One hard day

There is no way to really “escape” from the pain that some days bring into our lives.  It’s our natural tendency to try to escape I think.  I hate pain.  I hate seeing others in pain.  Trying to avoid pain comes very naturally to us.

“Sometimes your healing comes through tears” –Laura Story

I have avoided father’s day for quite a few years… in the beginning I tried to help my kids reach out to their dad on father’s day… after a few years of no response or acknowledgement from him, it’s just become mute…

At what point do  you decide to celebrate what you DO have and not dwell on what you DON’T??  And how do you do that??

This year on father’s day, I was honestly wanting to plan a “get-a-way” with my 4 youngest kids, who were the only ones home.  But, I worked all day Saturday at a wedding & I was too exhausted to think of doing too much on Sunday.  So, we went to church.  And it was hard.  But, I am praying & choosing to think of what I have and not what my kids don’t.

Maybe that was the wrong plan?  Maybe we just needed to go through this to find some more healing?  It’s so hard to know the right thing to do.

After Sunday School, I saw Jadon, and I knew instantly something was wrong.  He had a paper card in his hands that said “I love you” in crayon across the front… his face spoke of the pain that he has bottled inside of his little 7 year old heart…

I sat there beside him trying to help him process it… tears streaming down my own face as I felt the helplessness of trying to heal a wound that I didn’t cause & I am helpless to take away…  People passing by us as they left church…

I wanted to just escape to the van, go home and deal with this out of the eyes of others… it took me awhile to convince him to move… he was so angry… full of disappointment… anger… frustration… fear… loss… his and mine…

He ripped the card he had made… rage pouring from his body…

We finally got to the van & got home… by the grace of God…

He ran in the house, slammed the door to his room…

I went in to be with him… telling him how much I understood… through tears…

He responded with screams of how much he wanted me to “shut up!”

Of course he does… none of us want to deal with the pain… running is the human response… hurting someone else with the hope of relieving some of your own pain is the human response…

Finally… in time… he broke… his own tears flowed… he let me comfort him… he gave in to the pain & let the healing wash over him…

I was able to point out the efforts of others, especially his grandpa, who do so much to stand in the shoes of “dad” in our lives…

And he got it.

Later he told Lucas “do you know that grandpa is our dad?”

Well, maybe not quite but for now that works for him.

I was careful to point out to Jadon that Jesus & God are really the only ones we can say without a doubt will NEVER leave us or Forsake us… they will always be there & never let us down… I can’t guarantee that from any person…

Healing is so hard… life is so hard… seeing your children suffer is so gut wrenching…

I am watching God really work in my children’s lives to bring healing recently… James is working at summer camps, conversations with him reveal that the Spirit is working mightily in his life… Leah came home from church camp speaking of all the things they learned… I see her as a sponge willingly hearing from the Lord… Zach’s heart is softer than it was a few months back… he’s responding to his grandpa so much better than he was before James left for college…

Wounds can take so long to heal… some people never do heal from tragedy like this… I pray that we can not run from the pain, but use all that has happened for the Glory and Honor of God… every one of us.

Pam

Run in Such a way

“’Do you not know that in a race all the runners run,

but only one gets the prize.?’”

Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Everyone who competes in the games

goes into strict training.

They do it to get a crown that will last forever.

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly;

I do not fight like a man beating the air.

No, I beat my body

and make it my slave

so that after I have preached to others,

I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Finals week at BC…

Two more track meets…

Home in 2 weeks & then back three after that to work in admissions…

Proud of my son & the race he is running… in life & on the track.

Pam

What to do?

Once again, I’ve neglected my blog… It’s definitely not for lack of things to talk about… I just lack the time to write I guess…

Then I become so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start or what to say… so the pattern repeats…

My days are full to the brim with kids activities… driving many miles with rising gas prices… yard work that overwhelms… appointments… tantrums… learning… ever learning…

I wonder if it’s time for my family to make a physical move?  Is it time for us to live closer to where we are constantly going?  There is no reprieve in sight from the hours it takes on the road to live the lives we live… nor the price of the gasoline to get us there.

Leaves, weeds, sticks, branches & grass that grows & falls uncontrollably… once a pleasure to tend to has now become a burden on my back… a task I enjoy, sitting taunting me because I don’t have the time to enjoy it.

