One Word 2012

As each new year comes around, it brings all types of challenges from all directions to bring change & challenge for the upcoming year… this one caught my eye…

One Word 365

Asking God what one word He wants to use in your life in 2012.  No lists of items that need to be changed.  No goals that won’t be met any more this year than they were last year.  No set up for failure.  None of that.

Just one word.

I ignored the first few people I saw who were joining this adventure.  Figured it wasn’t something I was going to take part in.  Then I couldn’t do it any more, it was on my mind to choose a word, pray for a word, I needed a word.

Trust.

Trust because I am tired of  panicking over the issues that come my way. 

Trust because it’s time for me to believe that God is never going to let go of me.

Trust because the road is hard & full of pot holes & I am sick of worrying.

The other day we were in a therapy session, me, Jadon, Kiahna & our newest therapist (who happens to come to our house) Tricia.  Tricia had a game for us to play.  It involved each of us getting a pack of skittles & pouring some out in front of us & then having to answer a question for each skittle we get to eat… clever girl this Tricia.

The session was mostly focused on Jadon, helping him process his latest visit with his “dad”.  The question for the red skittles was to say something you were “worried” about for each red skittle you had poured out in front of you.

Kiahna struggles to understand the meaning of the concept of “worry”… Jadon struggles to admit what has him “worried”… Tricia states that I could probably come up with something for each of our red skittles to be worried about.

True.

But, that is not the place I wish to live.  A place riddled in worry.  A place riddled in fear.  Because worry comes from fear.  And trusting in God is all that casts out fear.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”                                                       Psalms 143:8

I know this.

Yet, I still worry.

I still get caught up in fear.

There is more than enough in each day of our lives here on earth to keep each of us very busy every day focused on all the things that are going wrong, could potentially go wrong, & all the people that are going the wrong way in our minds that we just want to “help” get going the right direction.

This I know.

This I wish to be rid of in my life.

Trust.

My one Word for 2012

Pam

2011 Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas from our family to yours…

It’s been a good year.  God is so good, all the time.  We are blessed. So Blessed.

As I sit down to write, it’s hard to see the past year in any way besides blessed.  I know it’s been a hard year…. but it’s been such a blessing in the hard times & the good times… it’s hard, as I sit in my quiet house, with 2 kids asleep in front of our beautiful Christmas tree, sipping some tea, listening to some quiet Christmas music… how can I think about anything but how abundantly blessed we are…

So, I guess that’s where I will leave it… I could go into detail about the trials, explain the accomplishments & the defeats, the long & short of it is that we are celebrating Christmas as a family that has been given “exceeding abundantly more than we could ask or imagine”

Pam

A very quick update

Hello, I am so sad that I don’t get over here to write more often.  I am not lacking in things to write about, just time to write them.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Kiahna’s behavior continues to bring great concern & tribulation to our lives.  We are learning many things, and getting help, it’s just a painfully slow process that is filled with many bad experiences for her, me, her teachers, classmates…

I am leaning hard on God’s Word & His promises.  Praying for the grace to believe that He is ABLE to do exceeding abundantly more than I could even ask or imagine.  That I am ABLE to do this through Christ who gives me strength.  That HE is faithful & willing to give out HIS wisdom to all who ask…

Believing that.  Living that.  Walking that out.  In the face of many bad days & much discouraging behaviors.  Feeling like you find the solution only to then turn & feel that the rug is pulled out from under you because the behavior returns.

I am headed to conferences this morning.  There are 2 big meetings in the coming weeks as we once again try as a team to find the right help & resources to help Kiahna succeed at life.

Thank you for praying.

Pam

When the meds stop working…

…and start working against you…

It happens very quickly with some meds & you know right away it’s not a good fit.

It happens very slowly with some meds & you don’t realize until you are living a nightmare that maybe it’s the meds.

Sunday.  A tantrum during Sunday school.  Can’t even send her into the classroom alone.  Don’t trust her behavior. 

Can’t handle drawing a smiley face on your baby Moses??

Something is seriously not okay with this.

I’ve had the little thought before that maybe it was the meds turning on us.

I finally took the plunge and didn’t give her the medication on Sunday night.

Monday was a different ball game.

I had a different child.

I don’t know whether to be angry or rejoice.

Rejoice.

