An opportunity

Tonight was the last night of our Beth Moore Bible Study Stepping Up.  We were told ahead of time that we would be given the opportunity to share what God has done for us this summer at the end of the evening.

Progress for me is that I have come to terms with the idea that when given the opportunity to share what God has done for me, I need to take it.  So, I didn’t sit there wringing my hands and arguing with God over why I couldn’t possibly stand before a group of women and speak this time.  I still shook profusely and cried.  But, I didn’t hesitate.

When we began the study I wrote a little about it, It was talking about taking that next step with God.  Some quotes from Beth in that first video were,

“This will become for us the next step to where God is taking us”

“What we are going through we’re not staying in.”

“Our circumstances will feel a whole lot better when we get it through our head we are not staying here.”

“We are just movin’ up!”  (WITH TEXAS ACCENT!)

“By the time we’re done we’re gonna move up to the next stage with God”

Oh, how I long for that.  To be out of these circumstances.  To feel happy. To feel Joy.  Not fleetingly.  But “normally”.  Not once in a while. But most of the time.  Not living in a place that has me stuck in what isn’t.  But, moving forward to what is to come.  I had no idea how to get there.  But, I sure wanted to go.

Today, tonight, I realized how far God has brought me, even in these last 6 weeks of Bible Study.  And in sharing on this blog.  Processing things.  Moving forward.  Letting what I have experienced help someone else, maybe, because I was bold enough to share it.

As Beth finished up the study tonight, she said these things.

“We watch what someone else goes through and we think, ‘I could never do that’”

“We don’t understand the grace of God.”

“When the time comes the strength will be there.”

“There will be a fresh anointing.”

“If He calls on us, the strength will be there.”

I can’t tell you the countless times I have been told that I am strong.  And that what I am going through, how I responded, how I am surviving, they could never do. 

The fact is “I” can’t do it either.  I can’t do what I have done.  I can’t live through what I have lived through.  I can’t have joy again.  I can’t laugh again.  I can’t live again.  I can’t.  Not on my own.

The grace of God is where it comes from.  Plain, simple, misunderstood Grace. 

Beth ended the study with a song…

Today, Jadon was talking about people he could marry.  And people I could marry.  It is a kick he is on.  He talks about it a lot.  I was only half (or less) listening to him ramble on.  And then suddenly he said, "Could you marry Jesus, mommy?"

Um... 4 year old... theology... bride of Christ... I guess son.  I guess I kind of could.

My flesh says, No.  I don't want "just Jesus". 

Tonight, like Beth had a window into my living room, she said. 

"Jesus is the One that every broken road I have ever been on led to.  I have one Savior.  As much as I love my husband it is not him."

After I shared what this study has meant to me with these ladies, they gathered around me to pray.  One even washed my feet.  How humbling, how amazing, how encouraging.

God You are too good.  I am so glad You are my husband.

For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.   Isaiah 54:5

Pam

That First Month

I’ve been reading some of my journal entries from the first month after HSSH left.  It’s interesting.  How much faith and hope I had in the midst of the depression and discouragement.

I was raised in Church.  I knew the stories.  I knew the verbiage.  I knew what was right.  I knew what was wrong.  On some level I believed that if you just did all the right things that somehow things in your life would go the way that they were supposed to.

My natural personality is very strong.  I was SUPERMOM.  I was going to save all my children, my marriage, and adopt a house full of kids while using cloth diapers and living in a spotless house… in a single bound.

The problem was that I had made so many huge mistakes.  To compensate I was becoming more legalistic in my beliefs because if we LOOKED like we had it all together then maybe somehow we would.

Of course I couldn’t see what I was doing until the world came crashing in. 

I was blinded to so many things.  I was blinded to my own fears.  Fears that would come out in the early morning hours while I was journaling and praying, and then I would tuck away as I dove into the busy home- school-mom-of-seven life.

I was blinded to what HSSH was doing and feeling.  I knew he was depressed.  But, I trusted him.  I never let myself consciously believe it would ever go to these extremes.  I knew he was shutting down.  I knew he was working so many hours.  I just couldn’t help him.  He wouldn’t let me.  Every effort I made caused him more anger, which now I realized was really guilt.

