Wow… Really?

I think we figured out the reason Kiahna’s behavior has gotten so much worse since starting kindergarten.

I think it’s the medication she was on for ADHD.

I took her to the doctor on Monday, the appointment we have been waiting on for the further testing & evaluations of her behaviors.

She threw a horrific tantrum.

The lady who was meeting with us was extremely understanding & empathetic.  She suggested that we stop the appointment and I come back another day when I can talk without Kiahna with me. 

She also wondered if the medication could be causing some of this.

I couldn’t believe it.

Why didn’t I consider that before?

She started this new medication (the same one Jadon takes) towards the end of the summer, it never even crossed my mind that the medication could be making this worse!!!!

I made another appointment with the doctor who prescribes the meds, visited her yesterday, didn’t give K the old meds.  Got a new ADHD med to try… and we haven’t had a “violent” tantrum (we have had small ones) since then.

The new med is going to take 2-3 weeks to build in her body, could cause the same thing to happen, & meanwhile she is at school virtually un-medicated, hopefully getting along okay.

I am praying her teacher will have the patience for her. 

Jadon has picked up on some of Kiahna’s tantrum habits and has tried pulling some of his own.

These kids keep me on my toes. Or knees. Or both.

James is coming home tonight!

He is bringing a car load of kids back with him.  One is a girl he started dating a couple weeks ago.

That should be interesting.

She’s from the big city… what will she think of our home in the middle of know where on a gravel road? 

Could be very interesting.

Kinda scary for me.

Our football team is playing Saturday, rather than Friday this week.  All the teams in our conference are playing at a college campus about an hour from here.

Makes sense.  Play the team from the school 6 miles away, an hour away.  Logic there somewhere.

It’s about the fun of playing in a big stadium with turf and all I suppose.

We used to play at the Hoosier Dome, can’t afford Luc*as Oil, so we will settle for BSU.

Planning to tail-gate with my family before the 7:00 Game.

Zach’s been getting quite a bit of playing time…

He’s playing defense, mostly.

I’ve been extremely busy with my photography business… I am so blessed!!  I love it, and it’s great release for me!

I was driving to take the photos for the wedding Sunday, and I just started being filled with doubt… “what am I doing?  I can’t do this!”  But, God is doing it… I turned up my radio & prayed…and God did great!!

Go over and see the photos on my HERE on my photo-blog

Amanda…

Kadison & Lily…

John…

Alicia…

Blake…

And lots & lots of Adam & Ashley’s wedding… a peek is posted, more will be coming in the next week!

Pam

Does this quote startle you?

“The trauma experience does not have to be obvious, and it does not have to be something most people would consider to be shattering or life changing”

Again a quote from the book Beyond Consequences.

I guess it shocks me a little.

I haven’t in my mind been able to equate that trauma can be purely the child’s perception of what happens rather than what actually happened.  We may see it as “not a big deal” or “they were too young to understand or recall”, but their bodies do recall.

“It is important to understand that trauma can be any stressful event that is prolonged, overwhelming, or unpredictable”

As human-beings we are all going to experience these types of things in our lives.  We all process them in our own unique ways.

“if an individual does not have an opportunity to express, process, and understand the event to some degree in a relationship with another human being, then any trauma can become stored within the cells of the body and have and impact on that individual for the rest of his life.”

What I am beginning to understand is that my daughter is feeling the effects of her abandonment trauma… or maybe she had a high stress pregnancy (YA THINK??)  I mean really, anyone who is in the process of giving up their child for adoption is experiencing high stress.  And this is affecting the unborn child in many ways.

So what I am beginning to understand is that even though in my brain I have been wanting to believe that my daughter, adopted at birth, abandoned by her adopted father at one year old, was “too young” to feel the effects of what happened… she wasn’t.

It pretty much began escalating when school started… even though I had enforced 7:30 bed-time & been successful 75% of the time to get it done, she just was so tired when she got home.

Fits of rage about any little thing. 

Me forcing her to nap because, she’s tired.

And after a fit for an hour, I am tired too.

Restraining her so she can’t rip the house up, run away, or hurt someone or herself, but then she hurts me. 

There is no more helpless feeling.

You walk on egg shells.

Never knowing what you are going to say “wrong” that will insight her wrath.

So, I think… after a few weeks of school she will adjust & then things won’t be so bad.

Wrong.

They didn’t get any better.

5 weeks into school.

Tantrums still going on.

So when I hear that stress can cause children who have been through trauma to “heighten stress receptors within the brain.  In this manner, traumatized children will be more anxious, nervous, fearful, and subsequently, more aggressive.”

Could the stress of being in school all day be causing her to display this aggression.

I believe so.

