he said was not anything like I had ever even let myself fear.

He had fallen into adultery.  He confessed.  He cried.  I cried.  I told him we would be okay.  I was relieved in a sense.  Finally knowing what the problem was meant we could get help and fix this, right?  Wrong.  He decided not to accept my forgiveness and walked out that very same night, with nothing.

Our lives have been changed forever.

Walking Away

Have you ever felt like walking away? 

Today I did.

I put on my new country walker shoes and took off down my gravel road.

No cars past.

I saw no people.

I thought about life, God, and who I am.

I thought about blogs. 

I thought about the things I talk about in my blog.

I thought about the things other people talk about in their blogs.

I saw butterflies.

I smelled clover.

I realized why Thumper only wanted to eat the blossoms.

I wished I had my camera.

I picked some flowers.

I wondered about life.

I walked back into my house.

Got a glass of tea.

Walked back out.

I don’t always have to be working.

As much as I would love to live in an organized house, I don’t and never will.

Overwhelm threats me.

Frustration knocks on my door.

I have a story to tell, God is calling me to tell it.

What if no one is listening.

Then I will tell it to the butterflies, and the flowers will grant their applause.

No more pretending?

Take 3.

I had this all ready to send and the ELECTRICITY went out!  Would you believe it!! 

I made the slide show of my two daughters and 5 nieces last week.  They all wanted beads in their hair!  It was fun! 

What hasn’t been fun is getting this slide show to post.  I don’t want to even think about how much time I have spent this morning trying to get that slide show on here.  It works fine on the website, but it won’t transfer.  URG!  So here are the pictures anyway.  Maybe another day it will let me put the slide show on!  At least today it is letting me put on pictures!

All the girls…

Kiahna’s hair on the 4th!

I pushed the beads up on the braids with the stars on them.  I looped ribbon around the pony tail holder to have the streamers in her hair!  Still loving those big ballies!

Leah with 2 cornrows.

Kaitlyn, 4 braids…

Livia, 2 braids, 2 cornrows…

 

Whitney and Breann, who wanted their hair just the same, with snaps at the scalp and 6 braids each…

Hallie, a veil style with braids… snaps and beads…

That isn’t nearly as fun as that slide show I still can’t get to publish!  OH WELL!!

My finished hutch!!

Close up of the distressed look…

I am very pleased with the finished product!  I am going to try it out on the INSIDE of one of my kitchen cabinets today… we will see!!

This is a huge accomplishment for me!  If you are visiting my blog and don’t know me or my life for the past 3 years, you just have to know that this is God’s power to help someone accomplish the impossible!

PRAISE HIM!!

Leah had friends over yesterday.  I took them to the pool…

After we got home, the spent the rest of their evening practicing and putting on two plays!  Some of the girls had written one at the end of the school year and preformed it for their class, and the other one Leah spent the week writing!  A singer and a writer that girl!!

I’m gonna see if I can’t get a small clip to post.  I give myself 1 minute to accomplish it and I’m stopping… ready?  Go…

Okay, times up… I thought I had it…her are some pictures of their disaster, stage.

and performance…

l

Memories were made, pants were peed, laughter in abundance, Mt Dew was spilled, all is well…

The evening ended by staying up until 1 am to watch the first video tape of Anne (with an e) of Green Gables!  I see why it is so loved!  What a neat mother-daughter movie to watch!!  Thanks for suggesting it Kite Flying Sarah!

Hairku, Hutch, silly girls, and Anne of Green Gables…I’d show you if I could get my pictures to post….

 

The 4th is over

the hair is showin’ it’s color

time to get the brush!

Windows Writer is telling me I am out of memory space.  Whatever that means.

Pretend that there are pictures of Kiahna’s hair, Leah’s hair, and all my nieces hair with beads.

Pretend that I am showing you the fabulous job I did on my hutch.  And that it is done and beautiful.

Pretend that you see pictures of Leah and her friends over today.

Pretend that… oh you don’t have to pretend this one, I don’t have pictures for it… my friend, Kite Flying Sarah, threatened to ban highly recommended watching the Anne of Green Gables movies!  We went to the library and got the first 4 video tapes today! 

Headed to put one in and relax!  This computer is driving me nuts!

Pam

More building… staying out of God’s way?

Good Morning!

CHOOSING to take the time to write this morning!  I have less guilt when I know that I have started a load of laundry (Kiahna putting her Pull Up on inside out last night helped that process!)  I have run the dishwasher.  I am dressed to the shoes. 

