Pull Me Out

If you go on my play list (left sidebar) song #94… Bebo Norman, Pull Me Out… I can relate…

tell me now, when does this start feeling
like I understand everything I’m dealing with
first I was young, now it’s all just happening
and what about the way I said that
made you turn around and shake your head
like I don’t even know what I’m asking for

this could be all about just letting go
this could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out

remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
and now I feel like I’m treading water
and I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
to make my way on the earth by standing still

not a moment too soon You will be my rescue
but tell me how long will it take?

can you pull me out? can you reach down and pull me out?

My peace is being tested.  It is being tried.  What will I do?  What will I choose?  Will I choose to panic?  Will I choose to worry?  Will I choose anger?  Will I choose to let it “matter”?  Will I choose to pick up my sacrifice & start dragging it around with me again? 

There really are many choices I can make.

Yesterday was interesting.  Without going into details, I talked to HSSH on the phone and it went really well.  I was so amazed.  Felt like I was talking to a new person!

THEN, we went to the track meet, he was there.  And I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me.  The things he said in the conversation he was going to do, he did not do.  And I was blindsided.

Despite all of that, he is planning to take all the kids (not Kiahna) from Sunday morning to sometime on Monday.  If you follow along, you will already know he has not taken anyone on a visit since Labor Day.  So, while I know this is a good thing, at least I want to know that, it is still very hard, and I find myself having to really focus to keep my mind from going to all those places I know I don’t want it to go.

I want my emotion for next week to be Thankfulness.  I want to choose to be thankful in this time. I want peace to remain.  I want to be joyful & singing…

I know I am no able.

Not on my own.

He needs to Pull Me Out…

Pam

Vlogemotion: WEEK 2!

It has been quite a challenge to get this up here today!  I tried three different ways to get it up here and finally, at 9:40 I got it done!! 

So i am joining Tim @ Fort Thompson for the second week, and I will just let the video speak for itself!

Pam

Laying it on the altar

I could not count the number of times I have said this phrase in the past 3 and a half years.  Add to that the number of times others have said it to me.  Many times.

What does it mean?

“Laying it on the altar”?

In the Old Testament you will recall they sacrificed offerings to God on altars.  This is how God was worshipped. This is what God asked of them in that pre-Christ time.

Why would anyone be suggesting that to me today?

It’s surely not a matter of me getting some wood, fire & stone and offering a lamb to God.  No.  That’s not it.

So, what?

There is one particular part of the Bible that talks about Abraham & his son Isaac.  And in this passage, God tells Abraham to go up on this mountain and offer up his only son Isaac to Him as a sacrifice.  Kill his only son.  This son that God had told him HE would make into a great nation.  This son that God had given to him and Sarah in their old age.  That son.

The Bible doesn’t give us the idea that Abraham questioned God on this.  It appears that Abraham heard from God, and he did what God asked.

Assuming Abraham is just as human as you and I, I have to believe, while he may not have verbally said it, his mind had to have been racing with questions.  He had to have been wondering what would happen and how God was going to pull this off.  He had to.  He was human.  Not perfect.  Not a saint.  Just a human.

Like me.

“After all this, God tested Abraham. God said, "Abraham!"
"Yes?" answered Abraham. "I'm listening."

He said, "Take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I'll point out to you."  Abraham got up early in the morning and saddled his donkey. He took two of his young servants and his son Isaac. He had split wood for the burnt offering. He set out for the place God had directed him. On the third day he looked up and saw the place in the distance. Abraham told his two young servants, "Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I are going over there to worship; then we'll come back to you."

Genesis 22:1-5 (Msg)

The passage continues with Abraham obeying, getting to the top of the mountain, raising the knife, and then…

They arrived at the place to which God had directed him. Abraham built an altar. He laid out the wood. Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the wood. Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son.

Just then an angel of God called to him out of Heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Yes, I'm listening."

"Don't lay a hand on that boy! Don't touch him! Now I know how fearlessly you fear God; you didn't hesitate to place your son, your dear son, on the altar for me."

Abraham looked up. He saw a ram caught by its horns in the thicket. Abraham took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

Abraham named that place God-Yireh (God-Sees-to-It). That's where we get the saying, "On the mountain of God, he sees to it."

The angel of God spoke from Heaven a second time to Abraham: "I swear—God's sure word!—because you have gone through with this, and have not refused to give me your son, your dear, dear son, I'll bless you—oh, how I'll bless you! And I'll make sure that your children flourish—like stars in the sky! like sand on the beaches! And your descendants will defeat their enemies. All nations on Earth will find themselves blessed through your descendants because you obeyed me."

