In between the blog posts

So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.

Like last night.  Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me.  It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point.  It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.

My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard.  I am considering screaming.  Praying for peace.  Unsure of what to think.  Knowing it isn’t my choice.  Hating that feeling.

Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg.  No seizure activity the doctor says.  We can try a new med.  You can see this doctor next.  I can pound my head against a wall.  I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends.  I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her.  I can cry.  I can become extremely afraid.  I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation.  I can pray.  I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction.  I can pray again.

Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…

Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children.  Fighting against it.

Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad.  Wondering what the best is.  Wanting to ring his neck.  Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again.  Thankful for the little child support checks.

Needing to do a medication change for Jadon.  Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early. 

Clean up some puke.

Order some new flooring.

Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.

Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.

Hope.

Pray.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

Cry.

Fear.

Rest.

Overwhelm.

Grace.

Strength.

Endurance.

Life.

Death.

Peace.

Storms.

This is the stuff.

Pam

I ache for you son…

“Once they hand me that diploma & I walk out of that school everything will be okay in my life” 

“The problem is them.  They all hate me.  They all want to ruin my life.  They are out to get me”

My heart aches to see you find healing, son…

My head spins with all the things I want you to know & understand about life…

You won’t find happiness in the next stage in life if you don’t find it here.  It isn’t going to come from getting your diploma.  It isn’t going to come from a girl.  A college.  A wedding.  A baby.  A job.  A move.

It’s only going to come from within your heart, when you choose to let Jesus Christ come in & heal the broken hurting places.  When you choose joy in the midst of the world that hurts.  When you put others before yourself.

Without it you will only go through life hurting & hurting others.

“I don’t believe you”

I know.  I’ve lived.  I’ve watched.  I’ve hurt.  I’ve been hurt.

Just say the words “I am angry at my dad for what he did to me, I am angry that he isn’t here for me now.  I am angry that I don’t have his support in my life”… say the words out loud…

“I have said the words.  There is this one teacher who likes me & I have talked to her every day last week”

“I just need to talk to this one girl again, she will listen to me”

Am I not listening to you son?  Because I have an opinion about what you are saying I am not listening?  Are you going to go to someone who will tell you that everything you say is right & everyone around you is wrong?  Are you just looking for people to agree with you?  Other angry people will.

This has been a hard road.  Everything that has happened has changed all of us forever.  We will be dealing with the things that this has done to us for the rest of our lives.  I believe that.  There is forgiveness to give & bitterness to fight every day because the betrayal continues.

I watch my son get lost in it all… I ache.

Prayers change as children grow up & the control we once had, or felt like we had… the voice that we had that they could hear that they no longer can hear… My prayer for my grown(ing) up sons… I am so glad YOU are their FATHER… YOU got this right?  I can rest?  YOU know what to do… I believe You…

Aching for my son.

Pam

Pondering…

Thinking about how quickly life can change…

My neighbors & friends found out last night that their unborn baby is no longer living… just 2 weeks before delivery.

They called & asked me to come & photograph.

As I write this, I am waiting to be called up to the hospital.  They started labor, but things are progressing very slow.

One of the brother’s made a comment about “praying for a miracle today”.

Got my mind rolling.

I wonder if we miss the miracle sometimes.  Do we miss it because we are so focused on what we want the miracle to look like that we can’t see the actual miracle?

I think we do.

I know I have.

Because the miracle that comes from having God so near during times that feel like they are going to crush you with pain, that instead of being destroyed you feel peace… it’s hard to swallow sometimes.  We don’t want that to be our miracle.  We want the miracle of life restored.  We don’t want life to hurt so much.  We don’t want babies to die, husbands to leave, people to hurt us…

But.  If we never get the chance to experience God’s peace that passes all understanding in the midst of searing pain that we know should be killing us with it’s very intensity… how will we ever know God’s power in our lives.  We won’t.  We would have any need for it.

It’s in doing the impossible things in our lives that we can know He is a God of impossibilities…

As much as it hurts.