So, then when I ask of her things like, attending football games, family events, telling her “no”…putting away the cookies… or any other simple household task… it sends her into overload.

I am beginning to see her in a new light.

How can I lower her stress?  Expect her to handle less?  Still keep up with the schedule and routine of my 4 older kids at home?

Jadon asked me to come in to school Monday and eat lunch with him.  I hadn’t done that yet this year, so I went in and ate with him.  Of course Kiahna is there too.

After lunch all the kids go outdoors for recess.  I go along.

Part of Kiahna’s IEP was to have assistants for her at recess… see I knew before school began that recess, lunch, and being at school all day very well could be too much for her… the school wanted to try it, and offered special assistance at recess, which hasn’t materialized.

So, I sit on the bench and Kiahna climbs in my lap and cuddles.

And I have this thought.

Maybe, instead of cutting her hours in school (which after Heather Forbes seminar I was thinking was going to be my only option).  I could come in to school and be here for this recess and lunch.  Maybe I could try it for a week and see if it makes a difference.

I spoke with the school guidance counselor about what is going on at home and my thought on helping her de-stress in the middle of the day by coming in and letting her connect with me.

Monday in the van after school she had another tantrum…This tantrum actually brought me more insight into that things causing her stress.

Tuesday, another one, this one at the football game.  She had one at last Friday’s game too.

So.

I am getting it.

She can’t handle more than her day at school.

Don’t ask her to handle more than that.

It won’t go well.

My plan for now.

No bus riding. (she tried it 3 days, it was too much)

I go to school for lunch and recess and reconnect with her.

No ball games, babysitters who will focus on her & let her get to bed on time.

Leah will work on being nice to her when friends are over, or her friends just can’t come over for now.

Over-all working on the responses to her actions (and those of the other kids) reading and learning and understanding better just how she is processing things.

As you may know, we have no medical diagnosis of her issues.  We have finally been approved for testing and go for our first appointment next week.

Regardless of the label, I know the behaviors I am living with, and I know that my prayers are being answered and I am finally getting some tools to work with.

God is Good.

Pam

Severe Behavior

Things have been just a little, okay A LOT, stressful around home lately.

My youngest is not handling going to all day kindergarten all that well.

Understatement.

I am surprised I have any hair left on my head.

How to explain?

How to verbalize?

I read this recently…

“It’s the violence in my home I wasn’t prepared for.  We adopted a cute little 2 1/2 year old, with the most endearing little dimple that lights up his face when he smiles.  But when he gets angry, he goes into an uncontrollable rage.  It’s as if he is possessed.  He is violent beyond words.  he turns into a wild animal—biting, hitting, kicking, literally assaulting his family, especially me, his mother.  I’m so scared… what is going to happen when he gets older?  I’m terrified that he’s going to really hurt someone.  I never could have believed this kind of violence could be possible from such a small child.  It is so unnerving.”

-- Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control, by Heather Forbes & Bryan Post

Big Breath.

I totally “get” what this mother is saying.

I am there.

It’s really hard to admit that.

I was recently in a counseling session with my daughter.  My daughter was angry I had picked her up from school early to go to the session, and she proceeded to be angry and say angry things to me for 2 hours after picking her up.

2 hours.

So, the counselor observed the behavior.

Her advice.  Keep doing what you are doing, I would tell you to respond exactly the way you are.

Okay.

INSERT MY HEAD BANGING HERE!!

So what you, professional, are telling me is that you have nothing.

But, you see, me not getting angry back and my child is NOT making my child less angry.

So, I say to my daughter, hey you have eaten a lot of animal crackers today, lets put those away and get an apple or something healthy for you instead.

She goes into a violent fit of rage.

Violent.

Trying to hurt me.

Hurt others around our house.

Rip about what ever she can rip apart.

Over cookies?

Really?

I have been praying & praying for some answers.

Tools.

I need tools.

I need education.

I need to understand how to help my daughter process things so that she can become a productive member of society and not a inmate in the state pen!!!!!!!

She’s  6.

I won’t be strong enough to do this much longer.

It has gotten 100 times worse since school started.

Good news is that at this point she saves it all for me.  She is doing okay at school.  Not perfect.   But, okay.

Deep Breath.

I say something to someone about the temper tantrums at home… “well, just keep a thumb on her and it’ll get better”.

I didn’t slap her.

I wanted to.

I wanted to say, lady I have my whole body, soul and mind on her and it just keeps getting worse!!!!!!!!!!

INSERT SCREAM HERE.

Early last week there was a local radio station interviewing author and adoptive parent Heather Forbes.  Heather was scheduled to come to a town near me and speak last Saturday.

THREE people called me to tell me to turn on the radio and listen.

I went and heard her speak last Saturday.