A child with needs that seems to have needs that will grow in time, not lessen… issues that won’t be grown out of… damage that is done… that is going to take a team for many, many years… how can I do this all?

Older children… longing for my attention… hurting… struggling to grow up in a world full of choices to be made… how do I fill all the needs.  I can’t be everything for them… I can’t do all that I would like to do.  They make mistakes & I panic…

Would a physical move be the best?  But, what of the restrictions of smaller property?  Neighbors close by who may not understand that my children are not used to such restrictions?  More people around us is good or bad?

Fears to overcome.

Not just my own fears.  But the fears of those around me.

What is best?  Where do You want us?  How do I do this?  What am I doing that I shouldn’t be doing?  Why is there never enough time?  Why is there never enough energy?  Why is there never enough of me to go around?  Why am I not enough? 

Sinking in to my Lord & Savior… trying to grasp a little more each year who He is… Who He is to me… Who He is to my family… Who He wants to be that I don’t know how to let Him be… Who I am trying to be that I am not supposed to be…

Praying for God to show me what is mine to do & what is His… Each day.

Happy Easter!  He is Risen… oh that I could grasp what that means for me.

Pam

New Again

Someone told me about this song yesterday… It’s so incredible, I just had to share it with you here!

Fab Florida Fun

More photos from our week in Florida!

The very alive starfish I found one morning…

I was praying as I walked along & asked God if He had a gift for me & found this within a minute!  I was pretty shocked!  We brought it home, it’s no longer alive… my kids called me a starfish murderer…

My niece Livia & Leah

Kiahna trying cart wheels on the beach…

Livia doing cart wheels on the beach…

Zach talking to Rachel on the beach…

Boys being cool on the beach…

Zach picking on Lucas on the beach…

Adorable Eva on the beach…

Kids being crazy on the beach…

Pam

Spring Break 2011

We made it home Sunday afternoon from our wonderful, sunny, warm, beach vacation in Florida… it was totally perfect weather, almost too much sunshine, if there is such a thing!  I mean to the degree that we were all pretty roasted & many of us had a little sun poisoning to go along with it.

I honestly don’t know that I have ever been in Florida when it was so nice. 

We are back home to 22 degrees & a water heater that leaked all week in the basement now though…

I have a headache too & didn’t have one of those all week down there!!

I think we should go back.  It’s times like this that you really wonder WHY any of us live in the cold north??  I guess it’s home, and it’s where our family & friends are, so I guess unless we do a mass transition south all together, we will continue to call this home.

I have a lot of photos…

I know, you are shocked…

I’ll post a few a day here, to warm us all up!

This was the moon setting at 7 on the first morning we were at the condo… it was amazing…

Kiahna had a really, really good week… I couldn’t have asked for it to go any better with her…

Jadon & Kiahna & I flew down & drove back… from the flight… it went very well.  She was very nervous before we flew, I was a little worried she was going to have a tantrum on me, but she didn’t.

She took naps almost every day on the beach, I am not sure if she was feeling 100%, it was a little odd for her to nap like that, but she was happy… so I am  not going to try to figure it out!!  She needed her rest on vacation too!!

Love the lip sunscreen, don’t you!!

cousins…

Pam

We interrupt this blog for…

SPRING BREAK!!!!

Pam

It’s so hard…

This weekend James came home.  He came to watch his brother in the high school musical.  He brought his new girlfriend.  I have met her twice in the past, but didn’t spend very much time with her.

They were around all weekend, but I am left feeling like I didn’t get enough time… 

His friend Alex also came home with his girlfriend.  The guys are roommates & the girls are roommates… funny!

So, they were back and forth between our two houses.  There more than here.  Friday night when they came, Jadon & I went over there for awhile and spent some time.  Saturday James & Brooke were here for while during the day.

Then we all went for dinner at Alex’s family’s home.  Then to the musical.  Then they came to church today.  They were here this afternoon for awhile before they left at about 4:30.

We discovered that her mom went to school at Nor*well… she grew up in Craig*ville. (all just a county over from us)… her mom was good friends in hs with my neighbor, Julie!  Her grandpa went to our church when he was growing up.  Her great-great aunt still goes to our church (BN)  How weird!

They go away to college and meet people that make the world seem so small!! 

Brookelyn is a very sweet, quiet, nice girl… I have no issues with her at all… except I didn’t get enough time with them this weekend!!