May we walk through this life, in awe of God’s power in the events that we feel are impossible. Giving Him glory & honor & praise for all things.  Good & bad.

Pray for Trevor & Rachel. 

Peace.  Grace.  Love.  Hope.  Restoration.

Pray God provides amazing memories of this child for them through the lens of my camera… I’ve never done anything like this before.

Pam

Where we are with Kiahna today

The issues that Kiahna lives with put us all over the map.  We have good days & horrific days.  We have okay days & days that make you think we will never live this way for the long haul.

Recently, things have improved drastically.

We began seeing a new neurologist.

We began Occupational Therapy.

We began services with an agency that is new to our area Meridian. 

We stopped some medications & began some others.

Today we are in a place where we are living semi-normal lives.  She is stable enough to go places without melt downs.  As long as I stay aware of her sensory needs & don’t let her become over stimulated or worn out.

She has been able to handle the Christmas season with ease.  The transition to home from school for break.  She was invited to play at a friend’s house & dealt with that with ease.

Praise the Lord!

The new neurologist ordered some testing that we had never had done before.  

The first was a sleep deprived EEG

Thankful for the help that my parent’s gave me preparing for this test.  We were to keep her awake most of the night & then drive her to FW for the testing at 8 am.  They kept her awake so I could sleep & then drive her in to the tests.

After this test we attempted an MRI.  She didn’t cooperate with that.  It’s a scary test!  We had to reschedule that one with sedation, we had to wait for that to be approved by insurance & that is coming up next week.

We just received the results of the sleep deprived EEG & they were abnormal enough that the doctor has ordered more testing.  This testing will require 24 hour admission to the hospital & the EEG will be recorded all during that time. 

The tests will confirm if she has Epilepsy.  She has not had any obvious seizures.  But, the testing was still abnormal enough it can’t be ruled out.  If she has the same issues while she is awake that she has when she is asleep, they will diagnose her Epileptic.

Add it to the list of labels.

When we began the latest medication round we had a great 2 weeks & then the behaviors began again, we increased them & have been on the level for a few weeks again… it’s a day by day thing.  Waiting for the medication to stop working.

Continued prayer is vital.

Pam

oh my, now I know why that got me so worked up…

Cleaning out drawers in the bathroom & it came to me… why I so worked up again???

This morning on WBCL they were interviewing, author, counselor and “co-parent” Tammy Daughtry

“What if your child’s ‘life-after-divorce’ could be better than you hoped for? As the post-divorce dust settles, your child’s chances of leading a healthy, successful life are directly linked to how you and your former spouse relate.”  --WBCL’s website

Co-Parenting Works! is the name of her book.

SO MY CHILDREN’S CHANCES OF LEADING A HEALTHY SUCCESSFUL LIFE ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW MY FORMER SPOUSE & I RELATE!!!!!

REALLY!!??!!!

Well… if that’s where our only hope lies, we are hopeless.

At least I know why I got so upset.

THANKFUL THAT MY CHILDREN’S HOPE LIES IN THE LORD JESUS AND NOT IN THE HANDS OF MYSELF OR MY EX-SPOUSE OR OUR ABILITY TO GET ALONG ON ANY LEVEL!!!

(read post that came right before this one for more insight to whatever I am talking about here!)

Pam

My thoughts on divorce… 6 years after I got one.

It’s gotten easier.  My heart no longer races with the thought of him being in the near area… My palms don’t sweat & I don’t panic with what I will say or how I will say it.

Of course that all probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that we see him so rarely.

When we do see him these days, I feel… resentment.  hatred.  bitterness.  anger. unbelievable thoughts of how much a person can change for the worse & believe they are better, self righteousness of how much better a person & parent I am than he is.

I struggle.

Struggle to feel the things I believe are “right” to feel.  The things that I believe God would want me to feel. 

!!NEWS FLASH!!

