A Baptism & a Mohawk…

I love my boys dearly…

There are moments where I couldn’t be more proud of the choices they are making & moments when I just want to go hide under a rock…

Had both of those this past week…

A few weeks ago, James called me & told me that he felt like he was ready & it was time for him to be baptized.  He said he wanted Grandpa to baptize him on his 20th birthday in the lake while we were on vacation.

For our family, that’s not exactly the way we normally have our baptisms.  We normally have them in a church… and in our church it has the dual meaning of becoming a member of our church at the same time you are baptized.

So, there were a few “in the box” thoughts that had to be swept away by a few of us.

One thing none of us really knew was what was happening in James life that was bringing him to this place?  Since he isn’t living at home this summer & contact had only been a few phone calls over the past month, it sure had my curiosity peaked as to what God was doing in James.

My dad traveled to BC to meet with James the week before vacation to find out what was happening in his life & hear his testimony.

Dad came back very excited about what God was doing in James’ heart, but didn’t share much, because he wanted James to be able to share it with us himself.

So, on Sunday night, after the littlest kids were put to bed.  James shared his story of what God had been up to the past few years with our family (my 3 sisters, their husbands, grandpa & grandma, & the older kids).  Some of the things were quite surprising to me… anger towards his dad & God being on the top of the surprise list.  He always appeared to have much more of ahold on his feelings than he expressed he did.

How God worked out for James to be at Bethel College & what a blessing that has been… its mind blowing.

The girl that James is dating, Brookelyn (Brooke), was there too.  She is a gem of a girl.  It was really nice to have her there for the first part of the week & get to know her better.  If she is the one that James marries one day, I will be very pleased with that! 

Then on Tuesday, his 20th birthday, James was baptized in the lake by his grandpa with all of us watching on the sides… it was an incredibly emotional, special, amazing experience for me as a mom…

James went back to BC for the rest of the summer, he is working at another camp this week & I am excited to see what God does next!!

(oh, & he decided not to get another tattoo!  THANKS TO BROOKE!!)

And… he shaved his brother’s head into a mohawk the next day…

This one looked cute with it…

This one, not so much…

uhg…

I admit, I was incredibly mad when he did it to Zach.

It was right before the baptism & I could so see satan’s attempt to steal away my joy… ugh… so mad…

I still think he looks really dumb with it, but he’s 17 & one day he will grow up, have children (and probably no hair at all!)  and I will bring out these photos & we will all have a really good laugh!! 

Uhg.

Pam

In need of a change…

My sweet daughter is so hard sometimes…

The disease that she lives with is so hard to figure out & so hard to medicate…

Her moods are all over the place without meds… and her meds help sometimes… other times they don’t… they wear off & life becomes incredible hard for her…

Hearing “no” is a tragedy in her mind… it puts her over the edge & she can’t pull herself back in on her own…

Extremely hard…

The adjustment to our summer schedule has been very challenging… she loved kindergarten & her teacher & her routine…

She’s even said, “I want my school back”…

It will be here soon enough… but in the mean-time we have to survive…

Going for a meds check tomorrow & probably will change something… please pray for us… vacation next week… that’s another thing that is just hard on her… which makes it hard on me… which isn’t vacation…

Pam

The perfect summer day…

I love a day that there is nothing scheduled…

Add to that perfect weather, not too hot or too cold…

Kids that are up for an adventure…

Perfect.

Yesterday,  just my 3 youngest kids were home.  We called a couple of their cousins to see if they were up for a big bike ride… they were!

We took off after lunch, water bottles & a few granola bars in our back packs, for the state park… It’s 7 miles to the entrance, then probably over a mile back to the camp ground with a play ground & a place to refill our water bottles…

All the kids made it!  We had grandma & my sister (who’s kids were with me) on call if had to have help…

But they were still smiling when we got there!

The older 2 boys had went off to explore the campground & find friends (who I knew were camping there)

Grandma came and picked up these younger three & then Lucas, Sam & I rode our bikes back home…

We were quite hurting by the time we got home…

We kept moving though…

As the evening went on, I decided to walk out to the side ditch & cut some of those weeds I was seeing on our trip for a bouquet!

Simple, FREE, flower arrangements available to anyone with a country road at their disposal!!

I watered my flowers around the house…

Then I turned the hose on my kiddos who were happily jumping on the trampoline…

Ate popsicles…

It was just a perfect day…

Pam

Beauty for Ashes… divorce for weddings…

A couple weeks ago, it was a Sunday evening… I had photographed a wedding all day, it had been a gorgeous day, with a stunning bride & a knock out location for the shoot… I was uploading my files from my camera to my lap top when it hit me…

I love photographing weddings…

The profoundness of that thought just blew me away… because after all the pain that marriage has caused me in my life… God is using weddings to bring me great joy… to provide for my family… and HE has brought healing into my life in this area in a way I would never, ever have dreamed was possible.

My mind was awash with the verses in Isaiah about beauty for ashes…

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,”  Isaiah 61:3

It struck me hard that God was really doing this in my life… it’s not just words… it’s real.

I have written in my Bible, from a counseling session in 2009, “God is doing verses 1 to 3 so that He can do verses 4-11… I’d have to agree two years later, I finally am seeing it…

“Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.”  verse 7

The hard days in the past six years (wow), have been overwhelming… and we still have hard days.   Jadon had a hard time on Sunday, dealing with Father’s day… the rest of the kids didn’t voice their pain or frustration, but I know at least one of them is doing an awful lot of “running” still.