Now every woman’s worst nightmare was happening to me.  But I was strong.  I could do this too.

After he was gone for 3 weeks I wrote this…

Learning to live all over again.

Learning what it truly means to trust God.

Learning how to take up my cross and follow Him.

Learning that life isn’t fair and doesn't make sense, but God is still carrying me and let’s me cast my burden upon Him.

Learning how much grace “sufficient” grace really is.

Learning that when you trust God you don’t have to come up with the ideas on how He should fix it.

Learning that when things look worse in earthly standards, in the big picture my prayers are actually being heard and the refining fire is doing it’s transforming work.

Learning that God will not allow this fire to destroy me.

Learning to understand how ALIVE the Word of God really is.

Learning that God loves my husband more than I do.

Learning that satan’s attacks know no bounds.

Learning what it means to put on the whole armor of God daily.

Learning that speaking the Word in truth and faith truly does quench the fiery darts of the wicked one.

Learning that a sound mind is a beautiful thing.

Learning that some days I have to learn these things over and over again.

Little did I realize, three weeks into a battle that is coming close to the 3 year mark, how true these statements would all become.  Especially the part about learning them over and over again.

Little did I know how far my own strength would go. Or how hard it would be for me to learn to accept that HIS strength would only be made perfect in my weakness.

My story is one of God’s faithfulness in these days.

Pam

A quiet moment

My house is quiet!  My house is quiet!!!  MY HOUSE IS QUIET!!!!!  YES!!

I’ve gotta get some ice tea and go sit outside and enjoy no one talking to me.

But, first I had to check out what was going on in the blogging world and read my e-mails!! 

Update on my plant…

Okay, the good news is that it hasn’t turned brown.  At least I think that is good news.  It has a new pot.  It was diagnosed as being inebriated with water.  And I guess the fact that there was no drain hole in the pot it had been LIVING in for the last year is a problem?  Besides that the unsuspecting salesman and Lowes still entrusted me with another plant.  So I am now the proud, stupid, brave owner of 3 house plants!  (and two new pots)

I also just wanted you to know that I solved the Jadon problem.

James party went well.  With the mom-predicted 10 people showing up.  James told me I should take pictures, the house hasn’t looked this good (he said, “ever” but he forgets)

I’m just guessing, but I believe somehow all that cleanliness gets canceled out when the storage room has to look like this to accomplish it…

Just shut the door… shut the door… SHUT THE DOOR!! 

Okay, yeah, anyway, the party went well… here they are blowing something up…

You can do that in the country… don’t panic… no one got hurt.  I was taking pictures.  Yeah, don’t send you kids over to my house to play.

Someone asked why there were no lake pictures of me.  Of course because I was the one taking them all… I went through my parent’s pictures and found a few for you Meg!!!

ROFL!!!!  That’s me in the green shirt!  LOL!!  I didn’t do this on purpose!!  That’s what size they transferred from their account!!  Opps!!  Sorry!  I’ll work on that for later!

I do have this one!  YOU knew it would make it here eventually didn’t you Shelly!?!  Shelly is the one that had the shower that day!

We met in college (yes I went to college for ONE semester) and have stayed in touch!  She came over to our cottage while she was visiting her family for the week.

This morning in church our pastor challenged us with the statement… “What are you doing with your story”.  I plan to share more of what God has done in the past three years soon… but now I am going to enjoy that peace and quiet (while it lasts) and get that ice tea!

Pam

Stepping up… Stepping out…

This morning I finished my second to last day of homework in the Beth Moore Bible Study I have been in this summer, Stepping Up.  I am really going to be sad to have it end! 

God is really using Beth’s writing in my life.  She has become like a wonderful friend I have never met!  If you have been with me in the past 3 years, you know how often her writing has spoken directly to my circumstances.  The Holy Spirit is amazing! 

