This morning, sweet, little, 5 month old Stellan is having surgery…today we are wearing orange all around the world to show our prayerful support of this family…read all about it on MckMama’s Blog.
Pam
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Heart Faces: Self Portrait
This week’s theme at I Heart Faces is a self portrait. You have to hold the camera and take the shot yourself! No tripods allowed! The children’s contest is you with a child! I have been saving this one from Florida, I saw this contest was coming up! Kiahna and I in Florida! My entry in the kids contest…
There is always a second contest, and I normally don’t have many adult pictures to enter! Go figure!! This was simple though, I had to just had to take a picture of myself! How easy is that!! I debated about entering, I showed James and Zach and they thought this was a good one! Try not to laugh, too much, okay!
That’s laundry I am laying in… nothing more needs to be said…
Fun!
Pam
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Lord, bring clarity to my mind…
I sit here with the now familiar tingle that I get when I know that I must put words to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, truths, lies, and experiences that have been going on behind the blog this week…
You may have wondered what was happening for real, if you read my post on Thursday…. or if you read my Twitters, you knew some things were going on and I was dealing with them…
What happened to make me feel shattered again? What was that letter I twittered about from HSSH? How did I really feel about James first college visit? What about the counseling this week?
I sit here on Sunday morning in awe that so much went on this week. That my emotions were all over the place. That God brought me so much healing. And that the pain of watching someone fall so far still goes on…
Rewinding back to the beginning of the week…Easter Sunday, HSSH called our house and left a message while we were in church. There was not a doubt, and know one had to be told, that he had called at a time when he knew that no one would be home. We go to the same church, with the same hours, that we went to all the years he lived with us as our husband and father… no one said anything about calling him back, and we moved on…
On Tuesday, James called his dad to invite him to a track meet. Because James knows that if the sporting event is close to his dad’s house, at a certain school, his dad will come. James told me after the call was made that he had made it.
He also told me that HSSH had written a letter to his 6 kids.
I try really hard not to say anything that is bad mouthing or that I wouldn’t want HSSH to read if he ever found my blog, or read it one day… I don’t think that there would be any argument in his mind (today there would be, but not if he ever reads this with a healed mind) that HSSH is still falling, falling, falling… and with that the things that He does that are painful to watch, and effect us, just keep coming.
The letter came on Wednesday. I opened it. Planning to take it with me to counseling the next day, and ask for advice on how to handle it. The letter was no surprise to me. I had heard him say everything that the letter said before. But, this time I am supposed to let my kids read it?
See, when someone is falling they will find anyone to blame for the direction they are going, as long as it is not themselves. And if it has to become a situation that the blame falls on innocent children… then that falling person ignorantly, blindly, desperately lets that happen.
So, I have this letter. I am appalled. I am stressing. I am questioning. I am screaming… remember the "shattered" post. That is then.
James, on the other hand, is not home. School to track meet. James starts texting me from the track meet. Telling me about his time in the 110 hurdles, where he cut a whole second from his time, and only missed 1st place by .2 seconds (don’t miss that decimal point!)
My inquiring mind of course wanted to know if his dad showed up. He had.
I told James I was glad for him that his dad came. I also told James that the letter that his dad had told him about had come in the mail.
James said, “do me a favor and throw it away”
What?
My first reaction was, NO WAY! You are not going to be ignorant of this man’s doings if you are going to invite him to be a part of your life!
My second reaction was relief. Well, if James wants it thrown away then I guess I won’t have to show it to the rest of the kids will I?
Suddenly, I could see it. The hand of God. The reality that even when I didn’t feel Him. When I was kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum very parallel in thought if not in action to my daughters the week before, God DID have things under control. He knew how He would protect my kids.
By the time James got home I was completely in agreement with the “throw it away” plan. But, I knew that if it happened, James had to be the one to do it, and not me. I told him so, and he walked to the trash can and threw it in.
Again, my 17 year old is showing more maturity than his 38 year old father.
Peace.
Another storm calmed.