If satan hasn’t succeeded in using a circumstance to make you bitter for six years, he will not give up.  He will continue to try to use that circumstance to make you bitter.  To make you turn on God. To lie to you and say that God has not been faithful to you.

I hate that news.

I have plenty of reasons to hate this circumstance & this person.  Plenty of reason for bitterness.  For anger.  For resentment. For self-righteousness.

I could list them.

Oh, how I want to list them.

To make you hate him like I do when I dwell on these “facts”.

Uhhhhhh….

--------------------------------------

I need a minute…

Or two…

I need to take everyone of these thoughts & feelings & fears & angers & frustrations & proud thoughts… & throw them away.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  --Matthew 5:43-48

I wish there was a way to stop the thoughts from coming.  To not feel what I do when he comes around or when my kids talk about him or ask about him.  I wish.  But, it’s not possible to not feel.  It’s what you do with the feelings.  It’s where you let them take you.  The road to bitterness & hatred is well traveled & very easy to begin down.

The road to peace & healing is harder to see.  I’ve only found it in the Word of God.  It’s so easy to get distracted off of.  So easy.

Dear God, help me.  I give you every one of these hurts in my heart.  The disappointments.  The fears.  The anger.  The injustice.  The pride.  The human thoughts that make me see such a small picture & the lies that say this is all so unfair.  I give you every one.  I believe You are still a God that heals.  A God that brings beauty out of ashes.  Over & over again.  You have never left or forsaken us.  You won’t now.  You won’t let the evil win.  You have a plan for each of our lives.  My children will not be destroyed because of their dad’s sin.  Or their mom’s.  It’s by Your grace we are not consumed by this… It’s by Your grace that each of us have not been destroyed.  It’s by Your grace & mercy that good will come out of this.  I never imagined or dreamed of such a hard & hurtful road for my family.  It’s so easy to look around & feel like it’s so unfair.  It’s so easy to look at what Jim does each day of his life & feel so very very very angry & hateful.  So easy.  Dear God, I don’t want to live in a place where I hate anyone.  I don’t want to live in a place where I feel resentment over what anyone else has that I don’t.  I don’t want to be proud or self-righteous… I just want You.  I just want to do what You want.  What You’ve called me to.  I don’t want to miss it, because I was chasing down anger & bitterness…  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Pam

What’s up…

I was a pretty pathetic blogger in 2011… both here & on my business blog… It’s my hope to catch up my business blog over the next few months before work gets out of control busy again… & I hope to spend some time writing on this blog again too over the coming months.

I miss the days when I didn’t have my own business to run that keeps me from writing.  I miss writing.  I need to get that book published I guess so that I don’t have to work so hard! 

I love my business, I just struggle to keep a balance.  To say no to jobs that I know are going to put me over the edge of my schedule.  I think about 2012, about Zach becoming a senior, about the amount of time I want to spend working on the football mother’s club vs the amount of time I spend working for myself vs the care & time I need to spend parenting my children.

Today, I sit reflecting.  Wishing I had a husband to sit & reflect with.  Wishing I had a husband as an ally as I muddle through parenting.

2011 wasn’t a bad year for us, it was a challenge… as they all are.  There is so much joy when I think of James’ baptism.  Of Kiahna’s good days.  Of Leah’s happy heart.  Of Jadon’s excellent mind.  Of Zach’s football accomplishments.  Of Lucas’ quiet spirit.

They tend to be pushed to the side when I think of the struggling days Kiahna has had in school & I wonder how long the medication will last this time.  I think of the pain that is caused each day in my kids with their dad’s life choices.  I watch my daughter gain weight & over eat & I feel like I have no way of helping her.  I watch my son deal with so much anger it looks like it could take over his life at any moment & cause him to do something he will regret for a lifetime.

Then I remember how much God has been with us through all of this journey into singleness & loss of dad… how He has done exceeding abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined in James’ life… how He provides exceeding abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine in our finances… how not a day has gone by that He has left us on our own in this journey.  Not a second.