This is what I read this morning in the study…

“Ask any song writer of our time and he or she will tell you that the clearest and deepest words God grants the soul are often those that come in a dark season of life.  One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you’ll receive it.  To stand in the presence of the Lord when you’d rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him—these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory.”

This is exactly what my journals are to me.  The deepest words God granted my soul in the darkest season of my life and my battle cry of victory.  I am gonna make it, and crazy as it is, I believe he will too.

Stepping out of my comfort zone to share these things is hard sometimes.  I don’t see the things that you may see.  I read what I wrote and I remember that they were survival.  I remember the pain. 

Pray with me about what to do with this story.  What God wants to use it all for.  Another thing that Beth Moore says often is, "He has given you life experiences intended to turn into testimonies and ministries that help make the Savior irresistible to the seeker."

I want to be found faithful.

She’s Gonna Make it…

You have to know that since that dreadful night in 2005 I have filled 6 journals with my prayers, pain, and events.  I look and them and have no idea where to start to share the story of how I have gotten from there to here.

I found this in my journal.  About a month after HSSH left he came back to talk to me.  He asked me if I had ever heard the song She’s Gonna Make it by Garth Brooks.  I didn’t remember that I had.  Tonight I looked it up, this is what it is.

He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane
And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

None of this has to be this way… my heart breaks all over again.

Pam

HELP!

I have two plants in my house that are real.  One is dying.  I don’t know what to do or what is wrong.  I added water, which normally helps quickly if it looks this way, but it got worse instead of better.  Could the pot be to small???  HELP!  I really don’t want this plant to die!  It was a gift from a very good friend! 

Pam

I had a dream last night…

…in the dream I was getting a different house.  It was a huge house.  More space than I could possibly use.  Custom built and more than I ever imagined I needed from a house.  The problem was that the people who were selling me the house hadn’t moved out yet, and I was moving in.  It was also interesting that it was an older house and the roof leaked.

I spent the whole day working on the house, moving our things in, and working around their things.  It was frustrating and impossible.  By the end of the day I had given up on it.  I decided to wait until they moved everything out before I moved anything in.  And I hoped that they didn’t take my things with them when they went.

Before I opened my eyes I knew that God was speaking to me through this dream.  God has things in our future He wants to give.  If I move forward and try to take them before the appointed time I will only be met with frustration and defeat. 

Waiting on God is so difficult. 

Ephesians 3:19-21 (HCSB) and to know the Messiah's love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

20 Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think—according to the power that works in you— 21 to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Pam

Zoo trip #3 and more...

Well, we were at the zoo today.  It was HOT.  It wasn’t crowded though.  Probably had something to do with the fact that it was HOT!  We were there a total of 5 minutes before my camera battery went dead…

I got two pictures…count ‘em.  2.  I actually took 4, but two were bad.  Yes, worse than this one.  (Jadon and Lucas)

 

Benjamin and Jadon enthralled with he money in the water.  (and the bowl and jar too)

At least it wasn’t crowded!  Last year we went on Zoo Member Appreciation Day.  HOT with 18 kids to keep track of!  Not the best of times!  Today went pretty good though.

Afterwards, we went to return some shoes I bought last week at the mall.  Leah asked if we could see a movie.  We have been wanting to see the new American Girl Movie, Kit Kittredge.  So we did! 

This is a really good movie!  Rated G, for one, which is such a rare find.  The setting and character were like the books, but the plot was not based off of much that was in the original books about Kit.  It normally bugs me when movies do that.  This was so well done that I didn’t even care!  I recommend this movie, especially as we tighten our belts a little with the high gas prices and the rise of food and other things that are coming with it.  (did you see the price of cheese?)  This is set in the depression and the reality of the day is very well portrayed.   I heard another mom say that it made her feel kind of bad to spend so much money to see the movie and then see how they were living back then and were in such need.  I agree with her, and will see it at the dollar theatre next time!  

We have had some run-ins with bodily fluids.  As my babies turn 4 and 5 this fall… I wonder… when will it end?  Will this truly be something I will miss?   Somehow I have my doubts. 

