9th day of the 9th month

Today.

International FASD Awareness Day.

A day when I took my FAS daughter to school with an angry face. 

She doesn’t like the extra help she has to get in her class room. 

She can’t handle being told that she can’t play with a group of girls she chooses. 

She can’t take changes in her schedule.

She processes the world through a totally different grid than I do, and I struggle to relate.

She reacts with violent temper tantrums where she threatens to kill people, tries to bite, hit, scratch & flee.

All because of alcohol.

Alcohol does more damage to the developing baby than any other substance.

Alcohol use during pregnancy can cause brain damage, birth defects, premature birth, and death.

More babies are born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders than with Autism.

Most children with FASD have normal intelligence and normal appearance.  All will have brain damage resulting in learning disabilities and behavior problems.

Without appropriate intervention services, most of these children will have serious problems in life.  They may struggle with school, relationships, substance abuse, or trouble with the law.

Most will have some kind of mental health issues.

Half of all women who might become pregnant are drinking alcohol.

Half of all pregnancies are unplanned.

This is our reality.  This is what we are living with day by day.  This could have been prevented.  This is one of the largest problems in our world & it is one of the most unknown, unaccepted, untalked about issues.

People look at me as being a horrible parent because of her behavior.  They judge.  They have no clue.  Her appearance is normal.  Her behaviors are off the wall, appear often as controlling & manipulative.

Add the issues of being abandoned.

Add the issues of being abandoned.

Yeah, I said that twice.  It happened twice.

Help educate people…

TEXT TEN for FASD DAY

Send the text message below to everyone on your mobile phone!

SAVE A BABY'S LIFE!!!
http://babybornfree.com
Alcohol in pregnancy can cause brain damage, birth defects, prematurity, or death.
Pass it on.

Do it for Kiahna… and all the other Kiahna’s out there…  Do it for the people who are raising the Kiahnas.  Do it.

Pam

Honestly, To tell the truth…

Honestly, I feel like I am struggling on the brink of sanity most days.

To tell the truth I am so glad that school started & I get some time to myself almost every day.

Honestly, I feel bad for feeling that way… but my plate is too full & it’s more than one person should have to carry on their own, so when the school teachers get on board & help me carry it, I am more than glad to let them do so.

To tell the truth, Kiahna’s behaviors scare me to the inner core.

Honestly, I am so angry at Jim some days for what he has done to our children & the way he is living his life, I think I might explode.

To tell the truth, I am tired of forgiving that man for things over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Honestly, I know I have no other choice.  Unforgiveness is not an option.  I know what it does to a person & I want no part of it.  It’s just so hard to keep doing it.

To tell the truth, I wonder if visits with their dad hurt them more than they help them?

Honestly, if he is going to come to their games, I don’t understand why he can’t stick around long enough for them to come off the field or out of the locker room to say, “hey, good job son”.

Truthfully… it makes me want to scream with rage when I think about him hurting my kids & how I have absolutely zero control over if he hurts them or not.

Honestly, I like to be in control.  I like to be able to protect my kids.  I like to see the right thing happen.  I like to see good win.  I like to see justice.

To tell the truth, the older I get the less I see of justice, truth, or good winning in this world.

Honestly, without Jesus… I would be so much worse off than I am today… which is hard to imagine, since I feel pretty messed up with Him most of the time.

To tell the truth, I am sooo excited to start a new Bible study up with 2 of my friends tomorrow. 

Honestly, I don’t know what it’s even going to be about… just get me in the Word & save me from myself and this crazy life I am leading.

To tell the truth, I think that raising teenagers might be right up there with the most difficult thing ever done by mankind.  It’s so hard not to panic & think you’ve failed most hours of most days… then you see little glimmers of hope… and you try to focus on those…

Honestly, I think it’s best not to get too focused on anything that teenagers do or say… because tomorrow they will have a different thought that will totally change what they said yesterday…

To tell the truth… I have learned more about special needs children so far than I ever dreamed I would learn in my lifetime.  I wonder if anyone ever goes out and wants to learn how to raise a special needs child before they have one?

Honestly, dealing with my daughters tantrums feels like it could be the death of us all.

To tell the truth, I get angry that life is so hard… I get angry that I am a single parent… I get angry that Kiahna’s behavior is so awful…. I get angry that Zach gets tickets for taking off too fast in a parking lot, that he has a bad attitude of the football field, that girls chase him mercilessly, or that there is a new girl each week that he is talking to, I get scared, I get hurt, I get lonely…

Pause.

These are the feelings, thoughts, emotions, circumstances, issues I deal with everyday…. battlefield of the mind… yeah, you could say so.

