Class Project

Leah had to do this project for a class.  This photo is half her & half me… kinda weird!! 

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

Fishing photo

Last summer my dad took this photo with his phone when he took Jadon fishing.  He sent it in to the FW Journal, it was published yesterday!

Pam

Because I have a lot of photos & not a lot of time…

Trying something new, posting a photo, maybe once a day… to keep the blog going & because writing long posts isn’t always necessary or convenient…

Kiahna standing next to the hurdles James leaps in college track…

CRAZY!!

James is running at Christian Indoor Nationals this weekend…

Kiahna’s behaviors have been on the down hill, up hill, roller coaster this week again…

Pam

a sweet picture…

 

Last week Jadon didn’t feel so well… cuddling with G-pa helps!

Pam

In between the blog posts

So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.

Like last night.  Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me.  It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point.  It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.

My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard.  I am considering screaming.  Praying for peace.  Unsure of what to think.  Knowing it isn’t my choice.  Hating that feeling.

Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg.  No seizure activity the doctor says.  We can try a new med.  You can see this doctor next.  I can pound my head against a wall.  I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends.  I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her.  I can cry.  I can become extremely afraid.  I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation.  I can pray.  I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction.  I can pray again.

Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…

Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children.  Fighting against it.

Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad.  Wondering what the best is.  Wanting to ring his neck.  Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again.  Thankful for the little child support checks.

Needing to do a medication change for Jadon.  Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early. 

Clean up some puke.

Order some new flooring.

Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.

Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.

Hope.

Pray.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

Cry.

Fear.

Rest.

Overwhelm.

Grace.

Strength.

Endurance.

Life.

Death.

Peace.

Storms.

This is the stuff.

Pam

I ache for you son…

“Once they hand me that diploma & I walk out of that school everything will be okay in my life” 

“The problem is them.  They all hate me.  They all want to ruin my life.  They are out to get me”

My heart aches to see you find healing, son…

My head spins with all the things I want you to know & understand about life…

You won’t find happiness in the next stage in life if you don’t find it here.  It isn’t going to come from getting your diploma.  It isn’t going to come from a girl.  A college.  A wedding.  A baby.  A job.  A move.

It’s only going to come from within your heart, when you choose to let Jesus Christ come in & heal the broken hurting places.  When you choose joy in the midst of the world that hurts.  When you put others before yourself.

Without it you will only go through life hurting & hurting others.

“I don’t believe you”

I know.  I’ve lived.  I’ve watched.  I’ve hurt.  I’ve been hurt.

Just say the words “I am angry at my dad for what he did to me, I am angry that he isn’t here for me now.  I am angry that I don’t have his support in my life”… say the words out loud…

“I have said the words.  There is this one teacher who likes me & I have talked to her every day last week”

“I just need to talk to this one girl again, she will listen to me”

Am I not listening to you son?  Because I have an opinion about what you are saying I am not listening?  Are you going to go to someone who will tell you that everything you say is right & everyone around you is wrong?  Are you just looking for people to agree with you?  Other angry people will.

This has been a hard road.  Everything that has happened has changed all of us forever.  We will be dealing with the things that this has done to us for the rest of our lives.  I believe that.  There is forgiveness to give & bitterness to fight every day because the betrayal continues.

I watch my son get lost in it all… I ache.

Prayers change as children grow up & the control we once had, or felt like we had… the voice that we had that they could hear that they no longer can hear… My prayer for my grown(ing) up sons… I am so glad YOU are their FATHER… YOU got this right?  I can rest?  YOU know what to do… I believe You…

Aching for my son.

Pam

Pondering…

Thinking about how quickly life can change…

My neighbors & friends found out last night that their unborn baby is no longer living… just 2 weeks before delivery.

They called & asked me to come & photograph.

As I write this, I am waiting to be called up to the hospital.  They started labor, but things are progressing very slow.

One of the brother’s made a comment about “praying for a miracle today”.

Got my mind rolling.