As I understand it, we do this today when God is asking us to lay down something very precious to us.  Something we love very much. Something God has given us, and we felt was ours to keep.  And He is asking us if we are willing to give it all up for Him.

That’s how I understand it.

In my mind, I’ve been trying to do this.  I know it is the right thing to do.  So over and over again, I will lay down bits and pieces of things dear to me. Mostly my hurt. Trying to give God my marriage, but having a hard time seeing how I give it up and believe for a miracle at the same time.  Laying it down. Letting Him have it. Offering it as a sacrificial offering to Him.

I’ve said it.  I’ve done it.  I’ve said it.  I’ve totally struggled with understanding it.

Last week I was on the mower (a great place to think), and I was thinking about this whole concept.  The promise I believe God has given me for restoration of my family.  The desire I have in my heart for that to look not just as a restoration of a father back to his children, & his God.  But back to me.  Back as my husband. 

I saw myself over the past 4 years dragging the sacrifice up and down this hill.  laying it on the altar and then pulling it off again.  Up and down.  Up and down.  Up and down.

It’s been exhausting.

Then I thought.  Have I ever really, really raised the knife to this thing?  I mean, I’ve laid it up there and then I’ve snatched it back off (unaware most of the time) and drug it around. Tried to prop it up and make it look like a living thing.  But, have I ever raised the knife?

I haven’t.

In my mind I have totally struggled with being able to separate the death of this on the altar and giving up on God’s ability to do what He said He can do.  It just felt like giving up to let the thing die out… it’s too much for my brain to grasp…

And God’s saying, “You don’t have to grasp it, Just let Me do it.”

I saw myself in my mind, standing over the promises.  Standing over my marriage.  Standing over my dreams.  My hopes.  My pain.  My struggles.  My vision.  Holding this knife.  And looking around for God to “provide a lamb”.

I couldn’t plunge that knife that day.  I had to wait and see if a lamb showed up in the bushes.

The next day, still struggling with all the thoughts… I get another moment of silence.  I remember myself still standing with the knife in the air… and I tell myself, It’s time.  Your lamb is not coming. You must kill it. 

And I physically raise my arms and bring them down in the motion of lowering a knife into some unseen sacrifice.

Then I see myself, turning, leaving the sacrifice on the altar and walking away.  Tears streaming.  It’s dead.

I have no desire to go back and get it.  But, I know myself well enough to know I might try.  And I might find myself dragging the dirty, smelly, dead thing around again.  Trying in my own human strength to make it look alive.  I don't want to, but I know I am very capable of it.

I know that God is the only one who is capable of giving me the strength to leave it there.  He is the only one who is going to be able to bring life to where there is no life.  He is it.

I found this verse to be quite interesting…

“By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.”

Hebrews 11:17-19

In my mind, I reason… God can raise the dead.  I believe that.  I have that faith.  I do.

Pam

It doesn’t matter.

That’s my new theme.  It doesn’t matter.  It would take about 10,000 words, and you would all fall asleep reading about how I came to that theme in the past week.  I’ll try to condense it into 1000 words or less.  Or at the very least 3 or 4 blog posts… sheesh… Sometimes I just want to be funny.  You know, write about funny things like the dead animal carcass’s that the dog keeps dragging up to our house… oh?  That isn’t funny… I wish I could just sit and write a post and make it funny.  Too much seriousness over here sometimes, I am ready for a change.  I need a change.  So, here is hoping I can share some of the stuff I’ve been learning and experiencing for God… You won’t fall asleep or exit my page before I’m done, and maybe in the next few days I can move on to other topics… at least for awhile.  I know I am ready.

Last week in my very first Vlogemotion, and when I wrote about swirling & whirling emotions, you could see very plainly that I was at such a loss.  It has felt like my destiny was to deal with all these emotions every time my ex-husband came around.  That somehow I was stuck. 

Honestly, I didn’t see how even God could get me out of the state of mind I found myself in.

I sat in a counseling session on Thursday saying, no I don’t want to feel this way.  Yes, I want to surrender it.  BUT, I don’t see how anything is going to change.

As we sat quietly waiting on the Lord to answer my heart’s cry, I felt Him saying, “You don’t have to understand it Pam, Just let Me do it.”

One of my biggest struggles is my desire to understand and be able to wrap my tiny little human brain around a All Powerful Untamable God.  Sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. But, it’s real.

So, I’ve been learning about just letting God heal without me understanding the “how” or “why” of it.

How?  He’s God.  He Can.  He Will.  If we will let Him.  Oh.

