Choosing to blog to get my thoughts in order?

Might not be the best choice?  Maybe I won’t publish?

Kiahna has went from “horrific” to “very manageable” over the past week.  I give the credit to God & the prayers.  He gives wisdom when we ask.  He keeps me asking.

Took her off of one medication. Added some more vitamins/herbs. 

Medication we came off of was the steroid inhaler for her asthma.  Behaviors had declined after getting that back into our lives with the allergy season upon  us.  Her asthma symptoms (she has never had an attack) appear to be related to her allergies.

One of the vitamins we added to our lives was Gaba.  If you have a kid or yourself with behavior issues, anxiety issues.  Run, don’t walk, & get some Gaba.  Seriously.  I have never seen an immediate result in a herb/vitamin like it appears I am seeing with this.  Very inexpensive.  I ordered mine from this site.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  Kiahna woke up this morning & said to me, “Is today I am going to second grade?”  Poor kid!  No wonder she has anxiety!  Even when she’s been told over & over, she still doesn’t understand what’s going on sometimes.  The world she lives in is very confusing.  It’s hard for me to remember that.  I’d have anxiety too.

Zach is ending his junior year.  I am struggling to trust him.  I am struggling with anger at some teachers/coaches for their impatience with him.  I am struggling with fear.  I dread his senior year.  And I hate all those things in myself.

Quote from Zach last night “In one year I will be in college and you won’t have to worry about me any more”….   oh Zach you have no idea/

My biggest concerns right now for him are his self esteem.  Self worth.  God being allowed to work in his life as we go through the hard days ahead.

Hard in ways like, the 3 game suspension he has hanging over his head for the football season that is up & coming.  The football season that meant everything to him.  Hard in a way that I am not sure that even after the suspension is over that the coach will allow him to play.

Hard in ways like the fact that I am very involved with the mother’s portion of the team.  Very, very, very difficult for me to watch my son be treated a certain way for discipline I don’t agree with & pour my heart & time into working on.

We both have some tough days ahead.  Consequences are hard.  But even harder if they are consequences you are facing for someone else's decisions.  HARD!

Lucas had his 14th birthday last Friday.  He is growing up in his quiet way in a house full of a lot of “stuff”.

James is home for most of the summer & working hard.

Everyone else seems stable at the moment.

Working hard on my business.  God is blessing it.  I am loving it. 

DEEP BREATH.

Summer break will be good.  Right. Right?  Right.

Pam

A Mother’s Day post

I’ve been absent again… too much to do to take the time to sit down to write about it all again…

It’s Mother’s Day.  It’s been good.  I ordered a gift for my mom early…

It was a gallery wrap of all of us on the beach this spring break…

She’s easy to buy for, pictures of her family are her love… she is everything that anyone could want in a mom.  Devoting all her life to her family.  We are blessed indeed.

Mother’s Day as a single mom is something that I have tried very hard over the years to not lose my focus.  I keep my expectations low… & then I get some surprises.  Leah got up and made breakfast… all the boys remembered to at least say “Happy Mother’s Day” so that was good.

Its good.  I don’t need things.  I don’t need attention.  I don’t love the day.  I have learned not to let myself get worked up with unmet expectations.  It’s a trap. It’s from hell.  It’s not where I am going to let myself go.

Yet, I found myself in the midst of the day, dealing with my daughter & her emotions.  Her tantrums that have been on the rise.  Her anger.  I found myself weeping.  Unable to stop.  Unable to let the disappointment go.  Not necessarily because of the day, but perhaps that why it was harder.  I was working so hard to keep myself under control & not give in to those unmet expectations.

Kiahna’s behaviors have grown worse.  I have been working with medications yet again to try to help her level out.  I thought I had it figured out.  Today when she ran from me in church and hit me & told me how much she hated me.  It was sheer disappointment that ran through me.  I thought I had figured out what was going to help my baby girl. 

I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s going to help her.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know how long I can keep parenting her with these fits of anger.  I just don’t know.

I know the ONE who does know.  He seems a little quiet & slow to my human mind on this one. 

I am trying to wrap my head around parenting a child who is showing more & more autism signs.  Keep her sensory needs met, especially when she refuses the treatment, which is virtually impossible unless I just let her run & chase after her… which works here at home, but not so much in church in heels & with people watching.  UHG

She’s a gorgeous girl.  We recently got her hair relaxed.  She looks so much older.  If only there was a way to do that same thing to her heart & mind.  Relax.

 

 

Prayers are needed…. Thanks so much.

Pam

Zach’s Junior Prom

Tonight was Zach’s first prom!

 

 

 

 

 

His date is just a friend, although he would like her to be more & they dated awhile last year…

Hope all is going well!

Promenade:

 

 

Good night all night promers… this mama needs her rest to deal with life!

Pam

True Story

I enjoy going to a zumba class a couple of mornings a week. 

My routine is (I love routine) to drop my kids off at school & head to the gym for a work out. (workouts have helped my stress level sooo much)

The zumba class doesn’t start until 9:45.  Running home for an hour then going back in isn’t always the best use of time or gas money.

I’ve went to the one restaurant in town that’s open for breakfast, taken my laptop & decided to work there during the time I am waiting for my class to start.

This restaurant is good because it’s pretty dark, quiet, not very busy so I don’t feel like I am in the way sitting there for over an hour not giving them much business.