The next day when I went to counseling, she was in full agreement with how things had been handled with the letter.
James had even told me that HSSH had said he was “feeling dumb” about the letter since James called him before James even read it…
YA THINK!!
Grrrrrrr
In watching the video study of Esther, Thursday morning, I felt God’s voice speaking to me once again. This was session six. Beth was calling the events that were happening in the sixth chapter of Esther a “reversal of destiny”.
“A reversal of destiny: However it appears the events are going. God picks it up turns it around, and you have to say ‘That has to be God’”
Where I see us with this whole journey is at a place like that. Somehow God is going to have to create some event in HSSH’s life that is going to literally pick him up, turn him around 180 degrees and set him on a different course. I confess, I don’t see it happening any other way. I also confess, I doubt it ever happening. I guess that is why Beth says “you will have to say ‘That has to be God.’”
Yesterday, I received in the mail another blow. This time from the prosecuting attorney’s office. A year of unemployment for HSSH is up, and it seems until he finds employment we won’t be getting any child support.
That is really hard to stomach.
There is so much room for bitterness and anger with just this topic alone.
God has been so good to provide for us in all ways. The church HE has us in sees us, and they give to us more than we could ever deserve. God knows. God provides. God will not leave us.
While the temptation to verbally drive HSSH into the ground for the past weeks’ events is huge… please don’t go there. It helps no one. Especially not us.
I confess that I don’t understand the why’s of all of this. But, I do feel God’s presence and know that in Him, all things will work together for good. Even when we can’t see. I know, because going on 4 years now, He has never once let me down.
MckMama wrote a post yesterday called Transparency. I can relate so well to her words, regardless of our very differing circumstances. Hoping that you can relate to my words regardless of our different paths.
“He wants me, and my life, and this blog, to bring Him glory.” –MckMama
I pray that as you read this today, it brings God glory for being the ONE who is ABLE to bring us through hard, long, unfair, unimaginable, circumstances. That is the purpose.
GLORY TO GOD!!
Pam
Friday, April 17, 2009
You’re Gonna Miss This… Moment… Week 30… Preschool to college in 12 hours or less…
Sigh… when I signed up to be a mom of these kids they were all so little and sweet and non-threatening like… now they are getting so big!! I’m learning to be ready… I am dealing with my stuff… lots going on in my mind…
Last night, Jadon and I went to Western Night at his preschool!
We had some rip-roaring-howdy-dudie fun! Riding stick horses, playing bean bag toss, lassoing bouncy ponies, playing the hokey pokey and doing the chicken dance! Can’t forget a snack with horse cupcakes! What fun!!
This morning we got up and left home at 6:30 am, James, My Dad, and I, and went on a college visit to Anderson University.
Tonight, I get to go with Jadon again, this time to a party with his Sunday School.
I think I have whip-lash!
Preschool is so simple… I remember when James was there… sigh… yesterday… ;)
I feel like a yo-yo trying to make sense of kindergarten round up and financial aid packets!
I am sure we will survive.. it will be an adventure… never a dull moment… plenty of mud… and I know I sure wouldn’t want to miss it!! I should write a blog about that… oh yes. I do!! :)
Pam
Read More about participating in this carnival here. Can’t wait to see what you all write! Don’t forget to leave comments, link up, and go see all the others!!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Who Me? “Shattered”?
A couple of days ago I read a post by a fellow divorced-single mom-walking with God through the pain, Linda…
“Mostly, it feels pretty whole. But, there are days and moments when it feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces. I trust that God knows where each of the fragments belong, and that His hands won't get all tied up in super glue. I wonder, if He, too, puts the big pieces together first, and then comes back for the detail work.”
I was moved to tears by her words, because I get it. I feel that way sometimes too. In fact I was feeling that way then.