Since Sunday though I have seen a change in Jadon.  I’ve seen a better attitude & better attachment to me.  The issue for Jadon & Kiahna is double force with the abandonment of their birth families & then the abandonment of their adopted dad.  We are in counseling, I am taking Jadon today to the counselor that has been helping me with Kiahna.

I say all that I guess to give a more accurate picture.  Are we “done” dealing with this issue?  No, but we are better, we are beginning to taste that “double portion”… we are beginning to have more days of joy, rather than the darkness & ashes.

I am incredibly excited & blessed by the path I am seeing James take these days.  God is doing a work there… It’s leaving me with my mouth hanging wide open at this point… wanting to pinch myself to see if this is real.  I’ll share more as I can, but wow.

I see Zach making more mature choices, I hope.  He’s in Wisconsin with the basketball team & some parents right now.  I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a little bit concerned he was going to so something stupid.  I haven’t had any phone calls… so I hope that’s good news.  He has a great heart, but he is very influenced by others… and he is my “runner”… how busy can he keep himself so he doesn’t have to deal with reality? 

If you don’t have links to my photography pages it’s time you got those!!

This is my photography blog

This is my photography website

This is my face book fan page

My heart’s desire is to glorify God in all of this, go take a peek at what HE has done… I am stunned.

Pam

A few photos of our summer so far…

I know, 2 posts in 2 days… don’t fall over from shock!!!

New camera…

Yes, he’s as ornery as he looks…

Lucas’ 13th birthday… during the 3 weeks James was home with us before he went back to college to work for the summer…

Crazy day during the last week of school…

Air soft wars for Lucas’ birthday…

Jadon playing minor league…

My grandma turned 102!

James talking to Grandma at her party…

Grandma and her 6 kids…

Our zoo trip with all my nieces & nephews *minus James

The girls at the zoo with grandpa…

They love the zoo at this age… sigh…

My beautiful girl…

When James was home his girlfriend Brooke came for a few days & they were so good with Jadon & Kiahna…

Playing tag…

Hide & seek…

He’s on base…

see why my kids miss him so much! LOL!!

Pam

One hard day

There is no way to really “escape” from the pain that some days bring into our lives.  It’s our natural tendency to try to escape I think.  I hate pain.  I hate seeing others in pain.  Trying to avoid pain comes very naturally to us.

“Sometimes your healing comes through tears” –Laura Story

I have avoided father’s day for quite a few years… in the beginning I tried to help my kids reach out to their dad on father’s day… after a few years of no response or acknowledgement from him, it’s just become mute…

At what point do  you decide to celebrate what you DO have and not dwell on what you DON’T??  And how do you do that??

This year on father’s day, I was honestly wanting to plan a “get-a-way” with my 4 youngest kids, who were the only ones home.  But, I worked all day Saturday at a wedding & I was too exhausted to think of doing too much on Sunday.  So, we went to church.  And it was hard.  But, I am praying & choosing to think of what I have and not what my kids don’t.

Maybe that was the wrong plan?  Maybe we just needed to go through this to find some more healing?  It’s so hard to know the right thing to do.

After Sunday School, I saw Jadon, and I knew instantly something was wrong.  He had a paper card in his hands that said “I love you” in crayon across the front… his face spoke of the pain that he has bottled inside of his little 7 year old heart…

I sat there beside him trying to help him process it… tears streaming down my own face as I felt the helplessness of trying to heal a wound that I didn’t cause & I am helpless to take away…  People passing by us as they left church…

I wanted to just escape to the van, go home and deal with this out of the eyes of others… it took me awhile to convince him to move… he was so angry… full of disappointment… anger… frustration… fear… loss… his and mine…

He ripped the card he had made… rage pouring from his body…

We finally got to the van & got home… by the grace of God…

He ran in the house, slammed the door to his room…

I went in to be with him… telling him how much I understood… through tears…

He responded with screams of how much he wanted me to “shut up!”

Of course he does… none of us want to deal with the pain… running is the human response… hurting someone else with the hope of relieving some of your own pain is the human response…

Finally… in time… he broke… his own tears flowed… he let me comfort him… he gave in to the pain & let the healing wash over him…

I was able to point out the efforts of others, especially his grandpa, who do so much to stand in the shoes of “dad” in our lives…

And he got it.

Later he told Lucas “do you know that grandpa is our dad?”

Well, maybe not quite but for now that works for him.

I was careful to point out to Jadon that Jesus & God are really the only ones we can say without a doubt will NEVER leave us or Forsake us… they will always be there & never let us down… I can’t guarantee that from any person…

Healing is so hard… life is so hard… seeing your children suffer is so gut wrenching…

I am watching God really work in my children’s lives to bring healing recently… James is working at summer camps, conversations with him reveal that the Spirit is working mightily in his life… Leah came home from church camp speaking of all the things they learned… I see her as a sponge willingly hearing from the Lord… Zach’s heart is softer than it was a few months back… he’s responding to his grandpa so much better than he was before James left for college…

Wounds can take so long to heal… some people never do heal from tragedy like this… I pray that we can not run from the pain, but use all that has happened for the Glory and Honor of God… every one of us.

Pam