Why?  He is God.  He loves me.  No reason.  He just does.  Cause He’s God. 

It doesn’t matter.  It just is.

Oh.

I could write a whole post on a couple of other issues He has been speaking to me about.  Maybe I will.  What He has been teaching me on sacrifice & Laying things down,  What He has been speaking to me about thinking I could “fix” or “save” or “change” someone.   Huge things.

Uhg.

I get so frustrated with myself.  That same old thing of wanting to understand, also manifests itself in a pride that says, “I want to learn it once and get it and not keep making the same mistakes over and over again”.  Ugly thing that pride.

I find it all over the place these days.  Places I never wanted to find it. Places I didn’t think it could encounter.  Another of the places I found pride this week is in this whole promise of restoration I have been talking about since HSSH left.  I found that as I wait, I get more and more nervous that maybe I have been wrong.  Maybe I told the whole world I believe God is going to do this, and maybe He never will!  And I find pride… because in those thoughts I find myself trying to justify HSSH’s actions, and growing increasingly frustrated with his actions, because they don’t match what I believe God wants to do, and if he doesn’t do what God wants him to do then I look like a foolish idiot who is wasting her life believing something that is never going to happen.

So it’s about me again.  PRIDE.  UGLY.  Blah!!

God, I believe You said this.  But, It is not up to me to make it happen.  I don’t even understand what You mean when You say that You want to bring restoration.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I’ have created a picture in my head of what I believe it needs to look like, and as time passes and it doesn’t play out I get pretty freaked out!  I fear.  I get angry.  I try to figure out ways to make You do things the way I want them to be.

And then I find myself in a tizzy of pain, emotions, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, life sapping issues… and I don’t want to be there either. 

Show me How to walk this out YOUR way. How to surrender to YOUR plans.  How to speak boldly the truth and then let YOU do what YOU want to do YOUR way, rather than me try to make YOU into something my human brain can comprehend.

Forgive me, Father.  Thank You for being YOU.  For continuing to teach YOUR children, over and over again.  And for not giving up on me.

*******

I’ve been working through all these things with God.  Yesterday morning I got a call from HSSH.  I saw I had missed a call from him and my heart rate immediately doubled.  I cried out to God (and my friend Judy) that this is what I want to stop!  Why can’t I see his name on my phone without my heart jumping into this mode?

I was so frustrated with that.

I ended up calling him back a little later, when my heart had slowed down.  The conversation was okay, I did have to defend myself against something Jadon ha told him last week at the ball diamonds.  That was difficult.

He had asked to do something with Lucas for his birthday.  Lucas had a game, and Zach had a game.  So I offered either another night or he could come to the game & then take them out for ice cream afterwards.

That is what they ended up doing.

All day, and then as I saw them at the games, these little details kept coming up in my mind.  Little things that he had said, or did, or I saw.  I felt like God gave me the words, “It doesn’t matter”. 

I just kept speaking & thinking that as the night went on. It doesn't matter. It’s okay.  It doesn’t matter. This is good for the kids. It doesn't matter.

Truly if I am going to let go of all the emotions and frustrations of this I have to not get myself all wrapped up in the things he is doing that are driving me nuts and I believe are wrong.  I have to let go.  I have to let God deal with Him.  I have to let God do what He wants to do and keep in my mind that it is not ME that is doing this it is GOD.  It is not my idea for restoration it is God’s… He didn’t and won’t ask me to do it for Him…

As I woke up this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks… I have peace.  I really do.  I am not in a swirl of emotions.  I survived seeing him, talking to him, and things not being how I wanted them… and I have peace.

WOW!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

Ephesians 3:20

Pam

For Your Listening Pleasure!

Go hit the pause button on the side bar. I know, I know, kinda annoying... :) Sorry. Can't have it all now can we!?! :)

Here now, for your listening pleasure... a couple of my favorite songs from our HS Swing Choir's concert this year...

He Never Failed Me

Trust Medley

This group, under the direction of Brad B. Has been taking their concert to area church's since after Christmas. 10 concerts in all!

After last night's performance, the pastor at this church said that our community is very blessed to have this large of a group of high school students who are willing to take their time and use their talents in this way. Amen!

We won't talk about anyone making any comments about how much fun the group has after the performances... not that that would be anyone's incentive for being a part of this group! They are a group that has much fun together, that sure makes it enticing to come and be a part of the choir for sure! After each concert they are invited to one of the student's homes for food and fun! They really have a ball! Who doesn't love seeing high school kids having GOOD CLEAN FUN!