Not only that, I also feel like I am this stubborn, rebellious, angry, impatient child… and as He puts the fragmented pieces of my life back together, sometimes I just look at Him with frustration, grab all my pieces in haste, look at Him with this nasty expression… you know the one…
And I want to scream!!!!! YOU ARE TOO SLOW!!! I DON’T THINK YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! THAT HURTS, DO YOU KNOW THAT!!!!!! I DON’T LIKE THIS!!! IT’S TAKING TOO LONG!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! I want to kick. Scream. Hit. Make it all about me.
Maybe that is why I have the children I do.
I have so much to learn.
So as He holds on to me, while I kick, scream, flail, and would fall out of the grocery cart if not for His hands gently holding on to me. All the while thinking that what I am so upset about is so huge, He sees the bigger picture. He had control all the time. All I could see is that I wanted to be out of the grocery cart, or maybe that was Kiahna at Wal-Mart last week, I am so confused now.
“ for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.”--Psalm 103:14
Pam
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Teeth * Treats * Tuesday
Thanks for the prayers yesterday… Kiahna’s trip to the pediatric dentist for what ended up being 2 sliver teeth, one root canal & one partial root canal…
She did very well, from what I know… I was not allowed in with her.The Dr told me that she tried to tell him how to do things, and he told her that this was “his house” and they will do things “his way”. She told my mom this morning, “I told the doctor to stop!” (she keeps trying to get someone to be on her side and say that all these people who won’t allow her to take over the world are wrong!)… we just bet you told him Kiahna… we just bet…
Check out that swollen lip…
This morning it is white inside the lip and a painful looking sore is there. She is not complaining at all though, I have Tylenol with codeine for her, but she is acting fine today.
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I have some fun pictures for you from Easter Sunday at my parents… hunting for Eggs with treats inside… I’ll add a quick update with each picture…
Jadon’s been doing pretty well! I had a conference with one of his preschool teachers and she doesn’t feel he needs to be medicated for any bad behaviors in school. I was thankful for that. He did get his only negative mark on her report for “keeping your hands to yourself”. No surprise there. Something we must continually work on. His T-ball coach called to tell us his first practice is next Monday!
You got the update on her teeth… preschool has been quiet, as in, they don't say much at pick up or delivery… just that they feel they are making progress. Things have been pretty quiet with her behaviors lately, I am hopeful we are going in the right direction, but get frustrated pretty fast sometimes. She seems to have had a revelation of “having Jesus in her Heart” since her last counseling appointment. She is telling people that Jesus came and lives in her heart now… believing this to be some sort of turning point for her… waiting to see.
Lucas & his cousins were climbing that tree to see who’s egg was all the way up there!! He’s lost two teeth in the past week! My sister says she doesn’t agree with my saying that Lucas is my quiet one, she says her house is much louder when he is over! (perhaps it is all relative??) Lucas began his little league practices last week, and has had 3 rained out practices since that first one!
Leah was one of the egg hiders this Easter, when I found her to take a picture her and G-Pa were enjoying their goodies already! Leah had her first track meet last Saturday, I didn’t travel to watch her do the long jump… I hope to see her participate soon, but we had a rained out meet last night and tonight’s looks like it may be rained out too.
Can you just see that orneriness in this kid!? Zach and I seem to be in a season where we are butting heads quite a bit. He wants to be grown up and I want him to still be 14… He’s a great kid, he just needs a very tight leash. And I need to have perspective and wisdom. Seems like it happens so much quicker with the second one… uhg. He’s playing baseball (when it isn’t raining) and is liking it. But, he is also liking telling everyone how his mom is “making” him play baseball and he really wants to run track… whatever. urg.
Things have been going pretty well with James lately. In the last quarter of his junior year, so senior year and college are on our minds, along with the current activities, track, prom, girlfriend, passing Spanish… he got fitted for his first tux yesterday, his girlfriend, Alisen, went along. (same girl he was dating earlier) Prom is May 2, so are the SAT’s.