Last night Kiahna was laughing so hard in bed, she began choking and threw up all over the bed.  For a moment I hoped feared we would have to stay home from the zoo.  No, she was fine and still giggling as I hosed off the sheets outside in the dark, with the mosquitoes.

On the way to the zoo.  Driving through a bad part of town, they both had to pee.  Jadon so bad that I fished a Pepsi bottle from the trash and let him pee in it. (this is the second time I have let him do this and I think that he thinks it is fun!)  I was at a stop light and was holding the bottle for him.  Of course the light turned green and I ended up with pee on my hands and on him.

Kiahna could wait until we got there, but was dancing and begging to go in the parking lot.  After a short debate over what to do, run to the zoo where the restrooms are inside after you pay, let her pee her pants, or let her squat behind a tree.  Squat behind a tree won.

In the movie theatre I took Jadon to the restroom and he peed on his clothes.  Shirt and shorts.

On the way home he fell asleep and peed in his car seat.

He really has been doing much better than this!  AHHH!!  He’s almost 5.  I won’t miss this.  I know I won't.  It's funny.  Now.  But, I won't miss it.

Still working on Kiahna's yarn braids.  Not doing new parts this time.  Taking out one at a time and rebraiding it.  I am out of yarn now, so after another trip to Walmart, hopefully we can declare it done again soon!

Trying not to stress over James friends he has coming over this weekend.  I really don't want to be any more of an embarrassment to him than we already obviously have the full potential to be unless none of us are here, which we will be.  It would be nice to have a house that doesn't look like hillybillys children live here. 

Don't you sometimes wish you could live in a house that stayed clean for more than 2.4 seconds.  Or that was all clean at once?  Like the old days when I wasn't a single mom of 6 children and could actually do things like that?  It did happen every once in awhile.  Now, it feels like it will never happen again.  I do much better when I accept that and go on.  But, when faced with company...  CHAOS becomes the name of the game.  FLY LADY calls CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) because your house is such a disaster.  I've climbed back on the Fly Lady wagon, but I don't know that I will ever accomplish getting out of CHAOS.  Oh well.  Praying that I can work hard and then let it go after that.  (without yelling and becoming out of control!)  GRACE!!!!

Pam

Let’s lighten the mood…

I hope that I am not sending you into fits of depression as you read these entries.  It’s been eerily quiet here today.  When no one responds it makes me sit here going, “Okay, what did I say wrong?”  Responses make this fun!  If you don’t have anything to say that is fine too, or if you are crazily busy and have a life and don’t spend countless hours obsessing over what to type on blogs and wondering if you are insane for what you are saying, not that I think that or anything, I’m just saying I know you are all busy too!

Things are crazy busy here.  Zach is away at Basketball camp all week. I was planning to go with some other parents on the 2 1/2 hour trip to pick up the boys that went on Thursday.  I asked my dad to go for me.  I am getting too busy and won’t get things done like I want if I go.  (don’t tell me that if I didn’t spend so much time on my computer I’d have time to go.  That’s probably the truth, but I love the time on my computer and feel very driven to write.  So, I fit it in.)

James is working his little tail off.  He is planning to have friends over on Friday night for a bonfire/volleyball/birthday celebration.  He told me that he invited 75 people over his facebook account.  But, he thinks it will only be about 30.  Well, this ole mom has learned from the last time.  I ain't gonna panic.  25 turned out to only be 7... so let's hope for 10!

At any rate, it has inspired him to work on the house! 

He is working and learning for a landscaping company this summer!  He spread 2 loads of mulch, trimmed the bushes, planted some grass, sprayed weeks, and fixed up the bon fire pit!  All that came at the cost, of course, of his siblings having to help... and they were so helpful...

Doesn't he look helpful?  I guess I'd be frustrated too!  No wonder Zach was so excited to leave for camp!

I haven't worked on my kitchen cabinets since it about sent me over the edge and I had to run away on Saturday.  I experimented with two of the insides and I think that it will work.  Now to find the time without going crazy to do it! 