So, great job again this year choir! I loved hearing you! I am proud of you! I am excited for next year when two of my boys will be in the choir! Good Luck Brad!! LOL!!

Pam

Turning 11!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LUCAS!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO YOU!!!

ELEVEN years!!  ELEVEN years since I gave birth to a 9 lb 9 oz bouncing baby boy!!  He was a c-section delivery (God is merciful!)! 

He was handsome from the start!  And such a joy!  When he was only a week old we learned the term SVT, when suddenly he wouldn’t hardly waken to eat & when he did he would just fall back to sleep almost immediately.  I took him to the doctor and this is when the SVT was discovered.  If you have never heard of SVT, you probably don’t read MckMama’s Blog!  Her baby has a much more serious case of SVT (Super ventricular Tachycardia or fast heart beat)  than Lucas did.  Lucas was in the hospital for a week, and went home with a heart monitor and on lanoxin, he didn’t need either for very long, outgrowing it quickly.  PRAISE GOD!

Lucas is my 4th child, he is a real sweet kid with a heart of gold!  My sister claims that her house gets much rowdier when Lucas comes over, so maybe his quiet is just relative to the other noise around here!!

I am hoping he will find the things he wants to do while in school.  Seems like he might not be quite as sports orientated as his older two brothers.  He doesn't have a very competitive drive,  “oh you want the ball, here you go!” :) That’s my Lucas! 

Lucas would rather climb a tree than throw the ball… jump on the tramp than shoot a hoop… there is nothing wrong with that, I hope he can feel that too as he grows up.

We have already done most of the celebrating for his big day!  On Mother’s Day we celebrated with all of my family at my sister’s house.  On Friday night, he had friends home from school…

They got muddy (gasp) & wet, and had a ball! (I wish I could crop Jadon out of that picture all alone, isn’t he hilarious!)

On Saturday night, I told Lucas that he could decide what we did.  He could pick the food, activity, anything.  He choose (after much indecision and direction from me) to go to Wal-mart with me and pick out his favorite foods, and then come home, cook with me, and then watch a movie!  We had much fun!

He chose steak, home-made fries, green beans, & mushrooms!!  YUMMMM!!!  He also chose cheesecake (after I pointed it out to him! :))  But, the cheesecake is still in the fridge, cause we came home and got some fresh rhubarb at the neighbor’s and made Carol @ Joy in the Journey’s recipe for rhubarb strawberry crisp instead!  YUMMY!!! TOO!!

Hope you had a great birthday celebration Lucas!  I love you!! 

Mom

YOUR Gonna Miss This… Moment… Week 34… VLOG

Today I am sharing with you a series of video clips I have taken this week! I hope you enjoy a little different way to capture the moments this week!

You’ll have to hit pause on the music again! Sorry!! :)

Lucas running this afternoon in the elementary track meet! He is in the blue shirt!

Zach hitting the ball last night in one of his 4 games this week!

Jadon & his classmates, "shaking their sillies out!" at preschool graduation last night! If it isn’t obvious, he is in the orange shirt! :)

Jadon again, this time at a preschool party he had today at another preschool program he was a part of this year!

 

This one I took in the van this afternoon... as you can see, Jadon is holding the "microphone" for Kiahna as she attempts to sing (and is corrected by Jadon) Jesus Loves the little children.  Lots of background noise, you might have to turn it up loud to make it out!

No video of Leah or James this time, I'll try to get them soon! I guess I could post pictures of Leah in that play last week! I didn't do that did I!?!  Check out that make up!  She was a juror, and her line was “otherwise known as ‘the big bad wolf'” And she said it 5 times! 

She also danced to “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf”… they were very cute! 

James is still hurdling... tonight he is at the conference championship. (and I am not, booo, but my parents are) He placed third in the 110 hurdles with a personal best time of 15.9 seconds! Very excited!

My friend Lora is there, and sent me this picture of him getting his ribbon from her cell phone!  (he is the one in the red & white)

The 4 x 100 Meter relay team is only 1/2 second from breaking the school record, someone dropped the baton tonight, so tonight it didn't get done, but they have once more chance next week at Sectionals!

Pam

**********************

Won’t you join me!  Post a moment (or many moments!) you know you will miss!  And link them up here!  If you are new to this, you can check it out in more detail here.

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So, I’m not feeling angry…

…and that is a good thing.  Right?

Instead I feel pain. 

So, those are my choices? 

Hurt & Rejection or Anger & Bitterness.

