Why Me?

Why?  Why?  Why?  WHY?  What did I ever do to deserve this?  Why did You let this happen to me God?  Why did You let this happen to my children?  I just don’t understand.  I don’t understand You.  I don’t understand Your ways.  None of it makes any sense to me.

We could have lost everything after HSSH left.  But, instead YOU have given us so much.  We could have no food.  You feed us.  We could have no home.  You’ve given us a beautiful home.  We could be all alone and lonely.  You have filled our lives with friends, family, and COMPUTER BUDDIES!! 

Why would You bless us so much?  Why do You love us so much?  What have we ever done that was worthy of what You give us? 

Why me?

“He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.”  --Isaiah 40:11

Pam

Starbucks… Starbucks?? STARBUCKS!!!

Sad news, our local Starbucks is closing their doors.  One of the 600.  This cartoon was in the paper…

 

YET ANOTHER ENERGY CRISIS

It was so beautiful and not much more than a year old, I believe.  Not that I got to escape there very often, but there were a few times.  Just the smell makes me relax!

Thankful we have a local shop that is very nice and new too!  But, it doesn’t have those late hours like Starbucks did.

Pam

 

Kiahna yodels like her sister…

Kiahna’s yodeling debut!  Wanting to be just like her Big Sister Leah

An opportunity

Tonight was the last night of our Beth Moore Bible Study Stepping Up.  We were told ahead of time that we would be given the opportunity to share what God has done for us this summer at the end of the evening.

Progress for me is that I have come to terms with the idea that when given the opportunity to share what God has done for me, I need to take it.  So, I didn’t sit there wringing my hands and arguing with God over why I couldn’t possibly stand before a group of women and speak this time.  I still shook profusely and cried.  But, I didn’t hesitate.

When we began the study I wrote a little about it, It was talking about taking that next step with God.  Some quotes from Beth in that first video were,

“This will become for us the next step to where God is taking us”

“What we are going through we’re not staying in.”

“Our circumstances will feel a whole lot better when we get it through our head we are not staying here.”

“We are just movin’ up!”  (WITH TEXAS ACCENT!)

“By the time we’re done we’re gonna move up to the next stage with God”

Oh, how I long for that.  To be out of these circumstances.  To feel happy. To feel Joy.  Not fleetingly.  But “normally”.  Not once in a while. But most of the time.  Not living in a place that has me stuck in what isn’t.  But, moving forward to what is to come.  I had no idea how to get there.  But, I sure wanted to go.

Today, tonight, I realized how far God has brought me, even in these last 6 weeks of Bible Study.  And in sharing on this blog.  Processing things.  Moving forward.  Letting what I have experienced help someone else, maybe, because I was bold enough to share it.

As Beth finished up the study tonight, she said these things.

“We watch what someone else goes through and we think, ‘I could never do that’”

“We don’t understand the grace of God.”

“When the time comes the strength will be there.”

“There will be a fresh anointing.”

“If He calls on us, the strength will be there.”

I can’t tell you the countless times I have been told that I am strong.  And that what I am going through, how I responded, how I am surviving, they could never do. 

The fact is “I” can’t do it either.  I can’t do what I have done.  I can’t live through what I have lived through.  I can’t have joy again.  I can’t laugh again.  I can’t live again.  I can’t.  Not on my own.

The grace of God is where it comes from.  Plain, simple, misunderstood Grace. 

Beth ended the study with a song…

Today, Jadon was talking about people he could marry.  And people I could marry.  It is a kick he is on.  He talks about it a lot.  I was only half (or less) listening to him ramble on.  And then suddenly he said, "Could you marry Jesus, mommy?"

Um... 4 year old... theology... bride of Christ... I guess son.  I guess I kind of could.

My flesh says, No.  I don't want "just Jesus". 

Tonight, like Beth had a window into my living room, she said. 

"Jesus is the One that every broken road I have ever been on led to.  I have one Savior.  As much as I love my husband it is not him."

