My thoughts on divorce… 6 years after I got one.

It’s gotten easier.  My heart no longer races with the thought of him being in the near area… My palms don’t sweat & I don’t panic with what I will say or how I will say it.

Of course that all probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that we see him so rarely.

When we do see him these days, I feel… resentment.  hatred.  bitterness.  anger. unbelievable thoughts of how much a person can change for the worse & believe they are better, self righteousness of how much better a person & parent I am than he is.

I struggle.

Struggle to feel the things I believe are “right” to feel.  The things that I believe God would want me to feel. 

!!NEWS FLASH!!

If satan hasn’t succeeded in using a circumstance to make you bitter for six years, he will not give up.  He will continue to try to use that circumstance to make you bitter.  To make you turn on God. To lie to you and say that God has not been faithful to you.

I hate that news.

I have plenty of reasons to hate this circumstance & this person.  Plenty of reason for bitterness.  For anger.  For resentment. For self-righteousness.

I could list them.

Oh, how I want to list them.

To make you hate him like I do when I dwell on these “facts”.

Uhhhhhh….

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I need a minute…

Or two…

I need to take everyone of these thoughts & feelings & fears & angers & frustrations & proud thoughts… & throw them away.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  --Matthew 5:43-48

I wish there was a way to stop the thoughts from coming.  To not feel what I do when he comes around or when my kids talk about him or ask about him.  I wish.  But, it’s not possible to not feel.  It’s what you do with the feelings.  It’s where you let them take you.  The road to bitterness & hatred is well traveled & very easy to begin down.

The road to peace & healing is harder to see.  I’ve only found it in the Word of God.  It’s so easy to get distracted off of.  So easy.

Dear God, help me.  I give you every one of these hurts in my heart.  The disappointments.  The fears.  The anger.  The injustice.  The pride.  The human thoughts that make me see such a small picture & the lies that say this is all so unfair.  I give you every one.  I believe You are still a God that heals.  A God that brings beauty out of ashes.  Over & over again.  You have never left or forsaken us.  You won’t now.  You won’t let the evil win.  You have a plan for each of our lives.  My children will not be destroyed because of their dad’s sin.  Or their mom’s.  It’s by Your grace we are not consumed by this… It’s by Your grace that each of us have not been destroyed.  It’s by Your grace & mercy that good will come out of this.  I never imagined or dreamed of such a hard & hurtful road for my family.  It’s so easy to look around & feel like it’s so unfair.  It’s so easy to look at what Jim does each day of his life & feel so very very very angry & hateful.  So easy.  Dear God, I don’t want to live in a place where I hate anyone.  I don’t want to live in a place where I feel resentment over what anyone else has that I don’t.  I don’t want to be proud or self-righteous… I just want You.  I just want to do what You want.  What You’ve called me to.  I don’t want to miss it, because I was chasing down anger & bitterness…  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Pam