This is what I have to say.

I have hope.

God has heard my prayers.

I am changing things in my life.

I am understanding better the brain of a child who has been through trauma.

I could just cry with relief that someone hears my pleas for help & comes along side.

I will share more as I learn & hopefully have results.

I would appreciate your prayers as I try to make these changes in my parenting & in their lives.

Pam

We have a roof over our heads

Want to hear a great story?

A great true story?

A great true story about a roof?

A great true story about a roof and God?

A great true story about a roof and God and a whole lot of people who allow themselves to be God’s Hands?

See, I didn’t even know there was a problem with the roof.

I live inside where, unless there is water coming out of somewhere it isn’t supposed to be, I am pretty much oblivious.

But, God.  He knows it all.  And He knows when there is a need & when He decides to fill it.  He gets His way.

31 hours from start to finish & it was scraped & DONE!

And the mess was even cleaned up!

That’s Zach in the yellow shirt, totally in his element with a nail gun in his hand… he loves construction.

Jadon loved the magnetic stick that searched for nails!

The clean up crew worked hard!

You can’t even imagine how humbling, amazing, thankful, overwhelming, wonderful this was to receive & to witness.

God sees our needs.  Even when we don’t know we have them.  And He provides. 

HUGE thanks to all who answered the call & came out to help!!

Pam

Many thoughts…

It’s been a good while since I wrote an update on our family.  I have much to be thankful for & much to continue to be prayerful for.  I’d like to share… If you’d like to hear.

James is home for the weekend!!  He “loves college”!  It is so good to have him here!  To see him in person!  It’s been a long/short 2 weeks since we moved him in & our convos since then have been quick & short & full of “gotta go mom!”  I am thrilled to pieces that he is loving it so much.  I think he’s studying!  I know he had some “shock” going into the first few classes with the amount of homework & papers that would be required.  He’s adjusting to that.  His thoughts, as of now, are that he won’t be back until fall break, mid October.  This is all so strange.  It’s good, just an adjustment!  He’s done a lot of sleeping this weekend… something I am sure they are not doing much of in the dorms!

We pulled my sister’s camper out of the barn yesterday & we have been camping in the back yard (the best kind of camping!! or at least the easiest!!!)  My younger kids are loving it!  My back is hating it!!  Not sure if I can do it another night, but in my heart I would love to try!

We are enjoying football season around here again!   Zach’s been playing mostly jv, but he got in for 2 quarters of varsity last Friday!  He’s much more excited about playing when he is getting some varsity time. 

Leah really enjoys cheerleading!  She’s such a fun girl to have around!

Her squad at photo day last week!

Kiahna turned 6 last Sunday.

My beautiful little girl is dealing with some major behavior issues.  Thankfully, at this point they are mostly just for me & nothing at school (to my knowledge). 

Her tantrums seem to be growing in intensity & frequency. 

I would give anything to know how to help her overcome whatever it is that is causing this in her.  I continue to search & pray for answers.

Last week there was a radio talk show on the FW Christian radio station, & 3 people called me to tell me to turn it on & listen.  It was Heather Forbes, author of the book Beyond Consequences. 

She is coming to FW this next Saturday & speaking.  I am planning to go.  I ordered her book & I am praying that this may finally be something to lead us towards some help.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Things can’t keep going like this.  She needs help.  I need help. 

A group from our church is coming this week and putting  a new roof on our house!!  How blessed we are for that!!  I have been oblivious to the state of the roof, but apparently there are some major things that need revamped & repaired on it!  THANKFUL God has people looking out for things like that for me, I sure have no clue!!

Now if my washer repair guy would come out & replace the part he ordered for my washer so that I don’t have to hit it with a football cleat to get it into the spin cycle, my life would be… well… better! :)

Pam

Life is just hard…

It is so hard to be a teen today… I can’t imagine. 

Having access 24/7 to friends, technology, stimulation of your mind & emotions that just doesn’t stop.

That’s what kids  have when they have texting & ipods, computers, video games… no rest.  No break.  No way to get away from the drama.

Unless.

Your mom is really mean.

Forcing you to live like it’s 2000 or even 2005.

Shutting off your cell phone.

Banning you from your facebook account.

Refusing to purchase online game systems.

Or and Ipod.

They have it rough.

:)

Obviously, I am trying to make light of our recent difficulties around here.  Lots of punishments have been put in place.

Trust has been shattered.

Lies have been told.

As a parent you want to believe your kids wouldn’t lie.  Or that they wouldn’t make really stupid choices to begin with that they feel the need to lie about.

That doesn’t always happen either.