After I shared what this study has meant to me with these ladies, they gathered around me to pray.  One even washed my feet.  How humbling, how amazing, how encouraging.

God You are too good.  I am so glad You are my husband.

For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.   Isaiah 54:5

Pam

That First Month

I’ve been reading some of my journal entries from the first month after HSSH left.  It’s interesting.  How much faith and hope I had in the midst of the depression and discouragement.

I was raised in Church.  I knew the stories.  I knew the verbiage.  I knew what was right.  I knew what was wrong.  On some level I believed that if you just did all the right things that somehow things in your life would go the way that they were supposed to.

My natural personality is very strong.  I was SUPERMOM.  I was going to save all my children, my marriage, and adopt a house full of kids while using cloth diapers and living in a spotless house… in a single bound.

The problem was that I had made so many huge mistakes.  To compensate I was becoming more legalistic in my beliefs because if we LOOKED like we had it all together then maybe somehow we would.

Of course I couldn’t see what I was doing until the world came crashing in. 

I was blinded to so many things.  I was blinded to my own fears.  Fears that would come out in the early morning hours while I was journaling and praying, and then I would tuck away as I dove into the busy home- school-mom-of-seven life.

I was blinded to what HSSH was doing and feeling.  I knew he was depressed.  But, I trusted him.  I never let myself consciously believe it would ever go to these extremes.  I knew he was shutting down.  I knew he was working so many hours.  I just couldn’t help him.  He wouldn’t let me.  Every effort I made caused him more anger, which now I realized was really guilt.

Now every woman’s worst nightmare was happening to me.  But I was strong.  I could do this too.

After he was gone for 3 weeks I wrote this…

Learning to live all over again.

Learning what it truly means to trust God.

Learning how to take up my cross and follow Him.

Learning that life isn’t fair and doesn't make sense, but God is still carrying me and let’s me cast my burden upon Him.

Learning how much grace “sufficient” grace really is.

Learning that when you trust God you don’t have to come up with the ideas on how He should fix it.

Learning that when things look worse in earthly standards, in the big picture my prayers are actually being heard and the refining fire is doing it’s transforming work.

Learning that God will not allow this fire to destroy me.

Learning to understand how ALIVE the Word of God really is.

Learning that God loves my husband more than I do.

Learning that satan’s attacks know no bounds.

Learning what it means to put on the whole armor of God daily.

Learning that speaking the Word in truth and faith truly does quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.

Learning that a sound mind is a beautiful thing.

Learning that some days I have to learn these things over and over again.

Little did I realize, three weeks into a battle that is coming close to the 3 year mark, how true these statements would all become.  Especially the part about learning them over and over again.

Little did I know how far my own strength would go. Or how hard it would be for me to learn to accept that HIS strength would only be made perfect in my weakness.

My story is one of God’s faithfulness in these days.

Pam

A quiet moment

My house is quiet!  My house is quiet!!!  MY HOUSE IS QUIET!!!!!  YES!!

I’ve gotta get some ice tea and go sit outside and enjoy no one talking to me.

But, first I had to check out what was going on in the blogging world and read my e-mails!! 

Update on my plant…

Okay, the good news is that it hasn’t turned brown.  At least I think that is good news.  It has a new pot.  It was diagnosed as being inebriated with water.  And I guess the fact that there was no drain hole in the pot it had been LIVING in for the last year is a problem?  Besides that the unsuspecting salesman and Lowes still entrusted me with another plant.  So I am now the proud, stupid, brave owner of 3 house plants!  (and two new pots)

I also just wanted you to know that I solved the Jadon problem.

James party went well.  With the mom-predicted 10 people showing up.  James told me I should take pictures, the house hasn’t looked this good (he said, “ever” but he forgets)

I’m just guessing, but I believe somehow all that cleanliness gets canceled out when the storage room has to look like this to accomplish it…

Just shut the door… shut the door… SHUT THE DOOR!! 