There is nothing I can do about the past.

She takes the meds for her ADHD, so without the meds the ADHD, impulsiveness, sensory issues are all heightened… BUT AT LEAST SHE IS RATIONAL!!

We don’t have to live like we are walking on egg shells because she can’t deal with ANYTHING!!

I even took her to Lucas’ ball game tonight!  Her first game this year…  She did fabulous!

I guess the sun was a little bright for her!

THANK you so much for your prayers… life isn’t perfect, but it’s, like a bazzillion times better than it was just a few days ago… what a huge relief.

A few pix of my kids playing football now…

Lucas…

Zach…

Leah’s first homecoming powder puff game… with interception!!  check out that smile!

Their freshmen team… they were awesome, they would have won too, but the seniors cheated… so the seniors won.  (leah is the second from the left on the front row)

And Zach’s homecoming activity… Sledgehammer volleyball… they won best costumes…

Sometimes, it’s best you just don’t ask!

Pam

9th day of the 9th month

Today.

International FASD Awareness Day.

A day when I took my FAS daughter to school with an angry face. 

She doesn’t like the extra help she has to get in her class room. 

She can’t handle being told that she can’t play with a group of girls she chooses. 

She can’t take changes in her schedule.

She processes the world through a totally different grid than I do, and I struggle to relate.

She reacts with violent temper tantrums where she threatens to kill people, tries to bite, hit, scratch & flee.

All because of alcohol.

Alcohol does more damage to the developing baby than any other substance.

Alcohol use during pregnancy can cause brain damage, birth defects, premature birth, and death.

More babies are born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders than with Autism.

Most children with FASD have normal intelligence and normal appearance.  All will have brain damage resulting in learning disabilities and behavior problems.

Without appropriate intervention services, most of these children will have serious problems in life.  They may struggle with school, relationships, substance abuse, or trouble with the law.

Most will have some kind of mental health issues.

Half of all women who might become pregnant are drinking alcohol.

Half of all pregnancies are unplanned.

This is our reality.  This is what we are living with day by day.  This could have been prevented.  This is one of the largest problems in our world & it is one of the most unknown, unaccepted, untalked about issues.

People look at me as being a horrible parent because of her behavior.  They judge.  They have no clue.  Her appearance is normal.  Her behaviors are off the wall, appear often as controlling & manipulative.

Add the issues of being abandoned.

Add the issues of being abandoned.

Yeah, I said that twice.  It happened twice.

Help educate people…

TEXT TEN for FASD DAY

Send the text message below to everyone on your mobile phone!

SAVE A BABY'S LIFE!!!
http://babybornfree.com
Alcohol in pregnancy can cause brain damage, birth defects, prematurity, or death.
Pass it on.

Do it for Kiahna… and all the other Kiahna’s out there…  Do it for the people who are raising the Kiahnas.  Do it.

Pam

Honestly, To tell the truth…

Honestly, I feel like I am struggling on the brink of sanity most days.

To tell the truth I am so glad that school started & I get some time to myself almost every day.

Honestly, I feel bad for feeling that way… but my plate is too full & it’s more than one person should have to carry on their own, so when the school teachers get on board & help me carry it, I am more than glad to let them do so.

To tell the truth, Kiahna’s behaviors scare me to the inner core.

Honestly, I am so angry at Jim some days for what he has done to our children & the way he is living his life, I think I might explode.

To tell the truth, I am tired of forgiving that man for things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Honestly, I know I have no other choice.  Unforgiveness is not an option.  I know what it does to a person & I want no part of it.  It’s just so hard to keep doing it.

To tell the truth, I wonder if visits with their dad hurt them more than they help them?

Honestly, if he is going to come to their games, I don’t understand why he can’t stick around long enough for them to come off the field or out of the locker room to say, “hey, good job son”.

Truthfully… it makes me want to scream with rage when I think about him hurting my kids & how I have absolutely zero control over if he hurts them or not.

Honestly, I like to be in control.  I like to be able to protect my kids.  I like to see the right thing happen.  I like to see good win.  I like to see justice.

To tell the truth, the older I get the less I see of justice, truth, or good winning in this world.

Honestly, without Jesus… I would be so much worse off than I am today… which is hard to imagine, since I feel pretty messed up with Him most of the time.