I reached a point last week while we were at the lake where I decided that I was tired of living in survival mode.  And that I am tired of living in a shamble of a life.  I am tired of my life being unrestored just because I don't see things in the picture I want there.  I need my life restored.  My kids need my life restored.

Like I wrote the other day, I know that there have been times that I have let God begin to restore.  I begin to panic when I don't see things the way I want them and sink into a pit of doubt and frustration.

I confess I don't understand.  I don't understand what God has in mind.   Sometimes I get so confused.

Thanks for lending me the Meet Me at the Well book, Twila.  It continues to be so refreshing.  In the chapter "I feel like a miracle in slow motion" she writes this,

"Extended periods of stress can end in slow motion.  One by one the pressures release their grip.  You can breathe normally again.  Freedom seeps back by small degrees.   But will it last?  It seems too good to be true."

I relate to that.  Will it last this time?  Will I slip back into a state of overwhelm?  Will I become frustrated with my circumstances again today?

Coming home from the lake I had a renewed desire to do some house cleaning.  Realizing that this is a short season where we are actually NOT running carpools or sporting events made me realize I really need to do some things around here!  I was afraid I was going to overwhelm myself and take too big of bite and burn out fast!  So far I have had 2 good days of going back to FLY LADY and getting some things accomplished!  Fly Lady talks about baby steps.  Doing things 15 minutes at a time.  Having a morning routine. 

I wanted to freshen up my house again too.  Sunday night I was telling my sister what I wanted to do, and the ideas I had.  How I was afraid I would jump in with both feet and panic!  Then I said, lets just move this over here right now!  So we did!  We moved some things, we rearranged some of the pictures on my walls, we moved some of the decorations around!  It felt so good!!

One of my ideas is to paint my kitchen cabinets.  My neighbor did hers awhile back.  I remember how neat they were and how simple she said it was to do.  It is kind of the distressed look (fitting for me!  LOL!!)  I decided yesterday to try it out on a smaller project, my hutch.  I did.  At first I was in a panic, I wasn't sure at all if I liked it.  My mom and sister have come over and both given the thumbs up.  Not sure if I am up for doing the whole kitchen yet, or how it would look to do it in the whole kitchen, but I am considering it.

Here are some pictures of the progress…

Before…

After painting…

This is the top, not the bottom, but this is after sanding and staining over the paint to make distressed look…

I need to finish the bottom and do a coat of varnish on it.  Simple and not too overwhelming!!  (okay, I was a little stressed last night and sent the kids to bed without their evening routine).

But, when you have a teenager doing things like this what do you expect!!

 

First of all MY FLASH STARTED WORKING AGAIN ON MY CAMERA when I went to try to take this picture last night!  And as to why he is parked this direction (see my van behind his car parked the right direction) I have no clue.

I didn’t buy the insurance on my camera.  For it to start working properly is a miracle!!  THANK YOU JESUS!!!

I didn't start Kiahna's hair yet, painting is more fun.  It's looking pretty shabby (the hair, and the cabinet I guess!)

Have a good day!  Thanks for listening, praying and supporting us.

Pam

Lake Show!

After playing with my pictures from the lake most of the day yesterday!! Uploading 10 at a time is all my computer would allow!! x 250 pictures! Lots of trips to the computer and back!

I think I found a slide show that will fit my blog screen!! I am going to remove the fireworks one after today, it is too annoying with that fireworks sound out of control!! But OH SO COOL!! I’ll leave this one on! Same pictures in each!

Good bye fireworks!

A song and Zach’s birthday

Yesterday I took Zach and two of his friends out to eat and to see a movie. On the way home they had the radio playing. I heard this song, I imagine it has been around awhile, but I have never heard it… and having a seventeen year old son it really hit me. It’s Brad Paisley’s if I could write a letter to me.

Don’t you wish kids would and could learn from your mistakes instead of having to go out and make their own? (and that part about the skoal can and playboy better not hold true!! Oh and change “dad” to “mom”)

********************************************************

My camera is acting up. The flash isn’t working. I need to dig out the receipt and see if I bought the insurance. Uhg.

For what they are worth here are a few shots from the restaurant yesterday. Zach is on the left. See those plates of ribs!! They were stuffed!!!

The waitress took this for us…

Zach’s messy hands and face!

To top off the day, Zach got the best gift ever! LOL!! Just to show him how loved he is some of his friends came and TPed our house! They had a ball chasing them down and catching them, both on foot and with 4 wheelers. Oh my! They pulled most of it out of the trees last night, it was all over the ground this morning…