Okay, yeah, anyway, the party went well… here they are blowing something up…

You can do that in the country… don’t panic… no one got hurt.  I was taking pictures.  Yeah, don’t send you kids over to my house to play.

Someone asked why there were no lake pictures of me.  Of course because I was the one taking them all… I went through my parent’s pictures and found a few for you Meg!!!

ROFL!!!!  That’s me in the green shirt!  LOL!!  I didn’t do this on purpose!!  That’s what size they transferred from their account!!  Opps!!  Sorry!  I’ll work on that for later!

I do have this one!  YOU knew it would make it here eventually didn’t you Shelly!?!  Shelly is the one that had the shower that day!

We met in college (yes I went to college for ONE semester) and have stayed in touch!  She came over to our cottage while she was visiting her family for the week.

This morning in church our pastor challenged us with the statement… “What are you doing with your story”.  I plan to share more of what God has done in the past three years soon… but now I am going to enjoy that peace and quiet (while it lasts) and get that ice tea!

Pam

Stepping up… Stepping out…

This morning I finished my second to last day of homework in the Beth Moore Bible Study I have been in this summer, Stepping Up.  I am really going to be sad to have it end! 

God is really using Beth’s writing in my life.  She has become like a wonderful friend I have never met!  If you have been with me in the past 3 years, you know how often her writing has spoken directly to my circumstances.  The Holy Spirit is amazing! 

This is what I read this morning in the study…

“Ask any song writer of our time and he or she will tell you that the clearest and deepest words God grants the soul are often those that come in a dark season of life.  One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you’ll receive it.  To stand in the presence of the Lord when you’d rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him—these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory.”

This is exactly what my journals are to me.  The deepest words God granted my soul in the darkest season of my life and my battle cry of victory.  I am gonna make it, and crazy as it is, I believe he will too.

Stepping out of my comfort zone to share these things is hard sometimes.  I don’t see the things that you may see.  I read what I wrote and I remember that they were survival.  I remember the pain. 

Pray with me about what to do with this story.  What God wants to use it all for.  Another thing that Beth Moore says often is, "He has given you life experiences intended to turn into testimonies and ministries that help make the Savior irresistible to the seeker."

I want to be found faithful.

She’s Gonna Make it…

You have to know that since that dreadful night in 2005 I have filled 6 journals with my prayers, pain, and events.  I look and them and have no idea where to start to share the story of how I have gotten from there to here.

I found this in my journal.  About a month after HSSH left he came back to talk to me.  He asked me if I had ever heard the song She’s Gonna Make it by Garth Brooks.  I didn’t remember that I had.  Tonight I looked it up, this is what it is.

He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane
And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

None of this has to be this way… my heart breaks all over again.

Pam

HELP!

I have two plants in my house that are real.  One is dying.  I don’t know what to do or what is wrong.  I added water, which normally helps quickly if it looks this way, but it got worse instead of better.  Could the pot be to small???  HELP!  I really don’t want this plant to die!  It was a gift from a very good friend! 

Pam

I had a dream last night…

…in the dream I was getting a different house.  It was a huge house.  More space than I could possibly use.  Custom built and more than I ever imagined I needed from a house.  The problem was that the people who were selling me the house hadn’t moved out yet, and I was moving in.  It was also interesting that it was an older house and the roof leaked.

I spent the whole day working on the house, moving our things in, and working around their things.  It was frustrating and impossible.  By the end of the day I had given up on it.  I decided to wait until they moved everything out before I moved anything in.  And I hoped that they didn’t take my things with them when they went.

Before I opened my eyes I knew that God was speaking to me through this dream.  God has things in our future He wants to give.  If I move forward and try to take them before the appointed time I will only be met with frustration and defeat. 

Waiting on God is so difficult. 

Ephesians 3:19-21 (HCSB) and to know the Messiah's love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

20 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think—according to the power that works in you— 21 to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Pam