One hard day

There is no way to really “escape” from the pain that some days bring into our lives.  It’s our natural tendency to try to escape I think.  I hate pain.  I hate seeing others in pain.  Trying to avoid pain comes very naturally to us.

“Sometimes your healing comes through tears” –Laura Story

I have avoided father’s day for quite a few years… in the beginning I tried to help my kids reach out to their dad on father’s day… after a few years of no response or acknowledgement from him, it’s just become mute…

At what point do  you decide to celebrate what you DO have and not dwell on what you DON’T??  And how do you do that??

This year on father’s day, I was honestly wanting to plan a “get-a-way” with my 4 youngest kids, who were the only ones home.  But, I worked all day Saturday at a wedding & I was too exhausted to think of doing too much on Sunday.  So, we went to church.  And it was hard.  But, I am praying & choosing to think of what I have and not what my kids don’t.

Maybe that was the wrong plan?  Maybe we just needed to go through this to find some more healing?  It’s so hard to know the right thing to do.

After Sunday School, I saw Jadon, and I knew instantly something was wrong.  He had a paper card in his hands that said “I love you” in crayon across the front… his face spoke of the pain that he has bottled inside of his little 7 year old heart…

I sat there beside him trying to help him process it… tears streaming down my own face as I felt the helplessness of trying to heal a wound that I didn’t cause & I am helpless to take away…  People passing by us as they left church…

I wanted to just escape to the van, go home and deal with this out of the eyes of others… it took me awhile to convince him to move… he was so angry… full of disappointment… anger… frustration… fear… loss… his and mine…

He ripped the card he had made… rage pouring from his body…

We finally got to the van & got home… by the grace of God…

He ran in the house, slammed the door to his room…

I went in to be with him… telling him how much I understood… through tears…

He responded with screams of how much he wanted me to “shut up!”

Of course he does… none of us want to deal with the pain… running is the human response… hurting someone else with the hope of relieving some of your own pain is the human response…

Finally… in time… he broke… his own tears flowed… he let me comfort him… he gave in to the pain & let the healing wash over him…

I was able to point out the efforts of others, especially his grandpa, who do so much to stand in the shoes of “dad” in our lives…

And he got it.

Later he told Lucas “do you know that grandpa is our dad?”

Well, maybe not quite but for now that works for him.

I was careful to point out to Jadon that Jesus & God are really the only ones we can say without a doubt will NEVER leave us or Forsake us… they will always be there & never let us down… I can’t guarantee that from any person…

Healing is so hard… life is so hard… seeing your children suffer is so gut wrenching…

I am watching God really work in my children’s lives to bring healing recently… James is working at summer camps, conversations with him reveal that the Spirit is working mightily in his life… Leah came home from church camp speaking of all the things they learned… I see her as a sponge willingly hearing from the Lord… Zach’s heart is softer than it was a few months back… he’s responding to his grandpa so much better than he was before James left for college…

Wounds can take so long to heal… some people never do heal from tragedy like this… I pray that we can not run from the pain, but use all that has happened for the Glory and Honor of God… every one of us.

Pam