Just in case you were wondering...

How am I really doing these days? 

If you are a new reader to my blog, I recommend catching up in the "testimony" posts.

It has been 6 weeks since my ex-husband, HSSH, has called.  It has been Labor Day since he has seen any of the kids.

Quite honestly, life is so much easier when he leaves us alone. 

Does that sound awful? 

This week I ran into a old classmate of ours.  In fact, when I was a junior and HSSH was a senior, he broke up with me.  Dated her.  Took her to the prom.  And then broke up with her and got back with me at the senior prom.  Yes.  I should have let her have him.  ;)

So... running into her wasn't quite like running into an old friend.  We didn't exactly leave HS on speaking terms.  Ya know?

Guess what?  In the past 18 years, since that all happened, we have both grown up.  She's been through a divorce too.  I could tell she genuinely cared, and she really wanted to know what in the world happened to us.

Standing in the candy aisle at Wal-Mart, I gave her the short, skinny version.  And you know what?  She understood.  She totally got the picture of what happened to us.  And she told me that she would pray for us. 

I walked away encouraged, and in awe of God.  To use her to encourage me was amazing. 

Another friend called that same day.  Encouraging me with God's word to stay strong in the promises God has given me. 

I am so blessed.

This week is HSSH's birthday.  I've tried to teach my children the principle of honoring their father.  Even when he doesn't deserve it.

"honor our fathers and mothers,” and the promise is “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…” (see Ephesians 6:2-3)

We've continued to buy him Christmas, birthday, Father's Day gifts, or just make cards.  I've encouraged them to honor him.

It's been so hard.

He totally doesn't deserve it.

It's SO hard.

Sunday morning we went to church.  My stomach was feeling a little queasy.  After we got there, Kiahna had to use the restroom.  I decided to use it too.  I have no idea what came over me, but I felt horrible.  I got all sweaty, clammy, and wondered if I would actually pass out there in church.  I didn't .  I began to feel better, but left right away.

I came home and plugged into an internet sermon.  I laid on the couch, feeling cold, and fell asleep. 

I woke to the speaker talking about fathers...  Here is what he said. 

"The only commandment with a promise is to 'honor our fathers and mothers,' and the promise is 'so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth…' (see Ephesians 6:2). Nowhere does it say we should only honor great fathers and mothers or even good ones, but simply the ones we have been given, good or bad. Almost all will be both good and bad, just as some of the greatest heroes in the Bible also made some of the greatest mistakes"  --Rick Joyner

After that I felt perfectly fine.

I truly don't know what to do about HSSH's birthday this time.  I truly don't want to do anything.  I want to ignore him like he's ignoring us.  I don't even know if his phone or address are any good anymore.  I've learned enough to know that I can't make these decisions based on how I feel.  I have to base them on what God is asking of me.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel like He was asking too much of me sometimes.

I'd also be lying to myself if I didn't have my heart right before Him and do His will anyway.

I'm not asking for advice, just telling you where I am... and hoping you'll pray for God to be very clear on this issue this week. 

Pam