As of this morning it seems we are taking a visit to Anderson University on Friday! This is a college I would personally LOVE to see James go to. It is a Christian school, about an hour from home, and one that is small enough he may even get a chance to be involved in some sports there. His Uncle Ben, and our new head football coach both played football for Anderson. While much will be based on how this coming season goes for James, it is not a dream that is outside of his grasp… so I need to pinch myself to wake up the reality that one of my children is going to be flying from the nest one day soon… and again be praying for God to show us the way.
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Each Tuesday the Riggs Family Blog hosts Laughter Lives Tuesday. This week they are asking to hear about April Fools jokes, I don’t have any of those but I did save some funny things that the kids said lately just for this…
Yesterday, Kiahna was sitting in her car seat and we were driving home from her appointment… she told me “I don’t want these teeth!” then she asked, “who gave me these teeth?” (I’d bet she doesn't realize her real teeth are still there under the silver caps).
My mom sent a bag of old pictures home with me on Sunday. One of the kids were looking through them. Jadon bounced up and said… “Oh look, Zachery is wearing girl clothes!”
Poor Zachery! :)
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Well, life around here will be in hyper drive as soon as the rain stops. Last night there would have been practice for 3 kids and a meet for one, the rain put an end to all of that. Tonight it is supposed to be raining too. Two meets, 2 practices. Waiting to see if they will be canceled or if we will be enduring cold rain… If you don’t hear from me again until sometime in the middle of June… you will know I decided to put up a tent in the outfield…
Pam
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Heart Faces: Easter/Spring
This week I Heart Faces is hosting an armature contest! The theme is Easter/Spring. Here is my entry…
Enter the contest yourself each week at I Heart Faces!
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My sweet (sometimes) girly up there smelling that beautiful Easter Lily is having a root canal done today at 12:30… if you could whisper a prayer… thanks.
Pam
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!
Hope you are all having a wonderful blessed day!! Thinking about the amazing resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
Our family spent the day at church and will be leaving for dinner and evening at my parents house…
Pam
Saturday, April 11, 2009
YOUR Gonna Miss This…Moment… Week 29
Whew… what a week. So full of moments, I don’t know how to narrow it down!
James had his first track meet of the season. Lucas had his first baseball practice of the season. I had a shopping day with Leah. James cleaned my house & had friends over. Kiahna & Jadon said silly things & got into mud again. Zach, oh he is the one who confiscates my cell phone to text his new girlfriend every time I am around. I had a good counseling session & wonderful Massage.
Biggest in my mind are the most recent. The kids were off of school yesterday for Good Friday (and they are off Monday for a teacher in-service) Leah was in desperate need of a shopping spree where we got her some personal items… her and I had a wonderful day together, just the two of us. My mom, dad, & sister had the other kids, I didn’t worry about them at all.
Back in January, on Leah’s birthday, she had wanted to go to TGI Friday’s for dinner. The weather ended up being too bad to drive that far, so we settled for a local place with the hope of making it to Friday’s sometime soon. Better late than never! We had lunch at Fridays, hit the mall, Kohl’s a couple times, Old Navy (where I found this really great bag that has a cooler lining in it!! Last baseball season I always had a wet bag from cold drinks! NOT THIS YEAR!!!) Definitely a day to treasure!
We came home to a wonderfully clean house! James had been given permission to invite over some friends. He cleaned (with some of my mom’s help) the house from top to bottom! I don’t have it in me in this season to EVER have my house clean from top to bottom! EVER! (of course I found the things that were on the bathroom counter stuffed in the hall closet) But, it is so nice! I think 7 kids showed up, including James’ girl friend, Alisen. They are back together again. The evening went well. Good kids!
After I had my younger kids in bed, I was sitting up reading (I had to make myself some coffee I felt like going to sleep at 7:30 myself!) I was thinking about the counseling session I had this week. Interestingly, she brought up the concept of being fully present in the moment. (I thought of this blog & this carnival!) I know that this is what God wants for me, I know that this is what I want for me. Worry, fear, & sadness about what isn’t, take that away from me over and over and over again. I must continue to make the conscious choice to be mentally there.
Don't cry because its over, Smile because it happened!