The other night I was reading another portion of the book From Battle Scars to Beauty Marks by Ellie Lofaro…

“At that point, I didn’t hate him anymore.  I actually felt nothing for him.  I had no feelings whatsoever.  I didn’t hate him; I didn’t anything him.  That is really the opposite of love, by the way, not having any feelings for anybody.  Hatred means you are really tied in with very strong love and disappointment in the person you still have such deep feelings for. But you are so hurt you hate them.  I didn’t feel anything.”

Okay, so when you put it that way, I guess it is a good thing that I have these feelings.  I don’t want to be numb.  I don’t want to stop caring. 

But, I also don’t want to have to fight the mental battle between anger & love each time I am in the presence of someone.

God? Am I destined to live out this waiting time with all these feelings raging through me?  Is there no other way?

I had peace the other evening when HSSH showed up (not alone once again) at Zach’s game.  I had to fight for it, self talking, the whole time.  But, I did have peace.  My body did not react with physical anxiety.

The next day though, I was just so sad.  Hurt by the betrayal again.  Hurt by the smile on his face.  Hurt that he appears so happy and well adjusted.

Anyone walking by would have thought nothing negative about him.  He’s that smooth.

I, of course, know the truth.  I know the unresolved issues he is dealing with .  I know the financial issues.  The lack of contact he’s had with his children.  The job issues.  I know that you can’t build healthy relationships with people with all the unresolved things going on in your life.  Let alone the fact that you have turned your back on the God you made a covenant to serve!

Can you feel the conflict of emotions I am dealing with? 

God, help me.  Teach me to give them to You.  Help me survive this.

Beth Moore really hit it on the head for me once again this morning too…

It’s Tough Being a Woman who can Balance Passion with Patience…

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the LORD is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for Him.”  --Isaiah 30:18

Longing & waiting in this verse are the same Hebrew Word.  ‘The Lord Waits…blessed are all those who wait’

You don’t wait alone.  Longing is part of the waiting.  It wouldn’t be a wait without the longing. 

I found real freedom in the realization, THE LORD IS WAITING TOO!

When your prayer request waits, He’s waiting too.  There is something the wait is for.

It’s tough being a woman—but it is trust that turns it around!

Somehow, God is going to get this whole waiting & trusting bit through my thick skull… and you my beloved readers & friends get to join me in the journey… thanks.

In a couple hours I have another counseling session.  Maybe I’ll get a few more of these wild thoughts tamed! 

Pam

First time Vlogemotion participant!

I am trying something new today! Thought you might all enjoy the treat! You get to watch me on video this time! Oh bother, add to my frustration (I have to write this on blogger to use the blogger video!) it won't let me link Tim without showing the whole url address! so click this image to get to Tim's site! To see more Vlogemotions, and to join in!

So, when I thought about my strongest emotion of the week, I was frustrated to realize that it was frustration AGAIN! So, listen to this to hear me talk more about it... and to see sweet Kiahna on my lap!

Not sure how many of these I will do! Leave me a comment to let me know what you think! You know cause, I have to actually be dressed & comb my hair to be on the camera myself! :)

Pam

I Just realized God is answering a prayer.

I also just realized that I am not real happy with “how” things are being played out, as God answers the prayer! 

Can I laugh at myself?

Sorta?

For almost the whole time HSSH has been gone, I have been telling him that he needed to be the one that made the effort with the kids.  He needed to be the one that came and was a part of their busy lives, not expecting them to be a part of his “new” life (90 miles away from them)

This morning I realized something.  In the past week, HSSH has suddenly started making more effort than he has made in over 3 years with his kids.

That is an answer to prayer.  That is God.

So, why do I find myself feeling angry and upset by it?

Is it because it doesn’t look quite like I had imagined it would?

Is it because instead of embracing me and saying “you were right about this, Pam”.  He appears to be even angrier at me than ever.  (maybe because he hates that I was right?)

I am not finding the satisfaction in being right about this that I wanted to find.

Instead I am finding the pain of rejection.  Rejection of me.  As he embraces our kids.  I find it hard to handle.

I know it is right that he does this.  I know it is God’s Hand that is allowing this. Help me Jesus to not grow bitter.  Please Help Me Jesus to deal with the jealous feelings I have.

Maybe part of me got real comfortable with the “new normal” we were living.  And change is hard again?  Him living his life and us living ours was so much simpler.  Not that it was right.

The news is that HSSH has told the kids he will be coming to Zach’s game tonight at 5:30.

You know we need your prayers.

God Help Me to Keep Praying Your Will and Not Mine.  Help me to Walk Out Your Will…

I shared something I read yesterday on my blog Standing too.

Thank you.

Pam