I really, really want to share our story of this past week, but I am still praying about how & if I can.  The reason I want to share it is that parents really need to know what is out there.  Up until this week there was a un-named monster out there preying on my children.  Today I have a name for that monster, and it’s preying on other children too.

Not ready to share that all yet.

Pray for your kids.

Pray for the schools.

Pray for the truth to be exposed.

Pray for the evil to be exposed.

Pray that if your kids are doing something they shouldn’t that they will be caught.

If you dare.

Because its hard to know the truth sometimes.

It can rock your world.

Ruin your week.

Cause you stress.

Push you to your knees.

But, that’s not always a bad place to find yourself.

Pam

Please just pray…

Things are a little rough over here right now.  I can’t/won’t share the details, but please be prayerful…

I have had a bad cold this week too, makes it harder to handle the rest of the stuff.

Just pray.

God knows.

& He is the Father to the fatherless…

“But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand.  The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.”

Psalm 10:14

Pam

Move in Day: College

Well, I did it. 

I moved my oldest son to college 2 1/2 hours away from home.

By Friday afternoon, he had everything packed up & ready to put into the trailer we borrowed to haul all three of their things to the campus.

We wanted it all packed up before the football game on Friday night.

This is what Zach did during the football game.

Even though we won big, he didn’t get any playing time… MONDAY is the first JV game!

Early Saturday morning, James & I, Alex & Andrea (Tim’s mom) headed out for campus.  (Tim went a week before for cross country camp)

The Dorm:

We were met in the parking lot by a swarm of upper classmen who carried all of the boy’s items to their 2nd floor room…

These were hanging outside their room.

Tim & a pretty empty room awaited us…

We had carpet to lay so they lined all their belongings down the hall…

Wonder how long that power-aid will last them!?

Laying the carpet…

Figuring out that none of them were engineering majors, as they try to figure out how to arrange the furniture!

One of their highly intelligent mothers (ahem) came up with the idea that finally worked!  (not my idea to put that desk there!!

 

Furniture arranged, It’s time to bring in the “stuff”

But, maybe we need a break first…

Unpacking it all…

Alex’s sisters “helping”

Done!!!  Trying out their lofts…

And their desks…

The room is all done…

Time to relax before the family picnic… (all the rest of the family arrives)

Checking out James’ loft…

 

Tim’s mom,  Andrea, relaxing…

 

A Bethel cheerleader?

Playing with my camera (aka, why my battery died before the end of the day)

Walking around campus…

This is what the fountain says… The college motto…

 

The back of their dorm… Sand Volleyball courts…

Their room is the 2nd floor on the end close to us in this photo…

The view from their room… it's hard to see, but there is a bridge & a waterfall in those rocks… beautiful…

Family picnic time…

525 incoming freshmen & their families…

Sitting around eating…(making me a face with bbq all over his teeth!!)

Waiting for the next event…(& my battery dies)

 

After the picnic they called the students to go into their blocks.  12 different small group blocks that will be spending lots of time together in the coming semester.

And the families went into the auditorium, where they made us cry.  Talking about our students & encouraging us in the coming days with how to encourage them.

Then we went back out and met with the other families who were in our student’s block & met the teachers that will be teaching the 2 classes the block has together.

The teacher’s gave us all (and our students before us) a marble.  We were to hold the marble and the marble stood for us & our hands stood for God.  They wanted us to keep it with us to remind us to pray for our student.

Then we went back out side and the students all were in their blocks standing around the reflection pond…

We stood with our students while we recited a pledge that they passed out to us.  “A Declaration of our Commitments”

Then we sang a song…

Take My Life, and Let it Be

Take my life & let it be

Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;

Take my hands and let them move

At the impulse of Thy love,

At the impulse of thy love.

Take my feet and let them be

Swift and beautiful for Thee;

Take my voice and let me sing

Always, only for my king,

Always, only for my king.

Take my love, my God, I pour

At Thy feet its treasure store;

Take myself and I will be

Ever, only, all for Thee,

Ever, only, all for Thee.

And, then I started to cry.

One of those cries where you feel like the dam is going to burst & things are going to get ugly felt like it was coming on… I was trying to hold it in…

The song ended, whew.

And then they said, “now parents put your hand on your student, and I am going to pray with you”

I did, James dad (yes, he showed up), and my parents all did.

They began to pray, and my peace flooded back in… I no longer felt like I was going to lose control & bawl.  It was amazing.  It was an amazing prayer.

When the prayer ended, they said, “you have 5 minutes to say goodbye & students you are report to the auditorium in 10 minutes”

We all hugged & I cried a little more.

We walked back to our vehicle.

The other 5 kids started arguing about who was sitting where.

Dad found James’ ipod in his vehicle & I had to call security to let me back into the building so I could slide it under the door…

Life moves forward…

Pam