Dr. Seuss
Pam
Thursday, April 9, 2009
How are you doing?
At the end of last week, a long time friend responded to an e-mail I had sent about the kids asking how I am doing…
You would not believe my response…
How am I doing?
I have no idea how I am doing.
How AM I doing?
God? How am I doing?
I am humbled and horrified at the answer that has come from asking that question. I am horrified because I can tend to believe that I have things all under control, I am humbled because I don’t.
I’d been feeling like I was arguing with God over the issue of fasting. I would go to make my coffee in the morning and hear, “you really should be fasting that today”… most of the time I’d ignore it. Then I would feel guilty about it.
But, I would say to God, if you want me fasting, please show me in a way other than just convicting me when I go for that sweet cup that comforts me so much. He didn’t.
I found myself dealing with thoughts of failure. Thoughts of not praying enough. Not fasting enough. Never seeing my prayers answered in my lifetime because I couldn’t be enough.
The last phone conversation I had had with HSSH had left me discouraged. It had been so hard to hear his angry words again. I read a great book by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs, I Do Again… I loved the book and found much encouragement… but still heard that voice telling me that our circumstances are so much worse and so much more impossible than theirs were…
But, my life is busy enough that I didn’t even realize most of this until someone asked me this question of how I am doing… and then it took some time.
On Saturday I took a drive into town, alone, no phone, no radio. Me & God… I asked Him how I was doing and I felt like the answer was “You aren’t resting… What I have promised in HSSH will be done. You are to rest”.
Oh yeah, I thought… but maybe that is just me thinking that and not really God… God will you show me if this is You?
I mentioned to a couple people over the weekend that I wished that if God was really going to restore HSSH that HE would just do it and let me alone about it all for now.
My head is thick.
Beth Moore… She’s been speaking to me for weeks now in the study of Esther… I couldn’t hear much of what God was trying to say. I would think, “yeah, I’ve felt that”. But, didn’t see that I had begun feeling and doing it again.
Monday was the day that God finally opened my eyes…
I had taken Kiahna and Jadon to preschool. I was behind in my schedule, and didn’t get done at Walmart before I had to go pick them up. So, I checked out with the things I had, and just told myself that I’d go back after I picked them up. I didn’t have that much more to get, and it would just be fine.
It started out fine. Then Kiahna threw a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE temper tantrum. I bucked through it, refusing to let her “win”. Thinking the whole time that she was not going to control the world like this. I mean she was acting like a one year old… it was horrific. People were staring. Bad. Her shoes and coat were flying… get the picture?
I held it together until we got in the van and started home. She had finally stopped. I called my parents to take Kiahna for awhile so I could get a break (read: before I did something I’d regret forever) (thank GOD I hadn’t already)
I called our counseling office for an appointment.
We got into counseling that afternoon. Kiahna & I both went. It ended up being a tiny bit of time praying & talking with Kiahna, & a whole lot of time talking & praying about me.
This is when my eyes opened up again to the control I had tried to take over the circumstances I am living in. This is when I realized I was so frustrated with God’s slowness. I was spinning all these plates, not knowing how to make it stop…
Beth put in this way… and I had heard it on Thursday, but didn’t hear it til Monday…
“The stronger I feel about something the more I want to see it happen. And when I don’t see God moving, I want to step in and volunteer to help”
Maybe it was this one too…
"We lose our strength when we wait on the event, on the person, on the thing. But, if you’re waiting on the Lord you’ll renew your strength. If all we are doing is waiting on the thing were depleted day after day.” --Beth Moore, Esther, Video 5
Humbled to know that I had lost all focus… was trying to DO enough myself to somehow produce a miracle in HSSH’s life… I was being told NOT BY GOD to fast more, pray more, be more… because I wouldn’t get a miracle until I did…
How sweet freedom tastes again… How sweet my coffee tastes again… knowing I am to rest. God is doing a good work. I am to wait for it…
Interesting that the continuing topic in the Esther study is… “It’s though being a woman who can balance patience with passion”
Pam
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