To tell the truth, I am sooo excited to start a new Bible study up with 2 of my friends tomorrow. 

Honestly, I don’t know what it’s even going to be about… just get me in the Word & save me from myself and this crazy life I am leading.

To tell the truth, I think that raising teenagers might be right up there with the most difficult thing ever done by mankind.  It’s so hard not to panic & think you’ve failed most hours of most days… then you see little glimmers of hope… and you try to focus on those…

Honestly, I think it’s best not to get too focused on anything that teenagers do or say… because tomorrow they will have a different thought that will totally change what they said yesterday…

To tell the truth… I have learned more about special needs children so far than I ever dreamed I would learn in my lifetime.  I wonder if anyone ever goes out and wants to learn how to raise a special needs child before they have one?

Honestly, dealing with my daughters tantrums feels like it could be the death of us all.

To tell the truth, I get angry that life is so hard… I get angry that I am a single parent… I get angry that Kiahna’s behavior is so awful…. I get angry that Zach gets tickets for taking off too fast in a parking lot, that he has a bad attitude of the football field, that girls chase him mercilessly, or that there is a new girl each week that he is talking to, I get scared, I get hurt, I get lonely…

Pause.

These are the feelings, thoughts, emotions, circumstances, issues I deal with everyday…. battlefield of the mind… yeah, you could say so.

We need your prayers.  I have been a single parent for six years.  And guess what.  It’s still hard.  It still stinks.  It still hurts.  It still trying to destroy me & my children.  We still need your prayers and support.

God has been sooooo good to us.  This community has been amazing.  I have to keep fighting this war, I can never stop… please keep holding up my hands…  because I am exhausted.

Pam

Little Miss K is Seven Years old!

Celebrating Seven years with my youngest daughter! 

She had a good birthday, had a better week in school… looking forward to seeing her grow & blossom…

Striving to keep a positive attitude…

she loves her new scooter…

loves first grade & her teacher…

she seems to have settled down into her routine & the school is working with her behavior issues very nicely.

I am trying to not push her limits & over stimulate her, by taking her to ball games and setting her up to fail…

This week was better…

I am hopeful.

Here’s praying for a good year with lots of health & healing…

Pam

Pausing to write…

It’s busy around here… I know, you are shocked… I have to put the 1,000 things that are running through my mind & on my “to-do” list now that school is back in session, on hold to pause & write…

I am so blessed that people still read, follow & comment here… thanks.  Thanks for loving our family, for sticking through this with us, for supporting us with your prayers & kind words.  Its really amazing. 

James just left for his sophomore year at Bethel.  He was only home for the past week & the majority of his stuff was still at school.  Since he takes his own car, there was no need for me to go to help move in.  That’s kinda sad.  I would have enjoyed going along & being a part of moving them in again this year… but I have enough to do here at home I guess.  (haha)

I took him shopping last week for a few clothes for the new school year.  He’s a character let me tell ya.  Fun to be around & so embarrassing sometimes!  He bought these glasses at Pac-sun…

… I was so dying laughing… he walks into a department store & the clerk is trying to talk to him about what he’s looking for… I had to walk away… it was just too funny…  I asked him to walk on the other side of the mall & to please STOP calling me MOM!!  Of course you know what that did… oh my!!  Later he forgot to put them on after he had switched them out for his sun glasses while he was driving.  He was trying to convinced me to buy him something, & told me that I should get it for him since he had taken off the glasses for me… HA!  Yeah right, you forgot to put them back on!  He just laughed, cause he knew it was true.

It’s a little hard to see him go back to school… I admit.  It feels like he’s finally being a grown up & now he’s not around… but I know he’s where he needs to be & he’s very excited to be going back for another year… so all is well.  It will be neat to see his Spiritual growth this school year too.

I had to text his girlfriend, Brookelyn, to give her my sympathy for the glasses & the way he dresses… didn’t want her to think I CHOOSE these for him!!  (YOUR MAMA DRESSES YOU FUNNY!!)  His take on “style”… he to wear what is just coming in & then when everyone else is wearing it, he doesn’t want to wear it anymore… (get a good job hunny)

ZACH:  Well… Junior year has begun… football is in full swing… he’s been talking to a different girl about once a week all summer… his attitude goes from okay to boarder line most of the time… nothing to wonderful & nothing totally horrid either…

He could always use your continued prayers… safety on the football field… attitude… education… future… God bring Healing to my son… so much anger in this boy… thinks everyone is against him… so hard…

My moment is over… I will try to update on the rest of the family & myself soon…

Thanks for praying…

Pam

A few realizations while turning 39…

I turned 39 yesterday, for the first time, really! 