As my mind wavers back & forth between worry & trust… I strive to stay on the “trust” side better than I did last year.  That’s why I have chosen it as my One Word for 2012.  It’s going to be a challenge each day… I know this for sure. 

Have to go, my daughter is in need of some of my time in therapy… that’s another blog post…

Pam

One Word 2012

As each new year comes around, it brings all types of challenges from all directions to bring change & challenge for the upcoming year… this one caught my eye…

One Word 365

Asking God what one word He wants to use in your life in 2012.  No lists of items that need to be changed.  No goals that won’t be met any more this year than they were last year.  No set up for failure.  None of that.

Just one word.

I ignored the first few people I saw who were joining this adventure.  Figured it wasn’t something I was going to take part in.  Then I couldn’t do it any more, it was on my mind to choose a word, pray for a word, I needed a word.

Trust.

Trust because I am tired of  panicking over the issues that come my way. 

Trust because it’s time for me to believe that God is never going to let go of me.

Trust because the road is hard & full of pot holes & I am sick of worrying.

The other day we were in a therapy session, me, Jadon, Kiahna & our newest therapist (who happens to come to our house) Tricia.  Tricia had a game for us to play.  It involved each of us getting a pack of skittles & pouring some out in front of us & then having to answer a question for each skittle we get to eat… clever girl this Tricia.

The session was mostly focused on Jadon, helping him process his latest visit with his “dad”.  The question for the red skittles was to say something you were “worried” about for each red skittle you had poured out in front of you.

Kiahna struggles to understand the meaning of the concept of “worry”… Jadon struggles to admit what has him “worried”… Tricia states that I could probably come up with something for each of our red skittles to be worried about.

True.

But, that is not the place I wish to live.  A place riddled in worry.  A place riddled in fear.  Because worry comes from fear.  And trusting in God is all that casts out fear.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”                                                       Psalms 143:8

I know this.

Yet, I still worry.

I still get caught up in fear.

There is more than enough in each day of our lives here on earth to keep each of us very busy every day focused on all the things that are going wrong, could potentially go wrong, & all the people that are going the wrong way in our minds that we just want to “help” get going the right direction.

This I know.

This I wish to be rid of in my life.

Trust.

My one Word for 2012

Pam

2011 Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas from our family to yours…

It’s been a good year.  God is so good, all the time.  We are blessed. So Blessed.

As I sit down to write, it’s hard to see the past year in any way besides blessed.  I know it’s been a hard year…. but it’s been such a blessing in the hard times & the good times… it’s hard, as I sit in my quiet house, with 2 kids asleep in front of our beautiful Christmas tree, sipping some tea, listening to some quiet Christmas music… how can I think about anything but how abundantly blessed we are…

So, I guess that’s where I will leave it… I could go into detail about the trials, explain the accomplishments & the defeats, the long & short of it is that we are celebrating Christmas as a family that has been given “exceeding abundantly more than we could ask or imagine”

Pam

A very quick update

Hello, I am so sad that I don’t get over here to write more often.  I am not lacking in things to write about, just time to write them.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Kiahna’s behavior continues to bring great concern & tribulation to our lives.  We are learning many things, and getting help, it’s just a painfully slow process that is filled with many bad experiences for her, me, her teachers, classmates…

I am leaning hard on God’s Word & His promises.  Praying for the grace to believe that He is ABLE to do exceeding abundantly more than I could even ask or imagine.  That I am ABLE to do this through Christ who gives me strength.  That HE is faithful & willing to give out HIS wisdom to all who ask…

Believing that.  Living that.  Walking that out.  In the face of many bad days & much discouraging behaviors.  Feeling like you find the solution only to then turn & feel that the rug is pulled out from under you because the behavior returns.

I am headed to conferences this morning.  There are 2 big meetings in the coming weeks as we once again try as a team to find the right help & resources to help Kiahna succeed at life.

Thank you for praying.

Pam