Monday morning Leah woke up with a sore throat.  She has strep.  Took the dog in to the vet.  He is now fixed.  Didn't even attempt to explain that one to Jadon!  I can't even begin to imagine the questions that would come up!  All he knows is that Jack got shots and he can't pick him up or get him wet for two weeks!

That black hair ball is him.  Yes, he is in need of a haircut too. 

My mom has planned our annual cousin trip to the zoo for tomorrow.  I am sure that there will be 2 billion people there and it will be 295 degrees.  I need to find a better attitude before 8 am in the morning!  Great, light blogging material though!  Seventeen kids at the zoo with 5 adults, no problem.

We are almost done watching the entire Anne of Green Gables series!!  Loving it!!  Tonight we should finish it up.  Summer is fun!  So nice not to have to get up early.

 

Pam

The beginning…

The memory of that night is etched deeply in my mind.   The pain of it brings tears to my eyes even now.

It was very late, after midnight when HSSH fled from our home. 

It felt like something came in and stole him from me.

I called my parents and woke them.  I told them I was coming over.

I was strong until I walked up on the porch of my parent’s house. I fell into my dad’s arms.  I wailed like I don’t believe I have ever wailed before, and pray I never will again.

I had to calm enough to get the words out and tell them what had happened.  Their tears and weeping met with mine.

Before HSSH walked out, I really felt we were going to be okay.  I had a peace I can’t explain.  I knew we would make it through. 

Now I was afraid.  Where did he go?  What was he doing?  Why did he run?  What happened?

He was so broken.  So ashamed.  So very sorry for what he had done.  He hated himself.  He couldn’t look at me or touch me.

The next day is also etched in my mind.  I love the autumn days.  It was one of those perfect September days.  I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  It was all going to go away.  He was going to drive back in the drive at any moment.

But, as the day wore on.  He didn’t come back.  He finally called.  The news of where he was broke my heart all over again.  This is not happening to me.  To us.  To our family.

I stood at my living room window wondering what I was going to do.  What people were going to do?  Who would be here for me?  Would anyone care for us? 

I went to my Bible for help.  I found it.  It was the only thing that brought me peace.  The first scripture I wrote in my journal after HSSH left was Isaiah 49:13-16…

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
       the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
       I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
       your walls are ever before me.

As the days moved forward,

Shock begin to settle in. 

Things begin to get fuzzy.

People started finding out.

People started helping.

I have no recollection of how my children were handling things. 

I remember trying to give them hope that their dad was returning.

Supermom had died and their dad was gone.

I couldn’t eat.  I learned a new level of grief.  One that involved no appetite.  No caring.  The most horrifying way to lose the 20 lbs you’ve been wanting to lose.

My children’s schooling began to concern others.  I was the one responsible.  It wasn’t happening.  Someone paid the tuition for them to go to a private school.

I think I walked around my house in a daze.  Talked on the phone.  Took long walks to clear my head.  Poured over the Bible, searching for an answer.  Prayed.

Meals began to come in from loving friends.  My neighbor started organizing who would bring meals when.

People sent cards.

People sent money.

We didn’t hear from HSSH often, but when we did it would send me into a tail spin that would last for days. 

Days moved into weeks, weeks into months, months have become years.

A friend told me of her sister and her husband separating for a year and reconciling.  My thoughts were, “I can’t do this for a year”.

Breathing became a chore.  Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other.  Forcing myself to eat.  Forcing myself to care.  Forcing myself to live.  God giving me the grace to do them.

The bottom came for me the day that friends came over to pick up my laundry to wash for us.  Nothing is more humbling than having someone wash your pathetic, neglected, unmentionables.

I was amazed at the help that came to us.  I was humbled.  I was blessed. 

Even last night in our Stepping Up Bible study with Beth Moore, she spoke of the American way being self sufficient.  That equals success in our society.  It brought to mind how we have become very “unsuccessful”.

People in this amazing community I live in stepped in and did so much for us.  They still do.  Meals, money, groceries, odd jobs, babysitting, cleaning, teaching, car pooling, talking, caring, listening, reading, writing, loving, praying, believing.

We needed a miracle.