My day was spent pretty much like I spend most of my days, running kids around, editing photos, keeping busy…

I don’t normally get over 100 face book notices telling me happy birthday, those are so fun!  I also don’t normally go out to eat twice in one day or get my meal free either!  That was great too!

What I do realize is that I am okay with having a birthday, I am glad I had things to do… when I don’t have things to do, I get very… what’s the word I want?  Agitated? Bored? Self Pity? Depressed?

Whatever word I want to use for it, it’s  not a good word & it’s not a good feeling… I know there are issues that are in need of healing in my heart… much like I see  in my children many times…

If we just keep busy enough, maybe we won’t have to deal with the pain of it all?  Maybe not…

Turning to God in our pain & asking for His miraculous healing… what else do I have?  Oh, yeah I could just keep really, really busy and then I won’t have to think about it… probably not.

The truth is I really don’t like being a single mom.  I don’t like having an X husband.  I don’t like that my children hurt.  Teenagers are challenging.  Adopted kids are difficult.  FAS is horrific to live with.  My life is harder than I want it to be.  I fear not being good enough of a photographer to keep busy.  I fear failing.  I fear losing.  I fear… so many things…

There.  That’s the truth.  I feel better.

^“ Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  -- John 8:32

I know this applies to the truth of God’s word… I believe it also applies to the truth about your life… because if we believe a lie we can’t be free…

Praying for God to show me all the places that I am believing lies… and for freedom that can only be found in HIM…

Pam

39

I’ll have to change my profile next year to 40 something… crazy how time flies… I turn 39 today… I don’t feel 39, whatever 39 feels like… sounds old…  I hear you are only as old as you feel… so I don’t feel old, so… ya…

I  took a group of 14 year old girls to the drive-in movies last night!  (see I am young!!)    This is our second time this summer to go to a drive-in.  It’s different, its fun, its like going back in time… I enjoyed it…

We don’t have a drive-in movie place close here anymore… pretty glad about that… I wouldn’t really want my teenagers hanging out there like we did when we were in high school.  Can’t say drive-in’s had that same feeling to me when I was young… in fact, I just noticed something… did you know, they play movies at the drive in!

Today I will spend the day driving my kids around… I do love doing that if I am really honest… Good thing, since we live 15 minutes from anywhere.  Summer school, football camp, allergy appointments… Lunch with my mom & sisters will be tucked in there…

Getting really close to finishing the editing the third wedding I shot this summer… I love it, the editing can get grueling… but it’s worth it!  I have another wedding in August & then no more weddings booked… it’s a little scary… hoping for some more weddings this fall.

Senior sessions are filling up though, I do enjoy those too… hoping I don’t get too old to relate to these kids.

If you talked to my seventeen year old you would be pretty sure I was the most ancient, old-fashioned, unreasonable, horrible mom in the world… he is definitely doing nothing for my business with his friends… big picture, he’s a mess, needs to find some healing… & he’s seventeen, trying to grow up in a house without a dad & pushing me away like I am his worst nightmare… not the highlight of my life right now.

It’s very hard to continue to show love & support when kids act like he is acting.  Unfortunately, I have first hand experience with being a teen that acted much that way, so I do get it… & unfortunately, that brings fears up in my heart… But, I have a great example in my parents & how they handled me when I was going through a tough stage… they are so amazing.

So, spending lots of time working on football club stuff, part of the group that is in charge, designing tickets, updating names & addresses, updating newsletters, organizing the ticket sales, designing a t-shirt.  I enjoy it a lot… looking forward to football season. Two-a-days start next week.  I’ll have 2 boys playing.

Lucas’ first year playing.  He was excited when he went to camp this week and they put him in into James’ position he played… it will be fun to see him play for the 7th grade team.

I’ve rambled on long enough I guess… yes, it’s my birthday… life is pretty good & normal… whatever that is when you have 6 children & own your own business… & I do love it, exhausting as it is!

Pam