I do normally eat some eggs, which  may be just the amount of money it would have taken to drive home & back… but it’s a time saver right.

Another thing about this restaurant is that the wi-fi does not work, the phone reception is horrible… so while those things are not real convenient, they do help me stay focused on my editing & the distractions are a minimum.

Today I was sitting there editing & multi-tasking with my phone.  Updating some of the names, my new phone puts them the opposite of the old phone so I have to move everyone’s names around, kinda confusing, but that’s what I was doing while I waited for my photo-shop program to do it’s magic.

A older couple came in & sat down at a table about 2 away from me.  I was minding my business getting much accomplished.  I heard the man talking & pretty soon I realized he was talking, very loudly, about me.

Discussing my use of my phone & then how I was going back & forth between my phone & my computer.  Using sarcastic phrases about how desperate I was to remain “plugged in” & how much of a panic I would be in if I couldn’t get connection.

“Look” he said to his wife, “now she’s on her computer.  I bet they have wi-fi here, a place like this would”

I go back to my phone.

“There she goes back on her phone again”

I sat there & my heart started to race & I looked over at him while he made sure he didn’t look at me.

I wanted so say, buddy, do  you know what I am doing over here?  Do you know I am working?  I can’t get internet or phone service?  I am here saving money on gas & trying to run my business. Would you like to see?

I can’t say I have ever felt so falsely judged.

He went on to complain about other things, loudly, while his poor wife sat there enduring.

All, I can think about it how quickly we judge by appearance.  How much we jump to conclusions.  Believe everything we hear.  Spread around false information about situations.

If you happen to hear any stories about my family flying around… think about this story before you believe everything that’s going around.  The facts are not the same as the rumors.

True Story.

Pam

Photo op

Zach, myself & Leah backstage before the musical, KRAZY KAMP!

Pam

Lots of excitement!

Exciting times in this small community!

Last Monday our basketball team (who I have been photographing all season, along with my 2nd son)

WON SECTIONAL!

Perspective.

We have one of the best teams in the state in our sectional.  Bishop Luers.

Private schools create teams that are designed to win ball games.  Public schools often lose out, using only the kids born & raised in the district.

My opinion.

This is only the 2nd sectional win AC has won since division basketball began.

We also won the ACAC conference team championship.  Going 7-0 in the conference.  When you rank among the smallest school in the conference.  Let’s just guess when the last time that happened?

THIRTY-THREE YEARS AGO!

Another night of celebration!

No team from our school has ever won a Regional game.  Has ever won 20 games. 

Today that could change!

Today we travel to regionals & we play 2 games if we win the first!!

Really exciting!

Check out AC Basketball Facebook Page to follow the team or learn more!

Not only is this a good basketball team, they are almost too good to be true people involved!  Absolutely incredible attitudes.  Fun, nice, good kids.  Excellent program.

I really saw that a few weeks ago when my son was suspended (from a game) for missing the community service project they went on.  Zach’s attitude has been a thorn in their side all year (and last year).  It just won’t be tolerated.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to pull himself together & be what he needs to be.  So, he has sat the bench on JV much of the year, when in reality is is good enough to be on the Varsity bench.

As I thought about that, I realized that they were putting my son as a person ahead of winning games.  They were doing what they as a coaching staff could do to teach my son that living with that attitude will not give you success.  It will not be tolerated. 

I have been under the basket this season for every game.  I will say that I have seen a ton of attitude on the courts.  Much of it coming from teams that wear “Christian” on their chests.  The reality of the rarity of a program that will not tolerate attitude to poison their program hit me.

Too bad it has to be when I see my own son be the one to go through it.

But, we are on a journey.  He’s gonna learn.  Perhaps later rather than sooner.  But, we will be there through it all.

See him standing behind the bench in the black shirt… the one with the mohawk…

So, today we travel… Excited.  Zach will go as a fan, on the fan bus (praying he stays out of trouble).  James & Brookelyn are home.  James, Brooke, Leah, Dad, Ben & Myself are all traveling out together to watch the Jets! 

First game at 1:00 & second won’t start til close to 8:30.  Then travel almost 3 hours home… With the time change… GONNA BE A LATE ONE!

PLUS…

It’s musical week!  KRAZY KAMP

Zach has a lead… he’s a “junk food junkie”

Leah’s in the chorus… I have very few pictures of her, because she’s always in the back!  WHY are your eyes closed girlly!!! 

Perspective:  3 of the 5 starters on the basketball team are in the musical!

Last performance, that was supposed to be tonight is moved to Sunday at 4.

Can we just say exhausting weekend.  But, oh so much fun.

By Monday we may need a 2 hour delay in the worst of ways!!

Good luck to all this weekend!

AND

go jets!!!

Pam

Class Project

Leah had to do this project for a class.  This photo is half her & half me… kinda weird!! 

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

Fishing photo

Last summer my dad took this photo with his phone when he took Jadon fishing.  He sent it in to the FW Journal, it was published yesterday!

Pam

Because I have a lot of photos & not a lot of time…

Trying something new, posting a photo, maybe once a day… to keep the blog going & because writing long posts isn’t always necessary or convenient…

Kiahna standing next to the hurdles James leaps in college track…

CRAZY!!

James is running at Christian Indoor Nationals this weekend…

Kiahna’s behaviors have been on the down hill, up hill, roller coaster this week again…

Pam