I wonder if we miss the miracle sometimes.  Do we miss it because we are so focused on what we want the miracle to look like that we can’t see the actual miracle?

I think we do.

I know I have.

Because the miracle that comes from having God so near during times that feel like they are going to crush you with pain, that instead of being destroyed you feel peace… it’s hard to swallow sometimes.  We don’t want that to be our miracle.  We want the miracle of life restored.  We don’t want life to hurt so much.  We don’t want babies to die, husbands to leave, people to hurt us…

But.  If we never get the chance to experience God’s peace that passes all understanding in the midst of searing pain that we know should be killing us with it’s very intensity… how will we ever know God’s power in our lives.  We won’t.  We would have any need for it.

It’s in doing the impossible things in our lives that we can know He is a God of impossibilities…

As much as it hurts.

May we walk through this life, in awe of God’s power in the events that we feel are impossible. Giving Him glory & honor & praise for all things.  Good & bad.

Pray for Trevor & Rachel. 

Peace.  Grace.  Love.  Hope.  Restoration.

Pray God provides amazing memories of this child for them through the lens of my camera… I’ve never done anything like this before.

Pam

Where we are with Kiahna today

The issues that Kiahna lives with put us all over the map.  We have good days & horrific days.  We have okay days & days that make you think we will never live this way for the long haul.

Recently, things have improved drastically.

We began seeing a new neurologist.

We began Occupational Therapy.

We began services with an agency that is new to our area Meridian. 

We stopped some medications & began some others.

Today we are in a place where we are living semi-normal lives.  She is stable enough to go places without melt downs.  As long as I stay aware of her sensory needs & don’t let her become over stimulated or worn out.

She has been able to handle the Christmas season with ease.  The transition to home from school for break.  She was invited to play at a friend’s house & dealt with that with ease.

Praise the Lord!

The new neurologist ordered some testing that we had never had done before.  

The first was a sleep deprived EEG

Thankful for the help that my parent’s gave me preparing for this test.  We were to keep her awake most of the night & then drive her to FW for the testing at 8 am.  They kept her awake so I could sleep & then drive her in to the tests.

After this test we attempted an MRI.  She didn’t cooperate with that.  It’s a scary test!  We had to reschedule that one with sedation, we had to wait for that to be approved by insurance & that is coming up next week.

We just received the results of the sleep deprived EEG & they were abnormal enough that the doctor has ordered more testing.  This testing will require 24 hour admission to the hospital & the EEG will be recorded all during that time. 

The tests will confirm if she has Epilepsy.  She has not had any obvious seizures.  But, the testing was still abnormal enough it can’t be ruled out.  If she has the same issues while she is awake that she has when she is asleep, they will diagnose her Epileptic.

Add it to the list of labels.

When we began the latest medication round we had a great 2 weeks & then the behaviors began again, we increased them & have been on the level for a few weeks again… it’s a day by day thing.  Waiting for the medication to stop working.

Continued prayer is vital.

Pam

oh my, now I know why that got me so worked up…

Cleaning out drawers in the bathroom & it came to me… why I so worked up again???

This morning on WBCL they were interviewing, author, counselor and “co-parent” Tammy Daughtry

“What if your child’s ‘life-after-divorce’ could be better than you hoped for? As the post-divorce dust settles, your child’s chances of leading a healthy, successful life are directly linked to how you and your former spouse relate.”  --WBCL’s website

Co-Parenting Works! is the name of her book.

SO MY CHILDREN’S CHANCES OF LEADING A HEALTHY SUCCESSFUL LIFE ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW MY FORMER SPOUSE & I RELATE!!!!!

REALLY!!??!!!

Well… if that’s where our only hope lies, we are hopeless.

At least I know why I got so upset.

THANKFUL THAT MY CHILDREN’S HOPE LIES IN THE LORD JESUS AND NOT IN THE HANDS OF MYSELF OR MY EX-SPOUSE OR OUR ABILITY TO GET ALONG ON ANY LEVEL!!!

(read post that came right before this one for more insight to whatever I am talking about here!)

Pam