We need your prayers.  I have been a single parent for six years.  And guess what.  It’s still hard.  It still stinks.  It still hurts.  It still trying to destroy me & my children.  We still need your prayers and support.

God has been sooooo good to us.  This community has been amazing.  I have to keep fighting this war, I can never stop… please keep holding up my hands…  because I am exhausted.

Pam

Little Miss K is Seven Years old!

Celebrating Seven years with my youngest daughter! 

She had a good birthday, had a better week in school… looking forward to seeing her grow & blossom…

Striving to keep a positive attitude…

she loves her new scooter…

loves first grade & her teacher…

she seems to have settled down into her routine & the school is working with her behavior issues very nicely.

I am trying to not push her limits & over stimulate her, by taking her to ball games and setting her up to fail…

This week was better…

I am hopeful.

Here’s praying for a good year with lots of health & healing…

Pam

Pausing to write…

It’s busy around here… I know, you are shocked… I have to put the 1,000 things that are running through my mind & on my “to-do” list now that school is back in session, on hold to pause & write…

I am so blessed that people still read, follow & comment here… thanks.  Thanks for loving our family, for sticking through this with us, for supporting us with your prayers & kind words.  Its really amazing. 

James just left for his sophomore year at Bethel.  He was only home for the past week & the majority of his stuff was still at school.  Since he takes his own car, there was no need for me to go to help move in.  That’s kinda sad.  I would have enjoyed going along & being a part of moving them in again this year… but I have enough to do here at home I guess.  (haha)

I took him shopping last week for a few clothes for the new school year.  He’s a character let me tell ya.  Fun to be around & so embarrassing sometimes!  He bought these glasses at Pac-sun…

… I was so dying laughing… he walks into a department store & the clerk is trying to talk to him about what he’s looking for… I had to walk away… it was just too funny…  I asked him to walk on the other side of the mall & to please STOP calling me MOM!!  Of course you know what that did… oh my!!  Later he forgot to put them on after he had switched them out for his sun glasses while he was driving.  He was trying to convinced me to buy him something, & told me that I should get it for him since he had taken off the glasses for me… HA!  Yeah right, you forgot to put them back on!  He just laughed, cause he knew it was true.

It’s a little hard to see him go back to school… I admit.  It feels like he’s finally being a grown up & now he’s not around… but I know he’s where he needs to be & he’s very excited to be going back for another year… so all is well.  It will be neat to see his Spiritual growth this school year too.

I had to text his girlfriend, Brookelyn, to give her my sympathy for the glasses & the way he dresses… didn’t want her to think I CHOOSE these for him!!  (YOUR MAMA DRESSES YOU FUNNY!!)  His take on “style”… he to wear what is just coming in & then when everyone else is wearing it, he doesn’t want to wear it anymore… (get a good job hunny)

ZACH:  Well… Junior year has begun… football is in full swing… he’s been talking to a different girl about once a week all summer… his attitude goes from okay to boarder line most of the time… nothing to wonderful & nothing totally horrid either…

He could always use your continued prayers… safety on the football field… attitude… education… future… God bring Healing to my son… so much anger in this boy… thinks everyone is against him… so hard…

My moment is over… I will try to update on the rest of the family & myself soon…

Thanks for praying…

Pam

A few realizations while turning 39…

I turned 39 yesterday, for the first time, really! 

My day was spent pretty much like I spend most of my days, running kids around, editing photos, keeping busy…

I don’t normally get over 100 face book notices telling me happy birthday, those are so fun!  I also don’t normally go out to eat twice in one day or get my meal free either!  That was great too!

What I do realize is that I am okay with having a birthday, I am glad I had things to do… when I don’t have things to do, I get very… what’s the word I want?  Agitated? Bored? Self Pity? Depressed?

Whatever word I want to use for it, it’s  not a good word & it’s not a good feeling… I know there are issues that are in need of healing in my heart… much like I see  in my children many times…

If we just keep busy enough, maybe we won’t have to deal with the pain of it all?  Maybe not…

Turning to God in our pain & asking for His miraculous healing… what else do I have?  Oh, yeah I could just keep really, really busy and then I won’t have to think about it… probably not.

The truth is I really don’t like being a single mom.  I don’t like having an X husband.  I don’t like that my children hurt.  Teenagers are challenging.  Adopted kids are difficult.  FAS is horrific to live with.  My life is harder than I want it to be.  I fear not being good enough of a photographer to keep busy.  I fear failing.  I fear losing.  I fear… so many things…

There.  That’s the truth.  I feel better.