It was wonderful to have my oldest home this weekend… Jadon loved being with them and began asking as soon as they left when we would get to see them again.

I am peaceful about where James is in his life… I just miss him.

Pam

Crazy week…

So, after thinking, praying & reading your comments on my last post, I felt like I needed to call Jim and make sure he knew about the musical.  I called tonight & he said he didn’t know anything about it.  I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am pretty sure he was lying about that, but anyway… I told him about it & he said he was going to come. 

So, Zach gets home… he says “I need to call dad about the musical”  I said, “yes, you do, I told you to do that a month ago”. 

Of course he doesn’t remember that I said that! 

GRRRR!!!!

Anyway, I did my part… micromanaged…. uhg, uhg, uhg.

Of course at this point there are no good seat available & they will have to sit on the sides…

WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE!!??!!

I told him he should tell his family… I doubt any of them will come.

I have no relationship with his mom.  She is actually much worse off than he even is, and the root of many of his issues.  His dad passed away many years ago of cancer.  It’s very difficult to explain without giving many gory details, but sometimes people are just not “safe” people to be in relationship with… does that make any sense?

Zach isn’t feeling well, he has a cold, at least I hope it’s only a cold.  There is construction going on at the school that has had his sinus’s clogged for a while.  He thought it was wax in his ear making so he couldn’t hear, I kept telling him I thought it was fluid.  He had the school nurse look at it today & she agrees with me.  So, he’s taking some allergy meds & hopefully will pull out of it quickly.

Kiahna is having good days at school!!!  SO HAPPY for that!!! 

Tonight she was working on her phone number, she’s been working on it for quite awhile, and she just doesn’t get it.  FAS can make learning incredibly difficult, sometimes I just don’t know if she will “get” things.  I decided to put the number to music & she got it!!!!  We sang it about 100 times tonight!  Tomorrow I hope I can remember the tune, I tried to make it simple & put it to Mary had a little lamb, but it didn’t flow, so I am not sure what song it is to the tune of! 

Yesterday I got my new washer & dryer… oh my!!!  As of now everything in the house is washed!!!  LOVE the larger loads!!!!!  MAYBE I won’t have to live with HUGE piles of laundry constantly laying on my laundry room floor!!!! 

I also got my new sump pump & back up sump pump… which isn’t nearly as exciting…but just about as costly…

The basement is slowly going back together, I am throwing lots of stuff away & giving lots away!

My water heater might be leaking & my brakes might be squeaking… but I am out of money so they both need to hold on for awhile!!

The next 3 nights we will be at the musical each night… I am taking both girls out of school tomorrow after lunch for Kiahna’s counseling and swim suit shopping for Leah…

DID I MENTION THAT WE LEAVE FOR FLORIDA IN A LITTLE OVER  WEEK!!!??!!!

Pam

I just don’t understand

Today I ran into my ex-husband’s 90 year old grandma at w-mart.  She’s amazing, living on her own & thinking about others… she’s a devout Christian who never misses a Sunday in church & also never misses sending any of her great-grandchildren a birthday card!

She also has a f-book account!  She saw on there that I had posted about Zach being in the musical.  She said that she had been thinking about calling me, because she would like to come to the musical! 

This is where I feel bad because I didn’t think to call her and ask her if she wanted tickets myself…

I mean what’s the etiquette here?  Is it my responsibility to contact my ex-husband and all of his family to let them know about all the of the kids activities? 

He takes no initiative to find out what’s going on with his kids.  He lurks on their f-book pages, so I know he KNOWS what’s going on.  Yet nothing.  Presale tickets for this musical are sold out for 2 of the 3 nights.  Unless he called the school and ordered tickets on his own, he doesn’t have tickets.

I mentioned to Zach about it, “did you ask your dad if he wants tickets?"  I didn’t get a response…

It’s all really quite difficult for me to swallow.  I want to do the right thing.  What exactly is the right thing?  Is he going to show up at the door and expect to have a decent seat?  Is he waiting for me or Zach to call and give him a call & invite him like a favored guest? 

URG!!! 

Bitterness is still after my soul… It is a patient foe that will take me anytime it can…

I went to dress rehearsal and took these shots last night..

Zach & Kurt are the two thieves… these are taken during their duet

Pam