“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”
Galations 6:9
I am weary.
“'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm”
Matthew 8:26
I am afraid.
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but no abandoned; struck down but not destroyed.”
2 Corinthians 4:9
I feel crushed, despaired, abandoned, and destroyed.
I heard Bill Johnson say this morning in an online message that I listened to here.
“It’s important when we pray something that our thought life and our conversations are consistent with our prayers. Don’t pray one thing and then talk another. Pray with the whole man”
I am not there right now.
The place I have been living has grown increasingly fearful, despaired, crushed, hopeless, weary, joyless, angry.
I find myself crying more and more.
I struggle for words…
I feel God here in this place. I know that I am being told some extremely believable lies by the enemy. I know that God is not letting me go. I know that there is a reason for the brokenness I feel.
There is a complexness to the issues… deep seeded disappointments, fears, hopelessness over the marriage I have been believing restoration for…
Extreme fears in the midst of horrific behaviors from my youngest 2 children that it really isn’t making a bit of difference in their lives that I’ve adopted them.
A roller coaster of emotions over my oldest graduating from high school and moving on to college. How can one event be so full of excitement & sorrow? Feeling frustrated that J & K’s issues are keeping me from being able to enjoy this season with James as I want to.
Zach looked at me last night and said “what am I going to do when James goes to college?”
Please hear me when I say to you that unless you have known the pain of a father abandoning your home, I don’t think you can grasp the thoughts that come to your mind when you think of another strong male figure in your home leaving. Even though its for completely different reasons, and it’s completely not the same…
The dynamic in our home is going to change so much… I wish you could see the tears flowing down my face right now as I type…
My prayer right now is… God, it’s all too much. I need to know that the weight of the changes, responsibility, schedule, disappointments, unfulfilled dreams, is not going to crush me.
I confess that lately it feels much more like it is going to crush me, than not.
I don’t know what to do.
I see You in the midst… I see you in the scholarships, the room mate, the open doors, the closed doors, the counseling, the finances, the friends, the family…
Help me to focus on where I see You & to believe You are there where I don’t.
You are there in the temper tantrums…the anger… the disruption of our home that these create… You see… You know… You have an answer…
Please show me.
I CANT DO THIS. YOU MUST. please.
Pam
6 comments:
(((hugs)))
Definitely praying.
Here if you want to vent more.
So sorry. I understand. Truly. I understand. It is hard. Very hard. What you're going through is next to impossible really. Still, it won't crush you because what would that mean? In some ways that might be easier, but it's not the road most of us choose. The sun still comes up every day. We still get out of bed and do our best. Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not, but one foot in front of another we try and try and try again and time passes.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. God is with you, but sometimes it's still scary and overwhelming and just plain hard.
I'm here for you too.
The one thing I can tell you is that James leaving will be very hard for you, for your kids, but you will all find a new normal. It will be okay...eventually.
Good luck with Kiahna and Jadon. Their lives truly are blessed because you adopted them. Don't doubt that. It just isn't a magic wand that fixes everything. They're still much better off with the support and love you give them. Yes, even on your worst days.
(((hugs)))
Thought I cannot relate to much of your life I can stand beside you and comfort. And I can relate to many emotions a Mother feels.
I'm praying, alot.
Pam,
I love Mom 24's encouragement and also, I am with Bonnie. I can't relate to most of this, but I am praying for you. I wish I had a magic wand that could make it go away.
I love your heart and how you want to do and be the best for your children. Keep holding on to God to see you through every aspect of your life. I know you are and it's still hard.
Hugs,
Carol
Hi Pam -
I'm praying for you, for the Lord's comfort and a sense of His nearness.
"he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold" Job 23:10
"he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust." Psalm 103:14
"thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress" Psalm 4:1
He knoweth, and nothing is outside of His control.
Robin
Good afternoon, Pam. It truly breaks my heart to read this post. The truth is, I have definitely been here (or I'm currently here) with having my dad pack up and leave and hardly seeing him again. I'm only 17 but somehow I feel a relation to you and your children because we are on similar paths.
My dad left when I was just 12 years old and it really took a toll on me. Not even a year later, my oldest brother left for college and he left my middle brother, my mom, and myself feeling empty and lost. It's so hard to grasp all that's happened, but through and through God will be there. I have definitely come to terms with the fact that He is always on our side. It's hard to just drop everything and give it all up to Him (especially when raising a family), but He will take care of us.
You and the rest of your family are in my prayers. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more. My email is Sept18peanut@sbcglobal.net.
Love and prayers always,
Alex Accornero from CA :)
It's awesome to see the encouragement you are getting. I so wish I had the right words to say, but needless to say, I usually always say the wrong words, or more typically no words. I don't know which is worse. I do have faith that HE will pull you through, but don't understand why HE has picked you to go through all of this. Stand strong, lean on others, and feel free to cry ,that's okay. Let me know what I can do to help. Do you need anything for James' party? Food, help, etc, just let me know. Take care.
Hugs and prayers!
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