^“ Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  -- John 8:32

I know this applies to the truth of God’s word… I believe it also applies to the truth about your life… because if we believe a lie we can’t be free…

Praying for God to show me all the places that I am believing lies… and for freedom that can only be found in HIM…

Pam

39

I’ll have to change my profile next year to 40 something… crazy how time flies… I turn 39 today… I don’t feel 39, whatever 39 feels like… sounds old…  I hear you are only as old as you feel… so I don’t feel old, so… ya…

I  took a group of 14 year old girls to the drive-in movies last night!  (see I am young!!)    This is our second time this summer to go to a drive-in.  It’s different, its fun, its like going back in time… I enjoyed it…

We don’t have a drive-in movie place close here anymore… pretty glad about that… I wouldn’t really want my teenagers hanging out there like we did when we were in high school.  Can’t say drive-in’s had that same feeling to me when I was young… in fact, I just noticed something… did you know, they play movies at the drive in!

Today I will spend the day driving my kids around… I do love doing that if I am really honest… Good thing, since we live 15 minutes from anywhere.  Summer school, football camp, allergy appointments… Lunch with my mom & sisters will be tucked in there…

Getting really close to finishing the editing the third wedding I shot this summer… I love it, the editing can get grueling… but it’s worth it!  I have another wedding in August & then no more weddings booked… it’s a little scary… hoping for some more weddings this fall.

Senior sessions are filling up though, I do enjoy those too… hoping I don’t get too old to relate to these kids.

If you talked to my seventeen year old you would be pretty sure I was the most ancient, old-fashioned, unreasonable, horrible mom in the world… he is definitely doing nothing for my business with his friends… big picture, he’s a mess, needs to find some healing… & he’s seventeen, trying to grow up in a house without a dad & pushing me away like I am his worst nightmare… not the highlight of my life right now.

It’s very hard to continue to show love & support when kids act like he is acting.  Unfortunately, I have first hand experience with being a teen that acted much that way, so I do get it… & unfortunately, that brings fears up in my heart… But, I have a great example in my parents & how they handled me when I was going through a tough stage… they are so amazing.

So, spending lots of time working on football club stuff, part of the group that is in charge, designing tickets, updating names & addresses, updating newsletters, organizing the ticket sales, designing a t-shirt.  I enjoy it a lot… looking forward to football season. Two-a-days start next week.  I’ll have 2 boys playing.

Lucas’ first year playing.  He was excited when he went to camp this week and they put him in into James’ position he played… it will be fun to see him play for the 7th grade team.

I’ve rambled on long enough I guess… yes, it’s my birthday… life is pretty good & normal… whatever that is when you have 6 children & own your own business… & I do love it, exhausting as it is!

Pam

A Baptism & a Mohawk…

I love my boys dearly…

There are moments where I couldn’t be more proud of the choices they are making & moments when I just want to go hide under a rock…

Had both of those this past week…

A few weeks ago, James called me & told me that he felt like he was ready & it was time for him to be baptized.  He said he wanted Grandpa to baptize him on his 20th birthday in the lake while we were on vacation.

For our family, that’s not exactly the way we normally have our baptisms.  We normally have them in a church… and in our church it has the dual meaning of becoming a member of our church at the same time you are baptized.

So, there were a few “in the box” thoughts that had to be swept away by a few of us.

One thing none of us really knew was what was happening in James life that was bringing him to this place?  Since he isn’t living at home this summer & contact had only been a few phone calls over the past month, it sure had my curiosity peaked as to what God was doing in James.

My dad traveled to BC to meet with James the week before vacation to find out what was happening in his life & hear his testimony.

Dad came back very excited about what God was doing in James’ heart, but didn’t share much, because he wanted James to be able to share it with us himself.

So, on Sunday night, after the littlest kids were put to bed.  James shared his story of what God had been up to the past few years with our family (my 3 sisters, their husbands, grandpa & grandma, & the older kids).  Some of the things were quite surprising to me… anger towards his dad & God being on the top of the surprise list.  He always appeared to have much more of ahold on his feelings than he expressed he did.

How God worked out for James to be at Bethel College & what a blessing that has been… its mind blowing.

The girl that James is dating, Brookelyn (Brooke), was there too.  She is a gem of a girl.  It was really nice to have her there for the first part of the week & get to know her better.  If she is the one that James marries one day, I will be very pleased with that! 

Then on Tuesday, his 20th birthday, James was baptized in the lake by his grandpa with all of us watching on the sides… it was an incredibly emotional, special, amazing experience for me as a mom…

James went back to BC for the rest of the summer, he is working at another camp this week & I am excited to see what God does next!!

(oh, & he decided not to get another tattoo!  THANKS TO BROOKE!!)

And… he shaved his brother’s head into a mohawk the next day…

This one looked cute with it…

This one, not so much…

uhg…

I admit, I was incredibly mad when he did it to Zach.

It was right before the baptism & I could so see satan’s attempt to steal away my joy… ugh… so mad…

I still think he looks really dumb with it, but he’s 17 & one day he will grow up, have children (and probably no hair at all!)  and I will bring out these photos & we will all have a really good laugh!! 

Uhg.

Pam

In need of a change…

My sweet daughter is so hard sometimes…

The disease that she lives with is so hard to figure out & so hard to medicate…

Her moods are all over the place without meds… and her meds help sometimes… other times they don’t… they wear off & life becomes incredible hard for her…

Hearing “no” is a tragedy in her mind… it puts her over the edge & she can’t pull herself back in on her own…

Extremely hard…

The adjustment to our summer schedule has been very challenging… she loved kindergarten & her teacher & her routine…

She’s even said, “I want my school back”…

It will be here soon enough… but in the mean-time we have to survive…

Going for a meds check tomorrow & probably will change something… please pray for us… vacation next week… that’s another thing that is just hard on her… which makes it hard on me… which isn’t vacation…

Pam

The perfect summer day…

I love a day that there is nothing scheduled…

Add to that perfect weather, not too hot or too cold…

Kids that are up for an adventure…

Perfect.

Yesterday,  just my 3 youngest kids were home.  We called a couple of their cousins to see if they were up for a big bike ride… they were!

We took off after lunch, water bottles & a few granola bars in our back packs, for the state park… It’s 7 miles to the entrance, then probably over a mile back to the camp ground with a play ground & a place to refill our water bottles…

All the kids made it!  We had grandma & my sister (who’s kids were with me) on call if had to have help…

But they were still smiling when we got there!

The older 2 boys had went off to explore the campground & find friends (who I knew were camping there)

Grandma came and picked up these younger three & then Lucas, Sam & I rode our bikes back home…

We were quite hurting by the time we got home…

We kept moving though…

As the evening went on, I decided to walk out to the side ditch & cut some of those weeds I was seeing on our trip for a bouquet!

Simple, FREE, flower arrangements available to anyone with a country road at their disposal!!

I watered my flowers around the house…

Then I turned the hose on my kiddos who were happily jumping on the trampoline…

Ate popsicles…

It was just a perfect day…

Pam

Beauty for Ashes… divorce for weddings…

A couple weeks ago, it was a Sunday evening… I had photographed a wedding all day, it had been a gorgeous day, with a stunning bride & a knock out location for the shoot… I was uploading my files from my camera to my lap top when it hit me…

I love photographing weddings…

The profoundness of that thought just blew me away… because after all the pain that marriage has caused me in my life… God is using weddings to bring me great joy… to provide for my family… and HE has brought healing into my life in this area in a way I would never, ever have dreamed was possible.

My mind was awash with the verses in Isaiah about beauty for ashes…

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,”  Isaiah 61:3

It struck me hard that God was really doing this in my life… it’s not just words… it’s real.

I have written in my Bible, from a counseling session in 2009, “God is doing verses 1 to 3 so that He can do verses 4-11… I’d have to agree two years later, I finally am seeing it…

“Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.”  verse 7

The hard days in the past six years (wow), have been overwhelming… and we still have hard days.   Jadon had a hard time on Sunday, dealing with Father’s day… the rest of the kids didn’t voice their pain or frustration, but I know at least one of them is doing an awful lot of “running” still.

Since Sunday though I have seen a change in Jadon.  I’ve seen a better attitude & better attachment to me.  The issue for Jadon & Kiahna is double force with the abandonment of their birth families & then the abandonment of their adopted dad.  We are in counseling, I am taking Jadon today to the counselor that has been helping me with Kiahna.

I say all that I guess to give a more accurate picture.  Are we “done” dealing with this issue?  No, but we are better, we are beginning to taste that “double portion”… we are beginning to have more days of joy, rather than the darkness & ashes.

I am incredibly excited & blessed by the path I am seeing James take these days.  God is doing a work there… It’s leaving me with my mouth hanging wide open at this point… wanting to pinch myself to see if this is real.  I’ll share more as I can, but wow.

I see Zach making more mature choices, I hope.  He’s in Wisconsin with the basketball team & some parents right now.  I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a little bit concerned he was going to so something stupid.  I haven’t had any phone calls… so I hope that’s good news.  He has a great heart, but he is very influenced by others… and he is my “runner”… how busy can he keep himself so he doesn’t have to deal with reality? 

If you don’t have links to my photography pages it’s time you got those!!

This is my photography blog

This is my photography website

This is my face book fan page

My heart’s desire is to glorify God in all of this, go take a peek at what HE has done… I am stunned.

Pam